CREATE TABLE `new_jokes` (
  `ID` int(6) NOT NULL auto_increment,
  `Category` varchar(255) default NULL,
  `Joke` text,
  PRIMARY KEY  (`ID`),
  KEY `Category` (`Category`)
) ENGINE=MyISAM AUTO_INCREMENT=9986 DEFAULT CHARSET=latin1 AUTO_INCREMENT=9986 ;


INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1, 'Random \r\njoke of the day', 'What''s the difference between Windows \r\n95 and a \r\nvirus? \r\nA virus does something.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (2, 'Random joke of the day', 'Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, \r\n\r\nSCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?\r\nA: A blonde going through a flashing red \r\nlight.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (3, 'Email this funny joke to a friend!', 'What''s the difference \r\n\r\nbetween Windows 95 and a virus? \r\nA virus does something.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (4, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, \r\n\r\nSCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?\r\nA: A blonde going through a flashing red \r\nlight.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (5, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'The officer shouted \r\norders to a \r\nnearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran \r\ndirectly onto \r\nthe field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a \r\ndispatch \r\ncase from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to \r\n\r\nsafety.\r\n\r\n"Private," the officer said, "I''m recommending you for a \r\nmedal. You \r\nrisked your life to save the locations of our secret \r\nwarehouses."\r\n\r\n"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said \r\n\r\nwhorehouses!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (6, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', '"I was married 3 times" explained \r\nthe man to a newly discovered \r\ndrinking partner, "and I''ll never \r\nmarry again. My first 2 wives died \r\nof eating poison mushrooms and my \r\n3rd wife died of a fractured skull." \r\n\r\n"That''s a shame." said his \r\nfriend , "How did it happen?" \r\n\r\n"She wouldn''t eat the \r\nmushrooms!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (7, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'What''s the speed limit of \r\nsex?\r\n68; at 69 you have to turn around.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (8, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'What did the egg say to the \r\n\r\nboiling water?\r\n"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got \r\nlaid a minute \r\nago."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (9, 'Computer jokes', 'A ragged individual stranded for several months \r\n\r\non a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day \r\n\r\nnoticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. \r\nRushing to \r\nthe bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands \r\nwithdrew the \r\nmessage. \r\n\r\n"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, \r\n"we regretfully have found it \r\nnecessary to cancel your e-mail \r\naccount."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (10, 'Computer jokes', 'This customer comes into \r\nthe computer \r\nstore. "I''m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with \r\nlots of graphics. \r\nYou know, something really challenging." \r\n\r\n"Well," replied the \r\nclerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (11, 'Computer jokes', 'Redmond, \r\nWA --Microsoft announced today \r\nthat the official release date for the \r\nnew operating system "Windows \r\n2000" will be delayed until the second \r\nquarter of 1901.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (12, 'Computer jokes', 'What do computers eat when they get hungry? \r\n\r\nChips.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (13, 'Computer jokes', 'What''s the difference between Windows 95 and a \r\nvirus? \r\nA virus does something.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (14, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What is uglier than an aardvark?\r\nTwo \r\naardvarks!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (15, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What does the aardvark call his \r\ndog?\r\nAard-bark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (16, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What is the difference between an aardvark and \r\na coyote?\r\nOne has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (17, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Who loves \r\nhamburgers, French fries, and \r\nants?\r\nRonald MacAardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (18, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What does an aardvark keep in his \r\naquarium?\r\nAn aard-shark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (19, 'Email this funny joke to a friend!', 'Q: What goes VROOM, \r\n\r\nSCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?\r\nA: A blonde going through a \r\nflashing red light.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (20, 'Answer me this jokes', 'What will fall on the lawn first? An \r\n\r\nautumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (21, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Do steam rollers really roll \r\n\r\nsteam?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (22, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why do you need a driver''s licence to \r\nbuy liquor when you can''t \r\ndrink and drive?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (23, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Can you repeat the part after "Listen \r\nvery \r\ncarefully"?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (24, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why is it that when you transport \r\nsomething by car, it''s called \r\nship-ment but when you transport something \r\nby ship it''s called cargo?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (25, 'Accountant jokes', 'An accountant visited the Natural History \r\n\r\nmuseum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: \r\n"This \r\ndinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".\r\n"Where did \r\nyou get this exact information?" \r\n"I was here ten months ago, and \r\nthe guide told me that the dinosaur is \r\ntwo billion years old."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (26, 'Accountant jokes', 'Two accountants are in a bank, when armed \r\n\r\nrobbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the \r\n\r\ntellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up \r\nagainst \r\na wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. \r\nWhile this is \r\ngoing on accountant number one jams something in \r\naccountant number \r\ntwo''s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two \r\nwhispers, "What \r\nis this?" to which accountant number one replies, \r\n"it''s that $50 I \r\nowe you."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (27, 'Accountant jokes', 'An accountant is having a hard time sleeping \r\nand goes to see \r\nhis doctor. "Doctor, I just can''t get to sleep at \r\nnight."\r\n\r\n"Have you tried counting sheep?"\r\n\r\n"That''s the \r\nproblem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours \r\ntrying to find \r\nit."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (28, 'Accountant jokes', 'A patient was at her doctor''s office after \r\n\r\nundergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some \r\nvery grave \r\nnews for you. You only have six months to \r\nlive."\r\n\r\nThe patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" \r\n\r\nThe doctor \r\nreplied, "Marry an accountant." \r\n\r\n"Will that make me live longer?" \r\nasked the patient. \r\n\r\n"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM \r\nlonger."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (29, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why do \r\naccountants make good lovers? \r\nThey''re great with figures.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (30, 'Ant jokes', 'Why don''t anteaters get sick ?\r\nBecause they are \r\nfull of antibodies!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (31, 'Ant jokes', 'Why did the ant-elope ?\r\nNobody gnu !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (32, 'Ant jokes', 'Who is the most famous French ant ?\r\nNapoleant \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (33, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an and with frogs legs ?\r\nAn \r\nantphibian !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (34, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant who can''t play the piano \r\n?\r\nDiscordant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (35, 'Apple jokes', 'The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once \r\n\r\na woman began screaming. "You''ve got to help me! There''s a giant \r\n\r\ngray thing in my yard, and it''s pulling apples off the tree with \r\nits \r\ntail!" "What''s he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. \r\n"If I \r\ntold you," the woman cried, "you wouldn''t believe me!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (36, 'Apple jokes', 'What did one \r\nmaggot say to the other who was \r\nstuck in an apple? \r\nWorm your way out of that one, then!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (37, 'Apple jokes', 'Why didn''t the two worms go \r\ninto Noah''s ark \r\nin an apple?\r\nBecause everyone had to go in pairs !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (38, 'Apple jokes', 'What lives in apples and is an \r\navid reader? \r\n\r\nA bookworm !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (39, 'Apple jokes', 'First apple: You look down in the dumps. What''s \r\neating \r\nyou? \r\nSecond apple: Worms, I think.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (40, 'Aviation jokes', 'A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to \r\n\r\nthe window.\r\nA few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong \r\nmean-looking, hulking guy \r\nplops \r\ndown in the seat next to him and \r\nimmediately falls asleep. \r\nThe little guy starts to feel a little airsick, \r\nbut he''s afraid to \r\nwake\r\nthe big guy up to ask if he can go to the \r\nbathroom. He knows he can''t\r\nclimb over him, and so the little guy \r\nis sitting there, looking at the \r\nbig \r\nguy, trying to decide what \r\nto do.\r\nSuddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable \r\nwave of\r\nnausea passes through the little guy. He can''t hold it in \r\nany longer \r\nand \r\nhe pukes all over the big guy''s \r\nchest.\r\n\r\nAbout five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees \r\nthe\r\nvomit all over him.\r\n\r\n"So," says the little guy, "are you \r\nfeeling better now?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (41, 'Aviation jokes', 'Taxiing \r\ndown the tarmac, the jetliner \r\nabruptly stopped, turned around and \r\nreturned to the gate. After an \r\nhour-long wait, it finally took off. A \r\nconcerned passenger asked the \r\nflight attendant, "What was the \r\nproblem?" "The pilot was bothered by a \r\nnoise he heard in the \r\nengine," \r\nexplained the flight attendant, \r\n"and it took us a while to find a new \r\npilot."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (42, 'Aviation jokes', 'Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE \r\n\r\nin-flight?...... It''s not \r\nbecause of the film''s content, \r\nit''s because the people in the film \r\nare \r\neating better than the \r\npeople on board.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (43, 'Aviation jokes', 'A few days after Christmas, a \r\nmother was \r\nworking in the kitchen listening \r\nto her son playing with his new \r\nairplane in the living room. She heard \r\nher \r\nson said, "All of you \r\nsons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, \r\ncause this is the \r\nlast stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are \r\ngetting on, get your \r\nasses in the plane, cause we''re going to take-off \r\nnow."\r\n\r\nThe \r\nmother went in and told her son, "We don''t use that kind of \r\n\r\nlanguage \r\nin this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to \r\nstay \r\nthere \r\nfor TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with \r\nyour plane, but I \r\nwant \r\nyou to use nice language." Two hours \r\nlater, the son comes out of the \r\nbedroom and resumes playing with his \r\nplane. Soon the mother heard her \r\nson \r\nsay, "All passengers who \r\nare deplaning, please remember to take all of \r\nyour belongings with \r\nyou. We thank you for flying with us today and \r\nhope \r\nyour tr\r\n ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again \r\n\r\nsoon."\r\n\r\nShe hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just \r\nboarding, we \r\nask \r\nyou to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. \r\nRemember, there \r\nis \r\nno smoking on the plane. We hope you will \r\nhave a pleasant and relaxing \r\njourney with us today."\r\n\r\nAs the \r\nmother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who \r\nare \r\n\r\npissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the \r\n\r\nkitchen."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (44, 'Aviation jokes', 'A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it \r\nreached a \r\ncomfortable \r\ncruising altitude, the captain made an \r\nannouncement over the \r\nintercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your \r\ncaptain speaking. \r\nWelcome to \r\nFlight number 293, non-stop from New \r\nYork to Los Angeles. The weather \r\nahead is good and therefore we \r\nshould have a smooth flight, Now sit \r\nback \r\nand relax. - OH MY \r\nGOD!"\r\n\r\nSilence\r\n\r\nThen, the captain came back on the intercom and \r\nsaid: "Ladies and \r\nGentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, \r\nbut while I was \r\ntalking \r\nthe flight attendant brought me a cup \r\nof coffee and spilled the hot \r\ncoffee \r\nin my lap. You should see \r\nthe front of my pants!"\r\n\r\nA passenger in Coach said: "That''s \r\nnothing. He should see the back of \r\nmine!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (45, 'Banana jokes', 'Why are bananas never lonely? \r\nBecause they \r\nhang around in bunches.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (46, 'Banana jokes', 'How do you catch King Kong? \r\nHang upside down \r\nand make a noise like a banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (47, 'Banana jokes', 'Time flies like an \r\narrow, but fruit flies \r\nlike a banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (48, 'Banana jokes', 'Tom: What did the banana say to \r\nthe elephant? \r\n\r\nNick: I don''t know. \r\nTom: Nothing. Bananas can''t talk.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (49, 'Banana jokes', 'Mandy: Our teacher went on a \r\nspecial banana \r\ndiet. \r\nAndy: Did she lose weight? \r\nMandy: No, but she sure could \r\nclimb trees well!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (50, 'Baby jokes', 'What does a baby computer call his \r\nfather?\r\nData.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (51, 'Baby jokes', 'Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest \r\nbaby in the \r\nworld? \r\nShe didn''t push the pram - she pulled it.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (52, 'Baby jokes', 'What was the policeman''s \r\nbaby''s first words \r\n?\r\nHallo, Hallo, Hallo !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (53, 'Baby jokes', 'Knock knock. \r\nWho''s there? \r\nBaby Owl. \r\n\r\nBaby Owl who? \r\nBaby Owl see you later, baby not.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (54, 'Baby jokes', 'How can you tell if a snake is a \r\nbaby snake? \r\n\r\nIt has a rattle.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (55, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A drunk stammers out of a bar \r\n\r\nand runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''''I''m \r\nJesus \r\nChrist.'''' \r\n\r\nThe first priest says, ''''No, son, I''m \r\nJesus Christ.'''' \r\n\r\nSo the drunk says it to the second priest. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe second priest replies, ''''No, son, I''m Jesus Christ.'''' \r\n\r\n\r\nThe drunk says, ''''Look, I can prove it.'''' and walks back into \r\nthe \r\nbar with the priests. \r\n\r\nThe bartender takes on look at the \r\ndrunk and exclaims, ''''Jesus \r\nChrist, you''re here again?''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (56, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'There were these three \r\nbrothers that were \r\nvery close to each other. The brothers always went to a \r\nlocal bar on \r\nevery Friday at 5:30 on the dot. \r\nWhen the brothers \r\ngot married they all got married to their wifes to be \r\non the same \r\nday and at the same place. \r\n\r\nWhen the brothers moved away from \r\neach other to go on with their lives \r\nwith their new wife, they all \r\npromised each other that they would still \r\ngo to the bar every friday \r\nat 5:30 and drink for each other. \r\n\r\nOn the first Friday that the \r\nbrothers were separated, the first brother \r\nwent to a local bar and \r\nordered three drinks. He took one sip from the \r\nfirst glass the took \r\none sip from the second glass then from the third. \r\nHe did this \r\nuntil all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and \r\nwent home. \r\n\r\n\r\nThis kept up for about three week before the bartender finally \r\nasked \r\nwhy he did that. The guy explained about the promise th\r\n at he had with his \r\nbrothers. The bartender said that he thought \r\nthat was a very good \r\npromise to keep with each other. \r\n\r\nOne day \r\nthe same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. \r\nThe \r\nbartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully \r\n\r\nsorry about your brother." \r\n\r\nThe guy not knowing anything about \r\nwhat the bartender was talking about \r\nsaid "What happened to him?" The \r\nbartender said that when he only \r\nordered two drinks instead of \r\nthree he thought that something awful had \r\nhappened. \r\n\r\nThe brother \r\nthen said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just \r\ndecided to \r\ngive up alcohol."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (57, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks in to a bar and \r\nsays to the \r\nbartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt \r\nscotch quick!"] \r\nThe bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks \r\nthem as fast as he \r\ncan. \r\n\r\nThe bartender says " Wow. I never \r\nsaw anybady drink that fast." \r\n\r\nThe man says " well you would drink \r\nas fast as I do if you had what I \r\nhave." \r\n\r\nThe bartender says \r\n" Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?" \r\n\r\nThe man looks at \r\nhim and says " Fifty cents."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (58, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy stumbles \r\nthrough the \r\nfront door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a \r\nbeer. \r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I''m sorry sir, but \r\nI \r\ncan''t serve you...you''ve already had too much to drink." The \r\nguy \r\nswears and walks out of the bar. \r\n\r\nFive minutes later the \r\nguy comes flying through the side door of the \r\nbar, and yells for a \r\nbeer. \r\n\r\nAgain the bartender says,"I''m sorry, sir...but I can''t \r\nserve \r\nyou...you''ve already had too much to drink!" \r\n\r\nTen \r\nminutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back \r\ndoor \r\nof the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. \r\n\r\n\r\nAgain, the bartender says to the man..."I''m really sorry, sir, but \r\n\r\nyou''ve had too much to drink...you''re going to have to leave!" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, \r\n\r\nman... How many bars do you work at?!!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (59, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'One day an Englishman, an \r\n\r\nAmerican, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to \r\n\r\neach buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy \r\n\r\ntheir beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. \r\n\r\nThe \r\nAmerican fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued \r\n\r\ndrinking it as if nothing had happened. \r\n\r\nThe Canadian picked the fly \r\nout of his drink and started shaking it \r\nover the pint, yelling... \r\n\r\n\r\n"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (60, 'Barbie doll jokes', 'There is a new Barbie doll on the market - \r\n\r\nCrash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (61, 'Barbie doll jokes', 'There is a new \r\nBarbie doll on the market \r\n- Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head; \r\nguillotine \r\nincluded');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (62, 'Barbie doll jokes', 'There is a new Barbie doll on the market - \r\n\r\nHiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (63, 'Barbie doll jokes', 'There is a new Barbie \r\ndoll on the market \r\n- East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a \r\nKen doll');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (64, 'Barbie doll jokes', 'There is a new Barbie doll on the market - \r\nFrozen Barbie on \r\na Stick ...in your grocer''s frozen food section');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (65, 'Bath jokes', 'How do vampire football players get the mud off? \r\n\r\nThey all get in the bat-tub.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (66, 'Bath jokes', 'Which villains steal soap from the bath? \r\nRobber \r\nducks.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (67, 'Bath jokes', 'Boy: Dad, dad, there''s a spider in the bath. \r\n\r\nDad: What''s wrong with that? You''ve seen spiders before. \r\nBoy: Yes, \r\nbut this one is three feet wide and using all the hot \r\nwater!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (68, 'Bath jokes', 'Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your \r\nbath, Mrs Soap? \r\nMrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I''d drunk the \r\nbath there wasn''t \r\nroom for medicine.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (69, 'Bath jokes', 'The plumber was working in a house when the lady of \r\n\r\nthe house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while \r\n\r\nyou''re having your lunch?"\r\n"It''s okay with me lady," said the \r\nplumber, "as long as you don''t \r\nsplash my sandwiches."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (70, 'Beauty jokes', 'My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. \r\n\r\nMaybe that is why she always looks so sour.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (71, 'Beauty jokes', 'I''m not ugly. I could \r\nmarry anyone I \r\npleased! \r\nBut that''s the problem - you don''t please anyone.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (72, 'Beauty jokes', 'Fred: What''s \r\nthat terribly ugly thing on \r\nyour shoulders? \r\nHarry: Help! What is it? \r\nFred: Your head!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (73, 'Beauty jokes', 'She''s so ugly that when a wasp stings her it \r\nshuts \r\nits eyes.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (74, 'Beauty jokes', 'First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror \r\nadmiring \r\nmy beauty. Do you think that''s vanity? \r\nSecond girl: \r\nNo, it''s imagination.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (75, 'Bed jokes', 'Who stole the sheets from the bed? \r\nBed \r\nbuglars.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (76, 'Bed jokes', 'What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? \r\n\r\nSleep in the wardrobe.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (77, 'Bed jokes', 'What do you call a python with a great bedside \r\n\r\nmanner? \r\nA snake charmer.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (78, 'Bed jokes', 'What should you do if you find a witch in your bed? \r\n\r\nRun!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (79, 'Bed jokes', 'Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister''s \r\nbed? \r\nSon: I couldn''t find a spider.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (80, 'Bicycle jokes', 'While crossing the US-Mexican border on his \r\n\r\nbicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the \r\nman \r\nhad on his shoulders. "What''s in the bags?", asked the \r\nguard.\r\n\r\n"Sand," said the cyclist.\r\n\r\n"Get them off - we''ll take a \r\nlook," said the guard. \r\n\r\nThe Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the \r\nbags, and proving they \r\ncontained nothing but sand, reloaded the \r\nbags, put them on his shoulders \r\nand continued across the border. \r\n\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded \r\nto \r\nsee the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This \r\nwent on \r\nevery week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the \r\nsand bags \r\nfailed to appear. \r\n\r\nA few days later, the guard \r\nhappened to meet the cyclist downtown. \r\n"Say friend, you sure had us \r\ncrazy", said the guard. "We knew you were \r\nsmuggling something across \r\nthe border. I won''t say a word - but what is \r\nit you were smu\r\n ggling?" "Bicycles!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (81, 'Bicycle jokes', 'What is a ghost-proof bicycle? \r\nOne with no \r\nspooks in it.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (82, 'Bicycle jokes', '"Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle \r\n\r\nyour feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym \r\n\r\nteacher. \r\n"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy." \r\n\r\n"I''m freewheeling, sir."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (83, 'Bicycle jokes', 'Did you hear about the vampire bicycle \r\nthat \r\nwent round biting people''s arms off? \r\nIt was a vicious cycle.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (84, 'Bicycle jokes', 'My dog is a nuisance. \r\nHe chases everyone on \r\na bicycle. \r\nWhat can I do? \r\nTake his bike away.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (85, 'Biologist jokes', 'Two biologists are in the field following the \r\n\r\ntracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear \r\n\r\ncrashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up \r\nthe \r\nnearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after \r\nthem. The \r\nfirst biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking \r\nboots and pulls \r\na pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. \r\nThe second biologist \r\ngives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the \r\nworld are you doing?"\r\nHe replies, "I figure when the bear gets close \r\nto us, we''ll jump down \r\nand make a run for it."\r\n\r\nThe second \r\nguy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can''t outrun a \r\n\r\nfull-grown grizzly bear."\r\n\r\nThe first guy says, "I don''t have to outrun \r\nthe bear, I only have to \r\noutrun you!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (86, 'Biologist jokes', 'A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and \r\nasked his \r\nmother, "How was I born?"\r\n"Well honey..." said the \r\nslightly prudish mother, "the stork brought \r\nyou to us."\r\n"Oh," said \r\nthe boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"\r\n"Oh, the stork brought \r\nus too."\r\n"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy \r\npersisted.\r\n"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by \r\nnow \r\nstarting to squirm a little.\r\n\r\nSeveral days later, the boy \r\nhanded in his paper to the teacher who read \r\nwith confusion the \r\nopening sentence: "This report has been very \r\ndifficult to write due to \r\nthe fact that there hasn''t been a natural \r\nchildbirth in my family \r\nfor three generations."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (87, 'Biologist jokes', 'How do you eat a DNA \r\nspaghetti?\r\nWith a \r\nreplication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (88, 'Biologist jokes', 'A \r\nbiologist was interested in studying how \r\nfar bullfrogs can jump. He \r\nbrought a bullfrog into his laboratory, \r\nset it down, and commanded, "Jump, \r\nfrog, jump!"\r\nThe frog jumped \r\nacross the room.\r\nThe biologist measured the distance, then noted in \r\nhis journal, "Frog \r\nwith four legs jumped eight feet."\r\n\r\nThen \r\nhe cut the frog''s front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, \r\n\r\njump!"\r\nThe frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.\r\nAfter \r\nmeasuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, \r\n"Frog \r\nwith two legs jumped three feet."\r\n\r\nNext, the biologist cut off the \r\nfrog''s back legs. Once more, he \r\nshouted, "Jump, frog, \r\njump!"\r\nThe frog just lay there.\r\n"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist \r\nrepeated.\r\nNothing.\r\nThe biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - \r\nlost its \r\nhearing."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (89, 'Biologist jokes', 'A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and \r\nhis Personal \r\nPsychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a \r\nbeautiful young girl \r\nwho will want to know everything about \r\nyou."\r\n\r\nThe frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a \r\nparty?"\r\n\r\n"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (90, 'Bird jokes', 'A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On \r\n\r\nthe day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know \r\n\r\nyou are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me \r\nand my \r\nnew wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round \r\nand and no \r\nmatter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or \r\nI''ll break your \r\nneck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly \r\nagrees.\r\n\r\nOn returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as \r\ninstructed, and \r\nbehind him the bride and groom start to pack for the \r\nhoneymoon. The \r\nwife however has packed too much and they can''t get \r\nthe case closed. \r\n"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the \r\nwoman does so and \r\ngrunts and moans but can''t shut the case. "You \r\nget on top baby it might be \r\nbetter" Says the wife, so the man grunts \r\nand groans and tries his best \r\nbut still cant shut the \r\ncase.\r\n\r\nAfter a little thought the man says "Ok we''ll both get on top see\r\n  if \r\nthat''s any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or \r\nno neck \r\nI have to see this!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (91, 'Bird jokes', 'David received a parrot for his birthday. This \r\n\r\nparrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. \r\n\r\nEvery other word was an expletive. Those that weren''t expletives \r\nwere, to \r\nsay the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird''s \r\nattitude. \r\nHe was constantly saying polite words and playing soft \r\nmusic, he did \r\nanything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he \r\nyelled at the bird, \r\nthe bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird \r\ngot madder and ruder. \r\nFinally in a moment of desperation, David put \r\nthe parrot in the \r\nfreezer. For a few moments he heard the bird \r\nsquawking, kicking and screaming \r\nand then suddenly, there was quiet. \r\n\r\nDavid was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and \r\n\r\nquickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto \r\n\r\nDavid''s extended arm and said: "I''m sorry that I might have \r\noffended you \r\nwith my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven\r\n ess. I will try \r\nto correct my behavior." \r\n\r\nDavid was \r\nastounded at the bird''s change in attitude and was about to \r\nask what had \r\nchanged him when the parrot continued: \r\n\r\n"May I ask what the \r\nchicken did?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (92, 'Bird jokes', 'Q: Why do hens lay eggs?\r\nA: If they dropped \r\nthem, they''d break');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (93, 'Bird jokes', 'Q: What is a crowbar?\r\nA: A place were crows go \r\nto get a drink!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (94, 'Bird jokes', 'Q: Why did the turkey cross \r\nthe road?\r\nA: To \r\nprove he wasn''t chicken.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (95, 'Birthday jokes', 'A man asked his wife, "What would you most \r\n\r\nlike for your birthday?"\r\n\r\nShe said, "I''d love to be ten \r\nagain."\r\n\r\nOn the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early \r\nand they \r\nwent to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park \r\n- the Death \r\nSlide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a \r\ngo on every ride \r\nthere was.\r\n\r\nShe staggered out of the theme \r\npark five hours later, her head reeling \r\nand her stomach \r\nturning.\r\n\r\nThen off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.\r\n\r\nAt \r\nlast she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into \r\nbed.\r\n\r\nHer husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being \r\n\r\nten again?"\r\n\r\nOne eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, \r\nI meant dress \r\nsize!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (96, 'Birthday jokes', 'A couple have not been getting along for years, \r\nso the husband \r\nthinks,\r\n"I''ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for \r\nher birthday."\r\nWell, you can imagine her disappointment.\r\nThe next \r\nyear, her birthday rolls around again and this\r\ntime he doesn''t get \r\nher anything.\r\nShe says, "Why didn''t you get me a birthday \r\npresent!?"\r\nHe replies, "You didn''t use what I got you last year!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (97, 'Birthday jokes', 'Home - A - \r\nAge Jokes\r\n\r\n"That''s an \r\nexcellent essay for someone your age," said the English \r\nteacher. \r\n\r\n"How about for someone my Mum''s age, Miss?" \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n"Welcome to \r\nschool, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the \r\nnew boy. \r\n"How old are you?" "I''m not old," said Simon. "I''m nearly \r\n\r\nnew."\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nMiss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school \r\nmagazine. \r\n"How old are you, ma''am?" asked Fred. \r\n"I''m not going \r\nto tell you that," she replied. \r\n"But Mr Hill the technical teacher \r\nand Mr Hill the geography teacher \r\ntold me how old they were." \r\n\r\n"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I''m the same age as both of them." \r\nThe \r\npoor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: \r\nMiss \r\nJones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as \r\nthe \r\nHills. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science \r\nteacher, "you can \r\ntell a tree''s age by counting the rings in\r\n  a cross section. One ring \r\nfor each year." \r\nFred went home for \r\ntea and found a chocolate roll on the table. \r\n"I''m not eating that, \r\nMum!" she said. "It''s five years old." \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nGrandma: \r\nYou''ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate \r\nevery one. \r\n\r\nFred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? \r\nGrandma: Yes, I do. \r\n\r\nFred: Well, you can have mine. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHow old is your \r\nwife?\r\nApproaching forty.\r\nFrom which direction?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAn \r\neminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was \r\ncorrect \r\nthat he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.\r\n\r\n`That''s \r\nright,'' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I \r\nhaven''t an \r\nenemy in the world. They''re all dead.''\r\n\r\n`Well, sir,'' said the \r\ninterviewer, `I hope very much to have the \r\nhonour of interviewing \r\nyou on your hundredth birthday.''\r\n\r\nThe old man looked at the young \r\nman closely, and said, `I can''t see \r\nwhy you shouldn''t. You \r\n look fit and healthy to me!''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (98, 'Birthday jokes', 'Johnny was racing \r\naround the garden on his \r\nnew bicycle and called out to his mother to \r\nwatch his tricks. \r\n\r\n\r\n''Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No \r\n\r\nteeth!''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (99, 'Birthday jokes', 'First boy: Are you having a party for your \r\nbirthday? \r\nSecond boy: No, I''m having a witch do. \r\nFirst boy: \r\nWhat''s a witch do? \r\nSecond boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting \r\nspells.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (100, 'Blind jokes', 'One day two blind men started \r\nfighting.\r\n\r\nPretty soon a crowd surrounded them.\r\n\r\nThen one of the members of \r\nthe crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the \r\none with the \r\nknife."\r\n\r\nBoth men ran away.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (101, 'Blind jokes', 'Q: Why don''t blind people skydive?\r\nA: It \r\nscares the heck out of the dog.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (102, 'Blind jokes', 'A blind man walks into a store \r\nwith his \r\nseeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and \r\nbegins \r\nswinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and \r\nasks, \r\n"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking \r\n\r\naround."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (103, 'Blind jokes', 'A blind man was describing his favorite sport, \r\nparachuting. \r\nWhen asked how this was accomplished, he said that \r\nthings were all done \r\nfor him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing \r\neye dog and told when \r\nto jump. My hand is placed on my release ring \r\nfor me and out I go with \r\nthe dog."\r\n\r\n"But how do you know when \r\nyou are going to land?" he was asked. "I \r\nhave a very keen sense of \r\nsmell, and I can smell the trees and grass \r\nwhen I am 300 feet from \r\nthe ground" he answered.\r\n\r\n"But how do you know when to lift your \r\nlegs for the final arrival on \r\nthe ground?" he was again asked. He \r\nquickly answered: "Oh, the dog''s \r\nleash goes slack."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (104, 'Blind jokes', 'There once was a blind man who decided to visit \r\n\r\nTexas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, \r\n"Wow, \r\nthese seats are big!" The person next to him answered, \r\n"Everything is \r\nbig in Texas." \r\n\r\nWhen he finally arrived in Texas, he \r\ndecided to visit a bar. Upon \r\narriving in the bar, he ordered a beer \r\nand got a mug placed between his \r\nhands. He exclaimed, "Wow these \r\nmugs are big!" The bartender replied, \r\n"Everything is big in Texas." \r\n\r\n\r\nAfter a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where \r\nthe \r\nbathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to \r\nthe \r\nright." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally \r\ntripped over \r\nand skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the \r\nthird door, which \r\nlead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by \r\naccident. \r\n\r\nScared to death, the blind man started shouting, \r\n"Don''t flush, don''t \r\nflush!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (105, 'Blonde jokes', 'A blonde goes into work one morning crying her \r\n\r\neyes out. \r\nHer boss, concerned about his employee''s well being, \r\nasks \r\nsympathetically, "What''s the matter?" \r\n\r\nThe blonde \r\nreplies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that \r\nmy mother \r\nhad passed away." \r\n\r\n"I''m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don''t \r\nyou go home for the \r\nday... we aren''t terribly busy. Just take the \r\nday off to relax and rest." \r\n\r\nThe blonde very calmly explains, \r\n"No, I''d be better off here. I need \r\nto keep my mind off it and I \r\nhave the best chance of doing that here." \r\n\r\nThe boss agrees and \r\nallows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need \r\nanything, just let me \r\nknow," he says. \r\n\r\nA few hours pass and the boss decides to check \r\non the blonde. He looks \r\nout over his office and sees the blonde \r\ncrying hysterically. He rushes \r\nout to her, and asks, "Are you going to \r\nbe okay? Is there anything I \r\ncan do to help?" \r\n\r\n"No," re\r\n plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she \r\nsaid \r\nthat HER mom died too!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (106, 'Blonde jokes', 'A young ventriloquist is touring the \r\nclubs \r\nand one night he''s doing a show in a small club in a small town in \r\n\r\nArkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he''s going through his usual \r\n\r\ndumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her \r\n\r\nchair and starts shouting: "I''ve heard enough of your stupid \r\nblonde \r\njokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? \r\nWhat does the \r\ncolor of a person''s hair have to do with her worth as \r\na human being? \r\nIt''s guys like you who keep women like me from \r\nbeing respected at work \r\nand in the community and from reaching our full \r\npotential as a person, \r\nbecause you and your kind continue to \r\nperpetuate discrimination \r\nagainst, not only blondes, but women in \r\ngeneral...and all in the name of \r\nhumor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed \r\nand begins to apologize, when the \r\nblonde yells, "You stay out of \r\nthis, mister! I''m talking to that \r\nlittle idiot on your knee!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (107, 'Blonde jokes', 'The assistant asked the blonde if she would \r\n\r\nlike her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. \r\n\r\n"Six please" she \r\nsaid, "I could never eat twelve!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (108, 'Blonde jokes', 'A blonde was \r\nwalking down the road with a \r\nhealthy looking pig under her arm. As she \r\npassed the bus stop, \r\nsomeone asked, \r\n\r\n"Where did you get that?"\r\nThe pig replied, "I won \r\nher in a raffle!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (109, 'Blonde jokes', 'A person went into the \r\noffice kitchen one \r\nmorning and found a new blonde girl painting the \r\nwalls. She was \r\nwearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.\r\n\r\nThinking this was a \r\nlittle strange, he asked her why she was wearing \r\nthem rather than \r\nold clothes or an overall.\r\n\r\nShe showed him the instructions on the \r\ntin, \r\n\r\n"For best results, put on two coats".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (110, 'Book title jokes', 'How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (111, 'Book title jokes', 'Aches and \r\nPains by Arthur Ritis');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (112, 'Book title jokes', 'The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (113, 'Book title jokes', 'The \r\nPunished Schoolboy by Major \r\nBumsaw');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (114, 'Book title jokes', 'The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (115, 'Brother and sister jokes', 'So you are distantly related to the \r\n\r\nfamily next door, are you?\r\nYes- their dog is our dog''s \r\nbrother.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (116, 'Brother and sister jokes', 'A scoutmaster asked one of his \r\n\r\ntroop what good deed he had done for the day. ''Well,'' said the Scout. \r\n\r\n''Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby \r\nbrother \r\nhave it.''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (117, 'Brother and sister jokes', 'First Boy: Why is your brother \r\nalways flying off the handle \r\n?\r\nSecond Boy: Because he''s got a screw \r\nloose !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (118, 'Brother and sister jokes', 'Peter: My brother wants \r\nto work \r\nbadly!\r\nAnita: As I remember, he usually does !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (119, 'Brother and sister jokes', 'Dan: My little brother is a \r\nreal \r\npain.\r\nNan: Things could be worse.\r\nDan: How?\r\nNan: He could be \r\ntwins !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (120, 'Burger jokes', 'Are hamburgers male?\r\nYes, because they''re \r\nboygers, not girlgers!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (121, 'Burger jokes', 'Can a hamburger marry a \r\nhot dog?\r\nOnly if \r\nthey have a very frank relationship!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (122, 'Burger jokes', 'Can you name two burgers \r\nwho are \r\nroyalty?\r\nSir Loin and Burger King!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (123, 'Burger jokes', 'Do hamburgers make good vampires?\r\nNo, because \r\nthey always find themselves in ghoulash situations!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (124, 'Burger jokes', 'Do \r\nthey really serve burgers in \r\nTransylvania?\r\nVery rare-ly.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (125, 'Bus jokes', 'Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a \r\n\r\nbus driver. \r\nWitch: Well, I won''t stand in your way.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (126, 'Bus jokes', 'How do eels get around the \r\nseabed? \r\nThey go \r\nby octobus.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (127, 'Bus jokes', 'Bus passenger: I''d like a ticket to New York, \r\n\r\nplease. \r\nTicket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not, \r\nI''m in the \r\nbus queue, aren''t I?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (128, 'Bus jokes', 'What did the bus conductor say to the frog? \r\nHop \r\non.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (129, 'Bus jokes', 'Why did the bat miss the bus? \r\nBecause he hung \r\naround for too long.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (130, 'Cannibal jokes', 'Why don''t cannibals eat comedians?\r\nThey \r\ntaste funny.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (131, 'Cannibal jokes', 'Did you hear about the cannibal spider that \r\nate his \r\nuncle''s wife? He was an aunteater.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (132, 'Cannibal jokes', 'Why was the cannibal expelled \r\nfrom school? \r\n\r\nBecause he kept buttering up the teacher.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (133, 'Cannibal jokes', 'When do cannibals cook you? \r\nOn \r\nFried-days.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (134, 'Cannibal jokes', 'What does a cannibal eat with cheese? \r\n\r\nPickled organs.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (135, 'Business jokes', 'These two construction workers always noticed \r\n\r\nthat their boss always left \r\nearly on Fridays. So one asked the \r\nother that if the boss left early \r\nnext \r\nFriday if he would want \r\nto also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, \r\nwhen \r\nFriday came, \r\nthe boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The \r\none \r\noffered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to \r\njust \r\n\r\nhead on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. \r\n\r\nWhen \r\nhe reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the \r\nnoise was coming \r\nfrom the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss \r\nsleeping with his \r\nwife, so he quietly closed the door and headed \r\nback down the stairs and \r\nout the front door. He made his way down to \r\nthe bar to see if his \r\nfriend \r\nwas still there and he was. His \r\nfriend asked, "I thought you were \r\nheaded \r\nhome?" The man replied, \r\n"I did, but this is the last time I ever \r\nleave \r\nwork early a\r\n gain." His friend asked, "Why''s that?" The man replied, \r\n"I \r\n\r\nalmost got caught by the boss."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (136, 'Business jokes', 'A man is flying in a hot air balloon \r\nand \r\nrealizes he is lost. He reduces \r\nhis altitude and spots a man down \r\nbelow. He lowers the balloon further \r\nand shouts: "Excuse me, can you \r\ntell me where I am?"\r\n\r\nThe man below says: "Yes, you''re in a hot \r\nair balloon, hovering 30 \r\nfeet \r\nabove this field."\r\n\r\n"You \r\nmust work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.\r\n\r\n"I do," \r\nreplies the man. "How did you know?"\r\n\r\n"Well" says the balloonist, \r\n"everything you have told me is \r\ntechnically \r\ncorrect, but \r\ncompletely useless."\r\n\r\nThe man below says: "You must be in \r\nmanagement."\r\n\r\n"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you \r\nknow?"\r\n\r\n"Well", says the man, "you don''t know where you are, or where \r\nyou''re \r\n\r\ngoing, but you expect me to be able to help. You''re still in the \r\nsame \r\nposition you were before we met, but now it''s my fault."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (137, 'Business jokes', 'Several \r\nweeks after a young man had been \r\nhired, he was called into\r\nthe personnel director''s office. "What is \r\nthe meaning of this?" the\r\ndirector asked. "When you applied for this \r\njob, you told us you had \r\nfive\r\nyears experience. Now we \r\ndiscovered this is the first job you''ve ever\r\nheld."\r\n\r\n"Well," the young \r\nman replied, "in your advertisement you said you\r\nwanted somebody \r\nwith imagination."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (138, 'Business jokes', 'There was this man who was in a \r\nhorrible \r\naccident, and was injured. But \r\nthe only permanent damage he suffered \r\nwas the amputation of both of his \r\nears. As a result of this \r\n''unusual'' handicap, he was very \r\nself-conscious \r\nabout his having no \r\nears. \r\n\r\nBecause of the accident, he received a large sum of money \r\nfrom the \r\ninsurance company. It was always his dream to own his own \r\nbusiness, so \r\nhe \r\ndecided with all this money he had, he now had \r\nthe means to own a \r\nbusiness. So he went out and purchased a small, \r\nbut expanding computer \r\nfirm. But he realized that he had no \r\nbusiness knowledge at all, so he \r\ndecided that he would have to hire \r\nsomeone to run the business. He \r\npicked \r\nout three top candidates, and \r\ninterviewed each of them. The first \r\ninterview went really well. He \r\nreally liked this guy. His last question \r\nfor this first candidate \r\nwas, ''Do you notice anything unusual about \r\nme?'' \r\nThe guy s\r\n aid, ''Now that you mention it, you have no ears.'' The man \r\ngot \r\n\r\nreally upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even \r\n\r\nbetter \r\nthan the first. This candidate was much better than the \r\nfirst. Again, \r\nto \r\nconclude the interview, the man asked the same \r\nquestion again, ''Do you \r\nnotice anything unusual about me?'' This \r\nguy also noticed, ''Yes, you \r\nhave \r\nno ears.'' The man was really \r\nupset again, and threw this second \r\ncandidate \r\nout. Then he had \r\nthe third interview.. The third candidate was even \r\nbetter \r\nthan \r\nthe second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he \r\n\r\nwanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, ''Do you notice \r\n\r\nanything \r\nunusual about me?'' The guy replied ''Yeah, you''re wearing \r\ncontact \r\nlenses.'' \r\nSurprised, the man then asked, ''Wow! That''s \r\nquite perceptive of you! \r\nHow \r\ncould you tell?'' The guy burst out \r\nlaughing and said, ''Well, You \r\ncan''t \r\nwear glasses if you d\r\n on''t have any ears!''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (139, 'Business jokes', 'When Abraham Liebowitz \r\ngets to school he \r\ndiscovers that he is the only \r\nJewish kid in the class. But it''s a \r\ndecent town and nobody really \r\nbothers \r\nhim. \r\n\r\nOne day the \r\nteacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who \r\never \r\n\r\nlived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar \r\n\r\nbill \r\nin the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get \r\nthis \r\ntwenty \r\ndollars". \r\n\r\nAll of the kids called out their \r\nguesses. \r\n\r\nOne said "George Washington - because he was the father \r\nof our \r\ncountry." \r\n\r\n"That''s excellent" said the teacher. \r\n\r\n\r\nAnother said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves." \r\n\r\n\r\n"That''s also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an \r\n\r\nexcellent, but \r\nstill being polite. \r\n\r\nOne little girl said "Joan \r\nof Arc - because she saved France." \r\n\r\nAnother excellent choice \r\nsaid the teacher. \r\n\r\nThen Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. \r\r\n nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the \r\n\r\ngreatest \r\nperson who ever lived, and why?" \r\n\r\nAnd Abraham said \r\n"Jesus Christ." \r\nThe teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I''m \r\nvery surprised. \r\nClass, \r\nI think we can all agree that Abraham \r\nshould get the twenty dollars." \r\nAnd \r\nshe handed Abraham Liebowitz \r\nthe money. \r\nAt recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she \r\nasked Abraham \r\nwhy \r\nhe said Jesus. \r\n\r\nAbraham said "Look, \r\npersonally I think Moses was the greatest person \r\nwho \r\never lived, \r\nbut... business is business!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (140, 'Car and train jokes', 'A grizzled old man was eating in a truck \r\n\r\nstop when three Hell''s Angels'' bikers walked in. The first walked \r\nup \r\nto the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man''s pie and \r\nthen \r\ntook a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old \r\nman, spat \r\ninto the old man''s milk and then he too took a seat at the \r\ncounter. The \r\nthird walked up to the old man, turned over the old \r\nman''s plate, and \r\nthen he took a seat at the counter. \r\nWithout a \r\nword of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly \r\n\r\nthereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, \r\n"Humph, not much of a \r\nman, was he?" \r\nThe waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver \r\neither, he just \r\nbacked his big-rig over three motorcycles."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (141, 'Car and train jokes', 'A man was in court charged \r\nwith \r\nparking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had \r\nanything \r\nto say in his defense. "They shouldn''t put up such misleading \r\n\r\nnotices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (142, 'Car and train jokes', 'As a \r\nsenior citizen was driving down \r\nthe freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, \r\nhe heard his wife''s \r\nvoice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard \r\non the news that \r\nthere''s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. \r\nPlease be \r\ncareful!" \r\n\r\n"Hell," said Herman, "It''s not just one car. It''s \r\nhundreds of \r\nthem!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (143, 'Car and train jokes', 'One day there was a family driving in the \r\ncar to Michigan to \r\nvisit their relatives. They were looking for the \r\nstreet they had to turn on \r\nto get to their relatives house. They \r\naccedently turned on the wrong \r\nstreet so they had to pull in a \r\ndriveway and turn around. When they \r\npulled into the driveway the girl \r\nasked her mother "Why dont these people \r\nhave electricity?" Very \r\nconfused the mother said, "Wut are u talking \r\nabout?" The girl quickly \r\nreplied, "Well, the sign back there said NO \r\nOUTLET!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (144, 'Car and train jokes', 'A man is driving along in the Irish \r\ncountryside, when he \r\ncomes to a petrol station, since he''s in need of \r\npetrol, the man decides \r\nto stop. He says to the attendant at the \r\nstation, "Fill it up, will \r\nyou?". The man says "Sorry - we''re right \r\nout of petrol." So the man \r\nconsiders, and says "Well, I''m a bit low \r\non oil, would you mind \r\ntopping that up?" And the attendant \r\nresponds"Sorry, but no oil either." \r\nThe man thinks, and asks the attendant \r\nto wash his windscreen, to which \r\nhe gets the by-now predictable \r\nresponse that he can''t do that. The man \r\nat this point is fairly mad, \r\nso he asks the attendant "Just what kind \r\nof petrol station is this \r\n?" The attendant then looks both ways, and \r\nvery carefully whispers \r\nto the man "To tell you the truth, this is just \r\nan IRA front." \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres \r\n\r\n!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (145, 'Cat jokes', 'For all of you with teenagers or who have had \r\n\r\nteenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have \r\na lot \r\nin common with cats: \r\n\r\n- Neither teenagers nor cats \r\nturn their heads when you call them by \r\nname. \r\n\r\n- No matter what \r\nyou do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane \r\nefforts are \r\nbarely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting \r\non them \r\nhand and foot. \r\n\r\n- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the \r\nhouse with an adult human \r\nbeing, and it can be safely said that no \r\nteenager in his or her right \r\nmind wants to be seen in public with his \r\nor her parents. \r\n\r\n- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, \r\nneither your cat nor your \r\nteen will ever crack a smile. \r\n\r\n- No \r\ncat or teenager shares you taste in music. \r\n\r\n- Cats and teenagers \r\ncan lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end \r\nwithout moving, \r\nbarely breathing. \r\n\r\n- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o\r\n n as if they did.\r\n\r\n- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same \r\nmanner, communicating \r\nthat ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of \r\ncomplete and utter boredom. \r\n\r\n- Cats and teenagers do not improve \r\nanyone''s furniture. \r\n\r\n- Cats that are free to roam outside \r\nsometimes have been known to \r\nreturn in the middle of the night to deposit \r\na dead animal in your bedroom. \r\nTeenagers are not above that sort of \r\nbehavior. \r\n\r\nThus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources \r\nof advice are not \r\nother parents, but veterinarians. It is also a \r\ngood idea to keep a \r\nguidebook on cats at hand at all times. And \r\nremember, above all else, put \r\nout the food and do not make any sudden \r\nmoves in their direction. When \r\nthey make up their minds, they will \r\nfinally come to you for some \r\naffection and comfort, and it will be a \r\ntriumphant moment for all \r\nconcerned.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (146, 'Cat jokes', 'A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man \r\nplaying chess with \r\nhis cat. She says to the man "I can''t believe \r\nwhat I''m seeing, a cat \r\nthat plays chess, what a clever animal!!" \r\nThe man replied "Nah lady \r\nthis cats not clever at all I''m beating it \r\n6 games to 1"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (147, 'Cat jokes', 'Little Tim \r\nwas in the garden filling in a hole \r\nwhen his neighbor peered over the \r\nfence. Interested in what the \r\ncheeky-faced youngster was up to, he \r\npolitely asked, "Whatcha doing, \r\nTim?" \r\n"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking \r\nup. \r\n"And I''ve just buried him." \r\n\r\nThe neighbor was \r\nconcerned. "That''s an awfully big hole for a \r\ngoldfish, isn''t it?" \r\n\r\n\r\nTim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That''s because \r\n\r\nhe''s inside your cat."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (148, 'Cat jokes', 'Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat?\r\nA: \r\nWhen you are a mouse!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (149, 'Cat jokes', 'Q: Where did the kittens go on their class \r\n\r\ntrip? - A: To a mewseum.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (150, 'Children jokes', 'A mother was reading a book about animals to \r\n\r\nher 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: \r\n\r\n"Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: \r\n\r\n"Oh, you''re so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed \r\n\r\nlittle 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice \r\n\r\nreplied, "Bud."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (151, 'Children jokes', 'A group of young children were siting in a circle with \r\n\r\ntheir teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. \r\n\r\n"Davy, what noise does a cow make?" \r\n\r\n"It goes moo." \r\n\r\n\r\n"Alice, what noise does a cat make?" \r\n\r\n"It goes meow." \r\n\r\n\r\n"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" \r\n\r\n"It goes baaa." \r\n\r\n\r\n"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" \r\n\r\n"Errr.., it goes.. \r\nclick!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (152, 'Children jokes', 'Why were ancient Egyptian children \r\n\r\nconfused? \r\nBecause their daddies were mummies.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (153, 'Children jokes', 'A little boy walked down the \r\naisle at a \r\nwedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two \r\nsteps, \r\nthen stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride''s \r\n\r\nside and the groom''s side. While facing the crowd, he would put his \r\n\r\nhands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, \r\nstep, \r\nROAR-all the way down the aisle.\r\nAs you can imagine, the \r\ncrowd was near tears from laughing so hard by \r\nthe time he reached the \r\npulpit.\r\nThe little boy, however, was getting more and more \r\ndistressed from all \r\nthe laughing, and he was near tears by the time he \r\nreached the pulpit.\r\nWhen asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back \r\nhis tears and \r\nsaid, "I was being the ring bear."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (154, 'Children jokes', 'A certain little girl, when asked \r\nher \r\nname, would reply, "I''m Mr. Sugarbrown''s daughter." Her mother \r\ntold \r\nher this was wrong, she must say,"I''m Janey Sugarbrown." \r\n\r\nThe \r\nVicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren''t you Mr. \r\n\r\nSugarbrown''s daughter?" \r\n\r\nWith her mother standing just a few feet \r\naway, the little girl replied, \r\n"I thought I was, but Mommy says I''m \r\nnot."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (155, 'Christmas jokes', 'What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?\r\nJungle \r\nBells, Jungle bells.. !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (156, 'Christmas jokes', 'Why are Christmas trees like bad \r\nknitters \r\n?\r\nThey both drop their needles !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (157, 'Christmas jokes', 'What did the bald man say when he got \r\na \r\ncomb for Christmas ?\r\nThanks, I''ll never part with it !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (158, 'Christmas jokes', 'Why is a burning candle like being \r\n\r\nthirsty ?\r\nBeacause a little water ends both of them !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (159, 'Christmas jokes', 'What do you get if you \r\ncross an apple \r\nwith a Christmas tree ?\r\nA pineapple !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (160, 'Clinton jokes', 'Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I''m about to \r\n\r\nhurt you"?\r\nA: "Trust me."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (161, 'Clinton jokes', 'Q: What''s the difference between Hillary \r\nClinton \r\nand a pit bull?\r\nA: The pit bull doesn''t carry a \r\nbriefcase.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (162, 'Clinton jokes', 'Q: What is the difference \r\nbetween Dan \r\nQuayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?\r\nA: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (163, 'Clinton jokes', 'Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton \r\nand \r\ntells him, "Bill, I had a\r\nwonderful dream last night. I could see \r\nAmerica, the whole beautiful\r\ncountry, and on each house I saw a \r\nbanner."\r\n\r\n"What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks.\r\n\r\nSaddam \r\nreplies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."\r\n\r\nClinton says, "You know, \r\nSaddam, I am really happy you called. Last \r\nnight \r\nI had a \r\nsimilar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more \r\nbeautiful than \r\never. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house \r\nflew an \r\nenormous banner."\r\n\r\n"What could you see on the banners?" Saddam \r\nasks.\r\n\r\nClinton replies, "I don''t know. I can''t read Hebrew."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (164, 'Clinton jokes', 'Q: How can \r\nyou tell Bill Clinton apart from \r\na cow?\r\nA: By the wise look in the eyes.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (165, 'College jokes', 'An applicant was being interviewed for \r\nadmission \r\nto a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the \r\ninterviewer, \r\n"where do you expect to be ten years from now?"\r\n\r\n"Well, \r\nlet''s see," replied the student. "It''s Wednesday afternoon. \r\nI guess \r\nI''ll be on the golf course by now."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (166, 'College jokes', 'Teenage Driver: But, \r\nofficer, I''m a \r\ncollege man.\r\nPoliceman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (167, 'College jokes', 'Why do University of \r\nArkansas graduates \r\ntape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? \r\nSo they can park \r\nin handicapped spaces.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (168, 'College jokes', 'How do you know a Brigham \r\nYoung student''s \r\nbeen mowing the lawn? \r\nThe welcome mat is destroyed.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (169, 'College jokes', 'What does the N on the Nebraska \r\nfootball \r\nhelmet stand for? \r\n"Nowledge."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (170, 'Cow jokes', 'Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of \r\nhumor?\r\nA: Laughing stock.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (171, 'Cow jokes', 'What did the farmer call the cow that would not \r\n\r\ngive him any milk ? \r\nAn udder failure !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (172, 'Cow jokes', 'Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.\r\nFarmer: Not \r\nbunch, herd.\r\nCamper: Heard what?\r\nFarmer: Of cows.\r\nCamper: Sure \r\nI''ve heard of cows.\r\nFarmer: No, I mean a cowherd.\r\nCamper: So \r\nwhat? I have no secrets from cows!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (173, 'Cow jokes', 'Why do cows wear bells \r\naround their \r\nnecks?\r\nBecause their horns don''t work.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (174, 'Cow jokes', 'A man climbed over a fence into a \r\nfield to pick \r\nsome flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. \r\nSay, farmer. Is that bull \r\nsafe? \r\nWell, he''s a lot safer than you are right now!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (175, 'Cowboy jokes', 'The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire \r\nseats \r\nin the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed \r\nthis \r\nhe whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you''re only \r\nallowed one \r\nseat." The cowboy groaned but didn''t budge. The usher \r\nbecame more \r\nimpatient. "Sir, if you don''t get up from there, I''m \r\ngoing to have to \r\ncall the manager. The cowboy just groaned. \r\n\r\nThe \r\nusher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned \r\n\r\nwith the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the \r\n\r\ncowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The \r\ncop \r\nsurveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, \r\nwhat''s \r\nyou''re name?" \r\n\r\n"Sam," the cowboy moaned. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Where ya from, Sam?" \r\n\r\nWith pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The \r\nbalcony."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (176, 'Cowboy jokes', 'Three cowboys \r\nwere hanging out in the \r\nbunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," \r\nsaid the first. "He''s going to \r\nstart bragging about that new foreign car \r\nhe bought as soon as he \r\ngets back." \r\n\r\n"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He''ll always \r\nbe just a good \r\nol'' boy. When he walks in, I''m sure all he''ll say \r\nis hello." \r\n\r\n"I know Tex better than either of you," said the \r\nthird. "He''s so \r\nsmart, he''ll figure out a way to do both. Here he \r\ncomes now." Tex swung \r\nopen the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, \r\npartners!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (177, 'Cowboy jokes', 'The cowboy \r\nwas trying to buy a health \r\ninsurance policy. The insurance agent was \r\ngoing down the list of standard \r\nquestions.\r\n\r\n"Ever have an accident?"\r\n\r\n"Nope, nary a \r\none."\r\n\r\n"None? You''ve never had any accidents."\r\n\r\n"Nope. Ain''t \r\nnever had one. Never."\r\n\r\n"Well, you said on this form you were bit by \r\na snake once. Wouldn''t \r\nyou consider that an \r\naccident?"\r\n\r\n"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (178, 'Cowboy jokes', 'Teacher: When do \r\nastronauts eat?\r\nPupil: \r\nAt launch time!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (179, 'Cowboy jokes', 'A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are \r\n\r\nto be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought \r\nto \r\nthe gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last \r\nrequest, \r\nto which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah''d be \r\nmighty \r\ngrateful if''n yoo''d play ''Achy Breaky Heart'' fur me \r\nbahfore ah hafta \r\ngo."\r\n\r\n"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says \r\nthe warden. He turns to \r\nthe biker, "And you, biker, what''s your \r\nlast request?"\r\n\r\n"That you kill me first."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (180, 'Criminal jokes', 'Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to \r\n\r\nprison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his \r\nfellow \r\ninmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good \r\nperson and made \r\narrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his \r\ntime. After \r\nthree years, Andy was recognized as one of the best \r\ncarpenters in the local \r\narea. Often he would be given a weekend pass to \r\ndo odd jobs for the \r\ncitizens of the community.... and he always \r\nreported back to prison before \r\nSunday night was over.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nwarden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done \r\nmuch \r\nof the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of \r\n\r\nkitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. \r\n\r\nSo he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job \r\nfor \r\nhim.\r\n\r\nBut, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, \r\nI''d really like \r\nto help you but counter fitting is what got\r\n  me into prison in the first \r\nplace".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (181, 'Criminal jokes', 'A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was \r\nabout to be \r\nexecuted.\r\n\r\n"Have you any last requests? asked the \r\nchaplain.\r\n\r\n"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my \r\nhand?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (182, 'Criminal jokes', 'Two men, \r\nsentenced to die in the electric \r\nchair on the same day were led down to \r\nthe room in which they would \r\nmeet their maker. The priest had given the \r\nlast rites, the formal \r\nspeech had been given by the warden, and a final \r\nprayer had been \r\nsaid among the participants. The Warden, turning to the \r\nfirst man, \r\nsolemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To \r\nwhich the man \r\nreplied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you \r\nplease play \r\nThe Macarena for me one last time?" \r\n\r\n"Certainly," replied the \r\nwarden. He turned to the other man and \r\nasked, "Well, what about you, \r\nson? What is your final request?" \r\n\r\n"Please," said the condemned \r\nman, "kill me first."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (183, 'Criminal jokes', 'A prisoner at \r\nthe Edmonton Max started \r\ntraining a large fly to do tricks.\r\n\r\nFor years, for thousands of \r\nhours, he worked with the insect. It \r\nlearned to walk across a miniature \r\nhigh wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, \r\nbalance on a pair of stilts \r\nand sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. \r\n\r\n"When you and I get \r\nout of here," the jailbird said to the fly. \r\n"we''re going to tour \r\nthe nightspots and make a fortune." \r\n\r\nFinally the day arrived. Fly \r\nsafely tucked away in his pocket, (inside \r\nits matchbox home), the \r\nex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. \r\n\r\nAt the bar, he \r\nbrought out his trick fly. On cue, it started \r\nmoonwalking. "What about \r\nthis fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. \r\n\r\nIn one swift motion, the \r\nbartender reached for his copy of the \r\nnewspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, \r\nrolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty \r\nswipe. \r\n\r\n"Glad \r\nyou saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are \r\neve\r\n rywhere."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (184, 'Criminal jokes', 'Why do they put a suicide watch on death row \r\nprisoners? Why \r\nwould you care if a man you''re planning to kill \r\nanyway, kills himself? \r\nDoes it spoil the fun? \r\n\r\nI also think \r\nabout the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day \r\nbefore his \r\nexecution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a \r\n\r\nhospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed \r\n\r\nhim.\r\n\r\nApparently, just to anger him.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (185, 'Dance jokes', 'Q. What do you have when only one line dancer \r\n\r\ncomes to your party?\r\nA. A One Liner!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (186, 'Dance jokes', 'Q. What do you call two line dancers doing the \r\ndance \r\nShoot the Rooster?\r\nA. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (187, 'Dance jokes', 'Q. What do you call a one legged \r\n\r\nlinedancer?\r\nA. Eileen (I Lean)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (188, 'Dance jokes', 'Q. Where do tired linedancers go for \r\nBreakfast?\r\nA. Ihop');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (189, 'Dance jokes', 'Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last \r\nnight. I \r\ndreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus \r\ngirls in the \r\nworld. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a \r\nrow." \r\nDoctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn''t sound so terrible." \r\n\r\nAndy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (190, 'Dead and dying jokes', 'A woman goes into the local newspaper \r\n\r\noffice to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is \r\n\r\npublished. After\r\nthe editor informs her that the fee for the \r\nobituary is 50\r\ncents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, \r\nthen,\r\nlet it read ''Fred Brown died''."\r\n\r\nConfounded at the \r\nwoman''s thrift, the editor stammers that there\r\nis a 7-word minimum for \r\nall obituaries. The woman pauses again,\r\ncounts on her fingers and \r\nreplies, "In that case, ''Fred Brown\r\ndied: 1983 Pick-up for \r\nsale''."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (191, 'Dead and dying jokes', 'A Packer fan was enjoying himself at \r\n\r\nthe game in a packed Lambeau Field,\r\nuntil he noticed an empty seat \r\ndown in front. He went down and asked \r\nthe\r\nguy next to it if he \r\nknew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, \r\nthat''s\r\nmy wife''s \r\nseat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, \r\nbut\r\nnow \r\nmy wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was \r\n\r\nreally\r\ntoo bad he couldn''t find some relative to give the ticket to so \r\nthey \r\ncould\r\nenjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, \r\n"they''re all at \r\nthe funeral."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (192, 'Dead and dying jokes', 'A woman goes into a funeral home to make \r\narrangements \r\nfor her\r\nhusband''s funeral. She tells the director \r\nthat she wants her husband\r\nto be buried in a dark blue \r\nsuit.\r\n\r\nHe asks, "Wouldn''t it just be easier to bury him in the black \r\nsuit\r\nthat he''s wearing?"\r\n\r\nBut she insists that it must be a blue suit \r\nand gives him a blank\r\ncheck to buy one.\r\n\r\nWhen she comes back \r\nfor the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin\r\nand he is wearing a \r\nbeautiful blue suit. She tells the director how\r\nmuch she loves the \r\nsuit and asks how much it cost.\r\n\r\nHe says, "Actually, it didn''t \r\ncost anything. The funniest thing\r\nhappened. As soon as you left, \r\nanother corpse was brought in, this one\r\nwearing a blue suit. I noticed \r\nthat they were about the same size, and\r\nasked the other widow if she \r\nwould mind if her husband were buried in\r\na black suit. She said that \r\nwas fine with her. So... I switched the\r\nheads."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (193, 'Dead and dying jokes', 'Sam was on his death bed, and his wife \r\nand children were \r\ngathered\r\naround him. Suddenly the aroma of \r\nchopped liver filled the room.\r\n\r\nSam perked up a bit and said to his \r\nwife, "That''s it, one last time\r\nbefore I die I must have some of \r\nyour delicious chopped liver."\r\n\r\nSam''s wife looked at him sadly and \r\nsaid, "Sorry Sam, it''s for \r\nafter."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (194, 'Dead and dying jokes', 'What''s the difference between a very \r\nold, shaggy Yeti and a dead \r\nbee? \r\nOne''s a seedy beast and the \r\nother''s a deceased bee.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (195, 'Dentist jokes', 'A dentist, after completing work on a patient, \r\n\r\ncame to him begging.\r\n\r\nDentist: Could you help me? Could you \r\ngive out a few of your loudest, \r\nmost painful \r\nscreams?\r\n\r\nPatient: Why? Docor, it wasn''t all that bad this time.\r\n\r\nDentist: There \r\nare so many people in the waiting room right now, and I \r\ndon''t want \r\nto miss the four o''clock ball game.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (196, 'Dentist jokes', 'A patient came to \r\nhis dentist with problems \r\nwith his teeth.\r\n\r\nPatient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I \r\ndo?\r\n\r\nDentist: Wear a brown tie!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (197, 'Dentist jokes', 'Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, \r\n\r\nbut don''t worry it will take just five minutes.\r\nPatient: And how \r\nmuch will it cost?\r\nDentist: It''s $90.00. \r\nPatient: $90.00 for just \r\na few minutes work???\r\nDentist: I can extract it very slowly if you \r\nlike.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (198, 'Dentist jokes', '"I came in to \r\nmake an appointment with the \r\ndentist." said the man to the receptionist.\r\n\r\n"I''m sorry sir." \r\nshe replied. "He''s out right now, but..."\r\n\r\n"Thank you," \r\ninterrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. \r\n"When will he be out \r\nagain ?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (199, 'Dentist jokes', 'A husband and wife entered the \r\ndentist''s \r\noffice. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don''t want \r\ngas \r\nor Novocain because I''m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as \r\n\r\nquickly as possible."\r\n\r\n"You''re a brave man," said the dentist. \r\n"Now, show me which tooth \r\nit is."\r\n\r\nThe husband turns to his \r\nwife and says, "Open your mouth and show the \r\ndentist which tooth it \r\nis, dear."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (200, 'Dinosaur jokes', 'Q: Why doesn''t the dinosaur cross the road \r\n\r\nanymore?\r\nA: Because their eggs stink. (They''re extinct)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (201, 'Dinosaur jokes', 'Q: What do you get \r\nwhen dinosaurs crash \r\ntheir cars?\r\nA: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (202, 'Dinosaur jokes', 'Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a \r\n\r\npillow? \r\nA: Down in the mouth!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (203, 'Dinosaur jokes', 'Q: What''s green and purple and goes up and \r\n\r\ndown?\r\nA: Barney in an elevator.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (204, 'Dinosaur jokes', 'Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw \r\n\r\nthe volcano explode? \r\nA: What a lavaly day!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (205, 'Dirty jokes', 'An old man approaches the window of a cinema with \r\n\r\na chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the \r\n\r\ncounter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, \r\nmy pet \r\nchicken, of course!" "I''m sorry," The girl tells him. "We \r\ncan''t \r\nallow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner \r\nand stuffs \r\nthe chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, \r\nbuys his \r\nticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts \r\nto get hot and \r\nbegins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so \r\nthe chicken can stick \r\nit''s head out and watch the film. Seated \r\nnext to him is a woman. She \r\nlooks over at his lap and is horrified. \r\nShe elbows her friend Agnes and \r\nwhispers, "Agnes, this man over here \r\nhas just unzipped his trousers!" \r\nAgnes whispers back, "Oh, don''t \r\nworry about it...you''ve seen one, \r\nyou''ve seen them all." Madge \r\nsays, "I KNOW...but this one''s eating my \r\nPOPCORN!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (206, 'Dirty jokes', 'Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. \r\nThe \r\nfirst Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a \r\nbomb right \r\nnow, what would be the first thing you would \r\ndo?"\r\n\r\nThe second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. \r\n\r\nWhat would you do?"\r\n\r\nThe first Marine replied, "I would stand \r\nvery still for half an \r\nhour."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (207, 'Dirty jokes', 'The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. \r\nWith considerable \r\nbravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of \r\nbattle, in the line of \r\nfire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead \r\nsoldier. In a hail of \r\nbullets, he dove back to \r\nsafety.\r\n\r\n"Private," the officer said, "I''m recommending you for a medal. You \r\n\r\nrisked your life to save the locations of our secret \r\nwarehouses."\r\n\r\n"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said \r\n\r\nwhorehouses!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (208, 'Dirty jokes', 'What''s the speed limit of sex?\r\n68; at 69 you \r\nhave to turn around.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (209, 'Dirty jokes', 'What''s the ultimate rejection?\r\nWhen you''re \r\nmasturbating and your hand falls asleep.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (210, 'Divorce jokes', 'A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her \r\n\r\npending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your \r\ndivorce?" \r\n\r\nShe replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the \r\nmiddle of \r\nthe property with a stream running by." \r\n\r\n"No," he \r\nsaid, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" \r\n\r\n"It is made \r\nof concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. \r\n\r\n"I mean," he \r\ncontinued, "What are your relations like?" \r\n\r\n"I have an aunt and \r\nuncle living here in town, and so do my husband''s \r\nparents." \r\n\r\n\r\nHe said, "Do you have a real grudge?" \r\n\r\n"No," she replied, "We \r\nhave a two-car carport and have never really \r\nneeded one." \r\n\r\n\r\n"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your \r\nmarriage?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don''t \r\nnecessarily \r\nlike the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." \r\n\r\n\r\n"Ma''am, does your husband ever beat you up?" \r\n\r\n"Yes,"\r\n  she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I \r\ndo." \r\n\r\n\r\nFinally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you \r\nwant a \r\ndivorce?" \r\n\r\n"Oh, I don''t want a divorce," she replied. \r\n"I''ve never wanted a \r\ndivorce. My husband does. He said he can''t \r\ncommunicate with me!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (211, 'Divorce jokes', 'Two \r\nmen are talking. The first sez, "I got \r\nmarried because I was tired\r\nof eating out, cleaning the house, doing \r\nthe laundry and wearing\r\nshabby clothes."\r\n\r\n"Amazing," said the \r\nsecond, "I just got divorced for the very same\r\nreasons."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (212, 'Divorce jokes', 'Regardless of what you may hear, there''s still \r\nmany women \r\nthese days\r\nwho are excellent "housekeepers". Seems \r\neach time they get a divorce,\r\nthey keep the house.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (213, 'Divorce jokes', 'Staring down from the bench to announce the \r\n\r\nterms of the\r\ndivorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and \r\nsaid:\r\n"I''m going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." \r\n\r\n\r\nTo which the woman''s about-to-be ex replied: "That''s \r\nmighty\r\nkind of you, judge. I''ll try to help her all I can, too."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (214, 'Divorce jokes', 'A friend \r\nof mine just got divorced. He and \r\nhis ex-wife split the\r\nhouse. He got the outside.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (215, 'Doctor and nurse jokes', 'A doctor and his wife were having a \r\nbig \r\nargument at breakfast.\r\n"You aren''t so good in bed either!" he \r\nshouted and stormed off to \r\nwork.\r\nBy midmorning, he decided he''d \r\nbetter make amends and phoned home. \r\nAfter many rings, his wife \r\npicked up the phone.\r\n"What took you so long to answer?"\r\n"I was in \r\nbed."\r\n"What were you doing in bed this late?"\r\n"Getting a second \r\nopinion."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (216, 'Doctor and nurse jokes', 'Did you hear the new penalty for \r\n\r\nspeeding in Illinois? \r\nThe first offense they give you Bears tickets \r\nand the second offense \r\nthey make you use them.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (217, 'Doctor and nurse jokes', 'The surgeon told his patient that woke \r\nup after \r\nhaving been operated: "I''m afraid we''re going to have to \r\noperate you \r\nagain. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves \r\ninside you."\r\n\r\n"Well, if it''s just because of them, I''d rather pay \r\nfor them if you \r\njust leave me alone."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (218, 'Doctor and nurse jokes', 'Doctor Doctor I swallowed a \r\nbone.\r\nAre you choking?\r\nNo, I really did!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (219, 'Doctor and nurse jokes', 'Doctor, Doctor I think I need \r\nglasses\r\nYou certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (220, 'Dog jokes', 'A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to \r\n\r\ncompletely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you \r\n\r\nwant me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man \r\nreplied \r\n"Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make \r\nsure \r\nthere are no signs of any welcome!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (221, 'Dog jokes', 'A man was very proud of his guard \r\ndog, he would \r\nleave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his \r\nhouse was \r\nguarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your \r\nbig dog \r\noutside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes \r\nwhy?" She \r\nsaid I''m sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared \r\nthe \r\nman "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the \r\nwoman. "A \r\nPeke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard \r\ndog?" "I \r\nthink it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (222, 'Dog jokes', 'A man is \r\nwalking down the street when he hears \r\na voice, "Pssst you come over \r\nhere!" He looks round and can see no \r\none but an old mangy greyhound. \r\n"yes over here!" Said the greyhound \r\n"Look at me I''m tied up here, I \r\nshould be racing I won 14 races in \r\nmy carrer you know?" The man thought \r\nto himself "Oh my god a \r\ntalking dog, I have to have it, it will make \r\nme rich, tv appearances \r\ncabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the \r\nowner.\r\n\r\nHe found \r\nthe owner and said "I''d like to buy your dog, is he for \r\nsale??" The \r\nowner says "No mate you don''t want that old moth eaten \r\nthing!" \r\n"But I do!" Insisted the man "I''lll give you 1000 pounds for \r\nhim. "Ok \r\nsaid the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing \r\nover \r\nthe money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied \r\n\r\n"Because that dogs a bloody liar it''s never won a race in it''s \r\n\r\nlife!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (223, 'Dog jokes', 'A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said \r\n"Sorry mate no \r\ndogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please \r\ndon''t be like that, \r\nI''m trained and I won''t cause any trouble!" The \r\nbar man was \r\nastonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with \r\nthe dog and it''s owner. \r\nAfter a while the owner went to the toilet \r\nand the barman saw his \r\nchance for a prank. He said to the dog \r\n"Would you do me a favor as a wind \r\nup, will you go down to my friends \r\nbakers shop and order a loaf of \r\nbread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The \r\nbar man gave the dog a fiver and \r\nthe dog left.\r\n\r\nWhen the \r\nowner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw \r\nhis dog \r\nhad gone. The barman said "It''s ok he''s gone down to the \r\nbakery \r\nfor me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK he''s never been out on \r\nhis \r\nown, anything could happen to him he could get run over.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nowner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the \r\nstr\r\n eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming \r\nfrom an \r\nally way, he went down and there was his dog having it''s \r\nwicked way \r\nwith a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "You''ve had \r\nme worried \r\nsick, what''s the matter with you you''ve never \r\ndissapeared like this \r\nbefore!" The dog replied "I''ve never had a fiver \r\nbefore!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (224, 'Dog jokes', 'Upon \r\nentering the little country store, the \r\nstranger noticed a sign saying; \r\nDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the \r\nglass door. \r\nInside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the \r\nfloor besides \r\nthe cash register. \r\n\r\nHe asked the store \r\nmanager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to \r\nbeware of?" \r\n\r\n"Yep, \r\nthat''s him," he replied. \r\n\r\nThe stranger couldn''t help but be \r\namused. "That certainly doesn''t \r\nlook like a dangerous dog to me. Why \r\nin the world would you post that \r\nsign?" \r\n\r\n"Because," the \r\nowner replied, "before I posted that sign, people \r\nkept tripping over \r\nhim."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (225, 'E-mail jokes', 'Why couldn''t the alligator send e-mails on his \r\n\r\nPC?\r\nBecause it was on old croc.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (226, 'E-mail jokes', 'Why couldn''t the apple send an e-mail to \r\n\r\nthe orange?\r\nBecause the lime was engaged.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (227, 'E-mail jokes', 'Why didn''t the internit get any \r\n\r\ne-mail?\r\nBecause his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (228, 'E-mail jokes', 'Why do church bells \r\nnever send \r\ne-mails?\r\nThey''d rather give each other a ring.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (229, 'E-mail jokes', 'Why did the internit paint his \r\ncomputer \r\nscreen in little black and white squares?\r\nHe wanted to check his \r\ne-mail.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (230, 'Easter jokes', 'What is the Easter Bunny''s favourite state \r\n\r\ncapital? \r\nAlbunny, New York!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (231, 'Easter jokes', 'What would you get if you crossed the Easter \r\nBunny \r\nwith a famous French general? \r\nNapoleon Bunnyparte!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (232, 'Easter jokes', 'Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? \r\n\r\nJohns Hopkins!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (233, 'Easter jokes', 'Did you hear about the lady whose house was \r\ninfested \r\nwith Easter eggs? \r\nShe had to call an eggs-terminator!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (234, 'Easter jokes', 'What is the Easter Bunny''s \r\nfavourite sport? \r\n\r\nBasket-ball, of course!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (235, 'Elephant jokes', 'Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant''s \r\n\r\ntoes?\r\nA: Slow clowns.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (236, 'Elephant jokes', '''We''re going to play elephants and \r\ncircuses,'' said \r\na little boy at kindergarten, ''Do you want to join \r\nin?''\r\n''I''d love to,''replied the teacher. ''What do you want me to \r\ndo?''\r\n''You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (237, 'Elephant jokes', 'Why did the elephant \r\npaint his toenails \r\nred ?\r\nSo he could hide in the cherry tree !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (238, 'Elephant jokes', 'What do you call an elephant \r\nthat flies \r\n?\r\nA jumbo jet !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (239, 'Elephant jokes', 'What do you get if you cross an elephant and a \r\nkangaroo \r\n?\r\nBig holes all over Australia !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (240, 'Face jokes', 'What is grey and hairy and lives on a man''s face? \r\n\r\nA mousetache.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (241, 'Face jokes', 'Louise was watching her big sister covering her \r\nface \r\nwith cream. \r\n"What''s that for?" she asked. \r\n"To make me \r\nbeautiful," came the reply. \r\nLouise then watched in silence as she \r\nwiped her face clean. \r\n"Doesn''t work, does it?" was her comment.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (242, 'Face jokes', 'What happened when the \r\nwitch went for a job as \r\na TV presenter? \r\nThe producer said she had the perfect face for \r\nradio.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (243, 'Face jokes', 'Fred: You have \r\nthe face of a saint. \r\nJill: \r\nReally? Which one? \r\nFred: A Saint Bernard.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (244, 'Face jokes', 'Fred: You''ve got a Roman nose. \r\nHarry: Like \r\nJulius Caesar? \r\nFred: No, it''s roamin'' all over your face.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (245, 'Ethnic jokes', 'Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, \r\n\r\nan American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. \r\nThe \r\nhead of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your \r\nback \r\nfor your whipping?"\r\n\r\nThe German responds, "I will take \r\noil!" So they put oil on his back, \r\nand a large Amazon whips him ten \r\ntimes. When he is finished the German \r\nhas these huge welts on his \r\nback, and he can hardly move.\r\n\r\nThe Amazons haul the German away, \r\nand say to the Mexican, "What do you \r\nwant on your back?" \r\n\r\n"I \r\nwill take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight \r\n\r\nand takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.\r\n\r\n"What will \r\nyou take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. \r\n\r\nHe \r\nresponds, "I''ll take the Mexican."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (246, 'Ethnic jokes', 'An Englishman, Frenchman, \r\nMexican, and Texan \r\nwere flying across country on a small plane when the \r\npilot comes on \r\nthe loud speaker and says " We''re having mechanical \r\nproblems and \r\nthe only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of \r\nyou to \r\nopen the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"\r\n\r\nThe four \r\nopen the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep \r\n\r\nbreath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.\r\n\r\nThe Frenchman gets \r\nreally inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and \r\nhe also \r\njumps.\r\n\r\nThis really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" \r\nand \r\nhe grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (247, 'Ethnic jokes', 'There were \r\nthree Aggies; one crane operator, \r\none pole climber, one guide. The guide \r\ntied the crane to the end of \r\na pole. The crane operator would then pick \r\nthe pole up on end. The \r\nclimber climbed to the top and dropped a tape \r\nmeasure which the \r\nguide promptly read and noted the measurement. The \r\ncrane operator then \r\nlowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick \r\nup another \r\npole. This went on several times when the foreman came over \r\nand \r\nasked why they couldn''t measure the poles while they were laying \r\non \r\nthe ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles \r\n\r\nare, not how long".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (248, 'Ethnic jokes', 'Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an \r\n\r\nIrishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, \r\ntapped \r\nhim on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was \r\na \r\ndrunken loser."\r\n\r\n"Oh really, hmm, didn''t know \r\nthat."\r\n\r\nPuzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. \r\n\r\nPatrick was a loser, and he didn''t care." The second Englishman \r\n\r\nremarked, "You just don''t know how to set him off...watch and learn." \r\nSo, \r\nthe second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him \r\non the \r\nshoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, \r\ncheating, \r\nidiotic, low-life scum!"\r\n\r\n"Oh really, hmm, didn''t \r\nknow that."\r\n\r\nShocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to \r\nhis buddies. \r\n"You''re right. He''s unshakable!"\r\n\r\nThe third \r\nEnglishman remarked, "Boys, I''ll really tick him off... \r\njust watch." \r\nSo the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped \r\nhi\r\n m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an \r\nEnglishman!"\r\n\r\n"Yeah, that''s what your buddies were trying to tell me."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (249, 'Ethnic jokes', 'A US \r\nBorder Patrol Agent catches an illegal \r\nalien in the bushes right by the \r\nborder fence, he pulls him out and \r\nsays "Sorry, you know the law, you''ve \r\ngot to go back across the \r\nborder right now." \r\n\r\nThe mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo \r\nSenior, I must stay in de \r\nUSA! Pleeeze!" \r\n\r\nThe Border Patrol \r\nAgent thinks to himself, I''m going to make it hard \r\nfor him and says \r\n"Ok, I''ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words \r\nin a \r\nsentence". \r\n\r\nThe Mexican man of course agrees. \r\n\r\nThe Border Patrol \r\nAgent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and \r\nYellow. Now use \r\nthem in 1 sentence." \r\n\r\nThe Mexican man thinks really hard for \r\nabout 2 minutes, then says, \r\n"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, \r\nGreen, Green, I Pink it up and sez \r\nYellow?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (250, 'Firefighter jokes', 'The Fire brigade phones George Graham in \r\nthe \r\nearly hours of Sunday morning.\r\n\r\n"Mr Graham sir, White Hart \r\nLane is on fire!"\r\n\r\n"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries \r\nGeorge.\r\n\r\n"Uh, the fire hasn''t spread to the canteen yet, sir."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (251, 'Firefighter jokes', 'After the \r\nfire-truck arrived at a \r\nburning building in a small Spanish town, the \r\nfiremen observed a man \r\ndressed in a matador''s costume prancing around on \r\nthe roof. Four of \r\nthe firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape \r\nfrom the \r\nburning building by jumping into the net. He refused and \r\nloudly \r\nproclaimed, "I''m Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, \r\nnot even \r\nfire."\r\n\r\nThe firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept \r\nprancing \r\naround while repeating the same phrase over and over until \r\nthe firemen got \r\nreally sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when \r\nthe flames began to \r\nscorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed \r\nhis mind, was ready to \r\njump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his \r\nbody hurtled toward the \r\nsafety-net, the four firemen shouted, \r\n"Ole!" and quickly moved it \r\naside.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (252, 'Firefighter jokes', 'A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory \r\nwas always late for work. \r\nWhen confronted by his boss the man \r\nexplained:\r\n"You can''t park anywhere near this place!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (253, 'Firefighter jokes', 'A man calls the fire \r\ndepartment and \r\nsays, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I \r\nhave a nice \r\nnew flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new \r\nrose \r\ngarden."\r\n\r\n"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have \r\nto do \r\nwith the fire service?"\r\n\r\n"Well," the man answers, "the \r\nhouse next door is on fire and I \r\ndon''t want you to trample my front \r\nyard."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (254, 'Firefighter jokes', 'How many firemen does it take \r\nto change \r\na light bulb?\r\nFour - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to \r\nchange the bulb.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (255, 'Farmer jokes', 'This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he \r\n\r\ngoes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. \r\n\r\nThe neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name''s Roy. \r\nHe''ll \r\nget all your hens pregnant. He''s a real stud." \r\n\r\nSo the \r\nfarmer takes him home and says, "It''s your first day so take \r\nit \r\nslow, okay?" \r\n\r\nThe farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears \r\nall the hens crying \r\nand yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens \r\nand then nailed a duck \r\nand a goose at a pond. \r\n\r\nThe next \r\nmorning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking \r\nin the \r\nair and buzzards circling overhead. \r\n\r\nThe farmer says, "Roy, did \r\nyou have to die?" \r\n\r\nRoy says, "Quiet! They''re about to land!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (256, 'Farmer jokes', 'There was a farmer who \r\nhad a lot of live \r\nstock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. \r\nOne day a \r\nterrible twister came and the man and his family were only \r\nsaved by \r\nthrowing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, \r\nhe \r\nlooked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he \r\n\r\nwent out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, \r\n\r\nchickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The \r\n\r\nfarmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other \r\nanimals \r\nare down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We \r\nbulls \r\nwobble but we don''t fall down!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (257, 'Farmer jokes', 'A jogger running down a country road \r\nis \r\nstartled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The \r\njogger \r\nis stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing \r\n\r\nand asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man \r\n\r\nI''ve got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this \r\n\r\nfarmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I''m sick of it. \r\nWhy \r\ndon''t you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. \r\nI''ll \r\nmake you some money cause I can still run." The jogger \r\nthought to \r\nhimself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing \r\nin his head. \r\nSo he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting \r\non the porch. The \r\njogger tells the farmer"Hey man I''ll give you \r\n$5,000 for that old \r\nbroken down nag you''ve got in the field". The \r\nfarmer replies"Son you \r\ncan''t believe anything that horse says-He''s \r\nnever even been to \r\nKentucky.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (258, 'Farmer jokes', 'On a rural road a state trooper pulled this \r\nfarmer over and said: \r\n"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the \r\ncar several miles \r\nback?"\r\n\r\nTo which the farmer replied: "Thank \r\nGod, I thought I had gone \r\ndeaf!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (259, 'Farmer jokes', 'A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad \r\nin a lawsuit filed by \r\nan old rancher. The rancher''s prize bull was \r\nmissing from the section \r\nthrough which the railroad passed. The \r\nrancher only wanted to be paid \r\nthe fair value of the bull. \r\n\r\nThe \r\ncase was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in \r\n\r\nthe back room of the general store. \r\n\r\nThe attorney for the \r\nrailroad immediately cornered the rancher and \r\ntried to get him to settle \r\nout of court. The lawyer did his best selling \r\njob, and finally the \r\nrancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. \r\n\r\nAfter the \r\nrancher had signed the release and took the check, the young \r\nlawyer \r\ncouldn''t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the \r\n\r\nrancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one \r\n\r\nover on you in there. I couldn''t have won the case. The engineer was \r\n\r\nasleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr\r\n ough your \r\nranch that morning. I didn''t have one witness to put on \r\nthe stand. I \r\nbluffed you!" \r\n\r\nThe old rancher replied, "Well, \r\nI''ll tell you, young feller, I was a \r\nlittle worried about winning \r\nthat case myself, because that durned bull \r\ncame home this \r\nmorning."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (260, 'Fishing jokes', 'Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with \r\n\r\nno luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, \r\nwhen a \r\nguy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts \r\npulling out \r\nfish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water. \r\nBob \r\ncan''t believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back. \r\n\r\n"what did you say?" replies Bob. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, \r\n" you \r\nhave to keep your worms warm".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (261, 'Fishing jokes', 'If you''re fishing on ice, you should \r\nnever \r\ntell a joke on ice. WHY??? \r\n\r\nThe ice will crack up!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (262, 'Fishing jokes', 'Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA:a cold');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (263, 'Fishing jokes', 'Q:what did the fish say when he hit the \r\nconcrete wall? \r\n\r\n\r\nA:Damn');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (264, 'Fishing jokes', 'It was well known that a certain lake was very \r\npoor for \r\nfishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice \r\nthat one guy kept \r\ncoming home with his limit of fish on several \r\noccations. He asked the guy: \r\n"How is it that you are catching fish out of \r\nthat lake when no one \r\nelse can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going \r\nback up there tommorow, why \r\ndon''t you come along?" And, so the \r\nwarden did. They were in the boat \r\nwhen the fisherman reached over and \r\nlit a stick of dynamite and then \r\ntossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There \r\nwere fish floating to the surface all \r\nover! The game warden freaked \r\nout, and said: "You can''t do that! \r\nThat''s illeagal!" The \r\nfisherman reached over and lit another stick and \r\nsaid: "Are you going to \r\nfish, or talk?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (265, 'Food jokes', 'Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?\r\nA. Hey \r\nBaby, what''s SHAKING!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (266, 'Food jokes', 'One day, Bill and Tom went to a \r\nrestaurant for \r\ndinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly \r\n\r\npicked out the bigger steak for himself.\r\n\r\nTom wasn''t happy about \r\nthat: "When are you going to learn to be \r\npolite?"\r\n\r\nBill: "If \r\nyou had the chance to pick first, which one would you \r\n\r\npick?"\r\n\r\nTom: "The smaller piece, of course."\r\n\r\nBill: "What are you whining \r\nabout then? The smaller piece is what you \r\nwant, right?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (267, 'Food jokes', 'A customer was bothering the waiter in a \r\nrestaurant. \r\nFirst, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because \r\nhe was \r\ntoo hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too \r\ncold, and so on \r\nfor about half an hour.\r\n\r\nSurprisingly, the \r\nwaiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and \r\nnever once got \r\nangry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he \r\ndidn''t throw \r\nout the pest.\r\n\r\n"Oh, I really don''t care or mind," said the waiter \r\nwith a smile. \r\n"We don''t even have an air conditioner."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (268, 'Food jokes', 'A customer was bothering the \r\nwaiter in a \r\nrestaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be \r\nturned up \r\nbecause he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause \r\nhe was too \r\ncold, and so on for about half an hour.\r\n\r\nSurprisingly, the waiter \r\nwas very patient, he walked back and forth and \r\nnever once got \r\nangry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he \r\ndidn''t throw out \r\nthe pest.\r\n\r\n"Oh, I really don''t care or mind," said the waiter \r\nwith a smile. \r\n"We don''t even have an air conditioner."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (269, 'Food jokes', 'A family of three tomatoes \r\nwere walking \r\ndowntown one day when the little baby tomato started \r\nlagging behind. The \r\nbig father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps \r\non her, \r\nsquashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (270, 'Frog jokes', 'A librarian was quietly working when three \r\nchickens \r\nwalked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said "BUK BUK \r\n\r\nBUK" Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and \r\nthey left.\r\n\r\nAn hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto \r\nthe counter, \r\nreturned the books they had taken earlier and said "BUK \r\nBUK BUK" Now \r\nconvinced she was out of her mind she gave them three \r\nbooks, they took one \r\neach and left. This time she decided to follow \r\nthem. She followed them \r\ndown to the local pond and stood horrified \r\nas they threw the books into \r\nthe water.\r\n\r\nAll of a sudden they \r\nflew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it''s \r\nhead up saying \r\n"RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (271, 'Frog jokes', 'Q: What do you call a frog \r\nwith no hind \r\nlegs?\r\nA: Unhoppy!!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (272, 'Frog jokes', 'I''d like a new frog, please. \r\nBut you bought \r\none only yesterday. What happened? \r\nIt Kermit-ted suicide.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (273, 'Frog jokes', 'How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ?\r\nThey \r\nsit eggsaminations !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (274, 'Frog jokes', 'What do you call a rich frog ? \r\nA golf blooded \r\nreptile !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (275, 'Ghost jokes', 'How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a \r\n\r\nliving? \r\nBy appearing in television spooktaculars.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (276, 'Ghost jokes', 'What did the papa ghost say \r\nto the baby \r\nghost. \r\nFasten your sheet belt.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (277, 'Ghost jokes', 'What do you call a ghost that stays out all \r\n\r\nnight? \r\nAfresh air freak.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (278, 'Ghost jokes', 'Why did the ghost go to the funfair. \r\nHe \r\nwanted to go on the rollerghoster.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (279, 'Ghost jokes', 'Why did the ghost work at \r\nScotland Yard? \r\n\r\nHe was the Chief In-Spectre.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (280, 'Gorilla jokes', 'A man walks outside to his car for work, when \r\nhe \r\nnotices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and \r\nfinds the \r\nanimal control number, calls and asks them to send over \r\nsomeone who''s \r\na gorilla expert. \r\nWhen the man arrives, he is \r\ncarrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair \r\nof handcuffs. The man \r\nsays,''''What are all of those for?'''' \r\n\r\nThe animal control officer \r\nsays, ''''I''ll climb up in the tree, knock \r\nthe gorilla down, the dog \r\nwill bite him in the nuts and you must slap \r\nthe handcuffs on his \r\nwrists.'''' \r\n\r\nThe man asks,''''What is the gun for?'''' \r\n\r\nThe \r\nanimal control officer responds, ''''If I fall first, you shoot the \r\n\r\ndog!''''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (281, 'Gorilla jokes', 'Q: What''s black and dangerous and lives in a \r\ntree?\r\nA: A gorilla with a machine gun.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (282, 'Gorilla jokes', 'Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of \r\nthe tree \r\n?\r\nA: Because it was dead.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (283, 'Gorilla jokes', 'Q: Why are gorillas so noisy?\r\nA: They were \r\nraised in a zoo!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (284, 'Gorilla jokes', 'Q: What do you get when you put an \r\n\r\nexperimental monkey in a blender?\r\nA: Rhesus Pieces.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (285, 'Halloween jokes', 'What do witches eat at Halloween? \r\n\r\nSpook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil''s food cake and Boo-berry pie.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (286, 'Halloween jokes', 'Why \r\ndid the wizard wear a yellow robe to \r\nthe Halloween party?\r\nHe was going as a banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (287, 'Halloween jokes', 'Why are teachers happy at Halloween \r\n\r\nparties? \r\nBecause there''s lots of school spirit!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (288, 'Halloween jokes', 'What happened to the girl who \r\nwore a \r\nmouse costume to her Halloween party? \r\nThe cat ate her.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (289, 'Halloween jokes', 'What did the really ugly man do for a living? \r\n\r\nHe posed for Halloween masks.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (290, 'Hair and bald jokes', 'A man enters a barber shop for a shave. \r\n\r\nWhile the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has \r\n\r\ngetting a close shave around the cheeks. \r\n\r\n"I have just the \r\nthing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball \r\nfrom a nearby \r\ndrawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." \r\n\r\nThe client \r\nplaces the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with \r\nthe \r\nclosest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the \r\n\r\nclient asks in garbled speech. \r\n\r\n"And what if I swallow it?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like \r\n\r\neveryone else does."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (291, 'Hair and bald jokes', 'A man and a little boy entered a \r\nbarbershop \r\ntogether. After the man received the full treatment - shave, \r\nshampoo, \r\nmanicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the \r\nchair.\r\n\r\n"I''m goin'' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. \r\n\r\n"I''ll be back in a few minutes."\r\n\r\nWhen the boy''s haircut was \r\ncompleted and the man still hadn''t \r\nreturned, the barber said, \r\n"Looks like your daddy''s forgotten all about \r\nyou." "That wasn''t my \r\ndaddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took \r\nme by the hand and \r\nsaid, ''Come on, son, we''re gonna get a free \r\nhaircut!''"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (292, 'Hair and bald jokes', 'A man was getting a haircut prior to a \r\ntrip to Rome. He \r\nmentioned the trip to the barber who responded, \r\n"Rome? Why would anyone want \r\nto go there?\r\n\r\nIt''s crowded & dirty \r\nand full of Italians. You''re crazy to go to \r\nRome.\r\n\r\nSo, how \r\nare you getting there?"\r\n\r\n"We''re taking TWA," was the reply. "We \r\ngot a great rate!"\r\n\r\n"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That''s a \r\nterrible airline. Their \r\nplanes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, \r\nand they''re always late.\r\n\r\nSo, where are you staying in \r\nRome?"\r\n\r\n"We''ll be at the downtown International Marriott."\r\n\r\n"That \r\ndump! That''s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, \r\nthe \r\nservice is surly and they''re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when \r\n\r\nyou get there?"\r\n\r\n"We''re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope \r\nto see the Pope."\r\n\r\n"That''s rich," laughed the barber. "You and a \r\nmillion other people \r\ntrying to see him. He''ll look the size\r\n  of an ant. Boy, good luck on \r\nthis lousy trip of yours. You''re \r\ngoing to need it."\r\n\r\nA month later, the man again came in for his \r\nregular haircut. The \r\nbarber asked him about his trip to \r\nRome.\r\n\r\n"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in \r\n\r\none of TWA''s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped \r\n\r\nus up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a \r\n\r\nbeautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and \r\nfoot.\r\n\r\nAnd the hotel-it was great! They''d just finished a $25 million \r\n\r\nremodeling job and now it''s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, \r\nwere \r\noverbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential \r\nsuite at no \r\nextra charge!"\r\n\r\n"Well," muttered the barber, "I \r\nknow you didn''t get to see the \r\npope."\r\n\r\n"Actually, we were quite \r\nlucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss \r\nGuard tapped me on the \r\nshoulder and explained that the pope likes to \r\npersonally me\r\n et some of the visitors, and if I''d be so kind as to step \r\ninto \r\nhis private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure \r\n\r\nenough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook \r\n\r\nmy hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."\r\n\r\n"Really?" \r\nasked the Barber. "What''d he say?"\r\n\r\nHe said, "Where''d you get \r\nthe lousy haircut?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (293, 'Hair and bald jokes', 'A little girl climbed \r\ninto her \r\ngrandfather''s lap and studied his white, balding head. She \r\nran her \r\nfingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and \r\nneck. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Did god make you?", she asked. \r\n\r\n"yes" he answered. \r\n\r\n\r\n"did god makeme, to?" she wondered. \r\n\r\n"yes", he replied. \r\n\r\n\r\n"well, she shrugged, "don''t you think he''s doing a better job now \r\n\r\nthan he used to?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (294, 'Hair \r\nand bald jokes', 'two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one \r\n\r\nstarts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a \r\n\r\ntransplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate \r\nsays to \r\ngo and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy \r\nsays how \r\nwill that help? His mate says well from a distance they \r\nwill look like \r\nhares.(hairs)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (295, 'History jokes', 'Woman: Why are you begging for a \r\nquarter?\r\nBeggar: I didn''t think someone like you would give me a \r\ndollar.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (296, 'History jokes', '"What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, \r\nand Christopher Columbus all \r\nhave in common? They were all born on \r\nholidays."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (297, 'History jokes', 'What did General \r\nPatton do on Thanksgiving? \r\n\r\nHe gave tanks.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (298, 'History jokes', '"You know an ancestor of mine came over on the \r\n\r\nMayflower." "Really? Which rat was he?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (299, 'History jokes', 'Teacher: "What did the Indians \r\nbring to the \r\nfirst Thanksgiving?" \r\nStudent: "Baseballs." \r\nTeacher: \r\n"Baseballs?" \r\nStudent: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (300, 'Heaven and hell jokes', 'A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets \r\n\r\nto meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few \r\nquestions.\r\n\r\n"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". \r\n\r\n"OK," the man says. "Why \r\ndid you make women so pretty?"\r\n\r\nGOD says, "So you would like them." \r\n\r\n\r\n"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. \r\n\r\nThe man ponders \r\na moment and then asks, "But why did you make them \r\nsuch airheads?" \r\n\r\n\r\nGOD says, "So they would love you!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (301, 'Heaven and hell jokes', 'A new York Divorce Lawyer died \r\nand \r\narrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you \r\n\r\ndone to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then \r\n\r\nsaid, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the \r\n\r\nstreet." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and \r\n\r\nafter a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. \r\n\r\nSaint \r\nPeter said, "Well , that''s fine, but it''s not really quite \r\nenough \r\nto get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There''s \r\n\r\nmore! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint \r\n\r\nPeter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, \r\n\r\ntoo, had been verified. \r\n\r\nSaint Peter then whispered to \r\nGabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we \r\ndo with this fellow?" \r\n\r\n\r\nGabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, \r\n\r\n\r\n"Let''s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."\r\n  \r\n\r\nEach man gives a story\r\nThree men were standing in line to \r\nget into heaven one day. Apparently \r\nit had been a pretty busy day, \r\nthough, so Peter had to tell the first \r\none, "Heaven''s getting \r\npretty close to full today, and I''ve been \r\nasked to admit only people \r\nwho have had particularly horrible deaths. So \r\nwhat''s your story?" \r\n\r\n\r\nSo the first man replies: "Well, for a while I''ve suspected my \r\nwife \r\nhas been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to \r\ncatch her \r\nred-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I \r\ncould tell \r\nsomething was wrong, but all my searching around didn''t \r\nreveal where this \r\nother guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went \r\nout to the balcony, and \r\nsure enough, there was this man hanging off \r\nthe railing, 25 floors \r\nabove ground! By now I was really mad, so I \r\nstarted beating on him and \r\nkicking him, but wouldn''t you know it, \r\nhe wouldn''t fall off. So finally I \r\nwent back into my apartment\r\n  and got a hammer and starting hammering on \r\nhis fingers. Of \r\ncourse, he couldn''t stand that for long, so he let go \r\nand fell -- but \r\neven after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned \r\nbut okay. I \r\ncouldn''t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, \r\ngrabbed the \r\nfridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, \r\nkilling \r\nhim instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a \r\n\r\nheart attack and died there on the balcony." \r\n\r\n"That sounds like a \r\npretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the \r\nman in. \r\n\r\nThe \r\nsecond man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being \r\n\r\nfull, and again asks for his story. \r\n\r\n"It''s been a very strange \r\nday. You see, I live on the 26th floor of \r\nmy apartment building, and \r\nevery morning I do my exercises out on my \r\nbalcony. Well, this \r\nmorning I must have slipped or something, because I \r\nfell over the edge. \r\nBut I got lucky, and caught the railing of the \r\nbalcony on the f\r\n loor below me. I knew I couldn''t hang on for very long, when \r\n\r\nsuddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was \r\n\r\nsaved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best \r\n\r\nI could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and \r\n\r\nstarted pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got \r\nlucky \r\nand fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just \r\nwhen I was \r\nthinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes \r\nfalling out of \r\nthe sky and crushes me instantly, and now I''m \r\nhere." \r\n\r\nOnce again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a \r\npretty \r\nhorrible death. \r\n\r\nThe third man came to the front of the \r\nline, and again Peter explained \r\nthat heaven was full and asked for \r\nhis story. \r\n\r\n"Picture this," says the third man, "I''m hiding \r\ninside a \r\nrefrigerator..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (302, 'Heaven and hell jokes', 'Three men were standing in line to get \r\ninto heaven one day. \r\nApparently it had been a pretty busy day, \r\nthough, so Peter had to tell \r\nthe first one, "Heaven''s getting pretty \r\nclose to full today, and I''ve \r\nbeen asked to admit only people who \r\nhave had particularly horrible \r\ndeaths. So what''s your story?" \r\n\r\n\r\nSo the first man replies: "Well, for a while I''ve suspected my wife \r\n\r\nhas been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch \r\nher \r\nred-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could \r\ntell \r\nsomething was wrong, but all my searching around didn''t reveal \r\nwhere this \r\nother guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to \r\nthe balcony, and \r\nsure enough, there was this man hanging off the \r\nrailing, 25 floors \r\nabove ground! By now I was really mad, so I \r\nstarted beating on him and \r\nkicking him, but wouldn''t you know it, he \r\nwouldn''t fall off. So finally I \r\nwent back into my apartment and\r\n  got a hammer and starting hammering on \r\nhis fingers. Of course, he \r\ncouldn''t stand that for long, so he let go \r\nand fell -- but even \r\nafter 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned \r\nbut okay. I \r\ncouldn''t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, \r\ngrabbed the fridge \r\nand threw it over the edge where it landed on him, \r\nkilling him \r\ninstantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a \r\nheart \r\nattack and died there on the balcony." \r\n\r\n"That sounds like a pretty \r\nbad day to me," said Peter, and let the \r\nman in. \r\n\r\nThe second \r\nman comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being \r\nfull, and \r\nagain asks for his story. \r\n\r\n"It''s been a very strange day. You \r\nsee, I live on the 26th floor of \r\nmy apartment building, and every \r\nmorning I do my exercises out on my \r\nbalcony. Well, this morning I \r\nmust have slipped or something, because I \r\nfell over the edge. But I \r\ngot lucky, and caught the railing of the \r\nbalcony on the floor\r\n  below me. I knew I couldn''t hang on for very long, when \r\nsuddenly \r\nthis man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was \r\n\r\nsaved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best \r\n\r\nI could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and \r\n\r\nstarted pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got \r\nlucky \r\nand fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when \r\nI was \r\nthinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes \r\nfalling out of \r\nthe sky and crushes me instantly, and now I''m here." \r\n\r\n\r\nOnce again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty \r\n\r\nhorrible death. \r\n\r\nThe third man came to the front of the \r\nline, and again Peter explained \r\nthat heaven was full and asked for his \r\nstory. \r\n\r\n"Picture this," says the third man, "I''m hiding inside \r\na \r\nrefrigerator..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (303, 'Heaven and hell jokes', 'A forester and a lawyer were in car \r\naccident and showed up at \r\nthe pearly gates together.\r\n\r\nSt. Peter \r\ngreets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the \r\nhomeswhere \r\nthey will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter''s holy \r\n\r\nvehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, \r\n\r\nwhich turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge \r\n\r\nmansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your \r\nhome \r\nfor the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you \r\nneed, just \r\nlet me know. \r\n\r\nThen St. Peter took the forester to \r\nhis home, back down the diamond \r\nstudded boulevard, down the \r\nplatinum highway, down the street of gold, \r\ndown an avenue of silver, along \r\na stone alley and down an unpaved footpath \r\nto a shack. St Peter \r\nsays "Here you go" and goes to leave when the \r\nforester says \r\n"Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion \r\nand I get this s\r\n hack?"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen \r\nhere, we have \r\nnever had a lawyer before."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (304, 'Heaven and hell jokes', 'Three men died in a car accident and \r\nmet \r\nJesus himself at the Pearly Gates. \r\n\r\nThe Lord spoke unto \r\nthem saying, "I will ask you each a simple \r\nquestion. If you tell the \r\ntruth I will allow you into heaven, but if you \r\nlie....Hell is \r\nwaiting for you. \r\n\r\nTo the first man the Lord asked, "How many times \r\ndid you cheat on your \r\nwife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a \r\ngood husband. I never \r\ncheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very \r\ngood! Not only will I \r\nallow you in, but for being faithful to your \r\nwife I will give you a huge \r\nmansion and a limo for your \r\ntransportation. \r\n\r\nTo the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you \r\ncheat on \r\nyour wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my \r\nwife twice." \r\nThe Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for \r\nyour \r\nunfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. \r\n\r\n\r\nTo the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y\r\n ou cheat on \r\nyour wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on \r\nmy wife about \r\n8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come \r\nin, but for \r\nyour unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, \r\nand a Yugo for \r\nyour transportation. \r\n\r\nA couple hours later \r\nthe second and third men saw the first man crying \r\nhis eyes out. "Why \r\nare you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the \r\nmansion and limo!" \r\nThe first man replied, "I''m crying because I saw \r\nmy wife a little \r\nwhile ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (305, 'Horse jokes', '"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the \r\n\r\nowner asked the vet.\r\nThe vet replied, "You certainly will, and \r\nyou''ll probably beat her \r\ntoo!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (306, 'Horse jokes', 'A stallion and a mare where due to get married, \r\nbut the stallion \r\ndidn''t show up at the church.\r\nHe got colt \r\nfeet');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (307, 'Horse jokes', 'As horses say to one another.\r\nAny friend of \r\nyours is a palomino!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (308, 'Horse jokes', 'Did you find my horse well \r\n\r\nbehaved?\r\nIndeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (309, 'Horse jokes', 'Did you \r\nhear about Mike Tyson''s horse?\r\nIt \r\ngot angry and bit at the champ!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (310, 'Humor jokes', 'How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You \r\n\r\npokemon');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (311, 'Humor jokes', 'Well, a man was driving down a country road, and \r\nhe decided to get out \r\nand get some fresh air. \r\n\r\nHe got out, \r\nand started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon \r\na hole. \r\nWanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No \r\nsound. \r\nSo he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. \r\n\r\nThe man started \r\nto get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No \r\nsound. As he \r\nsearched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over \r\nto the \r\nhole, and shoved it in. No sound. \r\n\r\nHe sat down on the ground, \r\nexhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running \r\nat him, full speed. He \r\nleaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in \r\nthe hole. He listened, \r\nbut there was no sound. \r\n\r\nHe sat down again. A few minutes later, \r\na farmer came walking up. The \r\nman asked him, "How deep is this \r\nhole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats \r\nthe bottomless pit. It never ends. \r\nSay, have you seen my prize goat?" \r\n\r\nThe man, not wanting to g\r\n et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, \r\n"Oh well. He can''t get \r\nfar. He was tied to a railroad beam."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (312, 'Humor jokes', 'There \r\nwas a guy walking down the street in \r\nSan Francisco, and he tripped over \r\nan old looking oil lamp. \r\n\r\n\r\nHe picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was \r\n\r\npriceless. \r\n\r\nWhile he was running to the antique shop to cash \r\nthis puppy in, it \r\nrubbed against his shirt. \r\n\r\nPOOF! A genie \r\npopped out of his pocket!\r\n\r\nThe very angry looking Genie said, "All \r\nright, I have had enough with \r\nthis three wish stuff, and ''cuz you \r\nstole me away from my HBO Special, \r\nI will only give you one wish!" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge \r\ncondo \r\non the beach with three million dollars in the master \r\nbedroom, but I am \r\nafraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a \r\nbridge from here to \r\nHawaii." \r\n\r\nThe genie replied with a smirk, \r\n"Are you crazy? Do you know how long \r\nthat will take, with the pillars \r\ngoing down to the bottom of the ocean, \r\nall the cement it wou\r\n ld take for the highway? No I''m sorry, it just \r\ncan''t happen." \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women." \r\n\r\n\r\nThe genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (313, 'Humor jokes', 'Sherlock Holmes \r\nand Matthew Watson were on a \r\ncamping and hiking trip. They had gone to \r\nbed and were lying there \r\nlooking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, \r\nlook up. What do you \r\nsee? \r\n\r\n"Well, I see thousands of stars." \r\n\r\n"And what does \r\nthat mean to you?" \r\n\r\n"Well, I guess it means we will have another \r\nnice day tomorrow. What \r\ndoes it mean to you, Holmes?" \r\n\r\n"To \r\nme, it means someone has stolen our tent."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (314, 'Humor jokes', 'Big Louie the \r\nTorpedo was becoming \r\nincreasingly curious about one of the newer members of \r\nhis mob, Benny the \r\nRod. Benny had been in the business for many years in \r\nanother part of \r\nthe country. During that time he had garnered quite a \r\nreputation \r\nfor being the most conscientious and honorable hit man \r\navailable. He \r\nwas also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for \r\nthe \r\nlast ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - \r\n\r\nclutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the \r\n\r\nRod). \r\n\r\nWhen Benny arrived at Louie''s office, the question was \r\nput to him.\r\n\r\n"So what''s the story with you and this here gun of \r\nyours, eh? Like, \r\nare you scared or somethin'' or you just want to \r\nalways be ready or \r\nwhat?"\r\n\r\n"Not scared ..." Benny growled, \r\n"been doin'' it dis way ever since \r\nme sister-in-law''s weddin'' ''bout \r\nten ten years ago now".\r\n\r\n"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"\r\n\r\n"Wel\r\n l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He \r\n\r\nnever even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept \r\n\r\nme mouth shut about it", Benny explained.\r\n\r\nLouie leaned in, \r\nexpecting the point of the matter.\r\n\r\n"And since dat time I gotta do \r\nit dis way".\r\n\r\n"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?\r\n\r\n"Well, \r\nI was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn''t about to \r\nsay \r\nnuttin'' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said \r\n...\r\n\r\n"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (315, 'Hunting jokes', 'An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new \r\n\r\nbird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually \r\nwalk \r\non water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure \r\nnone of \r\nhis friends would ever believe him.\r\n\r\nHe decided to \r\ntry to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal \r\npessimist who \r\nrefused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would \r\nimpress \r\nhim. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.\r\n\r\nAs they \r\nwaited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and \r\na duck \r\nfell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, \r\n\r\nhowever, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the \r\n\r\nbird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day \r\nlong; \r\neach time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the \r\nwater \r\nto retrieve it. \r\n\r\nThe pessimist watched carefully, saw \r\neverything, but did not say a \r\nsingle word.\r\n\r\nOn the drive \r\n home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice \r\nanything unusual \r\nabout my new dog?"\r\n\r\n"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He \r\ncan''t swim."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (316, 'Hunting jokes', 'Two guys \r\nare out hunting deer. The first \r\nguy says, "Did you see that?"\r\n\r\n"No," the second guy \r\nsays.\r\n\r\n"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.\r\n\r\n"Oh," \r\nsays the second guy.\r\n\r\nA couple of minutes later, The first guy \r\nsays, "Did you see that?"\r\n\r\n"See what?" the second guy \r\nasks.\r\n\r\n"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over \r\n\r\nthere."\r\n\r\n"Oh."\r\n\r\nA few minutes later the first guy says: \r\n"Did you see that?"\r\n\r\nBy now, the second guy is getting \r\naggravated, so he says, "Yes, I \r\ndid!"\r\n\r\nAnd the first guy says: "Then \r\nwhy did you step in it?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (317, 'Hunting jokes', 'Two hunters \r\ngot a pilot to fly them into \r\nthe far north for elk hunting. They were \r\nquite successful in their \r\nventure and bagged six big bucks. The pilot \r\ncame back, as arranged, \r\nto pick them up. They started loading their gear \r\ninto the plane, \r\nincluding the six elk. But the pilot objected and he \r\nsaid, "The plane \r\ncan only take four of your elk; you will have to leave \r\ntwo behind." \r\nThey argued with him; the year before they had shot six \r\nand the \r\npilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same \r\nmodel \r\nand capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to \r\nput \r\nall six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the \r\n\r\nvalley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the \r\n\r\nwilderness. \r\n\r\nClimbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to \r\nthe other, "Do you \r\nknow where we are?" \r\n\r\n"I think so," replied \r\nthe other hunter. I think this is about the \r\nsame place where \r\n we landed last year!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (318, 'Hunting jokes', 'A hunter visited another hunter \r\nand was \r\ngiven a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The \r\nvisiting \r\nhunter asked, "when did you bag him?" \r\n\r\nThe host said, "that was \r\nthree years ago, when I went hunting with my \r\nwife." \r\n\r\n\r\n"What''s he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. \r\n\r\n"My wife."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (319, 'Hunting jokes', 'Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in \r\nthe \r\ncabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a \r\nhuge bear, \r\nshot at it but only wounded it.\r\n\r\nThe enraged bear \r\ncharged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started \r\nrunning for the \r\ncabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the \r\nbear was just \r\na little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as \r\nhe \r\nreached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.\r\n\r\nToo close \r\nbehind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling \r\ninto the \r\ncabin.\r\n\r\nThe man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his \r\nfriend \r\ninside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (320, 'Idiot and fool jokes', 'Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on \r\n\r\nthe roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked \r\ndown \r\ntheir ladder. \r\n"I have an idea," said Mike. "We''ll throw \r\nyou down, and then you \r\ncan pick up the ladder." \r\n\r\n"What, do \r\nyou think I''m stupid? I have an idea. I''ll shine my \r\nflashlight, and \r\nyou can climb down on the beam of light." \r\n\r\n"What, do you think \r\nI''m stupid? You''ll just turn off the flashlight \r\nwhen I''m halfway \r\nthere."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (321, 'Idiot and fool jokes', 'Two men were digging a ditch on a very \r\nhot \r\nday. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole \r\ndigging a \r\nditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a \r\ntree?" "I \r\ndon''t know," responded the other. "I''ll ask him."\r\n\r\nSo \r\nhe climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we \r\n\r\ndigging in the hot sun and you''re standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," \r\n\r\nthe boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence''?"\r\n\r\nThe boss \r\nsaid, "Well, I''ll show you. I''ll put my hand on this tree \r\nand I \r\nwant you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch \r\n\r\ndigger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss'' hand. The boss \r\n\r\nremoved his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, \r\n\r\n"That''s intelligence!"\r\n\r\nThe ditch digger went back to his hole. \r\nHis friend asked, "What did he \r\nsay?" "He said we are down here \r\nbecause of intelligence." "What''s \r\nintelligence?" said the friend. T\r\n he ditch digger put his hand on his \r\nface and said, "Take your \r\nshovel and hit my hand."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (322, 'Idiot and fool jokes', 'I saw a pen in a \r\nstore the other \r\nday. I picked it up and took a look at it\r\ncause it was prettier than \r\nmost.\r\nThe clerk said, "It''s made in Germany".\r\nI said, "That''s too \r\nbad, I can''t use it then".\r\nThe clerk said, "What''s the matter? You \r\ndon''t like German pens?"\r\nI said, "No. I just never learned to write \r\nGerman."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (323, 'Idiot and fool jokes', 'Did you hear \r\nabout the hillbilly who \r\nwent into the hardware store to\r\nbuy a chain saw ?\r\nHe said I want \r\none that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.\r\nHe was back at the \r\nhardware store with the saw a couple days later\r\ncomplaining that it \r\nonly\r\ncut one tree and that took all day.\r\nThe clerk at the hardware \r\nstore started the saw to see what the\r\nproblem was.\r\nThe hillbilly \r\njumped back and said what the hell is that \r\nnoise?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (324, 'Idiot and fool jokes', 'She''s so stupid she thinks a shoplifter \r\nis a very strong person who goes \r\nround picking up shops.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (325, 'Insect jokes', 'What goes hum-choo, hum choo?\r\nA bee with a \r\ncold !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (326, 'Insect jokes', 'What is a bee''s favourite classical music \r\n\r\ncomposer ?\r\nBee-thoven !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (327, 'Insect jokes', 'What does a queen bee do when she burps \r\n?\r\nIssues a royal pardon !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (328, 'Insect jokes', 'Where would you put an injured insect ?\r\nIn an \r\nantbulance !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (329, 'Insect jokes', 'What do bees do if they want to use public \r\n\r\ntransport ?\r\nWait at a buzz stop !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (330, 'Internet jokes', 'What kind of doctor fixes broken \r\nwebsites?\r\n\r\nA URLologist.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (331, 'Internet jokes', 'Q: How many internet mail list subscribers \r\ndoes it take \r\nto change a light bulb?\r\nA: Exactly five \r\nhundred.\r\n\r\n1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the \r\nlight \r\nbulb has been changed.\r\n\r\n7 to share similar experiences of \r\nchanging light bulbs and how the \r\nlight bulb could have been changed \r\ndifferently or to caution about the \r\ndangers of changing light \r\nbulbs.\r\n\r\n17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about \r\nchanging light \r\nbulbs.\r\n\r\n21 to flame the spell checkers.\r\n\r\n49 to \r\nwrite to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb \r\n\r\ndiscussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.\r\n\r\n20 to \r\ncorrect spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.\r\n\r\n32 to post that \r\nthis list is not about light bulbs and to please take \r\nthis email \r\nexchange to alt.lite.bulb.\r\n\r\n69 to demand that cross posting to \r\nalt.grammar, alt.spelling and \r\nalt.punctuation about changing light bul\r\n bs be stopped.\r\n\r\n41 to defend the posting to this list saying \r\nthat we all use light \r\nbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to \r\nthis mail list.\r\n\r\n106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs \r\nis superior, where \r\nto buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light \r\nbulbs work best for \r\nthis technique, and what brands are \r\nfaulty.\r\n\r\n12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light \r\nbulbs.\r\n\r\n8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post \r\ncorrected \r\nURLs.\r\n\r\n2 to post about links they found from the \r\nURLs that are relevant to \r\nthis list which makes light bulbs relevant \r\nto this list.\r\n\r\n15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote \r\nthem including all \r\nheaders and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me \r\nToo."\r\n\r\n6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because \r\nthey cannot \r\nhandle the light bulb controversy.\r\n\r\n9 to quote the \r\n"Me Too''s" and happily add, "Me Three!"\r\n\r\n3 to suggest that\r\n  posters request the light bulb FAQ.\r\n\r\n1 to propose new \r\nalt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.\r\n\r\n24 to say this is just what \r\nalt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave \r\nit here.\r\n\r\n53 votes for \r\nalt.lite.bulb.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (332, 'Internet jokes', 'What''s O. J. Simpson''s Internet \r\naddress? \r\n\r\n\r\nSlash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (333, 'Internet jokes', 'Can you show me how to \r\nuse the \r\nInternet?\r\nI''d better - otherwise you''ll just go round and round in \r\n\r\ncircles.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (334, 'Internet jokes', 'Do you want some help using the Internet, \r\nson?\r\nNo thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (335, 'Journalist jokes', 'A car was involved in an accident in a \r\n\r\nstreet. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, \r\nanxious to \r\nget his story could not get near the car.\r\n\r\nBeing a \r\nclever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let \r\nme \r\nthrough! I am the son of the victim."\r\n\r\nThe crowd made way for \r\nhim.\r\n\r\nLying in front of the car was a donkey.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (336, 'Journalist jokes', 'A photographer for a national \r\nmagazine \r\nwas assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at \r\nthe \r\nscene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called \r\nhis \r\nhome office to hire a plane.\r\n"It will be waiting for you at the \r\nairport!" he was assured by his \r\neditor. As soon as he got to the small, \r\nrural airport, sure enough, a \r\nplane was warming up near the runway. \r\nHe jumped in with his equipment and \r\nyelled, "Let''s go! Let''s go!" \r\nThe pilot swung the plane into the \r\nwind and soon they were in the \r\nair.\r\n\r\n"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the \r\nphotographer, "and \r\nmake three or four low level passes."\r\n"Why?" asked the \r\npilot.\r\n"Because I''m going to take pictures! I''m a photographer, and \r\n\r\nphotographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great \r\nexasperation.\r\nAfter a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you''re not \r\nthe \r\ninstructor?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (337, 'Journalist jokes', 'Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a \r\njournalist are \r\ncovering a political convention in Miami. They \r\ndecide to walk up and down \r\nthe beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up \r\nthe beach, they stumbled \r\nupon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie \r\nappears and says "Normally I \r\nwould grant you three wishes, but \r\nsince there are three of you, I will \r\ngrant you each one \r\nwish."\r\n\r\nThe photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my \r\n\r\nlife living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The \r\n\r\ngenie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. \r\nThomas.\r\n\r\nThe journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life \r\n\r\nliving on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money \r\n\r\nworries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the \r\n\r\nMediterranean.\r\n\r\nLast, but not least, it was the editor''s turn. "And \r\nwhat would your \r\nwish be?" asked the genie.\r\n\r\n"I want the\r\n m both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the \r\ndeadline for \r\ntomorrow''s newspaper is in about ten hours.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (338, 'Journalist jokes', 'A cub reporter for \r\na small town \r\nnewspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He \r\nsubmitted the following \r\nreport to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a \r\ncar accident \r\ntoday. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations \r\non her \r\nbreasts."\r\n\r\nThe Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family \r\npaper. We \r\ndon''t use words like breasts around here. Now go back and \r\nwrite something \r\nmore appropiate!"\r\n\r\nThe young reporter thought \r\nlong and hard. Finally he handed the Editor \r\nthe following report. \r\n"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. \r\nShe is recovering \r\nin County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) \r\n"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (339, 'Journalist jokes', 'When a visitor to a small town in Georgia \r\ncame upon a wild dog \r\nattacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the \r\nanimal and throttled it with \r\nhis two hands.\r\n\r\nA reporter saw the \r\nincident, congratulated the man and told him the \r\nheadline the \r\nfollowing day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by \r\nKilling \r\nVicious Animal."\r\n\r\nThe hero told the journalist that he wasn''t from \r\nthat town.\r\n\r\n"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will \r\nprobably say, \r\n''Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing \r\nDog''."\r\n\r\n"Actually," the man said, "I''m from Connecticut."\r\n\r\n"In that case," \r\nthe reporter said in a huff, "the headline should \r\nread, ''Yankee \r\nKills Family Pet''."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (340, 'Judge jokes', 'The cross eyed judge looked at the three \r\n\r\ndefendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you \r\nplead?"\r\n"Not guilty" said the second defendant.\r\n"I wasn''t talking to you" \r\nthe judge replied.\r\n"I never said a word" the third defendant \r\nreplied.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (341, 'Judge jokes', 'The defendant \r\nstood up in the dock and said \r\nto the judge, "I dont recognize this \r\ncourt!"\r\n"Why?" asked the \r\nJudge.\r\n"Because you''ve had it decorated since the last time I was \r\n\r\nhere."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (342, 'Judge jokes', 'Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced \r\nthe opposing lawyers. \r\n"So," he said, "I have been presented, by \r\nboth of you, with a \r\nbribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, \r\nattorney Leon, gave me \r\n$15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me \r\n$10,000."\r\n\r\nThe judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a \r\ncheck. He handed it \r\nto Leon ... "Now then, I''m returning $5,000, and \r\nwe''re going to \r\ndecide this case solely on its merits."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (343, 'Judge jokes', 'A red-faced judge convened court \r\nafter a long \r\nlunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk \r\ndriving who \r\nclaimed it simply wasn''t true.\r\n\r\n"I''m as sober as you are, your \r\nhonor," the man claimed. \r\n\r\nThe judge replied, "Clerk, please \r\nenter a guilty plea. The defendant \r\nis sentenced to 30 days."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (344, 'Judge jokes', 'The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you \r\n\r\nunderstand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"\r\n"I do."\r\n"Do you \r\nunderstand what will happen if you are not truthful?"\r\n"Sure," said \r\nthe witness. "My side will win."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (345, 'King Kong jokes', 'After being away on business, Tim thought it \r\n\r\nwould be nice to bring his wife a little gift.\r\n\r\n"How about \r\nsome perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.\r\n\r\nShe showed him a \r\nbottle costing $50.00.\r\n\r\n"That''s a bit much," said Tim, so she \r\nreturned with a smaller bottle \r\nfor $30.00.\r\n\r\n"That''s still quite a \r\nbit," Tim complained.\r\n\r\nGrowing annoyed, the clerk brought out a \r\ntiny $15.00 bottle.\r\n\r\n"What I mean," said Tim, "is I''d like to see \r\nsomething really \r\ncheap."\r\n\r\nThe clerk handed him a mirror.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (346, 'King Kong jokes', 'Why did King Kong join the army?\r\nTo learn \r\nabout gorilla warfare.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (347, 'King Kong jokes', 'What do you do if King Kong sits in \r\nfront \r\nof you at the cinema? \r\nMiss most of the film!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (348, 'King Kong jokes', 'What happened when King Kong swallowed Big \r\n\r\nBen?\r\nHe found time-consuming.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (349, 'King Kong jokes', 'What do you get if you cross King Kong with \r\n\r\na giant frog?\r\nA monster that climbs up the Empire State Building \r\nand catches \r\naeroplanes with its tongue.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (350, 'Knock Knock jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nAardvark \r\n!\r\nAardvark who ?\r\nAardvark a million miles for one of your smiles \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (351, 'Knock Knock jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nAaron \r\n!\r\nAaron who !\r\nAaron the barber''s floor !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (352, 'Knock Knock jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nAbba \r\n!\r\nAbba who ?\r\nAbba''out turn !\r\nQuick march!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (353, 'Knock Knock jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nAbbey \r\n!\r\nAbbey who ?\r\nAbbey stung me on the nose !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (354, 'Knock Knock jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nAbe \r\n!\r\nAbe who ?\r\nAbe C D E F G H... !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (355, 'Lawyer jokes', 'A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. \r\n\r\n"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.\r\n"The side that pays \r\nyour fee," replied the doctor.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (356, 'Lawyer jokes', 'A defendant was \r\non trial for murder. There \r\nwas very strong evidence indicating guilt, \r\nbut no corpse had been \r\nfound. In the defense''s closing statement the \r\nlawyer, knowing that \r\nhis client would probably be convicted, decided to \r\ntry a trick. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," \r\n\r\nthe lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the \r\n\r\nperson presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" \r\n\r\n\r\nHe looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat \r\nstunned, all \r\nlooked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. \r\n\r\n\r\nFinally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. \r\n\r\nBut you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you \r\nthat \r\nthere is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone \r\nwas killed \r\nand insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." \r\n\r\n\r\nWith that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few \r\n \r\nminutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. \r\n\r\n\r\n"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw \r\n\r\nall of you stare at the door." \r\n\r\n"Oh, yes," the jury foreman \r\nreplied. "We all looked - but your \r\nclient didn''t!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (357, 'Lawyer jokes', 'A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad \r\nin a \r\nlawsuit filed \r\nby an old rancher. The rancher''s prize bull \r\nwas missing from \r\nthe section through which the railroad passed. The \r\nrancher only \r\nwanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the \r\npeace \r\nin the back room of the general store. The city-slicker \r\nattorney \r\nfor the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and \r\ntried to get \r\nhim to settle out of court. \r\n\r\nHe did his best selling job, and \r\nfinally the rancher agreed to \r\ntake half of what he was asking. \r\n\r\n\r\nAfter the rancher had signed the release and took the check, \r\nthe \r\nyoung lawyer couldn''t resist gloating a little over his \r\nsuccess, \r\ntelling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old \r\nman, but I \r\nput one over on you in there. I couldn''t have won the \r\ncase. The \r\nengineer was asleep and the fireman was in the \r\ncaboose when the t\r\n rain went through your ranch that morning. I \r\ndidn''t have one \r\nwitness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" \r\n\r\nThe old rancher \r\nreplied, "Well, I''ll tell you young feller, I was a \r\nlittle worried about \r\nwinning that case myself, because that \r\ndurned bull came home this \r\nmorning."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (358, 'Lawyer jokes', 'If two lawyers were drowning, \r\nand you could \r\nonly save one of\r\nthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (359, 'Lawyer jokes', 'The bartender asks him \r\n"What''ll you have?". \r\nThe guy answers, \r\n"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the \r\ndrink, and \r\nsays "That''ll be five dollars", to which he replies "What \r\nare \r\nyou talking about? I don''t owe you anything for \r\nthis".\r\n\r\nA lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, \r\nthen \r\nsays to the bartender, "You know, he''s got you there. In \r\nthe original \r\noffer, which consitutes a binding contract upon \r\nacceptance, there \r\nwas no stipulation of remuneration". The \r\nbartender''s not impressed, \r\nbut says to the guy, "Okay, you \r\nbeat me for a drink. But don''t \r\never let me catch you in here \r\nagain".\r\n\r\nThe next day, same guy \r\nwalks into the bar. Bartender says, \r\n"What the hell are you doing in \r\nhere? I can''t believe you''ve \r\ngot the audacity to come back!". \r\n\r\n\r\nThe guy says "What are you talking about? I''ve never been in \r\n\r\nthis place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I''m \r\r\n nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."\r\n\r\nTo \r\nwhich the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (360, 'Letter jokes', 'Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, \r\n\r\nand upon reading it burst into floods of tears. \r\n"What''s the \r\nmatter?" asked her companion. \r\n"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It''s my \r\nfavorite nephew. He''s got three \r\nfeet." \r\n"Three feet?" exclaimed her \r\nfriend. \r\n"Surely that''s not possible?" \r\n"Well," said Auntie, \r\n"his mother''s just written to tell me he''s \r\ngrown another foot !"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (361, 'Letter jokes', 'Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma \r\n\r\nlike I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well, \r\n\r\nGrandma''s very deaf, so I''m writing very loudly.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (362, 'Letter jokes', 'Which two letters are \r\nrotten for your teeth? \r\n\r\nD K');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (363, 'Letter jokes', 'Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick \r\ninsect? \r\nWithout it would be a sick insect.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (364, 'Letter jokes', 'Have you ever seen a duchess? \r\nYes - it''s \r\nthe same as an English "s"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (365, 'Lotto jokes', 'One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular \r\n\r\ndiamond ring. \r\n\r\n"Where did you get that ring?" her husband \r\nasks. \r\n\r\n"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we \r\nwon, so I \r\nbought it with my share of the winnings. \r\n\r\nA week \r\nlater, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. \r\n\r\n"Where did \r\nyou get that coat?" her husband asks. \r\n\r\nShe replies "My boss and \r\nplayed the lotto and we won again, so I \r\nbought it with my share of \r\nthe winnings. \r\n\r\nAnother week later, his wife comes home, driving \r\nin a red Ferrari. \r\n\r\n"Where did you get that car?" her husband \r\nasks. Again she repeats the \r\nsame story about the lotto and her share \r\nof the winnings. \r\n\r\nThat night, his wife asks him to pour her a \r\nnice warm bath while she \r\ngets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, \r\nshe find that there is \r\nbarely enough water in the bath to cover the \r\nplug at the far end. \r\n\r\n"And this?" she asks her husband. "\r\n Well," he replies, "we don''t \r\nwant to get your lotto ticket wet, \r\ndo we?!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (366, 'Lotto jokes', 'A guy named Joe finds \r\nhimself in dire \r\ntrouble. His business\r\nstarted going bust and he found himself in serious \r\nfinancial\r\ntrouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray \r\nfor\r\nhelp.\r\n\r\n"Oh Lord, please help me, I''ve lost my business and if \r\nI\r\ndon''t get some money, I''m going to lose my house as \r\nwell,\r\nplease let me win the lotto".\r\n\r\nLotto night arrived and somebody else \r\nwon the prize.\r\n\r\nJoe again looked up and prayed...\r\n\r\n"Oh Lord, \r\nplease let me win the lotto! I''ve lost my\r\nbusiness, my house and \r\nI''m going to lose my car as well".\r\n\r\nAgain, Lotto night came and \r\nwent and Joe still had no luck.\r\n\r\nOnce again, he prayed... \r\n\r\n\r\n"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I''ve lost my business,\r\nmy house \r\nand my car. My wife and children are starving. I\r\ndon''t often ask \r\nyou for help and I have always been a good\r\nservant to you. Please just \r\nlet me win the lotto this one\r\ntime so I can get my life back \r\n in order ... " \r\n\r\nSuddenly there was a blinding flash of light as \r\nthe heavens\r\nopened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the \r\nLord\r\nhimself: \r\n\r\n"Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A \r\nTicket!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (367, 'Marriage jokes', 'A guy gets home early from work and hears \r\n\r\nstrange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his \r\nwife \r\nnaked on the bed, sweating and panting.\r\n\r\n''What''s up?'' \r\nhe says.\r\n\r\n''I''m having a heart attack,'' cries the \r\nwoman.\r\n\r\nHe rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he''s dialling. \r\nhis \r\nfour-year-old son comes up and says, \r\n`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle \r\nTed''s hiding in your wardrobe and he''s got no \r\nclothes \r\non!''\r\n\r\nThe guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past \r\n\r\nhis screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.\r\n\r\nSure \r\nenough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the \r\nwardrobe \r\nfloor.\r\n\r\n''You jerk,'' yells the husband, ''my wife''s having a \r\nheart attack and \r\nyou''re running around with no clothes on scaring \r\nthe kids!''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (368, 'Marriage jokes', 'A \r\nmarried couple was in a terrible \r\naccident where the woman''s face was \r\nseverely burned. \r\n\r\nThe doctor \r\ntold the husband that they couldn''t graft the skin from her \r\nbody, \r\nso the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. \r\n\r\nHowever, \r\nthe only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would \r\nhave \r\nto come from his rear end. \r\n\r\nThe husband and wife agreed that \r\nthey would tell no one about where the \r\nskin came from, and requested \r\nthat the doctor also honor their secret. \r\nAfter all, this was a very \r\ndelicate matter. \r\n\r\nAfter the surgery was completed, everyone was \r\nastounded at the woman''s \r\nnew beauty. She looked more beautiful \r\nthan she ever had before! All her \r\nfriends and relatives just went on \r\nand on about her youthful beauty! \r\n\r\nOne day, she was alone with \r\nher husband, and she was overcome with \r\nemotion at his sacrifice. \r\n\r\n\r\nShe said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d\r\n id for \r\nme. There is no way I could ever repay you." \r\n\r\n"My \r\ndarling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks \r\nI \r\nneed every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (369, 'Marriage jokes', 'Four \r\nmarried guys go golfing on Sunday. \r\nDuring the 3rd hole the following \r\nconversation ensued: \r\n\r\nFirst \r\nGuy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come \r\nout \r\ngolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint \r\n\r\nevery room in the house next weekend." \r\n\r\nSecond Guy: "That''s \r\nnothing, I had to promise my wife that I will \r\nbuild her a new deck for \r\nthe pool." \r\n\r\nThird Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to \r\npromise my wife that \r\nI will remodel the kitchen for her." \r\n\r\nThey \r\ncontinue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy \r\n\r\nhas not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven''t said anything about \r\n\r\nwhat you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What''s \r\nthe \r\ndeal?" \r\n\r\nFourth Guy: "I don''t want to talk about it. \r\nLet''s just say that the \r\nfoundation for the new house is being poured \r\nnext Tuesday."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (370, 'Marriage jokes', 'It''s \r\nnot true that married men live \r\nlonger than single men. It only seems \r\nlonger.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (371, 'Marriage jokes', 'I married Miss Right. I just didn''t know her \r\nfirst name was \r\nAlways.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (372, 'Men jokes', 'A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is \r\n\r\na gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking \r\nher \r\nout since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. \r\n\r\n\r\nSuddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its \r\nsocket \r\ntowards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of \r\nthe air, \r\nand hands it back. \r\n\r\n"Oh my, I am so sorry," the \r\nwoman says as she pops her eye back in \r\nplace. "Let me buy you dessert \r\nto make it up to you." \r\n\r\nThey enjoy a wonderful dessert together, \r\nand afterwards, the woman \r\ninvites him to the theater followed by \r\ndrinks. After paying for everything, \r\nshe asks him if he would like to \r\ncome to her place and stay for \r\nbreakfast the next morning. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The \r\n\r\nguy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, \r\n\r\n"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy \r\n you meet?" \r\n\r\n"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my \r\neye."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (373, 'Men jokes', 'Men are \r\nlike placemats. \r\n\r\nThey only show \r\nup when there''s food on the table.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (374, 'Men jokes', 'Men are like \r\nmascara. \r\n\r\nThey usually run \r\nat the first sign of emotion.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (375, 'Men jokes', 'Men are like bike \r\nhelmets. \r\n\r\nThey are \r\nhandy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look \r\nsilly.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (376, 'Men jokes', 'Men are like government bonds. \r\n\r\nThey take so \r\nlong to mature.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (377, 'Mental health jokes', 'Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on \r\n\r\ncouch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- \r\n\r\neveryone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the \r\nworld."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (378, 'Mental health jokes', 'A \r\npsychiatrist was conducting a group \r\ntherapy session with four young \r\nmothers and their small children. \r\n"You all have obsessions," he observed.\r\n\r\nTo the first mother he \r\nsaid, "You are obsessed with eating. You even \r\nnamed your daughter \r\nCandy."\r\n\r\nHe turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. \r\nAgain, it \r\nmanifests itself in your child''s name, Penny."\r\n\r\nHe \r\nturned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your \r\nchild''s \r\nname is Brandy."\r\n\r\nAt this point, the fourth mother got up, took \r\nher little boy by the \r\nhand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let''s go \r\nhome."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (379, 'Mental health jokes', 'A young woman \r\ntook her troubles to a \r\npsychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she \r\npleaded. "It''s \r\ngotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in \r\nbed with him. \r\nAnd then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a \r\n\r\nweek."\r\n\r\n"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to \r\n\r\nstrengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."\r\n\r\n"For \r\nGod''s sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so \r\nI won''t \r\nfeel guilty and depressed afterward."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (380, 'Mental health jokes', 'A psychologist is at \r\na party talking \r\nwith a small group of people, when a man comes up \r\nbehind him and \r\ntaps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and \r\nthe man \r\nhauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes \r\nhimself \r\noff, turns to the group and declares: "That''s his \r\nproblem."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (381, 'Mental health jokes', 'What is the difference between a \r\npsychiatrist and a psychologist?\r\nIf you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my \r\nmother," he will ask "Why do \r\nyou say that?" while a psychologist will \r\nsay "Thank you for sharing \r\nthat with us."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (382, 'Military jokes', 'Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect \r\n\r\nLions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. \r\nHe had \r\nscouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he \r\ncouldn''t \r\nfind a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl \r\nwin. \r\n\r\nThen one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene \r\nin Bosnia. \r\nIn one corner of the background, he spotted a young \r\nBosnian soldier \r\nwith a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade \r\nstraight into a \r\n15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He \r\nthrew another hand \r\ngrenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away \r\n-- ka-blooey! Then a \r\ncar passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye! \r\n\r\n\r\n"I''ve got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the \r\n\r\nperfect arm!" \r\n\r\nSo, he brings him to the States and teaches him the \r\ngreat game of \r\nfootball, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl \r\nfor the first time in \r\nhistory. \r\n\r\nThe young Bosnian is lioni\r\n zed as the Great Hero of football, and when \r\nRoss asks him what he \r\nwants, all the young man wants to do is to call \r\nhis mother. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl." \r\n\r\n"I \r\ndon''t want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted \r\nus. \r\nYou are not my son." \r\n\r\n"I don''t think you understand, Mother!" \r\nthe young man pleads. "I \r\njust won the greatest sporting event in the \r\nworld. I''m here among \r\nthousands of my adoring fans." \r\n\r\n"No, \r\nlet me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, \r\nthere \r\nare gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. \r\n\r\nYour two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, \r\n\r\nand this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." \r\n\r\nThe \r\nold lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I''ll never forgive \r\nyou \r\nfor making us move to Detroit."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (383, 'Military jokes', 'General Heath, a famous lover of \r\nparade \r\nmusic and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a \r\nsymphonic \r\norchestra playing.\r\nWhen asked about his impressions, he \r\ncommented:\r\n"No military precision in drill..."\r\n"Why?"\r\n"Did you see those \r\nviolin players? They were moving their bows not in \r\ncadence."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (384, 'Military jokes', 'A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do \r\nyou like \r\ncivilian life?"\r\n"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those \r\npeople around and nobody in \r\ncharge!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (385, 'Military jokes', 'During an army basic training, the lieutenant \r\ntook the \r\nbatch on a match and asked each of them where home was. \r\nAfter everyone had \r\nanswered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, \r\nthe army is now your \r\nhome".\r\nBack at the barracks, he read the \r\nevening duties, then asked the first \r\nsergeant if he had anything to \r\nsay "you bet I do" the sergeant \r\nreplied, "men, while you were gone \r\ntoday, I found beds improperly made, \r\nclothes not hanging correctly, \r\nshoes not shined and footlockers a mess. \r\nWhere do you think you \r\nare? Home?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (386, 'Military jokes', 'There was this General-in-training, \r\nand his superioirs \r\nwere asking him questions "What happened on June 6, \r\n1944?" "We \r\nstormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as \r\nD-Day, sir!" \r\n"What was the turining point of wordl war 2?" "Battle \r\nof the bulge, \r\nsir!" "What''s is the importance of May 12" The Man \r\nthought and \r\nthought "I don''t know, sir!" The superior then said \r\n"Well, I''ll tell \r\nyour wife that you forgot her birhtday"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (387, 'Money jokes', 'A man being mugged by two thugs put up a \r\n\r\ntremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon \r\n\r\nfinding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said \r\n"Why did \r\nyou put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied \r\n"I was \r\nafraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (388, 'Money jokes', 'A little boy \r\nwanted $100 badly and prayed for \r\ntwo weeks but nothing happened. Then he \r\ndecided to write a letter \r\nto the Lord requesting the $100.\r\n\r\nWhen the postal authorities \r\nreceived the letter addressed to the Lord, \r\nUSA, they decided to send it \r\nto President Clinton. The President was so \r\nimpressed, touched, and \r\namused that he instructed his secretary to send \r\nthe little boy a \r\n$5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money \r\nto a little \r\nboy.\r\n\r\nThe little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to \r\nwrite a \r\nthank-you note to the Lord. It said:\r\n\r\n\r\nDear \r\nLord,\r\nThank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that \r\n\r\nfor some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as \r\nusual, \r\nthose jerks deducted $95.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (389, 'Money jokes', 'A couple was having a discussion about what \r\n\r\nto see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. \r\n\r\nTrying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it \r\n\r\nweren''t for my money, we wouldn''t be here at all!" The wife replied, \r\n"My \r\ndear, if it weren''t for your money, not only would we not be in \r\n\r\nFlorida, we wouldn''t on a honeymoon, nor would\r\nthere be any \r\n"we" in the first place."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (390, 'Money jokes', 'What do you get if you \r\ncross a sorceress with \r\na millionaire? \r\nA very witch person.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (391, 'Money jokes', 'Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A \r\n\r\nMillionaire? \r\nSure. Here you are. \r\nThanks - but half the pages \r\nare missing. \r\nWhat''s the matter? Isn''t half a million enough for \r\nyou?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (392, 'Monster jokes', 'What brings the monster''s babies? The \r\n\r\nFrankenstork.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (393, 'Monster jokes', 'Did you hear about the monster who went to a \r\nholiday camp? He \r\nwon the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and \r\nhe wasn''t even \r\nentered.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (394, 'Monster jokes', 'How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? \r\n\r\nBolt upright.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (395, 'Monster jokes', 'What did one of Frankenstein''s ears say to the \r\nother? \r\nI didn''t know we lived on the same block.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (396, 'Monster jokes', 'How did Frankenstein''s \r\nmonster eat his \r\nlunch?\r\nHe bolted it down.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (397, 'Mouse jokes', 'One lab mouse to another:\r\nI''ve trained that \r\ncrazy human at last. \r\nHow have you done that? \r\nI don''t know how, \r\nbut every time I run through that maze and ring the \r\nbell, he gives \r\nme a piece of cheese.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (398, 'Mouse jokes', 'What do mice do when they''re at \r\nhome ? \r\n\r\nMousework !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (399, 'Mouse jokes', 'What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ? \r\n\r\n''Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'' !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (400, 'Mouse jokes', 'What kind of musical instrument do \r\nmice play \r\n? \r\nA mouse organ !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (401, 'Mouse jokes', 'Why do mice have long tails ? \r\nWell, they''d \r\nlook silly with long hair !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (402, 'Movie and TV jokes', 'A movie producer is lying by the pool at \r\n\r\nthe Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of \r\nexcitement. \r\n"How''d the meeting go?" asks the first guy.\r\n\r\n"It went \r\ngreat," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct \r\nfor six \r\nmillion, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the \r\nwhole \r\npicture for under fifty million."\r\n\r\n"Fabulous," says the guy by \r\nthe pool.\r\n\r\n"There''s just one catch," his partner \r\nwarns.\r\n\r\n"What''s the catch?"\r\n\r\n"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (403, 'Movie and TV jokes', 'How many film directors \r\ndoes it take \r\nto change a light bulb?\r\nJust one, but he wants to do it thirty-two \r\ntimes and when he''s done, \r\neveryone says that his last light bulb was \r\nmuch better.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (404, 'Movie and TV jokes', 'Q: How many \r\nactors does it take to \r\nscrew in a light bulb?\r\nA: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I \r\ncould''ve done \r\nthat."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (405, 'Movie and TV jokes', 'Q: How many grips does it take to screw in \r\na light bulb?\r\nA: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (406, 'Movie and TV jokes', 'Q: How many Union \r\nLighting Technicians \r\ndoes it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nA: It''s not a bulb, it''s a \r\nglobe.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (407, 'Music jokes', 'Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a \r\n\r\nmine shaft?\r\nA: A flat minor.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (408, 'Music jokes', 'Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so \r\nthe \r\nsaplings won''t blow away?\r\nA: Root position cords.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (409, 'Music jokes', 'Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a \r\n\r\nperfect unison?\r\nA: Shoot one.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (410, 'Music jokes', 'Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and \r\none \r\nsays to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last \r\nnight?" \r\nA: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my \r\nfife."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (411, 'Music jokes', 'Q: \r\nWhat is the difference between a saxophone \r\nand a chainsaw?\r\nA: It''s all in the grip.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (412, 'Old age jokes', 'Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her \r\n\r\nrocking chair?\r\nA: She wanted to rock and roll');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (413, 'Old age jokes', 'An elderly lady did her shopping and, \r\nupon \r\nreturning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with \r\n\r\nher car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding \r\n\r\nto scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know \r\n\r\nhow to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"\r\n\r\nThe four men \r\ndidn''t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran \r\nlike mad, \r\nwhereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her \r\nshopping \r\nbags into the back of the car and get into the driver''s \r\nseat.\r\n\r\nShe was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She \r\n\r\ntried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later \r\nshe \r\nfound her own car parked four or five spaces farther \r\ndown.\r\n\r\nShe loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police \r\nstation.\r\n\r\nThe sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two \r\nwith \r\nlaughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, \r\n where four pale \r\nwhite males were reporting a car jacking by a mad \r\nelderly woman \r\ndescribed as white, less than 5'' tall, glasses, and \r\ncurly white hair carrying \r\na large handgun.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (414, 'Old age jokes', 'Three old ladies met on the street on a very \r\nstormy \r\nday. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty \r\nin \r\nhearing each other. \r\n\r\n"It''s windy," said one. \r\n\r\n\r\n"No, it''s Thursday," said the next. \r\n\r\n"So am I," said the third. \r\n"Let''s go and have a drink!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (415, 'Old age jokes', 'An old \r\nman visits his doctor and after \r\nthorough examination the doctor tells \r\nhim: "I have good news and bad \r\nnews, what would you like to hear \r\nfirst?"\r\n\r\nPatient: "Well, give \r\nme the bad news first."\r\n\r\nDoctor: "You have cancer, I estimate \r\nthat you have about two years \r\nleft."\r\n\r\nPatient: "OH NO! That''s \r\nawefull! In two years my life will be over! \r\nWhat kind of good news \r\ncould you probably tell me, after this???"\r\n\r\nDoctor: "You also have \r\nAlzheimer''s. In about three months you are \r\ngoing to forget \r\neverything I told you."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (416, 'Old age jokes', 'For the first time in many \r\nyears, a an old \r\nman traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a \r\nmovie. \r\nAfter buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to \r\n\r\npurchase some popcorn.\r\n\r\nHanding the attendant $1.50, he couldn''t help \r\nbut comment, "The last \r\ntime I came to the movies, popcorn was only \r\n15 cents."\r\n\r\n"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, \r\n"You''re really \r\ngoing to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (417, 'Parent jokes', 'Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by \r\n\r\neleven o''clock." \r\n\r\nShe said, "But Father, I''m no longer a \r\nchild!" \r\n\r\nHe said, "I know, that''s why I want you home by \r\neleven."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (418, 'Parent jokes', 'With four \r\ndaughters and one son always \r\ndashing to school activities and part-time \r\njobs, our schedule was \r\nhectic.\r\n\r\nTo add to this, we kept running out of household \r\nsupplies.\r\n\r\nI instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any \r\n\r\nitem by writing it down on a note pad on the \r\nrefrigerator.\r\n\r\nAs a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT \r\n\r\nDOWN."\r\n\r\nWhen I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I \r\nfound the \r\nfollowing message:\r\n\r\n"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT \r\nOLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ''OUT OF \r\nIT."''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (419, 'Parent jokes', 'A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My \r\nwife is pregnant, and \r\nher contractions are only two minutes apart!" \r\n\r\n\r\n"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. \r\n\r\n"No, you \r\nidiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (420, 'Parent jokes', 'A man \r\nand his wife were making their first \r\ndoctor visit, the wife being \r\npregnant with their first \r\nchild.\r\n\r\nAfter everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and \r\nstamped \r\nthe wife''s stomach with indelible ink.\r\n\r\nThe couple was \r\ncurious about what the stamp was for, so when they got \r\nhome, the \r\nhusband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it \r\n\r\nwas.\r\n\r\nIn very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come \r\n\r\nback and see me."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (421, 'Parent jokes', 'The man passed out in a dead faint as he came \r\nout of \r\nhis front door onto the porch. \r\n\r\nSomeone dialed 911. \r\n\r\n\r\nWhen the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness \r\nand \r\nasked if he knew what caused him to faint. \r\n\r\n"It was \r\nenough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for \r\nthe keys \r\nto the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out \r\nwith \r\nthe lawn mower."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (422, 'Pig jokes', 'Why did the pig go to the casino ? \r\nTo play the \r\nslop machine !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (423, 'Pig jokes', 'What do you call a pig with three eyes? \r\n...A \r\npiiig');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (424, 'Pig jokes', 'A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No \r\nwonder \r\nthat mama pig is so big," she yelled. \r\n"There''s a bunch \r\nof little pigs out there blowing her up!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (425, 'Pig jokes', 'A \r\npig''s favorite movie: \r\nThe Monster That \r\nAte New York.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (426, 'Pig jokes', 'All our pigs are learning karate. \r\nOh, I don''t \r\nbelieve that \r\nNo? Well, just watch out for their chops.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (427, 'Political jokes', 'Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" \r\n\r\nDemocrats say "Happy Holidays!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (428, 'Political jokes', 'Republicans help the poor during \r\nthe \r\nholidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the \r\n\r\nstreet.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (429, 'Political jokes', 'Democrats get back at the Republicans on \r\ntheir Christmas list by \r\ngiving them fruitcakes. \r\nRepublicans re-wrap \r\nthem and send them to in-laws.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (430, 'Political jokes', 'Democrats let \r\ntheir kids open all the \r\ngifts on Christmas Eve. \r\nRepublicans make their kids wait until \r\nChristmas morning.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (431, 'Political jokes', 'When \r\ntoasting the holidays, Republicans \r\nask for eggnog or mulled wine. \r\nDemocrats ask for a "Bud."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (432, 'Police jokes', 'The Boston taxi driver backed into the \r\nstationary \r\nfruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Name?" \r\n\r\n"Brendan O''Connor." \r\n\r\n"Same as mine. Where are \r\nyou from?" \r\n\r\n"County Cork." \r\n\r\n"Same as me......" \r\n\r\nThe \r\npoliceman paused with his pen in the air. \r\n\r\n"Hold on a moment and \r\nI''ll come back and talk about the old county. I \r\nwant to say \r\nsomething to this fella that ran into the back of your \r\ncab."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (433, 'Police jokes', 'Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to \r\navoid a box that fell \r\nout of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a \r\npoliceman pulled him \r\nover for reckless driving. Fortunately, \r\nanother officer had seen the \r\ncarton in the road. The policmen stopped \r\ntraffic and recovered the box. It \r\nwas found to contain large \r\nupholstery tacks. \r\n\r\n"I''m sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, \r\n"but I am still \r\ngoing to have to write you a ticket." \r\n\r\n\r\nAmazed, the driver asked for what. \r\n\r\nThe trooper replied, "Tacks \r\nevasion."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (434, 'Police jokes', 'A policeman pulls a man over \r\nfor speeding \r\nand asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man \r\nover he \r\nsays, "Sir, I couldn''t help but notice your eyes are \r\nbloodshot. Have \r\nyou been drinking?" \r\n\r\nThe man gets really indignant and says, \r\n"Officer, I couldn''t help but \r\nnotice your eyes are glazed. Have you \r\nbeen eating doughnuts?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (435, 'Police jokes', 'A \r\nlocal policeman had just finished his \r\nshift one cold November evening and \r\nwas at home with his wife. \r\n\r\n\r\n"You just won''t believe what happened this evening , in all my years \r\n\r\non the force I''ve never seen anything like it." \r\n\r\n"Oh yes \r\ndear, what happened ?" \r\n\r\n"I came across two guys down by the canal, \r\none of them was drinking \r\nbattery acid and the other was eating \r\nfireworks." \r\n\r\n"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did \r\nyou do with \r\nthem ?" \r\n\r\n"Oh that was easy, I charged one and \r\nlet the other off."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (436, 'Police jokes', 'A new man \r\nis brought into Prison Cell 102. \r\n\r\n\r\nAlready there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. \r\n\r\nThe \r\nold-timer says, "Look at me. I''m old and worn out. \r\n\r\nYou''d never \r\nbelieve that I used to live the life of Riley. \r\n\r\nI wintered on the \r\nRiviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most \r\nbeautiful women, and \r\nI ate in all the best restaurants of France." \r\n\r\nThe new man \r\nasked, "What happened?" \r\n\r\n"One day Riley reported his credit cards \r\nmissing!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (437, 'Rabbit jokes', 'A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the \r\n\r\nbee turned around and flew away. Why?\r\nThe rabbit had two b''s \r\nalready.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (438, 'Rabbit jokes', 'Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come \r\nfrom? \r\n\r\nMother Rabbit: I''ll tell you when you''re older. \r\nBaby Rabbit: \r\nOh, Mommy, please, tell me now. \r\nMother Rabbit: If you must know, you \r\nwere pulled from a magician''s \r\nhat.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (439, 'Rabbit jokes', 'Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a \r\nwatch factory? \r\nAlike did was stand around making faces.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (440, 'Rabbit jokes', 'Did you hear about the egg \r\nladen rabbit who \r\njumps off bridges?\r\nHe''s the Easter Bungee!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (441, 'Rabbit jokes', 'Did you hear about the pub owner who raised \r\n\r\na baby rabbit?\r\nIt was an inn-grown hare!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (442, 'Religious jokes', 'A local priest and pastor stood by the side \r\nof \r\nthe road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn \r\nyourself \r\naround now before it''s too late!" \r\n\r\nThey planned to \r\nhold up the sign to each passing car. \r\n\r\n"Leave us alone you \r\nreligious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he \r\nsped by. \r\n\r\nFrom around \r\nthe curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said \r\none clergy \r\nto the other, "we should just put up a sign that says \r\n''bridge \r\nout'' instead?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (443, 'Religious jokes', 'A little girl spoke to her teacher about \r\nwhales. \r\n\r\nThe teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale \r\nto swallow a \r\nhuman because even though it is a very large mammal, \r\nits throat is very \r\nsmall. \r\n\r\nThe little girl said, "But how can \r\nthat be? Jonah was swallowed by a \r\nwhale." \r\n\r\nIrritated, the \r\nteacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a \r\nhuman. "It is \r\nphysically impossible!" she said. \r\n\r\nUndaunted, the little girl said, \r\n"Well, when I get to heaven I will \r\nask Jonah." \r\n\r\nTo this, the \r\nteacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (444, 'Religious jokes', 'Old Mrs. \r\nWatkins awoke one spring morning \r\nto find that the river had flooded the \r\nentire first floor of her \r\nhouse. Looking out of her window, she saw \r\nthat the water was still \r\nrising.\r\n\r\nTwo men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation \r\nto row to \r\nsafety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. \r\n"The Lord will \r\nprovide." The men shrugged and rowed on.\r\n\r\nBy \r\nevening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the \r\n\r\nroof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered \r\n\r\nto pick her up. "Don''t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord \r\n\r\nwill provide."\r\n\r\nPretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge \r\natop the chimney. When a \r\nRed Cross cutter came by on patrol, she \r\nwaved it on, shouting, "The \r\nLord will provide."\r\n\r\nSo the boat \r\nleft, the water rose and the old woman drowned.\r\n\r\nDripping wet and \r\nthoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates \r\nand demande\r\n d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.\r\n\r\n"For cryin'' out \r\nloud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (445, 'Religious jokes', 'A \r\npriest was called away for an \r\nemergency. Not wanting to leave the \r\nconfessional unattended, he called his \r\nrabbi friend from across the street \r\nand asked him to cover for \r\nhim.\r\n\r\nThe rabbi told him he wouldn''t know what to say, but the priest \r\ntold \r\nhim to come on over and he''d stay with him for a little bit \r\nand show \r\nhim what to do. \r\n\r\nThe rabbi comes, and he and the \r\npriest are in the confessional. In a \r\nfew minutes, a woman comes in and \r\nsays, ''Father, forgive me for I have \r\nsinned.''\r\n\r\nThe priest \r\nasks, ''What did you do?''\r\n\r\nThe woman says, ''I committed \r\nadultery.''\r\n\r\nThe priest says, ''How many times?'' \r\n\r\nAnd the woman \r\nreplies, ''Three.''\r\n\r\nPriest: ''Say two Hail Mary''s, put $5 in the \r\nbox, and go and sin no \r\nmore.''\r\n\r\nA few minutes later a man \r\nenters the confessional. He says, ''Father \r\nforgive me for I have \r\nsinned.''\r\n\r\n''What did you do?''\r\n\r\nI committed adultery.''\r\n r\n\r\n''How many times?''\r\n\r\n''Three times.''\r\n\r\nThe priest \r\nsays, ''Say two Hail Mary''s, put $5 in the box and go and \r\nsin no \r\nmore.''\r\n\r\nThe rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he''s got it, so \r\nthe priest \r\nleaves. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later another woman enters \r\nand says, ''Father, forgive me \r\nfor I have sinned.''\r\n\r\nThe \r\nrabbi says, ''What did you do?''\r\n\r\nThe woman replies, ''I committed \r\nadultery.''\r\n\r\nThe rabbi, getting it off pat, says, ''How many \r\ntimes?''\r\n\r\nThe woman replies, ''Once.''\r\n\r\nThe rabbi said, ''Go and \r\ndo it two more times, We have a special this \r\nweek, three for \r\n$5.''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (446, 'Religious jokes', 'A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in \r\ndire \r\ntrouble. His business has gone bust and he''s in serious \r\nfinancial \r\ntrouble. He''s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. \r\nHe goes \r\ninto the synagogue and begins to pray\r\n\r\n"God, please \r\nhelp me, I''ve lost my business and if I don''t get some \r\nmoney, I''m \r\ngoing to lose my house as well, please let me win the \r\n\r\nlotto".\r\n\r\nLotto night comes and somebody else wins it.\r\n\r\nJacob goes back \r\nto the synagogue.\r\n\r\n"God, please let me win the lotto, I''ve lost \r\nmy business, my house \r\nand I''m going to lose my car as \r\nwell".\r\n\r\nLotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!\r\n\r\nBack to the \r\nsynagogue.\r\n\r\n"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I''ve lost my \r\nbusiness, my house, \r\nmy car and my wife and children are starving. I \r\ndon''t often ask you \r\nfor help and I have always been a good servant to \r\nyou. Why won''t you \r\njust let me win the lotto this one time so\r\n  I can get my life back in \r\norder???".\r\n\r\nSuddenly there is a \r\nblinding flash of light as the heavens open and \r\nJacob is confronted \r\nby the voice of GOD himself:\r\n"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, \r\nBUY A DAMN TICKET"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (447, 'Restaurant jokes', 'A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down \r\n\r\nand orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and \r\nshoots \r\nthe waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager \r\nshouts, \r\n"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you \r\ndidn''t pay for \r\nyour sandwich!"\r\n\r\nThe panda yells back at the \r\nmanager, "Hey man, I''m a PANDA! Look it \r\nup!"\r\n\r\nThe manager opens \r\nhis dictionary and sees the following definition for \r\npanda: "A tree \r\ndwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by \r\ndistinct black \r\nand white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (448, 'Restaurant jokes', 'Three \r\ncouples are dining \r\ntogether.\r\nThe American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".\r\nThe \r\nEnglish husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".\r\nThe \r\n[you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb \r\n\r\ncow".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (449, 'Restaurant jokes', 'Two men were in a restaurant and ordered \r\nfish. The waiter \r\nbrought a dish with two fish, one larger than the \r\nother. One of the men said \r\nto the other, "Please help yourself." The \r\nother one said "Okay", \r\nand helped himself to the larger fish. After \r\na tense silence, the first \r\none said, "really, now, if you had \r\noffered me the first choice, I would \r\nhave taken the smaller fish!" The \r\nother one replied, "What are you \r\ncomplaining for; you have it, \r\ndon''t you?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (450, 'Restaurant jokes', '"What flavors of ice cream \r\ndo you have?" \r\ninquired the customer.\r\n"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," \r\nanswered the new waitress in a \r\nhoarse whisper.\r\nTrying to be \r\nsympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have \r\nlaryngitis?" \r\n"No...." \r\nreplied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... \r\nvanilla, \r\nstrawberry, and chocolate."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (451, 'Restaurant jokes', 'Did you hear about the new \r\nrestaurant on \r\nthe moon? Great food but no atmosphere.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (452, 'Salesmen jokes', 'A salesman walking along the beach found a \r\n\r\nbottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.\r\n"I will \r\ngrant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since \r\nSatan \r\nstill hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as \r\n\r\nwell -- only double."\r\n\r\nThe salesman thought about this for a while. \r\n"For my first wish, I \r\nwould like ten million dollars," he \r\nannounced.\r\nInstantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and \r\nassured \r\nthe man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has \r\njust \r\nreceived $20,000,000," the genie said.\r\n\r\n\r\n"I''ve \r\nalways wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.\r\nInstantly a Ferrari \r\nappeared. "But your rival has just received two \r\nFerraris," the genie said. \r\n"And what is your last wish?"\r\n\r\n"Well," said the salesman, "I''ve \r\nalways wanted to donate a kidney \r\nfor transplant."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (453, 'Salesmen jokes', 'How do salespeople traditionally greet each \r\nother?\r\n"Hi. Nice to meet you. I''m better than you."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (454, 'Salesmen jokes', 'A salesman was \r\ndemonstrating unbreakable \r\ncombs in a department store. He was impressing the \r\npeople who \r\nstopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of \r\ntorture and \r\nstress.\r\n\r\nFinally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he \r\nbent the comb \r\ncompletely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. \r\nWithout missing a \r\nbeat, he bravely held up both halves of the \r\n''unbreakable'' comb for \r\neveryone to see and said, "And this, ladies and \r\ngentlemen, is what an \r\nunbreakable comb looks like on the inside."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (455, 'Salesmen jokes', 'Two shoe salespeople were \r\nsent to Africa \r\nto open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one \r\nsalesperson \r\ncalled the office and said, "I''m returning on the next \r\nflight. \r\nCan''t sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."\r\nAt the same time the \r\nother salesperson sent an email to the factory, \r\ntelling "The \r\nprospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (456, 'Salesmen jokes', 'A \r\nsoftware manager, a hardware manager, \r\nand a marketing manager are driving \r\nto a meeting when a tire blows. \r\nThey get out of the car and look at the \r\nproblem.\r\n\r\nThe software \r\nmanager says, "I can''t do anything about this - it''s a \r\nhardware \r\nproblem."\r\n\r\nThe hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car \r\noff and on \r\nagain, it would fix itself."\r\n\r\nThe marketing \r\nmanager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let''s ship \r\nit!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (457, 'School jokes', 'Teacher: What''s 2 and 2?\r\nPupil: \r\n4\r\nTeacher: That''s good.\r\nPupil: Good?, that''s perfect!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (458, 'School jokes', 'Teacher: Who can tell me where \r\nHadrians Wall \r\nis?\r\nPupil: I expect it''s around Hadrian''s garden miss!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (459, 'School jokes', 'Teacher: Why \r\ndoes the statue of liberty \r\nstand in New York harbour?\r\nPupil: Because it can''t sit down!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (460, 'School jokes', 'Teacher: Where is your homework?\r\nPupil: I \r\nlost it fighting this kid who said you weren''t the best \r\nteacher in \r\nthe school');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (461, 'School jokes', 'Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is \r\n4+4?\r\nPupil: That''s not fair!\r\n\r\nYou answer the easy ones and leave us with \r\nthe hard one!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (462, 'Snake jokes', 'There where two snakes talking. \r\n\r\nThe 1st \r\none said ''Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves \r\n\r\naround our prey and squeeze and crush until they''re dead? Or are we \r\n\r\nthe type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are \r\n\r\npoisioned?''. \r\n\r\nThen the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (463, 'Snake jokes', 'A old snake goes to see \r\nhis Doctor. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can''t see well these days". \r\n\r\nThe Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in \r\n\r\n2 weeks. \r\n\r\nThe snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor \r\nhe''s very \r\ndepressed. \r\n\r\nDoc says, "What''s the \r\nproblem...didn''t the glasses help you?" \r\n\r\n"The glasses are fine doc, I just \r\ndiscovered I''ve been living with a \r\nwater hose the past 2 years!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (464, 'Snake jokes', 'Q: What kind of snake is good at math?\r\nA: An \r\nadder.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (465, 'Snake jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a snake with a \r\nhotdog? A \r\nfangfurther.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (466, 'Snake jokes', 'What do you do if you find a black mamba in your \r\ntoilet? \r\nWait until he''s finished.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (467, 'Snowman jokes', 'What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the \r\nSnowman?\r\nHave an ice day!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (468, 'Snowman jokes', 'What do you get if you cross King Kong with a \r\n\r\nsnowman? \r\nFrostbite.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (469, 'Snowman jokes', 'Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over \r\ntheir \r\nbaby''s crib? A: A snowmobile!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (470, 'Snowman jokes', 'What do Snowmen call their offspring? \r\n\r\nChill-dren.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (471, 'Snowman jokes', 'Where do Snowmen go to dance? \r\nTo \r\nsnowballs.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (472, 'Space jokes', 'What do you call an alien starship that drips \r\n\r\nwater? \r\nA crying saucer !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (473, 'Space jokes', 'What do you call an overweight ET ?\r\nAn extra \r\ncholesterol !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (474, 'Space jokes', 'President Dubya was awakened one night by an \r\n\r\nurgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star \r\n\r\ngeneral, barely able to contain himself, "there''s good news & bad \r\n\r\nnews." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad \r\nnews \r\nfirst." "The bad news, sir, is that we''ve been invaded by \r\ncreatures \r\nfrom another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good \r\nnews, \r\nsir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (475, 'Space jokes', 'What do you get if you \r\ncross an alien and a \r\nhot drink ?\r\nGravi-tea !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (476, 'Space jokes', 'A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship \r\nlanding in \r\nfront of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and \r\nstarted to pump \r\ngas into it. The woman noticed the letters \r\n''''U.F.O.'''' printed on \r\nthe side of the ship. She turned to the alien and \r\nasked ''''Does U.F.O. \r\nstand for Unidentified Flying Object?'''' \r\n\r\nThe alien answered, ''''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (477, 'Sport jokes', 'Where do religious school children practice \r\n\r\nsports?\r\nIn the prayground!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (478, 'Sport jokes', 'How did the basketball court get wet?\r\nThe \r\nplayers dribbled all over it!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (479, 'Sport jokes', 'Why did the chicken get sent off?\r\nFor \r\npersistent fowl play!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (480, 'Sport jokes', 'Why were the two managers sitting around \r\n\r\nsketching crockery before the start of the game?\r\nIt was a cup draw!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (481, 'Sport jokes', 'Where do football directors go when they are fed \r\n\r\nup?\r\nThe bored room!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (482, 'Spelling jokes', '"Please, ma''am! How do you spell ichael?" \r\n\r\nThe teacher was rather bewildered. "Don''t you mean Michael?" she \r\n\r\nasked. "No, ma''am. I''ve written the ''M'' already."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (483, 'Spelling jokes', 'School Doctor: \r\nHave you ever had trouble \r\nwith appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to \r\nspell it.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (484, 'Spelling jokes', 'How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. \r\nThat''s \r\nwrong. \r\nThat''s what you asked for, isn''t it?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (485, 'Spelling jokes', 'First witch: Here''s a banana \r\nif you can \r\nspell it. \r\nSecond witch: I can spell banana. I just don''t know when \r\nto \r\nstop.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (486, 'Spelling jokes', 'The young lad had applied for a job, and was \r\nasked his full name. \r\n"Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan," he replied. \r\n"How do you spell that?" asked \r\nthe manager. "Er ? sir ? er ? can''t \r\nyou just put it down without \r\nspelling it?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (487, 'Teeth jokes', 'Fan: I''ve always admired you. Are your teeth \r\n\r\nyour own? \r\nActor: Whose do you think they are?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (488, 'Teeth jokes', 'What did the vampire call his \r\nfalse teeth? \r\n\r\nA new fangled device.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (489, 'Teeth jokes', 'What happened to the man who put his false \r\n\r\nteeth in backwards? \r\nHe ate himself!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (490, 'Teeth jokes', 'Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her \r\nhands \r\nwhen she sneezed? \r\nTo catch her false teeth.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (491, 'Teeth jokes', 'A man coughed violently, and his false \r\nteeth \r\nshot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he \r\n\r\nsaid, "whatever shall I do? I can''t afford a new set." \r\n"Don''t \r\nworry," said his friend. "I''ll get a pair from my brother \r\nfor you." \r\nThe next day the friend came back with the teeth, which \r\nfitted \r\nperfectly. \r\n"This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a \r\nvery good \r\ndentist." \r\n"Oh, he''s not a dentist," replied the friend, \r\n"he''s an \r\nundertaker."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (492, 'Telephone jokes', 'After my wife and her former best buddy, \r\n\r\nanother Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted \r\none\r\nhusband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means \r\n\r\nof communication. When our phone\r\nbills showed astronomical \r\nincreases, the other spouse and I sought \r\nrelief. Since we both owned \r\ncomputers, we\r\nencourage our wives to use electronic mail. \r\n\r\nNow they \r\ncall on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, \r\nthen \r\ncall back to confirm that it\r\narrived and have a conversation about \r\nthe contents!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (493, 'Telephone jokes', 'What do you call \r\nan elephant in a phone \r\nbox? \r\nStuck.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (494, 'Telephone jokes', 'What do ghosts use to phone home? \r\nA \r\nterror-phone.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (495, 'Telephone jokes', 'Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I''m a \r\ntelephone. \r\nDoctor: Why''s that? \r\nI keep getting calls in the night.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (496, 'Telephone jokes', 'At three o''clock one morning a \r\n\r\nveterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his \r\n\r\ntelephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I''m sorry if \r\n\r\nI woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That''s all \r\n\r\nright," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone \r\n\r\nanyway."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (497, 'Time jokes', 'A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they \r\n\r\ntold her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face \r\n\r\nreplied,\r\n\r\n\r\n"You know, it''s the weirdest thing, I have been \r\nasking that question \r\nall day, and each time I get a different \r\nanswer."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (498, 'Time jokes', 'A man had been \r\ndriving all night and by \r\nmorning was still far from his destination. He \r\ndecided to stop at the \r\nnext city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so \r\nhe could get an hour \r\nor two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet \r\nplace he chose \r\nhappened to be on one of the city''s major jogging \r\nroutes. No sooner \r\nhad he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking \r\non his \r\nwindow. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. \r\n\r\n"Yes?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The \r\nman \r\nlooked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said \r\nthanks \r\nand left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off \r\nwhen \r\nthere was another knock on the window and another jogger. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" \r\n\r\n"8:25!" \r\n\r\nThe \r\njogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers \r\n\r\npassing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o\r\n ne \r\ndisturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper \r\nand put a \r\nsign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once \r\nagain he \r\nsettled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there \r\nwas another \r\nknock on the window. \r\n\r\n"Sir, sir? It''s 8:45!."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (499, 'Time jokes', 'How can you tell when witches are carrying \r\na \r\ntime bomb? \r\nYou can hear their brooms tick!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (500, 'Time jokes', 'What did the Loch Ness Monster say to \r\nhis \r\nfriend? \r\nLong time no sea.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (501, 'Time jokes', 'What time is it when you sit on a pin? \r\nSpring \r\ntime.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (502, 'Vampire jokes', 'Why did the vampire attack the clown? \r\nHe \r\nwanted the circus to be in his blood.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (503, 'Vampire jokes', 'Did you hear about the \r\nvampire who had an \r\neye for the ladies? \r\nHe used to keep it in his back pocket.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (504, 'Vampire jokes', 'What is Dracula''s favorite \r\nfruit? \r\n\r\nNeck-tarines.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (505, 'Vampire jokes', 'When the picture of the vampire''s grandmother \r\ncrashed \r\nto the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean? \r\n\r\nThat the nail had come out of the wall.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (506, 'Vampire jokes', 'What is a vampire''s \r\nfavourite soup \r\n?\r\nScream of mushroom !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (507, 'Travel and tourist jokes', 'A man wrote a letter to a small \r\n\r\nhotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. \r\nHe \r\nwrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is \r\n\r\nwell-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep \r\n\r\nhim in my room with me at night?" \r\n\r\nAn immediate reply came \r\nfrom the hotel owner, who said, "I''ve been \r\noperating this hotel for \r\nmany years. In all that time, I''ve never had a \r\ndog steal towels, \r\nbedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. \r\nI''ve never had to \r\nevict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk \r\nand \r\ndisorderly. And I''ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, \r\nindeed, \r\nyour dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch \r\nfor \r\nyou, you''re welcome to stay here, too."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (508, 'Travel and tourist jokes', 'A man was driving along \r\nthe \r\nhighway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He \r\n\r\nswerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit \r\n\r\njumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man \r\nas \r\nwell as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and \r\ngot \r\nout to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, \r\nthe rabbit \r\nwas dead. The driver felt so awful he began to \r\ncry.\r\n\r\nA woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of \r\nthe \r\nroad and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the \r\nman what \r\nwas wrong.\r\n\r\n"I feel terrible," he explained. "I \r\naccidently hit this rabbit and \r\nkilled it."\r\n\r\nThe woman told the man \r\nnot to worry. She knew what to do. She went to \r\nher car trunk and \r\npulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, \r\ndead rabbit, and \r\nsprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. \r\nMiraculously,\r\n  the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two \r\n\r\nhumans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned \r\n\r\naround, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, \r\n\r\nturned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. \r\nHe \r\ncouldn''t figure out what substance could be in the woman''s \r\nspray can! \r\nHe ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your \r\nspray can? \r\nWhat did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned \r\nthe can around so \r\nthat the man could read the label. It \r\nsaid:\r\n\r\n"''Hare Spray'' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (509, 'Travel and tourist jokes', 'A \r\nfellow stopped at a rural gas \r\nstation and, after filling his tank, he \r\npaid the bill and bought a \r\nsoft drink. He stood by his car to drink his \r\ncola and he watched a \r\ncouple of men working along the roadside. One man \r\nwould dig a hole \r\ntwo or three feet deep and then move on. The other man \r\ncame along \r\nbehind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new \r\nhole, the \r\nother was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men \r\nworked \r\nright past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the \r\nroad. \r\n"I can''t stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash \r\n\r\ncontainer and heading down the road toward the men. \r\n\r\n"Hold it, hold \r\nit," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what''s \r\ngoing on here \r\nwith this digging?" \r\n\r\n"Well, we work for the county government, " \r\none of the men said. \r\n\r\n"But one of you is digging a hole and the \r\nother is filling it up. \r\nYou''re not accomplishing anything. Are\r\n n''t you wasting the county''s \r\nmoney?" \r\n\r\n"You don''t \r\nunderstand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his \r\nshovel and wiping \r\nhis brow. "Normally there''s three of us--me, Rodney \r\nand Mike. I \r\ndig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts \r\nthe dirt \r\nback." \r\n\r\n"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney''s sick, \r\nthat don''t \r\nmean we can''t work, does it?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (510, 'Travel and tourist jokes', 'Walking through Chinatown, a tourist \r\n\r\nis fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and \r\n\r\nbanners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans \r\n\r\nOlaffsen''s Laundry." \r\n\r\n"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in \r\nhell does that fit in here?" So \r\nhe walks into the shop and sees an \r\nold Chinese gentleman behind the \r\ncounter. \r\n\r\nThe tourist asks, \r\n"How did this place get a name like ''Hans \r\nOlaffsen''s Laundry?''" \r\nThe old man answers, "Is name of owner." \r\n\r\nThe tourist asks, \r\n"Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right \r\nhere," replies the \r\nold man. \r\n\r\n"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to \r\n\r\nthis country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in \r\nfront was \r\nbig blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, ''What your \r\nname?'' He \r\nsay,''Hans Olaffsen.'' Then she look at me and go, ''Wh\r\n at your name?''" \r\n\r\n"I say Sem Ting."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (511, 'Travel and tourist jokes', 'During my stay at an expensive hotel \r\nin New York \r\nCity, I woke up in the middle of the night with an \r\nupset stomach. I \r\ncalled room service and ordered some soda crackers. \r\nWhen I looked at the \r\ncharge slip, I was furious. I called room \r\nservice and raged, "I know \r\nI''m in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six \r\ncrackers is ridiculous!" \r\n"The crackers are complimentary," the voice \r\nto the other end cooly \r\nexplained. "I believe you are complaining \r\nabout your room number."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (512, 'Various animal jokes', 'What do you call a gigantic polar \r\nbear?\r\nNothing, you just run away!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (513, 'Various animal jokes', 'What animal do you look like when you \r\nget \r\ninto the bath ? \r\nA little bear !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (514, 'Various animal jokes', 'A lady was walking down the street to \r\nwork and she \r\nsaw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The \r\nparrot said to her, \r\n"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is \r\nfurious! She \r\nstormed past the store to her work. On the way home \r\nshe saw the same parrot \r\nand it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really \r\nugly." \r\n\r\nShe was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same \r\nparrot again said \r\nto her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." \r\n\r\nThe \r\nlady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she \r\n\r\nwould sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, \r\n\r\n"That''s not good," and promised he wouldn''t say it again. \r\n\r\nWhen \r\nthe lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot \r\n\r\ncalled to her, "Hey lady." \r\n\r\nShe paused and said, "Yes?"\r\n\r\nThe \r\nbird said, "You know."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (515, 'Various animal jokes', 'There are bats hanging of a branch \r\n\r\nupside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What''s happened to this \r\n\r\none?\r\n- I don''t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then \r\nhe \r\nfainted.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (516, 'Various animal jokes', 'A vampire bat came flapping in from a \r\nnight of foraging, covered in \r\nfresh blood. He parked himself on the \r\ncave''s roof to get some sleep. \r\nSoon all the other bats smelled the \r\nblood and began hassling him about \r\nwhere he got it. He told them to \r\nshut up and let him get some sleep, but \r\nthey persisted until he \r\nfinally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out \r\nof the cave with \r\nhundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley \r\nthey went, across a \r\nriver and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed \r\ndown and all the \r\nother bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see \r\nthat tree over \r\nthere?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a \r\nfrenzy. "Well I \r\ndidn''t!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (517, 'Waiter jokes', 'Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my \r\nsoup!\r\nWaiter: Don''t worry, Sir, it''s not that hot!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (518, 'Waiter jokes', 'A waiter brings the \r\ncustomer the steak he \r\nordered with his thumb over the meat.\r\n"Are you crazy?" yelled the \r\ncustomer, "with your hand on my steak?"\r\n"What" answers the waiter, "You \r\nwant it to fall on the floor \r\nagain?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (519, 'Waiter jokes', 'Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"\r\n1st \r\ncustomer: "I''ll have tea."\r\n2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the \r\nglass is clean!"\r\n(Waiter exits, returns)\r\nWaiter: "Two teas. Which one \r\nasked for the clean glass?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (520, 'Waiter jokes', 'Waiter, \r\nwaiter, do you have frog''s \r\nlegs?\r\nCertainly, Sir!\r\nWell hop over here and get me a sandwich!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (521, 'Waiter jokes', 'Two attorneys went into a \r\ndiner and ordered \r\ntwo drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their \r\nbriefcases and \r\nstarted to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and \r\nmarched over \r\nand told them, "You can''t eat your own sandwiches in \r\nhere!" The \r\nattorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then \r\n\r\nexchanged sandwiches.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (522, 'Weather jokes', 'You''re hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park \r\n\r\nnear London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across \r\n\r\n(separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and \r\nSir Edmund \r\nHillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube \r\nstop. Whom \r\ndon''t you believe? Your story teller, for there is no \r\nsuch thing as a \r\ncompletely sunny day in England.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (523, 'Weather jokes', 'Why did your sister cut a hole in her \r\nnew \r\numbrella ?\r\nBecause she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped \r\nraining.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (524, 'Weather jokes', '''You \r\nnever get anything right,'' \r\ncomplained the teacher. ''What kind of job \r\ndo you think you''ll get when you \r\nleave school ?''\r\n''Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (525, 'Weather jokes', 'What did Santa \r\nClaus''s wife say during a \r\nthunderstorm?\r\n''Come and look at the rain, dear.''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (526, 'Weather jokes', 'How do sheep keep warm in winter \r\n? \r\n\r\nCentral bleating !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (527, 'Witch jokes', 'What do witches ring for in a hotel? B-room \r\n\r\nservice.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (528, 'Witch jokes', 'Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of \r\nher long black \r\nhair? \r\nShe always wore long gloves to cover it \r\nup.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (529, 'Witch jokes', 'How do warty witches keep \r\ntheir hair out of \r\nplace? \r\nWith scare spray.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (530, 'Witch jokes', 'What happened to the witch with an upside down \r\n\r\nnose? \r\nEvery time she sneezed her hat blew off.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (531, 'Witch jokes', 'Why did the witch lose her \r\nway? \r\nBecause \r\nher hat was pointing in the wrong direction.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (532, 'Women jokes', 'Why do women have smaller feet than men? \r\n\r\n\r\n- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (533, 'Women jokes', 'How do you know when a \r\nwoman is about to say \r\nsomething smart? \r\n\r\n- She starts her sentence with "A man once \r\ntold me..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (534, 'Women jokes', 'How do you \r\nfix a woman''s watch? \r\n\r\n- It \r\ndoesn''t matter. There is a clock on the oven.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (535, 'Women jokes', 'If your dog is \r\nbarking at the back door and \r\nyour wife is yelling at the front door, who \r\ndo you let in first? \r\n\r\n\r\n- The dog. He''ll shut up once you let him in.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (536, 'Women jokes', 'What''s worse than a \r\nMale Chauvinist Pig? \r\n\r\n\r\n- A woman that won''t do what she''s told.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (537, 'Zodiac jokes', 'Q: How many Arians does it take to change a \r\n\r\nlightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (538, 'Zodiac jokes', 'Q: How \r\nmany Arians does it take to change a \r\nlightbulb? A: None: Arians aren''t \r\nafraid of the dark.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (539, 'Zodiac jokes', 'Q: How many Arians does it take to change a \r\n\r\nlightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. \r\n\r\n(*smash*)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (540, 'Zodiac jokes', 'Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a \r\nlightbulb? A: Well, you \r\nhave to remember that everything is energy \r\nso...');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (541, 'Zodiac jokes', 'Q: How many Aquarians \r\ndoes it take to change \r\na lightbulb? A: A hundred, but they''ll all be \r\ncompeting to be the \r\none to change the bulb and bring light to the \r\nworld.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (542, 'Yo momma jokes', 'Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can \r\n\r\ndown the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said \r\n\r\n"Moving."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (543, 'Yo momma jokes', 'Yo mama so poor she can''t afford to pay \r\nattention!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (544, 'Yo momma jokes', 'Yo mama so poor \r\nwhen I ring the doorbell \r\nshe says,"DING!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (545, 'Yo momma jokes', 'Yo mama so poor your \r\nfamily ate cereal \r\nwith a fork to save milk.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (546, 'Yo momma jokes', 'Yo mama so poor she was in \r\nK-Mart with a \r\nbox of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin''?" She said, \r\n"Buying \r\nluggage."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (547, 'Zoo jokes', 'A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the \r\n\r\nzoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a \r\n\r\nten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the \r\nzoo. A \r\ntwenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence \r\nwas forty \r\nfeet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the \r\nkangaroo, "How high \r\ndo you think they''ll go?"\r\nThe kangaroo said, \r\n"About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the \r\ngate at night!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (548, 'Zoo jokes', 'One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang \r\n\r\nwas reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin''s Origin of Species. \r\nIn \r\nsurprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those \r\nbooks"?\r\n\r\n"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was \r\nmy \r\nbrother''s keeper or my keeper''s brother."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (549, 'Zoo jokes', 'The manager of a large city \r\nzoo was drafting a \r\nletter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his \r\ncomputer and typed \r\nthe following sentence: "I would like to place an \r\norder for two \r\nmongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."\r\n\r\nHe stared \r\nat the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he \r\ndeleted \r\nthe word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I \r\nwould \r\nlike to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your \r\n\r\nearliest convenience."\r\n\r\nAgain he stared at the screen, this time \r\nfocusing on the new word, \r\nwhich seemed just as odd as the original \r\none. Finally, he deleted the whole \r\nsentence and started all over. \r\n"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo \r\nshould be without a mongoose," he \r\ntyped. "Please send us two of \r\nthem."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (550, 'Zoo jokes', 'Father and son standing outside the elephant''s \r\ncage in the Moscow \r\nZoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here \r\nlong enough, one of them \r\nwill throw some food at us."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (551, 'Zoo jokes', 'A man went to work for a zoo \r\nveterinarian. \r\n"Look in the lion''s mouth," the vet told him.\r\n"How do I do that?" he \r\nasked.\r\n"Carefully," replied the vet.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (552, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Read more Aardvark jokes');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (553, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Read more \r\nAccountant jokes');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (554, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Read more Answer me this jokes');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (555, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Read more Ant jokes');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (556, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Read \r\nmore Apple jokes');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (557, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A minister gave a talk to the \r\n\r\nLions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn''t\r\ntell his wife \r\nthat he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed\r\nhorseback \r\nriding with the members.\r\n\r\nA few days later, she ran into some men at \r\nthe shopping center and they\r\ncomplimented her on the speech her \r\nhusband had made.\r\n\r\nShe said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the \r\nsubject matter, as \r\nhe''s only\r\ntried it twice. The first time he \r\ngot so sore he could hardly walk, and \r\nthe\r\nsecond time he fell \r\noff."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (558, 'Funny \r\njokes - 50 best jokes', 'A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in \r\n\r\ndire trouble. His business has gone bust and he''s in serious \r\nfinancial \r\ntrouble. He''s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. \r\nHe \r\ngoes into the synagogue and begins to pray\r\n\r\n"God, please \r\nhelp me, I''ve lost my business and if I don''t get some \r\nmoney, I''m \r\ngoing to lose my house as well, please let me win the \r\n\r\nlotto".\r\n\r\nLotto night comes and somebody else wins it.\r\n\r\nJacob goes back \r\nto the synagogue.\r\n\r\n"God, please let me win the lotto, I''ve lost \r\nmy business, my house \r\nand I''m going to lose my car as \r\nwell".\r\n\r\nLotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!\r\n\r\nBack to the \r\nsynagogue.\r\n\r\n"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I''ve lost my \r\nbusiness, my house, \r\nmy car and my wife and children are starving. I \r\ndon''t often ask you \r\nfor help and I have always been a good servant\r\n  to you. Why won''t you \r\njust let me win the lotto this one time so \r\nI can get my life back in \r\norder???".\r\n\r\nSuddenly there is a \r\nblinding flash of light as the heavens open and \r\nJacob is confronted by \r\nthe voice of GOD himself:\r\n"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY \r\nA DAMN TICKET"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (559, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A Brit, a \r\nFrenchman and a \r\nRussian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve \r\nfrolicking in the \r\nGarden of Eden. \r\n\r\n"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. \r\n"They must be \r\nBritish." \r\n\r\n"Nonsense," the Frenchman \r\ndisagrees. "They''re naked, and so \r\nbeautiful. Clearly, they are French." \r\n\r\n\r\n"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only \r\nan \r\napple to eat, and they''re being told this is paradise. They are \r\n\r\nRussian."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (560, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out \r\nof Washington for New York. One \r\nsat in the window seat, the other in \r\nthe middle seat. Just before \r\ntakeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got \r\non and took the aisle seat next to the \r\nArabs. He kicked off his \r\nshoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in \r\nwhen the Arab in the \r\nwindow seat said, "I think I''ll go up and get a \r\ncoke." \r\n\r\n"No \r\nproblem," said the Israeli. "I''ll get it for you." While he \r\nwas gone, \r\nthe Arab picked up the Israeli''s shoe and spit in it. When the \r\n\r\nIsraeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. \r\n\r\nI think I''ll have one too." \r\n\r\nAgain, the Israeli obligingly \r\nwent to fetch it, and while he is gone \r\nthe Arab other picked up the \r\nother shoe and spit in it. The Israeli \r\nreturned with the coke, and \r\nthey all sat back and enjoyed the short flight \r\nto New York. \r\n\r\n\r\nAs the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe\r\n s \r\nand knew immediately what had happened. \r\n\r\n"How long must \r\nthis go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our \r\npeoples..... this \r\nhatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and \r\npeeing in \r\ncokes?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (561, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why were ancient Egyptian \r\nchildren confused? \r\nBecause their daddies were mummies.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (562, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE \r\n\r\nA TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (563, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A little boy walked \r\ndown the \r\naisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would \r\ntake \r\ntwo steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between \r\n\r\nthe bride''s side and the groom''s side. While facing the crowd, he would \r\n\r\nput his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, \r\nROAR, \r\nstep, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.\r\nAs you can \r\nimagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by \r\nthe time he \r\nreached the pulpit.\r\nThe little boy, however, was getting more and \r\nmore distressed from all \r\nthe laughing, and he was near tears by the \r\ntime he reached the pulpit.\r\nWhen asked what he was doing, the child \r\nsniffed back his tears and \r\nsaid, "I was being the ring bear."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (564, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A husband and wife entered the \r\n\r\ndentist''s office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don''t \r\nwant \r\ngas or Novocain because I''m in a terrible hurry. Just pull \r\nthe tooth \r\nas quickly as possible."\r\n\r\n"You''re a brave man," said \r\nthe dentist. "Now, show me which tooth \r\nit is."\r\n\r\nThe husband \r\nturns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the \r\ndentist \r\nwhich tooth it is, dear."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (565, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'An accountant is having a hard \r\n\r\ntime sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can''t get \r\nto \r\nsleep at night."\r\n\r\n"Have you tried counting \r\nsheep?"\r\n\r\n"That''s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours \r\n\r\ntrying to find it."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (566, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A lawyer with insomnia consulted \r\nher doctor. \r\n"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.\r\n"The \r\nside that pays your fee," replied the doctor.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (567, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Three men: an editor, a \r\n\r\nphotographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. \r\n\r\nThey decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. \r\nHalfway \r\nup the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the \r\nlamp a genie \r\nappears and says "Normally I would grant you three \r\nwishes, but since \r\nthere are three of you, I will grant you each one \r\nwish."\r\n\r\nThe photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest \r\nof my \r\nlife living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money \r\nworries." The \r\ngenie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. \r\nThomas.\r\n\r\nThe journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of \r\nmy life \r\nliving on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no \r\nmoney \r\nworries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to \r\nthe \r\nMediterranean.\r\n\r\nLast, but not least, it was the editor''s \r\nturn. "And what would your \r\nwish be?" asked the genie.\r\n\r\n\r\n "I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the \r\n\r\ndeadline for tomorrow''s newspaper is in about ten hours.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (568, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why do women have \r\nsmaller \r\nfeet than men? \r\n\r\n- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (569, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'How do you know when a \r\nwoman \r\nis about to say something smart? \r\n\r\n- She starts her sentence with \r\n"A man once told me..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (570, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why are \r\nteachers happy at \r\nHalloween parties? \r\nBecause there''s lots of school spirit!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (571, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'What did the really ugly man \r\n\r\ndo for a living? \r\nHe posed for Halloween masks.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (572, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Q: Why doesn''t the dinosaur \r\n\r\ncross the road anymore?\r\nA: Because their eggs stink. (They''re \r\nextinct)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (573, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why couldn''t the \r\nalligator \r\nsend e-mails on his PC?\r\nBecause it was on old croc.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (574, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', '"Mommy, all the kids at school \r\nsay I''m \r\na werewolf! Is that true?" \r\n"No, of course not. Now shut \r\nup and comb your face."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (575, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Yo Momma is so \r\nugly that she \r\nscares blind people!!!!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (576, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Three women are about to be \r\n\r\nexecuted. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead and one''s a \r\nblonde.\r\n\r\nThe guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she \r\n\r\nhas any last requests.\r\n\r\nShe says no and the executioner \r\nshouts, ''''Ready! Aim!'''' Suddenly \r\nthe brunette yells, \r\n''''EARTHQUAKE!!!'''' Everyone is startled and throws \r\nthemselves on the ground \r\nwhile she escapes. \r\n\r\nThe guard brings the redhead forward and the \r\nexecutioner asks if she \r\nhas any last requests. She say no and the \r\nexecutioner shouts, ''''Ready! \r\nAim!'''' Suddenly the redhead yells, \r\n''''TORNADO!!!'''' Everyone is \r\nstartled and looks around for cover \r\nwhile she escapes.\r\n\r\nBy now the blonde has it all figured out. The \r\nguard brings her forward \r\nand the executioner asks if she has any \r\nlast requests. She says no and \r\nthe executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'''' \r\nand the blonde yells, \r\n''''FIRE!!!''''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (577, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why is it that at class reunions \r\n\r\nyou feel younger than everyone else looks?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (578, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Do vampires get \r\nAIDS?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (579, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why are cigarettes sold at gas \r\nstations when smoking is prohibited \r\nthere?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (580, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Q. What does a woman''s asshole \r\ndo when she is having an orgasm?\r\nA. He is usually home with the \r\nkids!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (581, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A couple decided that the only \r\n\r\nway to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the \r\napartment \r\nwas to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running \r\nreport on \r\nwhat was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood \r\non the balcony \r\nand reported on everything that was happening. "A \r\npolice car has just \r\ncalled at the Hamiltons'' house, the Chandlers are \r\ntaking delivery of a \r\nnew wardrobe, and the Mitchell''s are having \r\nsex." Hearing this, the \r\nboy''s parents shot bolt upright. "How do \r\nyou know the Mitchells are \r\nhaving sex?" "Because their kid is \r\nstanding on the balcony too."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (582, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Q: How do you know if a blonde \r\n\r\nhas been sending e-mail?\r\nA: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed \r\ninto the disk drive.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (583, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Little \r\nMary was not the best \r\nstudent in Sunday School. Usually she slept \r\nthrough the class. One \r\nday the teacher called on her while she was napping, \r\n"Tell me, \r\nMary, who created the universe?"\r\nWhen Mary didn''t stir, little Johnny, \r\nan altruistic boy seated in the \r\nchair behind her, took a pin and \r\njabbed her in the rear. "God \r\nAlmighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher \r\nsaid, "Very good," and Mary fell \r\nback asleep.\r\nA while later the \r\nteacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," \r\nbut Mary didn''t \r\neven stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to \r\nthe rescue, \r\nand stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and \r\nthe teacher \r\nsaid, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.\r\nThen the teacher asked \r\nMary a third question. "What did Eve say to \r\nAdam after she had her \r\ntwenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her \r\nwith the pin. \r\nThis time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that \r\ndamn th\r\n ing in me one more time, I''ll break it in half!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (584, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'This guy \r\ngoes to the zoo one \r\nday. While standing in front of the gorilla''s cage, \r\na gust of wind \r\nswept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, \r\nthe gorilla \r\nwent crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.\r\nWhen the \r\nguy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the \r\nzookeeper. \r\nNodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid \r\n\r\nmeans "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn''t make the \r\n\r\nvictim feel any better and he vowed revenge.\r\nThe next day he \r\npurchased two large knives, two party hats, two party \r\nhorns, and a large \r\nsausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried \r\nto the zoo \r\nand over to the gorilla''s cage, where he tossed a hat, a \r\nknife, and \r\na party horn.\r\nKnowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a \r\nparty hat. The \r\ngorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it \r\non. Next, he picked \r\nup his horn and blew on it. The gorilla\r\n  picked up his horn and did the \r\nsame. Then the man picked up his \r\nknife, whipped the sausage out of his \r\npants, and sliced it in \r\nhalf.\r\nThe gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at \r\n\r\nthe man, and pulled down his eyelid.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (585, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A drunk stammers out of a bar and \r\n\r\nruns into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''''I''m Jesus \r\n\r\nChrist.'''' \r\n\r\nThe first priest says, ''''No, son, I''m Jesus \r\nChrist.'''' \r\n\r\nSo the drunk says it to the second priest. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe second priest replies, ''''No, son, I''m Jesus Christ.'''' \r\n\r\n\r\nThe drunk says, ''''Look, I can prove it.'''' and walks back into the \r\n\r\nbar with the priests. \r\n\r\nThe bartender takes on look at the \r\ndrunk and exclaims, ''''Jesus \r\nChrist, you''re here again?''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (586, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A Texan walks into a pub in \r\nIreland and \r\nclears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear \r\nyou Irish are \r\na bunch of hard drinkers. I''ll give $500 American \r\ndollars to anybody \r\nin here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness \r\nback-to-back." \r\n\r\nThe room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan''s \r\noffer. One man even \r\nleaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who \r\nleft shows back up \r\nand taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet \r\nstill good?", asks \r\nthe Irishman. \r\n\r\nThe Texan says yes and \r\nasks the bartender to line up 10 pints of \r\nGuinness. Immediately the \r\nIrishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses \r\ndrinking them all \r\nback-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan \r\nsits in \r\namazement. \r\n\r\nThe Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya \r\ndon''t mind me \r\naskin'', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were \r\ngone?". \r\n\r\nThe Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub \r\n down the street to \r\nsee if I could do it first".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (587, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'What do monkeys sing at Christmas \r\n\r\n?\r\nJungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (588, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'One day there were two boys \r\nplaying by \r\na stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to \r\nit and the \r\nother boy couldn''t figure out why his friend was at the \r\nbush so long. \r\nThe other boy went over to the bush and looked. The \r\ntwo boys were \r\nlooking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of \r\na sudden the second \r\nboy took off running. The first boy couldn''t \r\nunderstand why he ran away \r\nso he took off after his friend. Finally, \r\nhe caught up to him and asked \r\nwhy he ran away. The boy said to his \r\nfriend, "My mom told me if I ever \r\nsaw a naked lady I would turn to \r\nstone, and I felt something getting \r\nhard, so I ran."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (589, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A married couple was in a \r\nterrible accident where the \r\nwoman''s face was severely burned. \r\n\r\nThe \r\ndoctor told the husband that they couldn''t graft the skin from her \r\n\r\nbody, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. \r\n\r\n\r\nHowever, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would \r\n\r\nhave to come from his rear end. \r\n\r\nThe husband and wife agreed \r\nthat they would tell no one about where the \r\nskin came from, and \r\nrequested that the doctor also honor their secret. \r\nAfter all, this was \r\na very delicate matter. \r\n\r\nAfter the surgery was completed, \r\neveryone was astounded at the woman''s \r\nnew beauty. She looked more \r\nbeautiful than she ever had before! All her \r\nfriends and relatives just \r\nwent on and on about her youthful beauty! \r\n\r\nOne day, she was alone \r\nwith her husband, and she was overcome with \r\nemotion at his \r\nsacrifice. \r\n\r\nShe said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth\r\n ing you did for \r\nme. There is no way I could ever repay you." \r\n\r\n\r\n"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks \r\n\r\nI need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (590, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Q: Why \r\ndon''t blind people \r\nskydive?\r\nA: It scares the heck out of the dog.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (591, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A blind man walks into a store \r\n\r\nwith his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and \r\n\r\nbegins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the \r\nman and \r\nasks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just \r\nlooking \r\naround."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (592, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Sherlock Holmes and Matthew \r\n\r\nWatson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were \r\n\r\nlying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. \r\nWhat do \r\nyou see? \r\n\r\n"Well, I see thousands of stars." \r\n\r\n\r\n"And what does that mean to you?" \r\n\r\n"Well, I guess it means we \r\nwill have another nice day tomorrow. What \r\ndoes it mean to you, \r\nHolmes?" \r\n\r\n"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (593, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'An Englishman, \r\nFrenchman, \r\nMexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane \r\nwhen \r\nthe pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We''re having \r\n\r\nmechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is \r\n\r\nfor 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can \r\nsurvive"\r\n\r\nThe four open the door and look out below. The Englishman \r\ntakes a deep \r\nbreath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and \r\njumps.\r\n\r\nThe Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and \r\n\r\nhe also jumps.\r\n\r\nThis really pumps up the Texan so he hollers \r\n"Remember the Alamo" and \r\nhe grabs the Mexican and throws him out of \r\nthe plane.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (594, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'The desk \r\nsergeant answered \r\nthe phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You''ve \r\ngot to help \r\nme! There''s a giant gray thing in my yard, and it''s \r\npulling \r\napples off the tree with its tail!" "What''s he doing with the \r\napples?" \r\nthe sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you \r\n\r\nwouldn''t believe me!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (595, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'After my wife and her former best \r\nbuddy, another \r\nAir Force wife, were separated by a move that posted \r\none\r\nhusband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief \r\nmeans \r\nof communication. When our phone\r\nbills showed astronomical \r\nincreases, the other spouse and I sought \r\nrelief. Since we both \r\nowned computers, we\r\nencourage our wives to use electronic mail. \r\n\r\n\r\nNow they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, \r\n\r\nthen call back to confirm that it\r\narrived and have a \r\nconversation about the contents!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (596, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'A couple have not \r\nbeen \r\ngetting along for years, so the husband thinks,\r\n"I''ll buy my wife a \r\ncemetery plot for her birthday."\r\nWell, you can imagine her \r\ndisappointment.\r\nThe next year, her birthday rolls around again and this\r\ntime he \r\ndoesn''t get her anything.\r\nShe says, "Why didn''t you get me a \r\nbirthday present!?"\r\nHe replies, "You didn''t use what I got you last \r\nyear!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (597, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Q: What is the pink stuff between \r\n\r\nelephant''s toes?\r\nA: Slow clowns.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (598, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Why do you need a driver''s \r\nlicence to buy liquor \r\nwhen you can''t drink and drive?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (599, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Does killing time damage \r\n\r\neternity?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (600, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', '"Will I ever be able to race my \r\nhorse again" the owner asked the vet.\r\nThe vet replied, "You certainly \r\nwill, and you''ll probably beat her \r\ntoo!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (601, 'Funny jokes - 50 best jokes', 'Do you know what a mice said when \r\nit saw a bat?\r\nMom ! I see an angel.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (602, 'Computer jokes', 'If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a \r\n\r\nWindows box crashed...\r\nOh, wait a minute, he already does.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (603, 'Computer jokes', 'There was once a young man who, \r\nin his \r\nyouth, professed his desire to become a great writer.\r\n\r\nWhen asked to \r\ndefine "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that \r\nthe whole world \r\nwill read, stuff that people will react to on a truly \r\nemotional \r\nlevel, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and \r\n\r\nanger!"\r\n\r\nHe now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (604, 'Computer jokes', 'There was once a \r\nyoung man who, in his \r\nyouth, professed his desire to become a great \r\nwriter.\r\n\r\nWhen \r\nasked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that \r\nthe whole \r\nworld will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly \r\n\r\nemotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and \r\n\r\nanger!"\r\n\r\nHe now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (605, 'Computer jokes', 'Dear Boss,\r\nI hope I haven''t misunderstood \r\nyour instructions. Because to be \r\nhonest, boss, none of this Y to K \r\ndates problem makes any sense to me.\r\n\r\nAt any rate I have finished \r\nconverting all the months on all the \r\ncompany calendars so that the \r\nyear 2000 is ready to go with the following \r\nimproved months: \r\nJanuark, Februark, Mak, Julk.\r\n\r\nIn addition, I have changed the days of \r\nthe week, and they are now: \r\nSundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, \r\nThursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.\r\n\r\nIs it enough, or should I change any \r\nother Y to K? I am a fan of the \r\nNew York Yankees. Should I call \r\nthem New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K \r\nready?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (606, 'Computer jokes', 'A programmer was walking along the beach when \r\nhe found a lamp. \r\nUpon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated \r\n"I am the most \r\npowerful genie in the world. I can grant you any \r\nwish you want, but only one \r\nwish."\r\n\r\nThe programmer pulled out a \r\nmap of the Mediterranean area and said \r\n"I''d like there to be a \r\njust and last peace among the people in the \r\nmiddle east."\r\n\r\nThe \r\ngenie responded, "Gee, I don''t know. Those people have been \r\n\r\nfighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this \r\n\r\nis beyond my limits."\r\n\r\nThe programmer then said, "Well, I am a \r\nprogrammer and my programs \r\nhave a lot of users. Please make all the \r\nusers satisfied with my programs, \r\nand let them ask sensible \r\nchanges"\r\n\r\nGenie: "Uh, let me see that map again."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (607, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to \r\n\r\nchange a light bulb?\r\nA: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world \r\nrevolve around him.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (608, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: \r\nHow many Microsoft executives does it \r\ntake to change a light bulb?\r\nA: We can see no need for uninstallation \r\nand have therefore made no \r\nprovision for light bulbs to be \r\nremoved.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (609, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: How many Microsoft support \r\nstaff does \r\nit take to change a light bulb?\r\nA: Four. One to ask "What is the \r\nregistration number of the light \r\nbulb?", one to ask "Have you tried \r\nrebooting it?", another to ask "Have \r\nyou tried reinstalling it?" and \r\nthe last one to say "It must be your \r\nhardware because the light bulb \r\nin our office works fine..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (610, 'Computer jokes', 'You \r\nhave just received the "Kentucky \r\nVirus"!!!\r\n\r\nAs we ain''t got no programin'' experience, this here Virus \r\nworks on \r\nthe honor system.\r\n\r\nPlease delete all the files on \r\nyour hard drive, and manually forward \r\nthis virus to everyone on your \r\nmailing list.\r\n\r\nThanks for your cooperation.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (611, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: How many programmers does it take to \r\n\r\nscrew in a light bulb? \r\n\r\nA: None, that''s a hardware problem.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (612, 'Computer jokes', 'Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited \r\n\r\nto have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three \r\n\r\nimportant people to send my message out to all the people: "Tomorrow \r\nI will \r\ndestroy the earth."\r\n\r\nYeltsin immediately called \r\ntogether his cabinet and told them: "I have \r\ntwo really bad news items for \r\nyou:\r\n1) God really exists and\r\n2) Tomorrow He will destroy the \r\nearth."\r\n\r\nClinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and \r\nCongress and told \r\nthem: "I have good news and bad news:\r\n1) The GOOD \r\nnews is that God really does exist\r\n2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is \r\ngoing to destroy the earth." \r\n\r\nBill Gates went back to Microsoft \r\nand very happily announced: "I have \r\ntwo fantastic \r\nannouncements:\r\n1) I am one of the three most important people on earth\r\n2) The Year \r\n2000 problem is solved."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (613, 'Computer jokes', 'I overheard a woman in a \r\ncomputer store \r\nsay to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding \r\nthe \r\ninterest of my six-year-old, but it''s got to be simple enough for \r\nhis \r\nfather to play, too."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (614, 'Computer jokes', 'Young Judy, the editor of a trivia \r\n\r\npublication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the \r\n\r\ncomputer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and \r\nsolved \r\nthe problem.\r\n\r\nAs he was walking away, Judy called after \r\nhim, "So, what was wrong?"\r\n\r\nAnd he replied, "It was an ID ten T \r\nerror."\r\n\r\nA puzzled expression ran riot over Judy''s face. "An ID ten \r\nT error? \r\nWhat''s that ... in case I need to fix it \r\nagain??"\r\n\r\nHe gave her a grin... ;-)\r\n\r\n"Haven''t you ever heard of an ID ten \r\nT error before?"\r\n\r\n"No," replied Judy.\r\n\r\n"Write it down," he \r\nsaid, "and I think you''ll figure it out."\r\n\r\n(She \r\nwrote...)\r\n\r\nI D 1 0 T');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (615, 'Computer jokes', 'Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for \r\nme...\r\n\r\nMy husband ran off with his secretary,\r\n\r\nMy son pierced \r\nhis eyebrow,\r\n\r\nMy daughter tattooed the bald spot on her \r\nhead,\r\n\r\nMy dog mated with the neighbors cat,\r\n\r\nMy neighbor sold her \r\nhouse to a mental institution,\r\n\r\nMy Mom told me I was \r\nadopted,\r\n\r\nMy Dad told me he''s gay,\r\n\r\nMy boss told me I was laid \r\noff,\r\n\r\nMy sister was arrested for prostitution,\r\n\r\nMy house has \r\ntermites,\r\n\r\nMy car was stolen,\r\n\r\nAll that came in the mail was \r\nbills,\r\n\r\nA plane, crash landed on my garage,\r\n\r\nOJ Simpson came to my \r\ndoor selling rug cleaner,\r\n\r\nAnd my TV blew.\r\n\r\nLord, please be \r\nwith me today. \r\n\r\nI was able to live through all that misery \r\nyesterday. \r\n\r\nAnd I will be able to make it through anything today! But \r\nplease....\r\n\r\nDON''T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY \r\nCOMPUTER!!!!!\r\n\r\nAMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th \r\n floor.\r\nSo, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for \r\nthe \r\nEnter....');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (616, 'Computer jokes', 'After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady \r\nrepute, the luckless \r\ncustomer unpacked his new toy and plugged it \r\nin to find it Dead On \r\nArrival. \r\n\r\nNaturally, after checking the \r\nusual things, he called the dealer and \r\nexplained his problem. First \r\nquestion from Deviously Evasive Dealer: \r\n"Did you check to see \r\nwhether the power was on?" \r\n\r\n"Of course." \r\n\r\nDED: "Did you open \r\nthe cover and check whether any of the boards had \r\nshaken loose in \r\nshipping?" \r\n\r\n"Of course." \r\n\r\nDED: Then why are you calling \r\nme?" \r\n\r\n"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of \r\nwarranty," \r\npleaded the frustrated purchaser. \r\n\r\n"Of course there \r\nis," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty \r\nwhen you opened \r\nthe cover."\r\nThere are two major products to come out of Berkeley: \r\nLSD and UNIX.\r\n\r\nWe don''t believe this to be a coincidence.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (617, 'Computer jokes', 'My computer made a funny sound the other \r\nday.\r\nOf course, I''ve never heard it get thrown out a window before.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (618, 'Computer jokes', 'Q. \r\nWhat creature has the best aptitude for \r\nengineering ?\r\n\r\nA. The spider -- It has its own website.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (619, 'Computer jokes', 'Jesus and Satan got into an \r\nargument over \r\nwhich of them was the better computer programmer. Finally \r\nGod got \r\ntired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a \r\ncontest \r\nbetween them. They each had four hours to write the best program \r\n\r\nthey could, and then God would decide the winner.\r\n\r\nWell, they both \r\ngot right down to business, and wrote lines and lines \r\nand lines of \r\ncode. But just before the four hours were up there was a \r\nflash of \r\nlightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights \r\nflickered, the \r\npower faltered, and both computer screens went dead.\r\n\r\nWhen power \r\nwas restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see \r\nthe \r\nresults of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed \r\n\r\nthe most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture \r\n\r\nand wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures \r\n-- \r\nall kinds of bells and whistles.\r\n\r\nGod asked Satan wha\r\n t he had created, but Satan said, "I''ve got \r\nnothing, absolutely \r\nnothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost \r\nit all \r\nwhen the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he \r\nstill \r\nhave such a great program?"\r\n\r\nGod replied, "Everybody knows -- \r\nJesus Saves."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (620, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What''s the \r\ndifference between a car \r\nsalesman and a computer salesman? A: The car \r\nsalesman can probably \r\ndrive!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (621, 'Computer jokes', 'As most technophiles are aware, there are \r\n\r\nspecial programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to \r\n\r\nperform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology \r\nWithout \r\nAn Interesting Name."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (622, 'Computer jokes', 'A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next \r\n\r\nto each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans \r\nover \r\nto the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. \r\nThe \r\nProgrammer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines \r\nand rolls over \r\nto the window to catch a few winks.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nEngineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot \r\nof \r\nfun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don''t know the \r\n\r\nanswer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don''t know \r\n\r\nthe answer, I''ll pay you $5." \r\n\r\nAgain, the Programmer politely \r\ndeclines and tries to get to sleep.The \r\nEngineer, now somewhat \r\nagitated, says, "OK, if you don''t know the \r\nanswer you pay me $5, and if \r\nI don''t know the answer, I''ll pay you $50!"\r\n\r\nThis catches the \r\nProgrammer''s attention, and he sees no end to this \r\ntorment unless \r\nhe plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the \r\nfirs\r\n t question: "What''s the distance from the earth to the moon?" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe Programmer doesn''t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls \r\n\r\nout a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer. \r\n\r\nNow, \r\nit''s the Programmer''s turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up \r\na \r\nhill with three legs, and comes down on four?" \r\n\r\nThe Engineer \r\nlooks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his \r\nlaptop computer \r\nand searches all of his references. He taps into the \r\nAirphone with \r\nhis modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. \r\n\r\nFrustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. \r\n\r\nAfter \r\nabout an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The \r\n\r\nProgrammer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to \r\n\r\nsleep. \r\n\r\nThe Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the \r\nProgrammer and asks \r\n"Well, so what''s the answer?" \r\n\r\nWithout a \r\nword, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the \r\nEngineer\r\n  a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (623, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What''s the \r\nbest way to accelerate a \r\nMac?\r\nA: 9.81 m/s2');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (624, 'Computer jokes', 'A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer \r\nscientist \r\nwere arguing about what was the oldest profession in the \r\nworld. The doctor \r\nremarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God \r\ncreated Eve from a rib \r\ntaken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so \r\nI can rightly claim \r\nthat mine is the oldest profession in the \r\nworld."\r\n\r\nThe civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in \r\nthe book \r\nof Genesis, it states that God created the order of the \r\nheavens and the \r\nearth from out of the chaos. This was the first and \r\ncertainly the most \r\nspectacular application of civil engineering. \r\nTherefore, fair doctor, \r\nyou are wrong; mine is the oldest profession \r\nin the world." \r\n\r\nThe computer scientist leaned back in his chair, \r\nsmiled, and said \r\nconfidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the \r\nchaos?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (625, 'Computer jokes', 'Comments made \r\nby Programmers when their \r\nprograms don''t work: \r\nStrange... \r\nI''ve never heard about that. \r\n\r\nIt did work yesterday. \r\nWell, the program needs some fixing. \r\n\r\nHow is this possible? \r\nThe machine seems to be broken. \r\nHas the \r\noperating system been updated? \r\nThe user has made an error again. \r\n\r\nThere is something wrong in your test data. \r\nI have not touched that \r\nmodule! \r\nYes yes, it will be ready in time. \r\nYou must have the \r\nwrong executable. \r\nOh, it''s just a feature. \r\nI''m almost ready. \r\n\r\nOf course, I just have to do these small fixes. \r\nIt will be done \r\nin no time at all. \r\nIt''s just some unlucky coincidence. \r\nI can''t \r\ntest everything! \r\nTHIS can''t do THAT. \r\nDidn''t I fix it already? \r\n\r\nIt''s already there, but it has not been tested. \r\nIt works, but \r\nit''s not been tested. \r\nSomebody must have changed my code. \r\n\r\nThere must be a virus in the application software. \r\nEven though i\r\n t does not work, how does it feel? \r\nHow come you didn''t find it \r\nduring the system testing? \r\nIt''s a setup problem. \r\nAnd the \r\nUltimate:\r\n\r\nA smart user would never do that!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (626, 'Computer jokes', 'One guy was on duty in the main lab \r\non a \r\nquiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one \r\nof \r\nthe workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring \r\n\r\nat the screen. \r\n\r\nAfter about 15 minutes he noticed that she was \r\nstill in the same \r\nposition only now she was impatiently tapping her \r\nfoot. \r\n\r\nHe asked if she needed help and she replied, It''s about \r\ntime! I pushed \r\nthe F1 button over twenty minutes ago!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (627, 'Computer jokes', 'Got this email from a friend: \r\n\r\nCanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (628, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "I''m running Windows ''95." \r\n\r\nTech: "Yes." \r\nCustomer: "My computer isn''t working now." \r\nTech: \r\n"Yes, you said that."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (629, 'Computer jokes', '- Why do you think I spend too much \r\ntime \r\nat my computer? \r\n\r\n- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close \r\nthe windows you answer \r\nwith "Please wait while your computer shuts \r\ndown"...');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (630, 'Computer jokes', '..... Ya see, we \r\nat Microsoft believe in \r\nmaking computing easier! What could be easier \r\nfor consumers than \r\nhaving only ONE choice of software?!?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (631, 'Computer jokes', 'I heard that \r\nif you play the Windows NT \r\n4.0 CD backwards, you''ll get a satanic \r\nmessage. But the most \r\nfrightening thing is that if you play it forward, it \r\ninstalls NT 4.0!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (632, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 \r\n\r\nand Windows 98? \r\n\r\nA: 3 years');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (633, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? \r\n\r\n\r\nA: He doesn''t. He declares darkness the industry standard.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (634, 'Computer jokes', 'What did \r\nBill Gate''s wife say to him on \r\ntheir wedding night?\r\n\r\nNo wonder you called the company \r\nMicrosoft');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (635, 'Computer jokes', 'One of Microsoft''s finest \r\ntechnicans was \r\ndrafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he \r\nwas given \r\nsome instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots \r\nat the \r\ntarget. The report came from the target area that all attempts \r\nhad \r\ncompletely missed the target.\r\n\r\nThe technician looked at his \r\nrifle, and then at the target. He looked \r\nat the rifle again, and then at \r\nthe target again. He put his finger over \r\nthe end of the rifle \r\nbarrel and squeezed the trigger with his other \r\nhand. The end of his \r\nfinger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the \r\ntarget area, \r\n"It''s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at \r\nyour end!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (636, 'Computer jokes', 'A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a \r\nBranch \r\nManager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving \r\ndown a steep \r\nmountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car \r\nfailed. The car careened \r\nalmost out of control down the road, bouncing \r\noff the crash barriers, \r\nuntil it miraculously ground to a halt \r\nscraping along the mountainside. \r\nThe car''s occupants, shaken but \r\nunhurt, now had a problem: they were \r\nstuck halfway down a mountain in a \r\ncar with no brakes. What were they to \r\ndo?\r\n\r\n"I know," said the \r\nBranch Manager, "Let''s have a meeting, propose a \r\nVision, formulate \r\na Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a \r\nprocess of \r\nContinuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, \r\nand we \r\ncan be on our way."\r\n\r\n"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That \r\nwill take far too long, \r\nand besides, that method has never worked \r\nbefore. I''ve got my Swiss \r\nArmy knife with me, and in no time a\r\n t all I can strip down the car''s \r\nbraking system, isolate the \r\nfault, fix it, and we can be on our way."\r\n\r\n"Well," said the Software \r\nEngineer, "Before we do anything, I think \r\nwe should push the car \r\nback up the road and see if it happens \r\nagain."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (637, 'Computer jokes', 'Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself \r\n\r\nface to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, \r\n\r\nI''m really confused on this one. It''s a tough decision; I''m not \r\nsure \r\nwhether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped \r\nsociety \r\nenormously by putting a computer in almost every home in \r\nAmerica, yet you \r\nalso created that ghastly Windows ''95 among other \r\nindiscretions. I \r\nbelieve I''ll do something I''ve never done before; \r\nI''ll let you decide \r\nwhere you want to go."\r\n\r\nBill pushed up \r\nhis glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you \r\nbriefly \r\nexplain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly \r\npuzzled, God \r\nsaid, "Better yet, why don''t I let you visit both places \r\nbriefly, \r\nthen you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, \r\n\r\nHeaven or Hell?"\r\n\r\nBill played with his pocket protector for a \r\nmoment, then looked back at \r\nGod and said, "I think I''ll try Hell f\r\n irst." So, with a flash of \r\nlightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill \r\nGates went to Hell.\r\n\r\nWhen he materialized in Hell, Bill looked \r\naround. It was a beautiful \r\nand clean place, a bit warm, with sandy \r\nbeaches and tall mountains, clear \r\nskies, pristine water, and beautiful \r\nwomen frolicking about. A smile \r\ncame across Bill''s face as he took \r\nin a deep breath of the clean air. \r\n"This is great," he thought, "if \r\nthis is Hell, I can''t wait to see \r\nheaven."\r\n\r\nWithin seconds \r\nof his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud \r\nof smoke \r\nappeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high \r\nabove the \r\nclouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps \r\nand \r\nsinging in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill \r\n\r\nthought, but not as enticing as Hell.\r\n\r\nBill looked up, cupped his hands \r\naround his mouth and yelled for God \r\nand Bill Gates was sent to Hell \r\nfor eternity.\r\n\r\nTime passed, and God decided to check on t\r\n he late billionaire to see \r\nhow he was progressing in Hell. When he \r\ngot there, he found Bill Gates \r\nshackled to a wall in a dark cave \r\namid bone thin men and tongues of fire, \r\nbeing burned and tortured by \r\ndemons.\r\n\r\n"So, how is everything going?" God asked.\r\n\r\nBill \r\nresponded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and \r\n\r\ndisappointment, "This is awful! It''s nothing like the Hell I visited the first \r\n\r\ntime!! I can''t believe this is happening! What happened to the other \r\n\r\nplace....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful \r\nwomen?\r\n\r\n"That was the demo," replied God.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (638, 'Computer jokes', 'A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill \r\nGates, the \r\nPope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together \r\n\r\ntraveling through stormy conditions.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, the pilot came running \r\nback to the passengers and announced \r\nthat lightning had hit the \r\nplane, and they were going to crash in a \r\nmatter of minutes. "There are \r\nonly enough parachutes for four of the five \r\nof us," he announced. \r\n"Since I''m the pilot, I get one!" After \r\nsaying this, the pilot \r\ngrabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.\r\n\r\n"I''m the world''s \r\ngreatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. \r\n"This world needs \r\ngreat athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then \r\ngrabbed a \r\nparachute and leaped out of the plane.\r\n\r\n"I''m the smarest man in the \r\nworld," bragged Bill Gates. "The world \r\nneeds smart men, so I must also \r\nlive!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute \r\nand jumped out of the \r\nplane.\r\n\r\nAt this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long\r\n  life \r\ncompared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will \r\ngo down with \r\nthe plane."\r\n\r\n"You don''t have to stay here! The \r\nworld''s smartest man jumped out of \r\nthe plane with my backpack."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (639, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What does a proud computer call his \r\n\r\nlittle son?\r\nA: A microchip off the old block.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (640, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What happens if you cross a \r\nmidget and \r\na computer?\r\nA: You get a short circut.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (641, 'Computer jokes', 'An office technician got a call from a \r\n\r\nuser. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She \r\n\r\ndescribed the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to \r\nbe \r\nbrought in and serviced.\r\n\r\nHe told her to "Unplug the power \r\ncord and bring it up here and I will \r\nfix it."\r\n\r\nAbout fifteen \r\nminutes later she shows up at his door with the power \r\ncord in her \r\nhand.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (642, 'Computer jokes', 'A person turned on the computer without a \r\n\r\nkeyboard plugged in.\r\n\r\nWhen she turns on the computer, the \r\ncomputer finds out that there is no \r\nkeyboard attached and it gives a \r\n"Keyboard Error" message.\r\n\r\nShe then asks "Why did it give me a \r\nkeyboard error?\r\n\r\nThere isn''t even a keyboard attached?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (643, 'Computer jokes', 'While trying to diagnose a \r\nproblem over \r\nthe phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.\r\n\r\nHe \r\nsaid it said "File not found".\r\n\r\nI told him to do a dir.\r\n\r\nI \r\nasked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.\r\n\r\nHe said, "Well it says \r\nautoexec, then there''s some spaces, but no \r\ndot, and then it says \r\nbat."\r\n\r\nI said type this in "type autoexec.bat".\r\n\r\nAgain he got \r\n"File not found".\r\n\r\nI asked him to tell me exactly what he \r\ntyped.\r\n\r\nHe said, "I typed just what you told me: `type \r\n\r\nautoexecdotbat''.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (644, 'Computer jokes', 'Webster''s Dictionary definition of Windows \r\n95\r\n\r\nWindows95: n. \r\n\r\n32 bit extensions and a graphical shell \r\nfor a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit \r\noperating system originally coded for \r\na 4 bit microprocessor, written \r\nby a 2 bit company, that can''t \r\nstand 1 bit of competition.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (645, 'Computer jokes', 'Why did \r\nthe school bully kick the \r\nclassroom computer?\r\nSomeone told him he was supposed to boot up the \r\nsystem.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (646, 'Computer jokes', 'The Three \r\nLaws of Secure \r\nComputing\r\n\r\n1) Don''t buy a computer.\r\n2) If you do buy a computer, don''t plug \r\nit in.\r\n3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (647, 'Computer jokes', 'Computers manufacturer is considering changing \r\n\r\nthe command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the \r\n\r\nflood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (648, 'Computer jokes', 'Technical support had a \r\ncaller complaining \r\nthat her mouse was hard to control with the dust \r\ncover on. The \r\ncover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was \r\npackaged in.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (649, 'Computer jokes', 'A technician received a call from a man \r\ncomplaining that the \r\nsystem wouldn''t read word processing files from his \r\nold diskettes. After \r\ntrouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed \r\nto diagnose the problem, \r\nit was found that the customer labeled the \r\ndiskettes then rolled them \r\ninto his typewriter to type the \r\nlabels.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (650, 'Computer jokes', 'A customer was asked to send a \r\ncopy of her \r\ndefective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a \r\nletter \r\narrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her \r\n\r\ndiskettes.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (651, 'Computer jokes', 'A technician advised his customer to put his \r\ntroubled floppy \r\nback in the drive and close the door. The customer \r\nput the disk in, asked \r\nthe tech to hold on, and was heard putting \r\nthe phone down, getting up \r\nand closing the door to his room.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (652, 'Computer jokes', 'A customer called to say he couldn''t get his \r\n\r\ncomputer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the \r\n\r\ntechnician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by \r\n\r\nholding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (653, 'Computer jokes', 'A customer \r\nneeded help setting up a new \r\nprogram, so the technician suggested he go \r\nto the local Egghead. \r\n"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man \r\nsaid. When told Egghead \r\nwas a software store, the man said, "Oh, I \r\nthought you meant for me \r\nto find a couple of geeks."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (654, 'Computer jokes', 'A customer called \r\nto complain that his \r\nkeyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by \r\nfilling up his tub \r\nwith soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, \r\nthen he \r\nremoved all the keys and washed them individually.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (655, 'Computer jokes', 'A \r\ntechnician received a call from a \r\ncustomer who was enraged because his computer \r\nhad told him he was "bad \r\nand invalid". The tech explained that the \r\ncomputer''s "bad" and \r\n"invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken \r\npersonally.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (656, 'Computer jokes', 'An exasperated caller to Tech Support \r\ncouldn''t get her new \r\ncomputer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was \r\nplugged in, the \r\ntechnician asked her what happened when she pushed \r\nthe power button. Her \r\nresponse "I pushed and pushed on this foot \r\npedal and nothing happens." \r\nThe "foot pedal" turned out to be the \r\ncomputer''s mouse.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (657, 'Computer jokes', 'Another customer called Tech Support to say \r\n\r\nher brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the \r\nunit, \r\nplugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something \r\nto \r\nhappen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power \r\nswitch, she \r\nasked "What power switch?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (658, 'Computer jokes', 'Many people in computer labs will assure \r\n\r\nyou, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything \r\n\r\ncorrectly, and it still wasn''t working, only to make you get up from your \r\nnice \r\ncomfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do \r\nit \r\nyourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the \r\nresponse is, \r\n"THAT''S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously \r\nnot.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (659, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: \r\n"How do I print my \r\nvoicemail?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (660, 'Computer jokes', 'Student: "Would it be possible to \r\ninstall \r\nArabic language support on those computers?" \r\nComputer Teacher: "In \r\norder to use Arabic language in Windows, you \r\nmust install an Arabic \r\ngraphic card. So I don''t think we could do \r\nthat."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (661, 'Computer jokes', 'Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?" \r\n\r\nCustomer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I''ve got the wrong software \r\n\r\ninstalled in my computer." \r\nTech Support: "Why is that, sir?" \r\n\r\nCustomer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded \r\n\r\nwith software called the ''XYZ Desktop''." \r\nTech Support: \r\n"Yes...?" \r\nCustomer: "Shouldn''t it be called the ''XYZ Minitower''? I \r\nOBVIOUSLY \r\nhave the wrong software installed in this computer."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (662, 'Computer jokes', 'Me: "What is that noise?" \r\nCustomer: "Hey \r\nMartinez!! I''m on the phone! Cut it out!" \r\nMe: "What was that?" \r\n\r\nBeep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: "It''s from a device." \r\n\r\nMe: "What kind of device?" \r\nCustomer: "I don''t know." \r\nMe: \r\n"Like a fax machine or something?" \r\nCustomer: "I don''t know. Someone \r\nis under house arrest or \r\nsomething."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (663, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive. \r\nClicking eject \r\ndoesn''t work." \r\nTech Support: "Ok, turn the \r\npower to your Mac off, hold down the mouse \r\nclicker, and power the Mac \r\nback up." \r\nCustomer: "Look, I don''t have three hands!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (664, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "Hi, I''m \r\nsupposed to pack [zip] \r\nmy database and send it to you. What should I \r\npack it in?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (665, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "I''ve been doing risk analysis by \r\nhand for \r\nfive years, and we finally got your program so we could do \r\nit \r\nautomatically -- but there''s a bug in it. The answers come out \r\ndifferently each \r\ntime." \r\nTech Support: "Sir, are you aware that \r\nour program uses Monte-Carlo \r\nanalysis?" \r\nCustomer: "Of course I \r\nam. That''s why I bought it." \r\nTech Support: "Sir, do you know what \r\nMonte-Carlo analysis does?" \r\nCustomer: "Don''t get rude with me, of \r\ncourse I do." \r\nTech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your \r\nproject several \r\ntimes, throwing random delays in, and at the end it \r\naverages out the \r\nresults." \r\nCustomer: "I know all that -- what I \r\nwant to know is why it keeps \r\ngiving me different answers every time \r\nI run it."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (666, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "Wait, that \r\npassword looks \r\nreally gray. I''m going to type it in again."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (667, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "Why didn''t you tell me I have \r\n\r\ncall waiting?" \r\nTech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you \r\nhave call \r\nwaiting." \r\nCustomer: "Well, you should ask everybody!" \r\n\r\nTech Support: "Do you have call waiting?" \r\nCustomer: "What''s \r\nthat?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (668, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: "It says I''ve performed an \r\n\r\nillegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something \r\n\r\nwrong?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (669, 'Computer jokes', 'Tech Support: "Which format are the images you \r\nsend?" \r\nCustomer: "Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (670, 'Computer jokes', 'A Software Engineer, a \r\nHardware Engineer and a Branch \r\nManager were on their way to a meeting. \r\nThey were driving down a \r\nsteep mountain road when suddenly the brakes \r\non their car failed. The \r\ncar careened almost out of control down the \r\nroad, bouncing off the \r\ncrash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a \r\nhalt scraping \r\nalong the mountainside. The car''s occupants, shaken but \r\nunhurt, now \r\nhad a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a \r\ncar with \r\nno brakes. What were they to do?\r\n\r\n"I know," said the Branch \r\nManager, "Let''s have a meeting, propose a \r\nVision, formulate a Mission \r\nStatement, define some Goals, and by a \r\nprocess of Continuous \r\nImprovement find a solution to the Critical Problems, \r\nand we can be on our \r\nway."\r\n\r\n"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far \r\ntoo long, \r\nand besides, that method has never worked before. I\r\n ''ve got my Swiss \r\nArmy knife with me, and in no time at all I can \r\nstrip down the car''s \r\nbraking system, isolate the fault, fix it, \r\nand we can be on our way."\r\n\r\n"Well," said the Software Engineer, \r\n"Before we do anything, I think \r\nwe should push the car back up the \r\nroad and see if it happens \r\nagain."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (671, 'Computer jokes', 'A caller, perplexed that his new desktop \r\ncomputer--the one that was \r\nsupposed to do everything short of bringing \r\non world peace - was doing \r\nnothing, cried out for help. No problem, \r\nthe IBM technician said. First, \r\nopen a "window" to launch a \r\nspecific program. The conversation \r\ncontinued, and the caller asked a few \r\nmoments later if it might be all right \r\nto close the window. Why, the \r\nIBM technician asked. Because, the caller \r\nresponded, it was getting \r\nvery chilly.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (672, 'Computer jokes', 'After a caller gave a technician her PC''s \r\n\r\nserial number, he scanned a database of registered users and \r\nresponded, \r\n"I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say \r\nanother \r\nword, the caller shrieked and said she''d be right back. When \r\nthe \r\ncustomer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. \r\nThe caller \r\nresponded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would \r\nhave telephoned \r\nin my bathrobe."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (673, 'Computer jokes', 'There are three engineers in a car; an \r\nelectrical \r\nengineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. \r\nSuddenly the car \r\njust stops by the side of the road, and the three \r\nengineers look at \r\neach other wondering what could be wrong.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nelectrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the \r\ncar \r\nand trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical \r\n\r\nengineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is \r\n\r\nbecoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.\r\n\r\nThen, the \r\nMicrosoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up \r\nwith \r\na suggestion, ''Why don''t we close all the windows, get out, get \r\n\r\nback in, open the windows again, and maybe it''ll work !?''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (674, 'Computer jokes', '"This \r\nlittle computer," said the sales \r\nclerk, "will do half of your job for \r\nyou." \r\n\r\nStudying the \r\nmachine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I''ll take \r\ntwo."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (675, 'Computer jokes', 'Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in \r\nan IT company.\r\n\r\nDuring the welcoming ceremony the boss says: \r\n"You''re all part of our \r\nteam now. You can earn good money here, and \r\nyou can go to the company \r\ncanteen for something to eat. So don''t \r\ntrouble the other employees."\r\n\r\nThe cannibals promise not to trouble \r\nthe other employees.\r\n\r\nFour weeks later the boss returns and says: \r\n"You''re all working very \r\nhard, and I''m very satisfied with all of \r\nyou. One of our cleaners has \r\ndisappeared however. Do any of you \r\nknow what happened to her?"\r\n\r\nThe cannibals disavow all knowledge of \r\nthe missing cleaner. After the \r\nboss has left, the leader of the \r\ncannibals says to the others: "Which \r\nof you idiots ate the \r\ncleaner?"\r\n\r\nA hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals \r\nsays: \r\n"You fool! For four weeks we''ve been eating Team Leaders, \r\nManagers, and \r\nProject Managers so no-one would notice anything, \r\n and you have to go \r\nand eat the cleaner!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (676, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to \r\n\r\nscrew in a light bulb?\r\nA: 1.99904274017, but that''s close \r\nenough for non-technical people.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (677, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC \r\n\r\nwith a research grant? \r\nA: A mad scientist.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (678, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What''s another name for the "Intel Inside" \r\n\r\nsticker they put on Pentiums? \r\nA: The warning label.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (679, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What do you call a series of FDIV \r\n\r\ninstructions on a Pentium? \r\nA: Successive approximations.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (680, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: Complete the following word analogy: \r\n\r\nAdd is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) \r\n\r\nOn a Pentium, all of the above \r\nA: Number 4.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (681, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the \r\nPentium''s \r\nfloating point divider? \r\nA: "Life is like a box of \r\nchocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of \r\nIntel)');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (682, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: Why didn''t Intel call the Pentium the \r\n586?\r\nA: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got \r\n\r\n585.999983605.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (683, 'Computer jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a constable with \r\na computer?\r\nPC Plod.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (684, 'Computer jokes', 'This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer \r\nload of \r\ncomputers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees \r\na big sign on the \r\ndoor saying:\r\n\r\n"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter \r\nAt Your Own Risk!"\r\n\r\nHe goes in and sits down. The bartender comes \r\nover to him.\r\n"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a \r\nliving?"\r\n\r\n"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I''m \r\n\r\nhauling."\r\n\r\n"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and \r\nserves him a beer. \r\nAs he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in \r\nwith tape around his \r\nglasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds \r\nof pens and pencils, and a \r\nbelt at least a foot too long. The \r\nbartender, without saying a word, \r\npulls out a shotgun and blows the guy \r\naway. The truck driver is totally \r\nshocked.\r\n\r\n"Why did you do \r\nthat?"\r\n\r\n"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley \r\nand are in \r\nseason now. You don''t even need a license."\r\n\r\n r\nThe truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and \r\nheads \r\nback onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, \r\nand the \r\nload shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill \r\nout all over \r\nthe freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already \r\nforming, grabbing up \r\nthe computers.They are all engineers, \r\naccountants, and programmers \r\nwearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever \r\nseen!\r\n\r\nHe can''t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what \r\nhappened \r\nin the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, \r\nfelling \r\nseveral of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes \r\nzooming up and \r\njumps out of the car screaming at him to \r\nstop.\r\n\r\n"What''s wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck \r\n\r\ndriver.\r\n"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can''t bait ''em!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (685, 'Computer jokes', 'A \r\ntech support employee once received a \r\ncall from a disgruntled lady who \r\nhad purchase one of their PCs. \r\n\r\n\r\n"The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put \r\n\r\nit in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all \r\nover \r\nme! I want a replacement!" \r\n\r\nThe employee was a little \r\nconfused and didn''t know what to say. He \r\nfinally asked her to \r\ndescribe the cup holder to him...he''d never heard of \r\nhis company \r\nselling in-computer cup holders. \r\n\r\nSo the lady went on to describe the \r\ncup holder to him. "Well, it pops \r\nout of the little box when I push \r\na button, and it has 40x written on \r\nit..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (686, 'Computer jokes', 'If Microsoft built cars you would need to \r\nrestart your car, \r\nthen it would perform illegal operations and \r\ncrash.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (687, 'Computer jokes', 'Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help \r\n\r\nyou?"\r\n\r\n"Yes, well, I''m having trouble with \r\nWordPerfect."\r\n\r\n"What sort of trouble?"\r\n\r\n"Well, I was just typing along, and all \r\nof a sudden the words went \r\naway."\r\n\r\n"Went away?"\r\n\r\n"They \r\ndisappeared."\r\n\r\n"Hmm. So what does your screen look like \r\nnow?"\r\n\r\n"Nothing."\r\n\r\n"Nothing?"\r\n\r\n"It''s blank; it won''t accept \r\nanything when I type."\r\n\r\n"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you \r\nget out?"\r\n\r\n"How do I tell?"\r\n\r\n"Can you see the C: prompt on \r\nthe screen?"\r\n\r\n"What''s a sea-prompt?"\r\n\r\n"Never mind. Can you \r\nmove the cursor around on the screen?"\r\n\r\n"There isn''t any cursor, \r\nI told you, it won''t accept anything I \r\ntype."\r\n\r\n"Does your \r\nmonitor have a power indicator?"\r\n\r\n"What''s a \r\nmonitor?"\r\n\r\n"It''s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it \r\n\r\nhave a little light that tells you when it''s on?"\r\n\r\n"I don''t\r\n  know."\r\n\r\n"Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find \r\nwhere the power \r\ncord goes into it. Can you see that?"\r\n\r\n"Yes, I \r\nthink so."\r\n\r\n"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if \r\nit''s plugged into \r\nthe wall."\r\n\r\n"... ...Yes, it \r\nis."\r\n\r\n"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two \r\n\r\ncables plugged into the back of it, not just \r\none?"\r\n\r\n"No."\r\n\r\n\r\n"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the \r\n\r\nother cable."\r\n\r\n"... ...Okay, here it is."\r\n\r\n"Follow it \r\nfor me, and tell me if it''s plugged securely into the back \r\nof your \r\ncomputer."\r\n\r\n"I can''t reach."\r\n\r\n"Uh huh. Well, can you see \r\nif it is?"\r\n\r\n"No."\r\n\r\n"Even if you maybe put your knee on \r\nsomething and lean way over?"\r\n\r\n"Oh, it''s not because I don''t have \r\nthe right angle - it''s because \r\nit''s \r\ndark."\r\n\r\n"Dark?"\r\n\r\n"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming i\r\n n \r\nfrom the window."\r\n\r\n"Well, turn on the office light \r\nthen."\r\n\r\n"I can''t."\r\n\r\n"No? Why not?"\r\n\r\n"Because there''s a \r\npower outage."\r\n\r\n"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we''ve got it \r\nlicked now. Do you \r\nstill have the boxes and manuals and packing \r\nstuff your computer came \r\nin?"\r\n\r\n"Well, yes, I keep them in the \r\ncloset."\r\n\r\n"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up \r\njust like it \r\nwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store \r\nyou bought it \r\nfrom."\r\n\r\n"Really? Is it that bad?"\r\n\r\n"Yes, \r\nI''m afraid it is."\r\n\r\n"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I \r\ntell them?"\r\n\r\n"Tell them you''re too stupid to own a computer."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (688, 'Computer jokes', 'What is an \r\nastronaut''s favorite key on a \r\ncomputer keyboard?\r\nThe space bar.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (689, 'Computer jokes', 'What happened when the computer fell on the \r\nfloor?\r\nIt slipped a disk.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (690, 'Computer jokes', 'Why was there a bug in the computer?\r\nIt was \r\nlooking for a byte to eat.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (691, 'Computer jokes', 'What is a computer virus?\r\nA terminal \r\nillness.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (692, 'Computer jokes', 'To err is human; but to really mess things up \r\n\r\nrequires a computer.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (693, 'Computer jokes', 'Computers are not intelligent.\r\nThey only \r\nthink they are.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (694, 'Computer jokes', 'Computers make very fast, very accurate \r\n\r\nmistakes.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (695, 'Computer jokes', 'My computer isn''t that nervous. It''s just a \r\nbit ANSI.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (696, 'Computer jokes', 'The \r\nattention span of a computer is as \r\nlong as its electrical cord.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (697, 'Computer jokes', 'Why do programmers always get Christmas and \r\n\r\nHalloween mixed up?\r\nBecause DEC 25 = OCT 31');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (698, 'Computer jokes', 'How do you keep a programmer in the shower \r\n\r\nall day?\r\nGive him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, \r\nrepeat."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (699, 'Computer jokes', 'A \r\nsystem programmer came home from work \r\nalmost at dawn and told his wife \r\nenthusiastically: "Tonight I have \r\ninstalled a new release of MVS/ESA \r\ntogether with VM/CMS and \r\nCICS/VS".\r\n"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (700, 'Computer jokes', 'Once a programmer drowned in the sea. \r\nMany \r\nMarines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was \r\n\r\nshouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (701, 'Computer jokes', 'The boy is smoking and \r\nleaving smoke rings \r\ninto the air.\r\nThe girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her \r\nlover: "Can''t \r\nyou see the warning written on the cigarettes \r\npacket, smoking is \r\ninjurious to health!"\r\n\r\nThe boy replies back: \r\n"Darling, I am a programmer. We don''t worry \r\nabout warnings, we only \r\nworry about errors."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (702, 'Computer jokes', 'Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in \r\n\r\nAtlantis?\r\nBecause it is below C level.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (703, 'Computer jokes', 'They say that the new super computer \r\nknows \r\neverything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is \r\n\r\nmy father?"\r\n\r\nThe computer bleeped for a short while, and then \r\ncame back with "Your \r\nfather is fishing in Michigan."\r\n\r\nThe \r\nskeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was \r\nnonsense. My \r\nfather has been dead for twenty years."\r\n\r\n"No", replied the super \r\ncomputer immediately. "Your mother''s \r\nhusband has been dead for \r\ntwenty years. Your father just landed a three pound \r\ntrout."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (704, 'Computer jokes', 'The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought \r\nyou a new \r\nbasketball."\r\n"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user''s \r\nguide?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (705, 'Computer jokes', 'The problem \r\nwith physicists is that they \r\ntend to cheat in order to get results.\r\n\r\nThe problem with \r\nmathematicians is that they tend to work on toy \r\nproblems in order to get \r\nresults.\r\n\r\nThe problem with program verifiers is that they tend to \r\ncheat at toy \r\nproblems in order to get results.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (706, 'Computer jokes', 'A software verifier read in the Bible \r\nthat \r\nGod protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He \r\n\r\njumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, \r\n\r\nand happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I \r\n\r\nnever knew I was THAT clever!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (707, 'Computer jokes', 'How many maintenance programmers does it take \r\n\r\nto change a light bulb?\r\nNone. They try to fix the old \r\none.\r\n"We looked at the light fixture and decided there''s no point trying \r\n\r\nto maintain it. We''re going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait \r\n\r\ntwo months?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (708, 'Computer jokes', 'How many C++ programmers does it take to \r\nchange a light \r\nbulb?\r\n"You''re still thinking procedurally! A properly \r\ndesigned light bulb \r\nobject would inherit a change method from a \r\ngeneric light bulb \r\nclass!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (709, 'Computer jokes', 'How many Java programmers does it take to \r\nchange a light bulb?\r\nOne, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the \r\nsocket.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (710, 'Computer jokes', 'How many \r\nIBM employees does it take to \r\nchange a light bulb?\r\nFifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document \r\nnumber GC7500439-001, \r\nMultitasking Incadescent Source System \r\nFacility, of which 10% of the \r\npages state only "This page intentionally \r\nleft blank".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (711, 'Computer jokes', 'How many \r\ntechnical writers does it take to \r\nchange a light bulb?\r\nJust one, provided there''s a programmer around \r\nto explain how to do \r\nit.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (712, 'Computer jokes', 'A confused caller was having troubles printing \r\n\r\ndocuments. He told the technician that the computer had said that \r\nit \r\n''''could not find the printer.'''' The user had even tried \r\nturning the \r\ncomputer screen to face the printerbut his computer still \r\ncould not \r\n''see'' the printer.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (713, 'Computer jokes', '"Do you turn on your computer with your left \r\nhand \r\nor your right hand?"\r\n" My right hand."\r\n" Amazing!Most \r\npeople have to use the on/off switch."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (714, 'Computer jokes', 'Computer \r\nhelpline?\r\nEverytime I log onto \r\nthe seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes \r\nsnow white....');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (715, 'Computer jokes', 'Customer: I think I''ve got a bug in my \r\ncomputer.\r\nRepairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?\r\nCustomer: \r\nYes.\r\nRepairman: Then it must be a humbug!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (716, 'Computer jokes', 'Helpline? I''ve just pushed a \r\npiece of \r\nbacon into my disk drive!\r\nHas the computer stopped working?\r\nNo, but \r\nthere''s a lot of crackling.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (717, 'Computer jokes', 'How do you stop your laptop batteries from \r\n\r\nrunning out?\r\nHide their trainers.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (718, 'Computer jokes', 'I''ve been on my computer all night!\r\nDon''t \r\nyou think you''d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone \r\n\r\nelse?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (719, 'Computer jokes', 'I''ve been sitting at this computer for hours \r\nand I haven''t seen a \r\nsingle website.\r\nThat''s because you''re \r\nsupposed to sit facing the screen.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (720, 'Computer jokes', 'Mum, Mum, \r\nDad''s broken my \r\ncomputer!\r\nHow did he do that?\r\nI dropped it on his head.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (721, 'Computer jokes', 'Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a \r\n\r\nchoice of computers to use.\r\nTeacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the \r\none we''ve got or don''t \r\nuse any at all.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (722, 'Computer jokes', 'Teacher: Look at the state of the school \r\n\r\ncomputer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in \r\nit!\r\nPupil: But then it will crack and we won''t be able to use it at \r\n\r\nall.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (723, 'Computer jokes', 'Teacher: Shall I put the school computer \r\non?\r\nPupil: No, Miss, the dress you''re wearing looks fine.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (724, 'Computer jokes', 'This computer \r\nyou charged me L950 for \r\ndoesn''t work....and you said it would be \r\ntrouble free.\r\nIt is, I \r\ncharged you L950 for the computer, but you''re getting all \r\nthat \r\ntrouble absolutely free!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (725, 'Computer jokes', 'Want to buy a pocket computer?\r\nNo, thanks, \r\nI already know how many pockets I''ve got.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (726, 'Computer jokes', 'What did one \r\nkeyboard say to the other \r\nkeyboard?\r\nSorry, you''re not my type.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (727, 'Computer jokes', 'What did one mouse say to the other \r\nmouse?\r\nI get a click out of you.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (728, 'Computer jokes', 'What did the mouse say to the \r\nwebcam?\r\nCheese.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (729, 'Computer jokes', 'What do computer experts do at weekends?\r\nGo \r\nfor a disk drive.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (730, 'Computer jokes', 'What do you do if your computer hums?\r\nTell \r\nit to change its socsks!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (731, 'Computer jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a computer \r\n\r\nwith a ballet dancer?\r\nThe Netcracker suite.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (732, 'Computer jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a computer with a \r\n\r\nhamburger?\r\nA big mac.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (733, 'Computer jokes', 'What do you get if you stuff your computer''s \r\ndisk drive \r\nwith herbs?\r\nA thyme machine.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (734, 'Computer jokes', 'What do you get if you take your computer to \r\nan ice \r\nrink?\r\nA slipped disk.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (735, 'Computer jokes', 'What''s the difference between your finger and \r\na \r\nhammer?\r\nI don''t know!\r\nWell, you''re not using my computer \r\nkeyboard then!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (736, 'Computer jokes', 'When do computers \r\ngo to sleep?\r\nWhen \r\nit''s internight.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (737, 'Computer jokes', 'Where does an elephant carry its laptop?\r\nIn \r\nits trunk.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (738, 'Computer jokes', 'Where is the best place to buy computer \r\nsoftware?\r\nWashington C.D');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (739, 'Computer jokes', 'Which football team to you need to connect up \r\nyour \r\ncomputer?\r\nLeeds.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (740, 'Computer jokes', 'Which kind of ink do you put in your \r\ncomputer''s printer? \r\nBlack, Red or Iced?\r\nIced Ink?\r\nWell, yes you do, \r\nbut I didn''t want to mention it.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (741, 'Computer jokes', 'Who holds up \r\nstagecoaches and steals \r\nlaptop computers?\r\nClick Turpin');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (742, 'Computer jokes', 'You''re spending a lot of time at that \r\n\r\ncomputer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?\r\nNo, they''ve always \r\nbeen blue!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (743, 'Computer jokes', 'Who sits on Cinderella''s \r\nkeyboard?\r\nButtons.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (744, 'Computer jokes', 'Would you like to buy a second-hand \r\ncomputer?\r\nI''m afraid not. I''m only able to type with one hand as it is.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (745, 'Computer jokes', 'Why \r\ndid the computer act crazy?\r\nIt had \r\na screw loose.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (746, 'Computer jokes', 'Why did the dish and spoon hide their \r\ncomputer?\r\nThe cat kept fiddling with i.t.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (747, 'Computer jokes', 'Why did the duck stick his leg into a \r\n\r\ncomputer?\r\nHe wanted to have webbed feet.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (748, 'Computer jokes', 'Why did the duck stick his leg into a \r\n\r\ncomputer?\r\nHe wanted to have webbed feet.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (749, 'Computer jokes', 'Why do computer teachers never get \r\n\r\nsick?\r\nBecause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (750, 'Computer jokes', 'Doctor, doctor, I keep \r\nthinking I''m a \r\ncomputer.\r\nMy goodness, you''d better come to my surgery right \r\naway!\r\nI can''t, my power cable won''t reach that far.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (751, 'Computer jokes', 'Doctor, doctor, I \r\nkeep thinking I''m a \r\nlaptop computer.\r\nYou''re just run down, let me give you some \r\nvitamins.\r\nNo, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (752, 'Computer jokes', 'Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?\r\nA. \r\nHe uses "windows".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (753, 'Computer jokes', 'Q: Which way did the programmer go?\r\nA: He \r\nwent DATA way!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (754, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What does an aardvark get when he \r\novereats?\r\nAnt-digestion!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (755, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What does an aardvark take for \r\nant-digestion?\r\nAnta-Seltzer!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (756, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Who''s the aardvark''s favorite female \r\nvocalist?\r\nBearbara Streis-ant!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (757, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Who''s aardvark''s favorite male \r\nsinger?\r\nFrank Sinostril!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (758, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What are the aardvark''s favorite Beatle''s \r\nsongs?\r\nIt''s Been an Aards Day''s Night and I Want to Hold Your \r\nAnt!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (759, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What''s worse than a giraffe with a sore \r\n\r\nthroat?\r\nAn aardvark with the sniffles!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (760, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What does an aardvark use when he has \r\na \r\ncold?\r\nAn ant-ihistamine!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (761, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What command does the aardvark give most often \r\n\r\nwhen he sails?\r\nSnout about!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (762, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What does the aardvark take sailing?\r\nAn \r\naard ark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (763, 'Aardvark jokes', 'How do ants hide from aardvarks?\r\nThey \r\ndisguise themselves as uncles!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (764, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants?\r\nThey \r\ncan stick to the subject!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (765, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Why was Easter the aardvark''s \r\nfavorite \r\nholiday?\r\nBecause he liked aard-boiled eggs!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (766, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and \r\nis very \r\nloud?\r\nA herd of stampeding aardvarks!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (767, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Where does the aardvark family always \r\ncome \r\nfirst?\r\nIn the phone book!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (768, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call a boxing match between two \r\n\r\naardvarks?\r\nA snout bout!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (769, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark that''s just won \r\n\r\na fight?\r\nA well ''aardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (770, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark that''s just lost \r\na \r\nfight?\r\nA vark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (771, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark that''s been \r\nthrown out of a \r\npub?\r\nA barredvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (772, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark outside \r\nBuckingham Palace?\r\nA guardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (773, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark in a frying \r\npan?\r\nA lardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (774, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call a pickled aardvark?\r\nA \r\njarredvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (775, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark that plays \r\npoker?\r\nA cardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (776, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call a thick-skinned \r\naardvark?\r\nA hardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (777, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark good with a light \r\nsaber?\r\nA darthvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (778, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark that writes \r\npoems?\r\nA bardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (779, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks \r\ncan''t?\r\nAardvarks don''t have trunks!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (780, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What did the aardvark say when he lost \r\nthe \r\nrace to the ant?\r\nIf you can''t beat ''em, eat ''em!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (781, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Who won the animal race?\r\nThe giraffe and \r\nthe aardvark were running neck and neck, but the \r\naardvark won by a \r\nnose!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (782, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Why does mama aardvark call her husband a \r\ncannibal?\r\nBecause he ate his ant for dinner!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (783, 'Aardvark jokes', 'When is an aardvark jumpy?\r\nWhen he''s got \r\nants in his pants!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (784, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Why do aardvarks make undesirable \r\nneighbors?\r\nBecause they always have their noses in other people''s \r\n\r\nbusiness!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (785, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call a three-footed aardvark?\r\nA \r\nyardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (786, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an road construction \r\naardvark?\r\nA tarredvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (787, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark astronaut?\r\nA \r\nstarredvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (788, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call an aardvark that''s good at \r\ngolf?\r\nA paredvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (789, 'Aardvark jokes', 'How many aardvarks can ride on an \r\nelephant?\r\nSix... three on the back and three in the trunk!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (790, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What did the \r\nimpatient waiter ask the \r\ngluttonous aardvark?\r\nIs that your final ant, sir!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (791, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What do you call a Polish aardvark?\r\nA \r\nPolaark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (792, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits \r\ntall in the \r\nsaddle?\r\nThe Lone Aardvark!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (793, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Who is the Lone Aardvark''s faithful Indian \r\n\r\ncompanion?\r\nTanto');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (794, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a \r\n\r\nfirework flashed across the sky. \r\n1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could \r\nfly like that. \r\n2nd aardvark: You would, if your tail was on fire.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (795, 'Aardvark jokes', 'I''ve got a new \r\naardvark. Would you like \r\nto play with him? I don''t really know. I''ve \r\nheard it growling, it \r\ndoesn''t sound very friendly. Does it bite? That''s \r\nwhat I want to \r\nfind out.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (796, 'Aardvark jokes', 'What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a \r\n\r\ntail? \r\nA man holding an aardvark.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (797, 'Aardvark jokes', 'A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked \r\n\r\nthrough the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly \r\n\r\nlady answered. \r\n"How much are your aardvarks?" he asked. \r\n\r\n"They''re L6 each," came the reply. \r\n"Did you raise them yourself?" \r\ninquired the man. \r\n"Oh yes," she said, "Yesterday they were only L5 \r\neach."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (798, 'Aardvark jokes', 'How do \r\nyou define an aardvark?\r\nAan \r\naanimal that resembles an aanteater!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (799, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Which aardvark holds the speed record?\r\nThe \r\nnearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a \r\n\r\nmotorcycle!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (800, 'Aardvark jokes', 'Did you hear about the household appliance \r\nthat eats ants and records \r\nTV shows?\r\nIt''s the VCRdvard');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (801, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why is it that at class reunions you \r\n\r\nfeel younger than everyone else looks?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (802, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Do vampires get AIDS?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (803, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why are \r\ncigarettes sold at gas \r\nstations when smoking is prohibited there?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (804, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Does \r\nkilling time damage \r\neternity?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (805, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How come it takes so little time for a \r\n\r\nchild who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to \r\nstay \r\nout all night?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (806, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Do vegetarians eat animal \r\n\r\ncrackers?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (807, 'Answer me this jokes', 'What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (808, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Have you ever imagined a world with no \r\n\r\nhypothetical situations?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (809, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why isn''t phonetic spelled the way it \r\n\r\nsounds?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (810, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How come wrong numbers are never \r\nbusy?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (811, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How long will a floating point operation \r\n\r\nfloat?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (812, 'Answer me this jokes', 'You know that little indestructible \r\nblack box that is used on \r\nplanes - why can''t they make the whole plane \r\nout of the same \r\nsubstance?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (813, 'Answer me this jokes', 'You know how most packages say "Open \r\nhere". What is the protocol \r\nif the package says, "Open somewhere \r\nelse"?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (814, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If a fly has no wings \r\nwould you call \r\nhim a walk?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (815, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How much deeper would the ocean be \r\nwithout \r\nsponges?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (816, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If CON is the opposite of PRO, is \r\n\r\ncongress the opposite of progress?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (817, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If fire fighters fight fire and crime \r\n\r\nfighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (818, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How many weeks \r\nare there in a light \r\nyear?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (819, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If love is blind, why is Lingerie so \r\n\r\npopular?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (820, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why are there flotation devices under \r\nplane seats instead of \r\nparachutes?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (821, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How does the guy who drives the snowplow \r\n\r\nget to work?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (822, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If you didn''t get caught, did you \r\nreally do it?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (823, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If \r\nyou try to fail, and succeed, \r\nwhich have you done?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (824, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why are there \r\ninterstates in \r\nHawaii?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (825, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Do you need a silencer if you are going \r\nto shoot a \r\nmine?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (826, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Is it ok to use my AM radio after \r\n\r\nNOON?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (827, 'Answer me this jokes', 'What color is a chameleon on a \r\nmirror?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (828, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If buttered toast always \r\nlands \r\nbuttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would \r\nhappen \r\nif you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and \r\n\r\ndropped it?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (829, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days \r\na year, why are \r\nthere locks on the doors?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (830, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Do fish get thirsty?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (831, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why don''t sheep shrink when it \r\n\r\nrains?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (832, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do \r\nthey make TEFLON stick to the \r\npan?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (833, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If you are driving at the speed of light \r\nand you turn on your \r\nhead-lights, what happens?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (834, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why is brassiere singular and panties \r\n\r\nplural?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (835, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If all the nations in the world are in \r\nthe debt, where did all the \r\nmoney go?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (836, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why do we drive on parkways when we park \r\n\r\non driveways?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (837, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why are they called apartments when they \r\nare all stuck \r\ntogether?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (838, 'Answer me this jokes', 'How does AVON find so many women willing \r\nto take orders \r\n?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (839, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If the world is getting smaller, why do \r\npostal rates keep going \r\nup?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (840, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Consider one of the most perplexing \r\nquestions of our time: Where do'' \r\nsolutions go when a candidate gets \r\nelected?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (841, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Don''t you just hate the blatant \r\n\r\nmaterialism surrounding Christmas? And aren''t you just dying to know what \r\nyou \r\ngot?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (842, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If a word in a dictionary were \r\nmisspelled, how would we \r\nknow?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (843, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If necessity is the mother of invention, \r\nwhy does so much unnecessary \r\nstuff get invented?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (844, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why is it that when you''re driving and \r\nlooking \r\nfor an address, you turn the radio down?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (845, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If olive oil comes from \r\nolives, \r\nwhere does baby oil come from?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (846, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Which of the Himalayas is the \r\n\r\nshortest?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (847, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If you tell a joke in the forest, but \r\nnobody laughs, was it a \r\njoke?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (848, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If we are a country committed to free \r\nspeech, then why do we have \r\nphone bills?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (849, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why does an inspiring sight like a \r\nsunrise always have to \r\ntake place at such an inconvenient time?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (850, 'Answer me this jokes', 'Why, if the best things in \r\nlife are \r\nfree, the next-best things are so expensive?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (851, 'Answer me this jokes', 'If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call \r\n\r\nit Fed UP?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (852, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why accountants don''t read \r\nnovels?\r\nBecause the only numbers in them are page numbers.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (853, 'Accountant jokes', 'A guy in a bar \r\nleans over to the guy \r\nnext to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant \r\njoke?"\r\n\r\nThe \r\nguy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you \r\nshould \r\nknow that I''m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I''m an accountant. And \r\n\r\nthe guy sitting next to me is 6''2" tall, 225 pounds, and he''s an \r\n\r\naccountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"\r\n\r\nThe \r\nfirst guy says, "No, I don''t want to have to explain it two \r\ntimes."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (854, 'Accountant jokes', 'If an accountant''s wife cannot sleep, what \r\ndoes she say?\r\n"Darling, could you tell me about your work."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (855, 'Accountant jokes', 'A 54-year-old \r\naccountant leaves a letter \r\nfor his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I \r\nam 54 years old, \r\nand by the time you get this letter I will be at the \r\nGrand Hotel \r\nwith my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."\r\n\r\nWhen he \r\narrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that \r\nread \r\nas follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time \r\n\r\nyou receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen \r\n\r\nyear old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely \r\n\r\nappreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into \r\n18."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (856, 'Accountant jokes', 'A \r\nbusiness owner tells her friend that \r\nshe is desperately searching for an \r\naccountant.\r\n\r\nHer friend \r\nasks, "Didn''t your company hire an accountant a short \r\nwhile \r\nago?"\r\n\r\nThe business owner replies, "That''s the accountant I''ve been \r\n\r\nsearching for."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (857, 'Accountant jokes', 'A young accountant spends a week at his new \r\n\r\noffice with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every \r\n\r\nmorning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens \r\nhis \r\ndesk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing \r\nsheet of \r\npaper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with \r\nrenewed vigor, \r\nreturns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins \r\nhis day''s work.\r\n\r\nAfter he retires, the new accountant can hardly \r\nwait to read for \r\nhimself the message contained in the envelope in \r\nthe drawer, particularly \r\nsince he feels so inadequate in replacing \r\nthe far wiser and more highly \r\nesteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks \r\nto himself, it must contain the \r\ngreat secret to his success, a \r\nwondrous treasure of inspiration and \r\nmotivation. His fingers tremble \r\nanxiously as he removes the mysterious \r\nenvelope from the drawer and \r\nreads the following message:\r\n\r\n"Debits in the column toward t\r\n he file cabinet.\r\nCredits in the column toward the window."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (858, 'Accountant jokes', 'Q: What is a Budget? A: An \r\norderly \r\nsystem for living beyond your means.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (859, 'Accountant jokes', 'How many accountants \r\ndoes it take to \r\nchange a light bulb?\r\n"What kind of answer did you have in \r\nmind?"\r\nTwo, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done \r\n\r\nwithin the given budget.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (860, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s the definition of an \r\naccountant?\r\nSomeone who solves a problem you didn''t know you had in a way you \r\n\r\ndon''t understand.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (861, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s the definition of a good tax \r\naccountant?\r\nSomeone who has a loophole named after him.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (862, 'Accountant jokes', 'When does a person decide to become an \r\n\r\naccountant?\r\nWhen he realises he doesn''t have the charisma to succeed \r\nas an \r\nundertaker.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (863, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why did God invent economists?\r\nSo \r\naccountants could have someone to laugh at.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (864, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s an actuary?\r\nAn accountant without \r\nthe sense of humour.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (865, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why do some accountants \r\ndecide to become \r\nactuaries?\r\nThey find bookkeeping too exciting.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (866, 'Accountant jokes', 'What do actuaries do to liven up \r\ntheir \r\noffice party?\r\nInvite an accountant.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (867, 'Accountant jokes', 'What does an accountant use for birth \r\n\r\ncontrol?\r\nHis personality.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (868, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s an extroverted accountant?\r\nOne \r\nwho looks at your shoes while he''s talking to you instead of his \r\n\r\nown.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (869, 'Accountant jokes', 'What do you call an accountant who is seen \r\ntalking to someone?\r\nPopular');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (870, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s the definition of unlikely?\r\nA \r\nphoto-spread in Playboy titled ''The World''s Top Accountants - \r\n\r\nNude!''.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (871, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s an accountant''s idea of trashing \r\nhis hotel room?\r\nRefusing to fill out the guest comment card.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (872, 'Accountant jokes', 'How do you drive an accountant completely \r\n\r\ninsane?\r\nTie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a \r\nroad map the \r\nwrong way.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (873, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s the most wicked thing a group of \r\nyoung accountants \r\ncan do?\r\nGo into town and gang-audit someone.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (874, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s the most wicked thing a \r\ngroup of \r\nyoung accountants can do?\r\nGo into town and gang-audit someone.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (875, 'Accountant jokes', 'What does an accountant say when \r\nyou ask \r\nhim the time?\r\nIt''s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no \r\nwait - 14 \r\nseconds, no wait......');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (876, 'Accountant jokes', 'The accountant''s prayer: Lord, help me be \r\nmore \r\nrelaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at \r\n10.53:16 am, \r\nEastern Daylight Saving Time.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (877, 'Accountant jokes', 'Conversation between two accountants at a \r\n\r\ncocktail party:\r\n".......and ninthly..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (878, 'Accountant jokes', 'What do accountants suffer from that \r\n\r\nordinary people don''t?\r\nDepreciation.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (879, 'Accountant jokes', 'What does it mean when an accountant is \r\ndrooling out of \r\nboth sides of his mouth?\r\nHis desk is level');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (880, 'Accountant jokes', 'How do you know accountants have no \r\nimagination?\r\nThey named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (881, 'Accountant jokes', 'There are three kinds of \r\naccountants in \r\nthe world.\r\nThose who can count and those who can''t.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (882, 'Accountant jokes', 'What do you call an accountant without a \r\n\r\nspreadsheet?\r\nLost');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (883, 'Accountant jokes', 'How can you tell when the Chief Accountant \r\nis getting soft?\r\nWhen he actually listens to Marketing before saying \r\nNo');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (884, 'Accountant jokes', 'When do \r\naccountants laugh out \r\nloud?\r\nWhen somebody asks for a raise');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (885, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why do accountants get excited on \r\n\r\nSaturdays?\r\nThey can wear casual clothes to work');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (886, 'Accountant jokes', 'How do you know when an \r\naccountant''s on \r\nholidays?\r\nHe doesn''t wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (887, 'Accountant jokes', 'What would Economics be without \r\nassumptions?\r\nAccounting');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (888, 'Accountant jokes', 'What does CPA stand for?\r\nCan''t Produce \r\nAnything');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (889, 'Accountant jokes', 'What does FCPA stand for?\r\nFinally Caught \r\nPinching the Assets');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (890, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why did the auditor cross the \r\n\r\nroad?\r\nBecause he looked in the file and that''s what they did last \r\n\r\nyear.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (891, 'Accountant jokes', 'Why did he cross back?\r\nSo he could charge \r\nthe client for travel expenses.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (892, 'Accountant jokes', 'How many auditors does it take to change a \r\n\r\nlight bulb?\r\nHow many did it take last year?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (893, 'Accountant jokes', 'How many cost accountants does it \r\ntake \r\nto change a light bulb?\r\nHmmm........I''ll just do a few numbers and \r\nget back to you');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (894, 'Accountant jokes', 'Laws of \r\nAccounting\r\n1. Trial balances \r\ndon''t\r\n2. Bank reconciliations never do\r\n3. Working Capital does \r\nnot\r\n4. Return on Investments never will');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (895, 'Accountant jokes', 'Who was the first accountant?\r\nAdam. He \r\ngot interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the \r\nfirst \r\nentry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly \r\naccounts \r\nand raised the first liability.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (896, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s a shy and retiring \r\n\r\naccountant?\r\nAn accountant who is half a million shy and that''s why he''s \r\n\r\nretiring.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (897, 'Accountant jokes', 'A businessman tells his friend that his \r\n\r\ncompany is looking for a new accountant.\r\nHis friend asks, "Didn''t \r\nyour company hire a new accountant a few \r\nweeks ago?"\r\nThe \r\nbusinessman replies, "That''s the accountant we''re looking \r\nfor."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (898, 'Accountant jokes', 'A businessman hires a private detective to \r\nfind a missing \r\naccountant.\r\nThe detective tells him that he needs \r\na description and asks a few \r\nquestions.\r\n"Was he tall or was he \r\nshort?"\r\nThe businessman replies, "Both!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (899, 'Accountant jokes', 'A Martian lands to plunder, \r\npillage and \r\nburn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and \r\nsays, \r\n"I''m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. \r\n\r\nWe''re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you \r\n\r\nthink about that?" \r\n\r\nThe owner replies, "I don''t have an \r\nopinion. I''m a chartered \r\naccountant."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (900, 'Accountant jokes', 'The accountant had just read the story of \r\nCinderella to his \r\nfour-year-old daughter for the first time. The \r\nlittle girl was fascinated \r\nby the story, especially the part where the \r\npumpkin turns into a golden \r\ncoach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, \r\nwhen the pumpkin turned into a \r\ngolden coach, would that be classed \r\nas income or a long-term capital \r\ngain?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (901, 'Accountant jokes', 'Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to \r\nhis young child:\r\n\r\n"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep \r\nthat wouldn''t be tax \r\ndeductible, but I like your thinking".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (902, 'Accountant jokes', 'Wife to husband as they watch their young \r\n\r\nson playing:\r\n\r\n"He''s such a sensitive child. Let''s wait until \r\nhe''s older before we \r\ntell him you''re an accountant."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (903, 'Accountant jokes', '"The auditors have just left, \r\n\r\nsir."\r\n\r\n"Did they check the books?"\r\n\r\n"Very thoroughly."\r\n\r\n"What \r\ndid they say?"\r\n\r\n"They want 15% to keep quiet."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (904, 'Accountant jokes', 'The doctor comes to see his heart \r\n\r\ntransplant patient.\r\n\r\n"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we \r\nhave two donors to \r\nchoose from for your new heart."\r\n\r\nThe patient \r\nis pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"\r\n\r\n"One was a teacher \r\nand the other was an accountant."\r\n\r\n"I''ll take the accountant''s \r\nheart," says the patient. "I want one \r\nthat hasn''t been used."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (905, 'Accountant jokes', 'The managing partner in an accounting firm \r\n\r\nis very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him \r\nin \r\nto chastise him.\r\n\r\n"How could you possibly advise the client \r\nin the way you did? That was \r\ncompletely unethical. We are always \r\nconscious of Ethics in this firm. \r\nYou do know what Ethics is don''t \r\nyou?"\r\n\r\nThe young partner is offended. "Of course I know what \r\nEthics is. It''s \r\na county in southern England."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (906, 'Accountant jokes', 'An auditor is checking the books of \r\nan \r\nairline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to \r\n\r\nCanberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an \r\nexplanation.\r\n\r\n"It was late at night''" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in \r\n\r\nfog and I lost my bearings."\r\n\r\n"I''m sorry," says the auditor, \r\n"but you''ll have to bear the cost \r\nyourself."\r\n\r\n"The cost of \r\nwhat?" asks the pilot.\r\n\r\n"Of the bearings you lost."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (907, 'Accountant jokes', 'An auditor was examining the balance sheet \r\n\r\nof a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the \r\nPilbara \r\narea of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was \r\npartly for \r\nthe thousands of acres that the station covered and partly \r\nfor the \r\nthousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of \r\nacres. The auditor, \r\nbeing very diligent, noted that the value of the \r\nsheep formed a \r\nsignificant asset and, like all good auditors, knew \r\nthat he would have to \r\nverify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and \r\nflew up to the station. The \r\nmanager was at the airstrip to meet \r\nhim.\r\n\r\n"Hello," he said. "I''m the auditor. I''ve come to count the \r\n\r\nsheep."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (908, 'Accountant jokes', 'Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large \r\nmanufacturing concern. \r\nEvery day, on arriving at work, he would \r\nunlock the top drawer of his \r\ndesk, peer at something inside, then \r\nclose and lock the drawer. He had \r\ndone this for 25 years. The entire \r\nstaff was intrigued but no-one was \r\ngame to ask him what was in the \r\ndrawer. Finally the time came for Mr \r\nEvans to retire. There was a \r\nfarewell party with speeches and a \r\npresentation. As soon as Mr Evans \r\nhad left the building some of the staff rushed \r\ninto his office, \r\nunlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the \r\nbottom of the \r\ndrawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is \r\nthe one nearest \r\nthe window."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (909, 'Accountant jokes', 'A business man was interviewing \r\n\r\napplicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to \r\n\r\nselect the most suitable person for the job. He asked each \r\napplicant the \r\nquestion, "What is two and two?"\r\n\r\nThe first interviewee \r\nwas a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."\r\n\r\nThe second was a \r\nsocial worker. She said, "I don''t know the answer \r\nbut I''m glad we \r\nhad time to discuss this important question."\r\n\r\nThe third \r\napplicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and \r\nshowed the answer \r\nto be between 3.999 and 4.001.\r\n\r\nThe next person was a lawyer. He \r\nstated that in the case of Jenkins v \r\nCommr of Stamp Duties (Qld), \r\ntwo and two was proven to be four.\r\n\r\nThe last applicant was an \r\naccountant. The business man asked him, "How \r\nmuch is two and \r\ntwo?"\r\n\r\nThe accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and \r\nclosed \r\nit then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk\r\n  and said in a \r\nlow voice, "How much do you want it to \r\nbe?"\r\n\r\nHe got the job.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (910, 'Accountant jokes', 'Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil \r\ncompany. \r\nAll day long she loved to run up and down the share price \r\nlist, laughing \r\nand skipping. But one day she was very sad, because \r\nshe couldn''t find \r\nan interim dividend anywhere and she knew people \r\nwould be very angry if \r\nshe couldn''t produce it.\r\n\r\n"What''s \r\nwrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.\r\n\r\nShe looked \r\naround and there was a funny little creature with \r\nspectacles, a \r\nbald patch and shaving cuts.\r\n\r\n"I can''t find a dividend," she said \r\nand started crying again.\r\n\r\n"Don''t worry," said the creature. "I \r\ncan find you one."\r\n\r\n"How?" said the oil company, "And who are \r\nyou?"\r\n\r\n"I''m an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you \r\nmind \r\nabout that. But there''s one condition. If I do find it for \r\nyou, you \r\nmust agree to let me stay with you."\r\n\r\n"Yes, yes!" she \r\nsaid, anxious only to get the dividend.\r\n\r\nThe accountant disap\r\n peared into some books nearby and stayed there for \r\na while. She \r\ncould hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring \r\naccounts. \r\nThen he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.\r\n\r\n"I''ve \r\nfound you a dividend," he said.\r\n\r\nHer usual cheerfulness returned \r\nin an instant and she rushed off to \r\ntell her father, the Chairman. \r\nShe forgot all about the accountant until \r\nhe followed her in and \r\nreminded her of her promise; despite all her \r\ntears, her father \r\ninsisted that she keep her word and that night the little \r\naccountant slept \r\non the floor beside her bed.\r\n\r\nThe next morning she opened her \r\neyes and to her amazement she saw the \r\naccountant was exactly the same \r\nas he had been before.\r\n\r\n"I know what you''re thinking," smiled \r\nthe accountant. "You''re \r\nquite right. Before I was changed into an \r\naccountant I was a handsome young \r\nman with a devil-may-care attitude \r\nand considerable joie de vivre."\r\n\r\n"Then change back!" said t\r\n he oil company, clapping her hands.\r\n\r\n"Are you crazy?" said the \r\naccountant. "Handsome young men are two a \r\npenny but clever, ugly \r\nlittle accountants are worth their weight in \r\ngold."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (911, 'Accountant jokes', 'There once was an accountant who lived her whole life \r\nwithout \r\never taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In \r\nfact, she \r\nmade sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win \r\nsituation.\r\n\r\nOne day while walking down the street she was \r\ntragically hit by a bus \r\nand she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where \r\nshe was met at the \r\nPearly Gates by St. Peter himself.\r\n\r\n"Welcome \r\nto Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in \r\nthough it \r\nseems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we''ve never \r\nonce \r\nhad an accountant make it this far and we''re not really sure what \r\n\r\nto do with you."\r\n\r\n"No problem, just let me in." said the \r\naccountant. "Well, I''d like \r\nto, but I have higher orders. What we''re \r\ngoing to do is let you have a \r\nday in Hell and a day in Heaven and then \r\nyou can choose whichever one \r\nyou want to spend an eternity in\r\n ." \r\n\r\n"Actually, I think I''ve made up my mind...I prefer to stay \r\nin \r\nHeaven" \r\n\r\n"Sorry, we have rules..."\r\n\r\nAnd with that \r\nSt. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went \r\n\r\ndown-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found \r\nherself \r\nstepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In \r\nthe \r\ndistance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her \r\n\r\nfriends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were \r\nall \r\ndressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.\r\n\r\nThey ran \r\nup and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old \r\n\r\ntimes.\r\n\r\nThey played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the \r\ncountry \r\nclub where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. \r\nShe met \r\nthe Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) \r\nand she had a \r\ngreat time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant \r\nwas having such a \r\ngood time that before she knew it, it was ti\r\n me to leave. Everybody \r\nshook her hand and waved goodbye as she got \r\non the elevator.\r\n\r\nThe elevator went up-up-up and opened back up \r\nat the Pearly Gates and \r\nfound St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it''s \r\ntime to spend a day in \r\nheaven."\r\n\r\nSo the accountant spent the \r\nnext 24 hours lounging around on clouds and \r\nplaying the harp and \r\nsinging. She had a great time and before she knew \r\nit her 24 hours \r\nwere up and St. Peter came and got her.\r\n\r\n"So, you''ve spent a day in \r\nhell and you''ve spent a day in heaven. \r\nNow you must choose your \r\neternity." \r\n\r\nThe accountant paused for a second and then replied, \r\n"Well, I never \r\nthought I''d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really \r\ngreat and all, but \r\nI think I had a better time in Hell."\r\n\r\nSo \r\nSt. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went \r\n\r\ndown-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened \r\nshe \r\nfound herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in \r\n garbage and \r\nfilth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and \r\nwere picking up the \r\ngarbage and putting it in sacks. \r\n\r\nThe \r\nDevil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don''t \r\nunderstand," \r\nstammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a \r\n\r\ngolf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had \r\n\r\na great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my \r\n\r\nfriends look miserable." \r\n\r\nThe Devil looked at her and smiled. \r\n"That''s because yesterday you \r\nwere a recruit, but today you''re \r\nstaff."\r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nAn \r\naccountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. \r\n\r\nThere are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. \r\nThey \r\nask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says \r\n"What \r\nis nine multiplied by four?"\r\n\r\nHe thinks quickly and \r\nsays "Thirty five." When the in\r\n terview is over \r\nhe goes outside, takes out his calculator and \r\nfinds the correct answer \r\nis not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew \r\nthat" and goes home very \r\ndisappointed.\r\n\r\nNext day he is rung up \r\nand told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he \r\nsays, "but what about \r\nnine multiplied by four? My answer wasn''t \r\nright"\r\n\r\n"We know, \r\nbut of all the candidates you came the closest."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (912, 'Accountant jokes', 'A man walking along a country road comes \r\n\r\nacross a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a \r\n\r\nwhile and then says, "Tell you what, I''ll bet you $100 against one \r\nof \r\nyour sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that \r\nflock."\r\n\r\nThe farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can''t \r\nsee how \r\nanyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You''re \r\non."\r\n\r\n"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.\r\n\r\nThe farmer \r\ntakes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don''t know \r\nhow you did \r\nit but that''s exactly right. A bet''s a bet. Take any \r\n\r\nsheep."\r\n\r\nThe man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer \r\n\r\nsays, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your \r\n\r\noccupation."\r\n\r\nThe man thinks, "How would he know, he''s never met \r\nme before" and \r\nsays "Righto. You''re on".\r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \r\n"You''re an auditor with a Big Four firm."\r\n\r\nThe man whistles\r\n . "How the heck did you know that?"\r\n\r\n"Well," says the farmer, \r\n"put my dog down and I''ll tell you."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (913, 'Accountant jokes', 'An \r\naccountant goes into a pet shop to \r\nbuy a parrot. The shop owner shows \r\nhim three identical parrots on a \r\nperch and says, "The parrot on the \r\nleft costs $500."\r\n\r\n"Why \r\ndoes that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.\r\n\r\n"Well," \r\nreplies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."\r\n\r\n"How much does \r\nthe middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.\r\n\r\n"That one costs \r\n$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can \r\ndo plus it \r\nknows how to prepare financial forecasts".\r\n\r\nThe startled accountant \r\nasks about the third parrot, to be told it \r\ncosts $4,000. Needless to \r\nsay, this begs the question, "What can it do?"\r\n\r\nTo which the \r\nowner replies "To be honest, I''ve never seen him do a \r\ndarn thing, but \r\nthe other two call him Senior Partner."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (914, 'Accountant jokes', 'Three partners \r\nin an accounting firm go \r\nout to lunch. They are the audit partner, the \r\ntax partner and the \r\nsenior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying \r\nin the gutter. \r\nCurious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a \r\ngenie \r\nappears.\r\n\r\n"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But \r\nseeing there \r\nare three of you, you can have one wish \r\neach."\r\n\r\n"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, \r\n\r\ngive me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for \r\n\r\never."\r\n\r\nPouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he \r\nis gone.\r\n\r\n"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook \r\nIslands, give \r\nme two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax \r\nschemes and leave \r\nme there for ever."\r\n\r\nPouf! There is a flash \r\nof light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.\r\n\r\nThe genie turns to the \r\nsenior partner. "And what do you want?"\r\n\r\n"I want those two ba\r\n ck in the office straight after lunch."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (915, 'Accountant jokes', 'An \r\ninternal auditor for a manufacturing \r\ngroup was concerned about anomalies in \r\nstock levels. He thought \r\nsomeone might be pinching stock but he \r\ncouldn''t prove it. He had his \r\neye on one shifty-looking individual who every \r\nday drove his old \r\ntruck out of the factory with the load covered by a \r\ntarpaulin. Time \r\nafter time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him \r\nremove the \r\ntarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there \r\nwas only \r\nscrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to \r\nthe \r\ntip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the \r\n\r\ntarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there \r\n\r\nmight be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never \r\nfind \r\nanything amiss.\r\n\r\nAfter a few months of this the auditor was \r\noffered a better job \r\nelsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he \r\nwas drinking in a pub when the \r\nshifty character walked in. On a\r\n n impulse the auditor went up to him and \r\nsaid, "Look, I''ve left \r\nthe company, I''m not interested in taking it \r\nany further and I \r\nwon''t shop you, but I just have to know. What were \r\nyou \r\ntaking?"\r\n\r\nAnd the bloke said "Tarpaulins."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (916, 'Accountant jokes', 'A young accountant, straight out \r\nof uni, \r\napplies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is \r\n\r\ninterviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from \r\n\r\nscratch.\r\n\r\n"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the \r\nman, "but \r\nmainly I''m looking for someone to do my worrying for \r\nme."\r\n\r\n"How do you mean?" says the accountant.\r\n\r\n"I have lots of \r\nthings to worry about, but I want someone else to \r\nworry about money \r\nmatters."\r\n\r\n"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you \r\noffering?"\r\n\r\n"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the \r\nowner.\r\n\r\n"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford \r\nto \r\npay so much?"\r\n\r\n"That," says the man, "is your first \r\nworry."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (917, 'Accountant jokes', 'The young accounting graduate, fresh out of \r\n\r\nuni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The \r\nprospective \r\nemployer asked him what starting salary he was looking \r\nfor.\r\n\r\n"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits \r\npackage."\r\n\r\n"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% \r\n\r\nsuperannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home \r\ntelephone \r\nreimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 \r\nkilometres, say a \r\nMercedes convertible."\r\n\r\nThe graduate sat up straight \r\nand tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are \r\nyou \r\nkidding?"\r\n\r\n"Yeah. But you started it."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (918, 'Accountant jokes', 'A tourist, visiting a small town in \r\n\r\nIsrael, came upon a statue dedicated \r\nto "The Unknown Soldier". At the \r\nbase of the statue, a sign was \r\ndisplayed: \r\n"Here lies Seymour \r\nRuthenberg".\r\nThe tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it \r\npossible an \r\nunknown \r\nhad a name.\r\nThe resident replied, "As a \r\nsoldier, that Seymour was pretty much \r\nunknown, \r\nbut as an \r\naccountant-Oy! He was something."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (919, 'Accountant jokes', 'Q: How many Accountants \r\ndoes it take to \r\nchange a light bulb? \r\nA: What sort of answer did you have in mind \r\n?\r\nA: None-just assume it''s changed.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (920, 'Accountant jokes', 'What''s an extroverted accountant?\r\nOne \r\nwho looks at your shoes while he''s talking to you instead of his \r\n\r\nown.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (921, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant who likes to be alone \r\n?\r\nAn independant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (922, 'Ant jokes', 'What kind of ant can you colour with ?\r\nA crayant \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (923, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes \r\n?\r\nAntteneye !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (924, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you get if you cross some ants with some \r\ntics ?\r\nAll sorts of antics !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (925, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant who skips school ?\r\nA \r\ntruant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (926, 'Ant jokes', 'Where do ants go for their holidays ?\r\nFrants \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (927, 'Ant jokes', 'What is smaller than an ant''s dinner ?\r\nAn \r\nant''s mouth !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (928, 'Ant jokes', 'How come if ants are always so busy they always get \r\n\r\ntime to show up at picnics ?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (929, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call a 100 year old ant ?\r\nAn antique \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (930, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant in space ?\r\nCosmonants & \r\nAstronants !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (931, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call a smart ant ?\r\nElegant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (932, 'Ant jokes', 'What kind of ants are very learned ?\r\nPedants \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (933, 'Ant jokes', 'Who was the most famous ant scientist ?\r\nAlbert \r\nAntstein !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (934, 'Ant jokes', 'What is even bigger than an elephant ?\r\nA giant \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (935, 'Ant jokes', 'How many ants are needed to fill an apartment \r\n?\r\nTen ants !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (936, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant who lives with your great \r\n\r\nuncle ?\r\nYour great-ant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (937, 'Ant jokes', 'What medicine would you give an ill ant \r\n?\r\nAntibiotics !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (938, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call a greedy ant ?\r\nAn anteater !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (939, 'Ant jokes', 'What kind of ant is good at maths ?\r\nAn \r\naccountant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (940, 'Ant jokes', 'What do you call an ant from overseas \r\n?\r\nImpartant');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (941, 'Ant jokes', 'Where do ants go to eat ?\r\nAt a restaurant !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (942, 'Apple jokes', 'What do you get if you cross an apple with a \r\n\r\nshellfish? \r\nA crab apple !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (943, 'Apple jokes', 'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to \r\neat \r\nthe apple.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (944, 'Apple jokes', 'Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school \r\nyard. One \r\nhad an apple and the other said, "Watch out for worms \r\nwon''t you!" The \r\nfirst one replied, "Why should I? They can watch out \r\nfor \r\nthemselves."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (945, 'Apple jokes', 'How do you get the most apples at Halloween? \r\n\r\nTake a snorkel.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (946, 'Apple jokes', 'Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he \r\npuffed, \r\n"is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" \r\n\r\n"That''s what they say," said his Dad. \r\n"Well, give me an apple quick ? \r\nI''ve just broken the doctor''s \r\nwindow!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (947, 'Apple jokes', 'School lunches are not generally popular with \r\n\r\nthose that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason. \r\n"What \r\nkind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy \r\n\r\nindignantly.\r\n"What''s it taste of ?" asked the cook. \r\n"Glue!" \r\n"Then it''s \r\napple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (948, 'Apple jokes', 'How do you \r\nmake an apple puff? \r\nChase it \r\nround the garden');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (949, 'Apple jokes', 'How does an apple a day keep the doctor \r\naway? \r\n\r\nWhen you take careful aim.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (950, 'Apple jokes', 'What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? \r\nAn \r\noutboard apple.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (951, 'Apple jokes', 'Once upon a time there were five apples \r\nWhich \r\nwas the cowboy? \r\nNone - because they were all redskins.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (952, 'Apple jokes', 'What can a whole apple do that half an apple \r\n\r\ncan''t do? \r\nIt can look round.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (953, 'Apple jokes', 'How do you make an apple turnover? \r\nPush it \r\ndown hill.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (954, 'Apple jokes', 'If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what \r\ndoes \r\nan onion do? \r\nKeeps everyone away.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (955, 'Apple jokes', 'Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? \r\n\r\nThe orchard''s on fire.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (956, 'Apple jokes', 'Two girls were having their packed lunch in \r\n\r\nthe school yard. One had an apple and the other said,\r\n''Watch out for \r\nworms won''t you !''\r\nThe first one replied, ''why should I ? They \r\ncan watch out for \r\nthemselves.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (957, 'Apple jokes', 'A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through \r\n\r\nnorthern California''s apple country. \r\n\r\nHe stopped at an orchard \r\nand asked the owner, "How much are yer \r\napples?" \r\n\r\n"All you \r\ncan pick for one dollar," said the rancher. \r\n\r\n"Okay," said the \r\nPennsylvanian. "I''ll take two dollars'' \r\nworth."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (958, 'Apple jokes', 'After a minor mathematical error on a routine \r\nreport, a worker''s boss \r\ntried to belittle him in front of his peers. \r\nAngrily she asked, "If \r\nyou had 4 apples and I asked for one, how \r\nmany would you have left?" \r\nQuickly he replied, "If it was you who \r\nasked, I''d still have 4 \r\napples."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (959, 'Apple jokes', 'Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his \r\norchard?\r\nSomeone told him he should get an apple Mac');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (960, 'Apple jokes', 'What kind of apple has a \r\nshort temper?\r\nA \r\ncrab apple.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (961, 'Apple jokes', 'What is the left side of an apple?\r\nThe part \r\nthat you don''t eat.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (962, 'Apple jokes', 'What kind of apple isn''t an apple?\r\nA \r\npineapple.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (963, 'Apple jokes', 'What did the apple say to the apple \r\npie?\r\n"You''ve got some crust."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (964, 'Apple jokes', 'What did the worm want to do when he grew \r\n\r\nup?\r\nHe wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (965, 'Apple jokes', 'Why don''t apples smile \r\nwhen you go bobbing \r\n?\r\nBecause they''re crab apples !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (966, 'Apple jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a jogger \r\nwith an \r\napple pie ?\r\nPuff pastry !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (967, 'Apple jokes', 'Why did Eve want to move to New York ?\r\nShe \r\nfell for the Big Apple !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (968, 'Apple jokes', 'What did the Gorilla do with the apple \r\nhe was \r\nholding in his hands?\r\nHe brought it to school and said, ''An Ape-lle \r\nfor the \r\nteacher!''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (969, 'Apple jokes', 'What''s the difference between a worm and an \r\napple ?\r\nHave you ever tried worm pie ?!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (970, 'Apple jokes', 'What reads and lives in an apple ?\r\nA bookworm \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (971, 'Apple jokes', 'If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples \r\nin the \r\norchard, how many hours would it take three pigs? \r\nNone, \r\nbecause the six pigs have already eaten them all.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (972, 'Aviation jokes', 'A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. \r\n\r\nDuring the meal service, he \r\naccidentally knocked the spoon off \r\nto the aisle with his elbow. The \r\nflight \r\nattendant immediately \r\ntook a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his \r\ntray table. The \r\nman was very impressed by the promptness of the service \r\nand \r\n\r\nasked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"\r\n\r\nThe \r\nflight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to \r\n\r\nevaluate \r\nour operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock \r\nthe spoon \r\noff \r\ntheir tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we \r\nall save trips to the \r\ngalley and can be much more \r\nefficient."\r\n\r\nLater, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the \r\n\r\ncustomer \r\nasked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string \r\nhanging from \r\nyour fly?"\r\n\r\nThe flight attendant replied, "The \r\nefficiency expert determined that \r\nwe \r\nwere spending too much t\r\n ime washing our hands after we went to the \r\nbathroom. To counteract \r\nthis, we tie strings to our penises."\r\n\r\nThe customer looked \r\nconfused. "How does that help?" he asked.\r\n\r\n"Well, when I go to the \r\nbathroom I just use the string. Since I never \r\ntouched myself I don''t \r\nneed to wash my hands."\r\n\r\nThe customer nodded and asked, "But how \r\ndo you get it back in your \r\npants?"\r\n\r\nThe flight attendant \r\nsmiled, "I don''t know about the other guys, but \r\nI use \r\nthe \r\nspoon."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (973, 'Aviation jokes', 'A young lady was conducting a study in to \r\nhuman sexual \r\nbehavior. She came \r\nto the conclusion that the best \r\nplace to find participants for the \r\nsurvey \r\nwould be the airport. \r\nAfter three hours of questioning passengers, she \r\nsees a pilot walking \r\nto his gate. Having heard of the reputation of \r\npilots \r\nshe stops \r\nhim "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on \r\nhuman \r\n\r\nsexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." \r\n\r\nThe \r\npilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. \r\nAfter three \r\nquestions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you \r\nhad sex?". \r\nStraight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was \r\nshocked. She \r\nlooks \r\nat the captain and asks "1959 isn''t that a \r\nlong time ago?". "Oh" \r\nthe pilot \r\nreplies "I guess so...but it''s \r\nonly 2015 now..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (974, 'Aviation jokes', 'The Captain was \r\nJewish, and the new First \r\nOfficer was Chinese. It was the \r\nfirst time they had flown together, \r\nand it was obvious by the silence \r\nthat \r\nthey didn''t get \r\nalong.\r\n\r\nAfter 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don''t \r\nlike \r\nChinese. "\r\n\r\nThe F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? \r\nWhy is that? " \r\n\r\nThe Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. \r\nThat''s why I don''t like \r\nChinese. "\r\n\r\nThe F.O. said, " Nooooo, \r\nnoooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That \r\nJAPANESE, not Chinese. \r\n"\r\n\r\nAnd the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... \r\nit \r\ndoesn''t \r\nmatter. They''re all alike. "\r\n\r\nAnother 30 \r\nminutes of silence.\r\n\r\nFinally the First Officer said, " No like Jew. \r\n"\r\n\r\nThe Captain replied, " Why not? Why don''t you like Jews? \r\n"\r\n\r\n" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.\r\n\r\nThe Captain tried to \r\ncorrect him, " No, no. The Jews didn''t sink the \r\nTitanic. It \r\n was an iceberg. "\r\n\r\n" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah \r\n.. all same "');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (975, 'Aviation jokes', 'An \r\nemployee of USAir with the last name of \r\nGay boarded a USAir flight with \r\na free travel voucher. Soon after \r\nhe sat down, someone else came and \r\nclaimed he had the same seat \r\nassignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an \r\nempty \r\nseat. Soon after that \r\nthe airplane began to fill up. The rule with the \r\nUSAir employee \r\nvouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, \r\nyou \r\nhave to \r\nsurrender it. So when the flight became completely full and \r\nstill \r\n\r\nmore needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat \r\nof \r\nMr.\r\nGay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are \r\nyou Gay?'''' \r\nThe \r\nman, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a \r\nmatter of fact I am!'''' \r\nThe \r\nflight attendant said, "I''m sorry, \r\nbut you''ll have to get off the \r\nplane.'''' \r\nAt this point Mr. \r\nGay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and \r\nsaid, "Excuse \r\nme, you''ve made a mistake--I''m Gay!'''' Finally, \r\nanother m\r\n an \r\njumped up and said, "Well, hell, I''m gay too! They can''t \r\nthrow us \r\nall \r\noff!''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (976, 'Aviation jokes', 'During the heat of the space race in the \r\n1960''s, the U.S. \r\nNational \r\nAeronautics and Space Administration \r\ndecided it needed a ballpoint pen \r\nto \r\nwrite in the zero gravity \r\nconfines of its space capsules. After \r\nconsiderable research and \r\ndevelopment, the Astronaut Pen was developed \r\nat \r\na cost of about $1 \r\nmillion U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some \r\nmodest success as a \r\nnovelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, \r\nfaced with the \r\nsame problem, used a pencil.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (977, 'Aviation jokes', 'Southwest Airlines makes humor a high \r\n\r\npriority. Here are some \r\nactual humorous statements by airline flight \r\ncrews: \r\n\r\n"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is \r\nshining, \r\nand the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where \r\nit`s \r\ndark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there \r\nI \r\ncan`t imagine." \r\n\r\n"As we prepare for takeoff, please make \r\nsure your tray tables and \r\nseat backs are fully upright in their most \r\nuncomfortable position." \r\n\r\n"Your seat cushions can be used for \r\nfloatation, and in the event of \r\nan emergency water landing, please \r\ntake them with our compliments." \r\n\r\n"We do feature a smoking section \r\non this flight; if you must smoke, \r\ncontact a member of the flight \r\ncrew and we will escort you to a seat \r\noutside on the wing of the \r\nairplane." \r\n\r\n"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person \r\ncaught smoking \r\nin the lavatories will be asked to leave the p\r\n lane immediately." \r\n\r\n"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, \r\nbut there are only 4 \r\nways out of this airplane..." \r\n\r\n"If you \r\nare so lucky to be traveling with small children..." \r\n\r\nFlight \r\nattendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into \r\nthe \r\nbuckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, \r\nand \r\n\r\nif you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out \r\nin \r\npublic unsupervised. \r\n\r\nIn the event of a sudden loss of \r\ncabin pressure, oxygen masks will \r\ndescend from the ceiling. Stop \r\nscreaming, grab the mask, and pull it \r\nover your face. If you have a \r\nsmall child traveling with you, secure \r\nyour mask before assisting with \r\ntheirs. If you are traveling with two \r\nsmall children, decide now \r\nwhich one you love more." \r\n\r\n"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen \r\nmasks will drop from the \r\noverhead area. Please place the bag over \r\nyour own mouth and nose before \r\nassisting children or adults ac\r\n ting like children." \r\n\r\nPilot: "We are pleased to have some of \r\nthe best flight attendants \r\nin the industry...Unfortunately none of \r\nthem are on this flight...! \r\n\r\nPilot: "Folks, we have reached our \r\ncruising altitude now, so I am \r\ngoing to switch the seat belt sign \r\noff. Feel free to move about as you \r\nwish, but please stay inside the \r\nplane till we land... it`s a bit cold \r\noutside, and if you walk on \r\nthe wings it affects the flight pattern." \r\n\r\nAt the end of a flight: \r\n"Our flight attendants are now walking \r\nthrough the aisles with \r\ntrash receptacles for any garbage you might \r\nhave \r\nor anything else \r\nthat you might wanna give us!" \r\nAs the plane landed and was coming to \r\na stop at Washington \r\nNational, a lone voice comes over the \r\nloudspeaker: \r\n"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" \r\n\r\n"As you exit the plane, \r\nplease make sure to gather all of your \r\nbelongings. Anything left \r\nbehind will be distributed evenly among the \r\nflight attendants. Pl\r\n ease do not leave children or spouses." \r\n\r\n"Last one off the \r\nplane must clean it."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (978, 'Aviation jokes', 'Delta Airlines recently \r\nintroduced a \r\nspecial half-fare rate for wives \r\naccompanying their husbands on business \r\ntrips. Anticipating some \r\nvaluable testimonials, the publicity \r\ndepartment of the airline sent out \r\nletters to all the wives of \r\nbusinessmen who used the special rates, \r\nasking how they enjoyed their trip. \r\nResponses are still pouring in \r\nasking, "What trip?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (979, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airline stewardess was giving the standard \r\n\r\nsafety briefing to the \r\npassengers. She had just finished saying \r\n''In the event of a water \r\nlanding, \r\nyour seat cushion may be \r\nused as a flotation device,'' when a man \r\nremarked, "Hey! If the plane \r\ncan''t fly, why should I believe the seat \r\ncan \r\nfloat?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (980, 'Aviation jokes', 'At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters \r\nall of ticket \r\nagents were \r\ndoing their best to politely process \r\neach passenger as quickly as they \r\ncould. A man toward the end of the \r\nsnaking line of passengers was \r\nobviously impatient and very \r\nfrustrated at having to wait so long in \r\nthe \r\nslow moving line. He \r\nfinally decided to march right up to the counter \r\npulling his wheeled \r\nsuitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding \r\npass. The ticket \r\nagent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, \r\ndeep breath \r\nand said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers \r\nahead \r\nof \r\nyou. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we \r\n\r\ncan. I''m afraid you''ll have to get back in line". Outraged and red \r\n\r\nin the \r\nface, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you \r\nknow who I \r\nam ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, \r\nblinked, took \r\nanother \r\nshallow, deep breath, picked up the publi\r\n c address system microphone \r\nand \r\nsaid calmly, "There is a man \r\nat the Delta ticket counter who does not \r\nknow \r\nwho he is. Anyone \r\nwho may be able to identify this man is asked to \r\nplease \r\nstep \r\nforward and identify him. Thank you".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (981, 'Aviation jokes', 'A mother and her son were \r\nflying \r\n"Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to\r\nChicago. The son (who had been looking \r\nout the window) turned to his\r\nmother and said, "If big dogs have baby \r\ndogs and big cats have baby \r\ncats,\r\nwhy don''t big planes have \r\nbaby planes?" The mother (who couldn''t \r\nthink of\r\nan answer) told \r\nher son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the\r\nstewardess, "If \r\nbig dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, \r\nwhy\r\ndon''t \r\nbig planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your\r\nmother \r\ntell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the\r\nstewardess \r\nsaid, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on\r\ntime."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (982, 'Aviation jokes', 'Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson \r\n\r\nMandela are in an airplane with \r\n20 kids. The airplane gets a failure \r\nand is doomed to crash. The plane \r\nhas\r\nonly 20 parachutes. Nelson \r\nMandela, as a great humanitarian says that \r\nchildren should have \r\nthem. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, \r\n"SCREW\r\nTHE CHILDREN!!" \r\nMichael Jackson''s face lights up and he shouts, \r\n"YES, \r\nYES!! \r\nBut do we have enough time?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (983, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airplane was losing altitude \r\nover the \r\nRocky Mountains. The pilot over\r\nthe intercom said that the entire \r\nluggage needed to be thrown overboard\r\nif they were to \r\nsurvive.\r\n\r\n\r\nAfter all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so \r\nthey\r\nasked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and \r\nsaid, \r\n"Viva\r\nla France." Next a preacher went to the door and said, \r\n"Lord forgive \r\nme\r\nfor what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle \r\nrancher said, "Well\r\nguess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two \r\nMexicans and tossed \r\nthem\r\nout and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (984, 'Aviation jokes', 'There were three guys in an \r\nairplane. One \r\nguy dropped\r\na rock, another dropped a brick, and the last \r\ndropped\r\na grenade.\r\n\r\nWhen they got back on the ground they were \r\nwalking\r\ndown the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the \r\ngentlemen \r\nthey are they went up to ask her why she was\r\ncrying she said "A rock \r\nfell from the sky, landed on my\r\ncat and now my cat is dead." The men \r\nsaid they were very\r\nsorry to here that and walked away.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nnext house they came across a little further down\r\nthe road there was \r\nanother woman crying. Being the \r\ngentlemen they are they walk up to \r\nher and asked her why\r\nshe was crying she said "A brick fell from the \r\nsky, land-\r\ned on my dog , and now my dog is dead." The men said \r\n\r\nthey were very sorry to hear that and walked away.\r\n\r\nThe next \r\nhouse they came across a little further\r\ndown the road there was a man \r\nlaughing his head off.\r\nWondering what was so funny they went up\r\n  to ask him.\r\nAfter they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get \r\n\r\nthe news paper this morning , I farted and my whole \r\nhouse blew \r\nup!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (985, 'Aviation jokes', 'No flight ever leaves on time unless you are \r\nrunning \r\nlate and need the\r\ndelay to make the flight.\r\n\r\nIf you \r\nare running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest\r\ngate \r\nwithin the terminal.\r\n\r\nIf you arrive very early for a flight, it \r\ninevitably will be delayed.\r\n\r\nFlights never leave from Gate #1 at \r\nany terminal in the world.\r\n\r\nIf you must work on your flight, you \r\nwill experience turbulence as soon \r\nas\r\nyou touch pen to paper. Or \r\nstart to drink your coffee.\r\n\r\nIf you are assigned a middle seat, \r\nyou can determine who has the seats \r\non\r\nthe aisle and the window \r\nwhile you are still in the boarding area. Just\r\nlook for the two \r\nlargest passengers.\r\n\r\nOnly passengers seated in window seats ever have \r\nto get up to go to the\r\nlavatory.\r\n\r\nThe crying baby on board is \r\nalways seated next to you.\r\n\r\nThe best-looking woman/man on your \r\nflight is never seated next to you.\r\n\r\nThe less carry-on luggag\r\n e space available on an aircraft, the more\r\ncarry-on luggage \r\npassengers will bring aboard.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (986, 'Aviation jokes', 'One day at a busy \r\nairport, the passengers \r\non a commercial\r\nairliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to \r\nshow\r\nup so they can get underway. \r\n\r\nThe pilot and copilot \r\nfinally appear in the rear of the plane,\r\nand begin walking up to the \r\ncockpit through the center aisle. \r\n\r\nBoth appear to be blind. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right\r\nand \r\nleft as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using\r\na guide \r\ndog. Both have their eyes covered with huge\r\nsunglasses.\r\n\r\nAt \r\nfirst the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be\r\nsome sort \r\nof practical joke. However, after a few minutes the\r\nengines start \r\nrevving and the airplane starts moving down the\r\nrunway.\r\n\r\nThe \r\npassengers look at each other with some uneasiness,\r\nwhispering among \r\nthemselves and looking desperately to the\r\nstewardesses for \r\nreassurance.\r\n\r\nThen the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people\r\n  begin\r\npanicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane \r\ngets\r\ncloser and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are \r\nbecoming\r\nmore and more hysterical. \r\n\r\nFinally, when the airplane has \r\nless than 20 feet of runway left,\r\nthere is a sudden change in the \r\npitch of the shouts as everyone\r\nscreams at once, and at the very last \r\nmoment the airplane lifts\r\noff and is airborne.\r\n\r\nUp in the \r\ncockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and\r\nturns to the pilot: \r\n"You know, one of these days the passengers\r\naren''t going to scream, \r\nand we''re gonna get killed!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (987, 'Aviation jokes', 'A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. \r\n\r\nAfter it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made \r\nan \r\nannouncement over the intercom,\r\n\r\n"Ladies and gentlemen, \r\nthis is your captain speaking. Welcome to \r\nFlight Number 293, nonstop \r\nfrom New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead \r\nis good and \r\ntherefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now \r\nsit back and \r\nrelax - OH MY GOD!"\r\n\r\nSilence.\r\n\r\nThen, the captain came back \r\non the intercom and said,\r\n"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I \r\nscared you earlier, but \r\nwhile I was talking, the flight-attendant \r\nbrought me a cup of coffee and \r\nspilled the hot coffee in my lap. You \r\nshould see the front of my pants!"\r\n\r\nA passenger in Coach said, \r\n"That''s nothing. You should see the back \r\nof mine!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (988, 'Aviation jokes', 'An award should go to the United Airlines gate \r\nagent in \r\nDenver for being smart and funny, and making her point, \r\nwhen confronted \r\nwith a passenger who probably deserved to fly as \r\ncargo. During the final \r\ndays at Denver''s old Stapleton airport, a \r\ncrowded United flight was \r\ncanceled.\r\n\r\nA single agent was rebooking \r\na long line of inconvenienced travelers. \r\nSuddenly, an angry \r\npassenger pushed his way to the desk.\r\n\r\nHe slapped his ticket down on the \r\ncounter and said, "I HAVE to be on \r\nthis flight and it has to be \r\nFIRST CLASS."\r\n\r\nThe agent replied, "I''m sorry sir. I''ll be happy to \r\ntry to help you, \r\nbut I''ve got to help these folks first, and I''m \r\nsure we''ll be able \r\nto work something out."\r\n\r\nThe passenger \r\nwas unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers \r\nbehind him \r\ncould hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"\r\n\r\nWithout hesitating, \r\nthe gate agent smiled and grabbed her public \r\naddress microp\r\n hone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her \r\nvoice \r\nbellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the \r\n\r\ngate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his \r\n\r\nidentity, please come to gate 17."\r\n\r\nWith the folks behind him in \r\nline laughing hysterically, the man glared \r\nat the United agent, \r\ngritted his teeth and swore "F--- you."\r\n\r\nWithout flinching, she smiled \r\nand said, "I''m sorry, sir, but you''ll \r\nhave to stand in line for \r\nthat, too."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (989, 'Aviation jokes', 'A man named Mr. Smith was \r\nflying from San \r\nFrancisco to LA. \r\nUnexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along \r\nthe way. The flight \r\nattendant explained that there would be a \r\ndelay, and if the passengers \r\nwanted to get off the aircraft, the plane \r\nwould re-board in 30 minutes. \r\nEverybody got off the plane except one \r\ngentleman who was blind. Mr. \r\nSmith had noticed him as he walked by \r\nand could tell the blind man had \r\nflown before because his Seeing \r\nEye dog lay quietly underneath the seats \r\nin front of him throughout \r\nthe entire flight. \r\n\r\nMr. Smith could also tell he had flown this \r\nvery flight before because \r\nthe pilot approached him, and calling him \r\nby name, said Keith, we''re \r\nin Sacramento for almost an hour. Would \r\nyou like to get off and stretch \r\nyour legs?" \r\n\r\nKeith replied, \r\n"No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his \r\nlegs". \r\n\r\n\r\nNow, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to \r\n a complete \r\nquiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot \r\nwalk off the \r\nplane with the Seeing Eye dog! \r\n\r\nThe pilot was \r\neven wearing sunglasses. \r\n\r\nPeople scattered. They not only tried \r\nto change planes, but they were \r\ntrying to change airlines!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (990, 'Aviation jokes', 'Fred and his wife Edna went to the state \r\n\r\nfair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I''d like to ride in \r\n\r\nthat there airplane." And \r\nevery year Edna would say, "I know \r\nFred, but that airplane ride costs \r\nten dollars, and ten dollars is \r\nten dollars." \r\n\r\nOne year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred \r\nsaid, "Edna, I''m 71 \r\nyears old. If I don''t ride that airplane this \r\nyear I may never get \r\nanother chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there \r\nairplane ride costs ten \r\ndollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." \r\n\r\n\r\nThe pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I''ll make you a \r\ndeal. \r\nI''ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the \r\nentire \r\nride and not say one word, I won''t charge you, but if you \r\nsay one word \r\nit''s ten \r\ndollars." \r\n\r\nFred and Edna agreed \r\nand up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists \r\nand turns, rolls \r\nand dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his \r\ntricks over\r\n  again, but still not a word. \r\n\r\nThey land and the pilot turns to \r\nFred, "By golly, I did everything \r\ncould think of to get you to yell \r\nout, but you didn''t." \r\n\r\nFred replied, "Well, I was gonna say \r\nsomething when Edna fell out, but \r\nten dollars is ten dollars."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (991, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airline pilot wrote that on this \r\n\r\nparticular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. \r\n\r\nThe airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at \r\n\r\nthe door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks \r\nfor \r\nflying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he \r\nhad a \r\nhard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that \r\nsomeone \r\nwould have a smart comment, but no one seemed \r\nannoyed.\r\n\r\nFinally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking \r\n\r\nwith a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, \r\nmind \r\nif I ask you a question?" \r\n\r\n"Why no Ma''am, what is \r\nit?"\r\n\r\n"Did we land or were we shot down?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (992, 'Aviation jokes', 'A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool \r\n\r\non the aviation frequencies.\r\n\r\nThis was his first time \r\napproaching a field during the nighttime, and \r\ninstead of making any \r\nofficial requests to the tower, he said, "Guess \r\nwho?"\r\n\r\nThe \r\ncontroller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess\r\nwhere!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (993, 'Aviation jokes', 'A student was heading home for the holidays. \r\nWhen she got to \r\nthe airline counter, she presented her ticket to New \r\nYork. As she gave \r\nthe agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I''d \r\nlike you to send my \r\ngreen suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase \r\nto London."\r\n\r\nThe confused agent said, "I''m sorry, we can''t do \r\nthat."\r\n\r\n"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because \r\nthat''s \r\nexactly what you did to my luggage last year!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (994, 'Aviation jokes', 'Brendan had spent a week \r\nvisiting his \r\nfamily in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old \r\nnephew went \r\nwith him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his \r\nseat \r\nnumber with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his \r\n\r\nrelatives and stated that he''d have to wait an additional three hours in \r\n\r\nthe airport. \r\n\r\n"How come?," his nephew asked.\r\n\r\n"My plane \r\nhas been grounded," Brendan explained.\r\n\r\n"Grounded?" the little boy \r\nsaid. "I didn''t know planes had \r\nparents."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (995, 'Aviation jokes', 'Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the \r\nother day, a \r\npassenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was \r\nkept lit during the \r\nwhole journey although the flight was a \r\nparticularly smooth one.\r\n\r\nJust before landing, he asked the stewardess \r\nabout it.\r\n\r\n"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 \r\nUniversity of \r\nCalifornia girls going to Los Angeles for the \r\nweekend.\r\n\r\n"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you \r\n\r\ndo?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (996, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airline pilot was scheduled to take a \r\nflight from New York to Los \r\nAngeles. The weather was too bad in New York \r\nto allow his usual on time \r\ndeparture. The weather in New York \r\nfinally cleared and the pilot asked \r\nfor\r\nhis departure clearance. He \r\nwas very dismayed to hear that he had \r\nanother delay due to the \r\nincreased traffic now leaving New York.\r\n\r\nSometime later he finally \r\nreceived his clearance and decided he would \r\ntry to make up the time \r\nlost by asking for a direct route to Los \r\nAngeles. Halfway across the \r\ncountry he was told to turn due South. Knowing \r\nthat this turn would \r\nnow throw him further behind schedule he inquired, \r\n\r\nquite\r\nagitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The \r\n\r\ncontroller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.\r\n\r\nThe pilot \r\nwas infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am \r\n\r\nalready way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me\r\n  \r\ntoday. I really don''t see how I could be causing a noise problem \r\nfor\r\npedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"\r\n\r\nThe \r\ncontroller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you \r\n\r\nhave\r\nnever heard two 747''s collide!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (997, 'Aviation jokes', 'Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this \r\n\r\nannouncement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to \r\n\r\ninform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will \r\nshortly \r\ncrash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very \r\nworried about \r\nthis situation, but were somewhat comforted by the \r\ncaptain''s next \r\nannouncement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa \r\nhave prepared for \r\nsuch an emergency, and we would now like you to \r\nrearrange your seating so \r\nthat all the non-swimmers are on the left \r\nside of the plane, and all \r\nthe swimmers are on the right side." \r\n\r\nAfter this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to \r\n\r\ncomply with the captain''s request. Two minutes later, the captain \r\nmade \r\na belly landing in the ocean. \r\nThe captain once again made \r\nan announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we \r\nhave crashed into the \r\nocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of \r\nthe plane, open you\r\n r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the \r\nplane. For all of \r\nthe non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You \r\nFor Flying \r\nLufthansa."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (998, 'Aviation jokes', 'The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport \r\n\r\nwere often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your \r\n\r\nparking location but how to get there without any assistance from \r\nthem. So \r\nit was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to \r\nthe following \r\nexchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways \r\n747 (radio call \r\nSpeedbird 206) after landing. \r\nSpeedbird 206: \r\n"Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the \r\nactive." \r\n\r\nGround: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." \r\nThe British Airways 747 \r\npulls onto the main taxiway and stops. \r\nGround: "Speedbird, do you not \r\nknow where you are going?" \r\nSpeedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I''m \r\nlooking up the gate location \r\nnow." \r\nGround (with typical German \r\nimpatience): "Speedbird 206, have you \r\nnever flown to Frankfurt \r\nbefore?" \r\nSpeedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn''t stop."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (999, 'Aviation jokes', 'From a \r\nSouthwest Airlines employee: "There \r\nmay be 50 ways to leave your \r\nlover, but there are only 4 ways out \r\nof this aircraft..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1000, 'Aviation jokes', 'Pilot says: \r\n"Folks, we have reached our \r\ncruising altitude now, so I am going to \r\nswitch the seat belt sign \r\noff. Feel free to move about as you wish, but \r\nplease stay inside the \r\nplane till we land...it''s a bit cold outside, and \r\nif you walk on \r\nthe wings it affects the flight pattern."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1001, 'Aviation jokes', 'United \r\nAirlines FA: "Ladies and \r\nGentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our \r\nCaptain has landed in \r\nSeattle. From all of us at United Airlines we''d \r\nlike to thank you for \r\nflying with us today and please be very careful \r\nas you open the \r\noverhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage \r\nthat shifted \r\nduring our so called "touch down."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1002, 'Aviation jokes', 'From the pilot during his welcome message: \r\n\r\n"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the \r\n\r\nindustry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1003, 'Aviation jokes', 'Another flight \r\nAttendant''s comment on a \r\nless than perfect landing: "We ask you to \r\nplease remain seated as \r\nCaptain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1004, 'Aviation jokes', 'An \r\nairline pilot wrote that on this \r\nparticular flight he had hammered his \r\nship into the runway really hard. \r\nThe airline had a policy which \r\nrequired the first officer to stand \r\nat the door while the passengers exited, \r\nsmile, and give them a \r\n"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that \r\nin light of his bad \r\nlanding, he had a hard time looking the passengers \r\nin the eye, thinking \r\nthat someone would have a smart comment. Finally, \r\neveryone had \r\ngotten off except for this little old lady walking with a \r\ncane. She \r\nsaid, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, \r\nMa''am," said \r\nthe pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did \r\nwe land or \r\nwere we shot down?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1005, 'Aviation jokes', 'After a real crusher of a landing in \r\n\r\nPhoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, \r\n\r\nplease remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought \r\n\r\nthe aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the \r\n\r\ntire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we''ll \r\nopen the \r\ndoor and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the \r\n\r\nterminal."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1006, 'Aviation jokes', 'Part of a Flight Attendant''s arrival \r\nannouncement: "We''d like to \r\nthank you folks for flying with us today. \r\nAnd, the next time you get the \r\ninsane urge to go blasting through the \r\nskies in a pressurized metal \r\ntube, we hope you''ll think of us here \r\nat US Airways."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1007, 'Aviation jokes', 'Overheard on an American Airlines flight into \r\n\r\nAmarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the \r\n\r\nfinal approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an \r\n\r\nextremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and \r\nannounced, \r\n"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain \r\nin your seats \r\nwith your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis \r\nwhat''s left of our \r\nairplane to the gate!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1008, 'Aviation jokes', 'It was mealtime on a small airline and the \r\n\r\nflight attendant asked the passenger if he would like \r\ndinner.\r\n\r\n"What are my choices?" he asked.\r\n\r\n"Yes or No," she replied.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1009, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airplane pilot dies at the controls. \r\n\r\nHe goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the ''newly arrived'' area. \r\n\r\nThere are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot \r\nthat \r\nhe is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil \r\nhas to \r\ntake care of something first, and disappears.\r\n\r\nThe \r\ncurious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going \r\n\r\nthrough flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, \r\n\r\nand he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve \r\n\r\nemergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain \r\nbeing \r\nwaited on hand and foot by scantily-clad \r\nstewardesses.\r\n\r\nThe devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. \r\n\r\nHe offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot \r\nsays, \r\n"I wanted door number three!"\r\n"Sorry," replies the devil, \r\n"that''s ''flight attendant''s \r\nhell''."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1010, 'Aviation jokes', 'How does the captain know the aircraft is \r\nsafely at the ramp?\r\nBoth the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1011, 'Aviation jokes', 'After the first \r\ntakeoff of the fully \r\nautomatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, \r\nreassuring voice \r\nof the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your \r\nautomatic pilot. \r\nIn my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is \r\nabsolutely \r\nimpossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, \r\n..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1012, 'Aviation jokes', 'As the airliner was preparing to land in \r\n\r\nMadrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. \r\n\r\n"What''s the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.\r\n\r\n"Surely," \r\nsaid the Englishman, "you''ve heard the saying, ''The \r\nplanes in \r\nSpain fall mainly in the rains!!''"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1013, 'Aviation jokes', 'While cruising at 40,000 \r\nfeet, the \r\nairplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. \r\n"Good lord!" he \r\nscreamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"\r\n\r\nOther passengers \r\nleft their seats and came running over; suddenly the \r\naircraft was \r\nrocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on \r\nthe other \r\nside.\r\n\r\nThe passengers were in a panic now, and even the \r\nstewardesses couldn''t \r\nmaintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling \r\nconfidently, the \r\npilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone \r\nthat there was \r\nnothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor \r\nseemed made most of the \r\npassengers feel better, and they sat down as \r\nthe pilot calmly walked to \r\nthe door of the aircraft. There, he \r\ngrabbed several packages from under \r\nthe seatsand began handing them to \r\nthe flight attendants. Each crew \r\nmember attatched the package to \r\ntheir backs.\r\n\r\n"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren''t tho\r\n se parachutes?"\r\n\r\nThe pilot said they were.\r\n\r\nThe passenger \r\nwent on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to \r\nworry \r\nabout?"\r\n\r\n"There isn''t," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \r\n\r\n"We''re going to get help."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1014, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airplane was flying from LA to New York. \r\nAbout an \r\nhour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an \r\nengine, \r\nbut don''t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 \r\nhours \r\nit will take 7 hours to get to New York." \r\n\r\nA little later, the \r\npilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we \r\nstill have two \r\nleft. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New \r\n\r\nYork."\r\n\r\nSomewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A \r\n\r\nthird engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a \r\n\r\nsingle engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new \r\nYork."\r\n\r\nAt this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don''t lose that \r\n\r\nlast engine, or we''ll be up here forever!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1015, 'Aviation jokes', 'Taxiing down the tarmac, \r\nthe jetliner \r\nabruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. \r\nAfter an \r\nhour-long wait, it finally took off.\r\n\r\nA concerned passenger asked \r\nthe flight attendant, "What was the \r\nproblem?"\r\n\r\n"The pilot was \r\nbothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained \r\nthe flight \r\nattendant, "and it took us a while to find a new \r\npilot."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1016, 'Aviation jokes', 'A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a \r\nlanding at an airport \r\nthey had never been to before. The pilot \r\nlooked out the windshield, and \r\nsuddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: \r\n"Holy cow! Look how short the runway \r\nis! I''ve never seen one that \r\nshort!"\r\n\r\nThe co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you''re right! \r\nThat''s \r\nincredible! Are you sure we can make it?"\r\n"Well we \r\nbetter, we''re almost out of fuel."\r\n\r\nSo the captain got on the \r\nintercom, and notified the passengers to put \r\ntheir heads between their \r\nknees, and prepare for an emergency landing. \r\nThen he set the flaps to \r\nfull down, and slowed the plane to just over \r\nstall speed. The big \r\njumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of \r\ncontrol. The \r\npilot''s hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.\r\n\r\nThey touched \r\ndown, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge \r\nof the \r\nrunway, the tires smoking.\r\n\r\n"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the \r\n captain. "That runway was SHORT!"\r\n"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and \r\nWIDE too!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1017, 'Aviation jokes', 'A young guy in a two-engine fighter was \r\nflying \r\nescort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a \r\nhotdog, \r\nflying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog \r\nsaid over the \r\nair, "Anything you can do, I can do better."\r\n\r\nThe \r\nveteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."\r\nThe B-52 \r\ncontinued its flight, straight and level.\r\n\r\nPerplexed, the hotdog asked, \r\n"So? What did you do?"\r\n"I just shut down two engines, kid."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1018, 'Aviation jokes', '"Flight 1234, for noise \r\nabatement turn \r\nright 45 degrees.."\r\n"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise \r\ncan we make up \r\nhere?"\r\n"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 \r\nmakes when it hits a \r\n727?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1019, 'Aviation jokes', 'Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student \r\npilot, I am out of \r\nfuel."\r\nTower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce \r\nairspeed to best glide!! Do you \r\nhave the airfield in \r\nsight?!?!!"\r\nCessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where \r\n\r\nthe fuel truck is."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1020, 'Aviation jokes', 'A man telephoned an airline office in New \r\nYork \r\nand asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"\r\nThe clerk \r\nsaid, "Just a minute..."\r\n"Thank you," the man said and hung up.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1021, 'Aviation jokes', 'A man walks up to the \r\ncounter at the \r\nairport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.\r\n\r\n"I want a round trip \r\nticket," says the man.\r\n\r\n"Where to?" asks the agent.\r\n\r\n"Right \r\nback to here."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1022, 'Aviation jokes', 'How many pilots does it take to change a \r\nlight \r\nbulb?\r\nNone, it is done by the automatic pilot.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1023, 'Aviation jokes', 'Pilot: Tower, please call me \r\na fuel \r\ntruck. \r\nTower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1024, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: Shamu two-two, please \r\nstate \r\nestimated time of arrival. \r\nPilot: Ok, let''s see..., I think Tuesday \r\nwould be nice...');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1025, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: \r\nHave you got enough fuel or \r\nnot?\r\nPilot: Yes. \r\nTower: Yes what??\r\nPilot: Yes, SIR!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1026, 'Aviation jokes', 'LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check \r\n\r\nTower: It''s Thursday, Sir.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1027, 'Aviation jokes', 'Pilot: Tower, there''s a runway light \r\nburning. \r\nTower: I''m sure there must be dozens of lights \r\nburning.\r\nPilot: Sorry, I mean it''s smoking.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1028, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: Lufthansa 893, you''re \r\nnumber one, \r\ncheck for workers on the taxiway. \r\nPilot: Roger ..... We''ve \r\nchecked, they''re all working.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1029, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: \r\nMission triple-three, do you have \r\nproblems? \r\nPilot: I think, I have lost my compass.\r\nTower: Judging \r\nthe way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument \r\npanel..');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1030, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: Cannot read you, say again! \r\nPilot: \r\nAgain!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1031, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: What''s your heigth and \r\nposition?\r\nPilot: Well, I''m 6 foot tall and I''m sitting front left.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1032, 'Aviation jokes', 'Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft \r\n\r\ndeclaring emergency about two hours ago ?\r\nPilot: Negativ, Sir. \r\nIt''s only the same pilot.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1033, 'Aviation jokes', '"Should the cabin \r\nlose pressure, oxygen \r\nmasks will drop from the overhead area. Please \r\nplace the bag over \r\nyour own mouth and nose before assisting children or \r\nother adults \r\nacting like children."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1034, 'Aviation jokes', 'USAir recently introduced a special \r\nhalf \r\nfare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. \r\n\r\nExpecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to \r\n\r\nall the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking \r\nhow \r\nthey enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, \r\n"What \r\ntrip?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1035, 'Aviation jokes', 'Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student \r\npilot, I am out of \r\nfuel."\r\nTower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce \r\nairspeed to best glide!! Do you \r\nhave the airfield in \r\nsight?!?!!"\r\nPilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where \r\n\r\nthe fuel truck is."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1036, 'Aviation jokes', 'As migration approached, two elderly vultures \r\n\r\ndoubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by \r\n\r\nairplane.\r\n\r\nWhen they checked their baggage, the attendant \r\nnoticed that they were \r\ncarrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check \r\nthe raccoons through \r\nas luggage?" she asked. \r\n\r\n"No, thanks," \r\nreplied the vultures. "They''re carrion."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1037, 'Aviation jokes', 'A military cargo plane, flying over a \r\n\r\npopulated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot \r\ntries \r\nto pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. \r\nSo he \r\nyells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the \r\nplane \r\nlighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts \r\nthe pilot. So \r\nthey throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They \r\nheave out a \r\nmissile, and the pilot regains control.\r\n\r\nHe pulls \r\nout of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into \r\na jeep \r\nand drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the \r\nroad \r\nwho''s crying. They ask him why he''s crying and he says "A pistol \r\n\r\nhit me on the head!"\r\n\r\nThey drive more and meet another boy who''s \r\ncrying even harder. Again \r\nthey ask why and the boy says, "A rifle \r\nhit me on the head!"\r\n\r\nThey apologize and keep driving. They meet a \r\nboy on the sidewalk who''s \r\nlaughing hysterically. They ask h\r\n im, "Kid, what''s so funny?" The boy \r\nreplies, "I sneezed and a \r\nhouse blew up!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1038, 'Aviation jokes', 'A small two-seater Cessna \r\n152 plane \r\ncrashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central \r\nPoland. Polish \r\nsearch and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far \r\nand \r\nexpect that number to climb as digging continues into the \r\nevening.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1039, 'Aviation jokes', 'On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised \r\nto see a parrot strapped \r\nin next to him. He asks the stewardess for \r\na coffee where upon the \r\nparrot squawks "And get me a whisky you \r\ncow!" The stewardess, flustered, \r\nbrings back a whisky for the parrot \r\nand forgets the coffee. \r\n\r\nWhen this omission is pointed out to her \r\nthe parrot drains its glass \r\nand bawls "And get me another whisky \r\nyou idiot". Quite upset, the girl \r\ncomes back shaking with another \r\nwhisky but still no coffee. \r\n\r\nUnaccustomed to such slackness the man \r\ntries the parrot''s approach \r\n"I''ve asked you twice for a coffee, \r\ngo and get it now or I''ll kick \r\nyou". \r\n\r\nThe next moment, both \r\nhe and the parrot have been wrenched up and \r\nthrown out of the \r\nemergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards \r\nthe parrot \r\nturns to him and says "For someone who can''t fly, you \r\ncomplain too \r\nmuch!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1040, 'Aviation jokes', 'A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in \r\nthe \r\nfirst class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to \r\nher and \r\ntells her she must move to coach because she doesn''t have \r\na first class \r\nticket. The blonde replies, "I''m blonde, I''m smart, \r\nI have a good \r\njob, and I''m staying in first class until we reach \r\nJamaica."\r\n\r\nThe disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who \r\nasks the blonde \r\nto leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I''m blonde, \r\nI''m smart, I have \r\na good job and I''m staying in first class until \r\nwe reach Jamaica." \r\nThe head stewardesses doesn''t even know what to \r\ndo at this point because \r\nthey still have to get the rest of the \r\npassengers seated to take off; \r\nthe blode is causing a problem with \r\nboarding now, so the stewardess gets \r\nthe copilot.\r\n\r\nThe copilot \r\ngoes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She \r\nimmediately gets \r\nup and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head \r\nst\r\n ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move \r\nto \r\nher correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front \r\nhalf of the \r\nairplane wasn''t going to Jamaica."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1041, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airliner was having engine \r\ntrouble, \r\nand the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers \r\ntake \r\ntheir seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.\r\n\r\nA few \r\nminutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone \r\nwas \r\nbuckled in and ready.\r\n\r\n"All set back here, Captain," came the \r\nreply, "except the lawyers \r\nare still going around passing out business \r\ncards."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1042, 'Aviation jokes', 'A man jumps out of an airplane with a \r\n\r\nparachute on his back. As he''s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. \r\nHe \r\ndoesn''t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth \r\nrapidly \r\napproaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the \r\nparachute \r\nand tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is \r\nripping past \r\nhis face, he''s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 \r\nfeet, another man goes \r\nshooting up past him. In desperation, the man \r\nwith the chute looks up \r\nand yells, "Hey do you know anything about \r\nparachutes?!"\r\n\r\nThe guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you \r\nknow anything \r\nabout gas stoves?!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1043, 'Aviation jokes', '"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf \r\nof my \r\ncrew I''d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight \r\n602 from \r\nNew York to London. We are currently flying at a height of \r\n35,000 feet \r\nmidway across the Atlantic.\r\n\r\n"If you look out of \r\nthe windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, \r\nyou will observe \r\nthat both the starboard engines are on fire.\r\n\r\n"If you look out of \r\nthe windows on the port side, you will observe \r\nthat the port wing \r\nhas fallen off.\r\n\r\n"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you \r\nwill see a little \r\nyellow life raft with three people in it waving \r\nat you.\r\n\r\n"That''s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the \r\nair \r\nstewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1044, 'Aviation jokes', 'Bill Clinton, \r\nHillary Ramrod Clinton, Al \r\nGore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air \r\nForce 1 on their way to \r\nvisit the Communists to share their success \r\nstories about taxing \r\nAmericans.\r\n\r\nBill: "Why don''t I throw this hundred dollar bill out \r\nthe window and \r\nmake someone very happy."\r\n\r\nHillary: "Well, why \r\ndon''t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the \r\nwindow and make \r\nten people happy."\r\n\r\nAl: "Why don''t you two jump out the window \r\nand make me and Tipper \r\nhappy."\r\n\r\nTipper: "Why don''t we all jump \r\nout the window and make everybody \r\nthroughout the United States and \r\nworld happy."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1045, 'Aviation jokes', 'One day at a busy \r\nairport, the passengers \r\non a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the \r\npilot to show \r\nup so they can get under way.\r\n\r\nThe pilot and copilot finally \r\nappear in the rear of the plane and begin \r\nwalking up to the cockpit \r\nthrough the center aisle. Both appear to be \r\nblind; the pilot is using a \r\nwhite cane, bumping into passengers right \r\nand left as he stumbles \r\ndown the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. \r\nBoth have their \r\neyes covered with sunglasses.\r\n\r\nAt first, the passengers do not \r\nreact thinking that it must be some \r\nsort of practical joke. After a few \r\nminutes though, the engines start \r\nrevving, and the airplane begins \r\nmoving down the runway.\r\n\r\nThe passengers look at each other with \r\nsome uneasiness. They start \r\nwhispering among themselves and look \r\ndesperately to the stewardesses for \r\nreassurance.\r\n\r\nYet, the plane \r\nstarts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. \r\nSo\r\n me passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to \r\n\r\nthe end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more \r\n\r\nhysterical.\r\n\r\nWhen the plane has less than twenty feet of runway \r\nleft, there is a \r\nsudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone \r\nscreams at once. At \r\nthe very last moment, the plane lifts off and \r\nis airborne.\r\n\r\nUp in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of \r\nrelief and tells the \r\npilot: "You know, one of these days the \r\npassengers aren''t going to \r\nscream, and we aren''t going to know when to \r\ntake off!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1046, 'Aviation jokes', 'A blonde gets \r\nan opportunity to fly to a \r\nnearby country. She has never been on an \r\nairplane anywhere and was \r\nvery excited and tense. As soon as she boarded \r\nthe plane, a \r\nBoeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over \r\nseat to seat \r\nand starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! \r\nBO....." \r\n\r\nShe \r\nsort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears \r\n\r\nthe noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts \r\n\r\n"Be silent!" \r\n\r\nThere was pin-drop silence everywhere and \r\neverybody is looking at the \r\nblonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the \r\npilot in silence for a \r\nmoment, concentrated really hard, and all of \r\na sudden started shouting, \r\n"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1047, 'Aviation jokes', 'Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural \r\n\r\nAmerica. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended \r\non \r\nthe farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. \r\nThe \r\naircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left \r\nsmoldering in a \r\ntree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service \r\ndescended upon the \r\nsmoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or \r\nthe President''s \r\nstaff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was \r\nplowing a field not too far \r\naway as if nothing at all happened. They \r\nhurried over to surround the \r\nman''s tractor.\r\n\r\n"Sir," the senior \r\nSecret Service agent asked, panting and out of \r\nbreath.\r\n\r\n"Did \r\nyou see this terrible accident happen?"\r\n\r\n"Yep. Sure did." The man \r\nmuttered unconcernedly.\r\n\r\n"Do you realize that is the President of \r\nthe United States airplane?"\r\n\r\n"Yep."\r\n\r\n"Were there any \r\nsurvivors?" the agent gasped.\r\n\r\n"Nope. They''s all kilt straight o\r\n ut." The farmer sighed cutting off \r\nhis tractor motor. "I done \r\nburied them all myself. Took most of the \r\nmorning."\r\n\r\n"The \r\nPresident of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in \r\n\r\ndisbelief.\r\n\r\n"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his \r\nwork. \r\n"He kept a-saying he wasn''t ... but you know what a liar he \r\nis."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1048, 'Aviation jokes', 'A \r\nblind man was describing his favorite \r\nsport, parachuting. When asked \r\nhow this was accomplished, he said \r\nthat things were all done for him: "I \r\nam placed in the door with my \r\nseeing eye dog and told when to jump. My \r\nhand is placed on my \r\nrelease ring for me and out I go with the dog."\r\n\r\n"But how do you know \r\nwhen you are going to land?" he was asked. "I \r\nhave a very keen sense \r\nof smell, and I can smell the trees and grass \r\nwhen I am 300 feet \r\nfrom the ground" he answered.\r\n\r\n"But how do you know when to lift \r\nyour legs for the final arrival on \r\nthe ground?" he was again asked. \r\nHe quickly answered: "Oh, the dog''s \r\nleash goes slack."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1049, 'Aviation jokes', 'At the airport for a business trip, I settled \r\n\r\ndown to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard \r\nthe \r\nvoice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for \r\nthe \r\ninconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate \r\n41."\r\n\r\nSo my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. \r\nNot \r\nten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight \r\n570 \r\nwould in fact be boarding from Gate 35.\r\n\r\nSo, again, we \r\ngathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the \r\noriginal gate. Just \r\nas we were settling down, the public address voice spoke \r\nagain: \r\n"Thank you for participating in Delta''s physical fitness \r\nprogram.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1050, 'Aviation jokes', 'It was a few days before Christmas. The trip \r\nwent reasonably well, \r\nand he was ready to go back home. The airport \r\non the other end had \r\nturned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers \r\nblared annoying elevator \r\nrenditions of cherished Christmas carols. \r\n\r\n\r\nBeing someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being \r\nslightly \r\ntired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a \r\nscrooge) Going to \r\ncheck in his luggage (which, for some reason, had \r\nbecome one suitcase \r\nwith entirely new clothes), he saw hanging \r\nmistletoe. Not real \r\nmistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on \r\nsome of the rounder parts \r\nand green paint on some of the flatter and \r\npointer parts, that could be \r\ntaken for mistletoe only in a very \r\nPicasso sort of way. \r\n\r\nWith a considerable degree of irritation and \r\nnowhere else to vent it, \r\nhe said to the attendant, "Even if we were \r\nmarried, I would not want to \r\nkiss you under such a ghastly mo\r\n ckery of mistletoe." \r\n\r\n"Sir, look more closely at where the \r\nmistletoe is." \r\n\r\n"Ok, I see that it''s above the luggage scale which \r\nis the place \r\nyou''d have to step forward for a kiss." \r\n\r\n\r\n"That''s not why it''s there." \r\n\r\n"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"It''s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1051, 'Aviation jokes', 'Flight fifty \r\nhas a pretty rough time \r\nabove the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the \r\nintercom: "Ladies and \r\ngentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and \r\nassume crash \r\npositions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put \r\nthis baby as \r\ngentle as possible down on the water".\r\n\r\n"Oh stewardess! Are there \r\nany sharks in the ocean below?" asks a \r\nlittle old lady, \r\nterrified.\r\n\r\n"Yes, I''m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a \r\nspecial \r\ngel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for \r\n\r\nemergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and \r\nlegs".\r\n\r\n"And if I do this, the sharks won''t eat me any more?" asks the \r\n\r\nlittle lady.\r\n\r\n"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they \r\nwon''t enjoy it so \r\nmuch".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1052, 'Aviation jokes', 'Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and \r\n\r\nnephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nproblem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she \r\n\r\nhated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always \r\n\r\nworried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. \r\n\r\nShe read \r\nbooks about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess \r\n\r\ndemonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly \r\n\r\nevery time a visit was coming up. \r\n\r\nFinally, the family decided \r\nthat maybe if she saw the statistics she''d \r\nbe convinced. So they sent \r\nher to a friend of the family who was an \r\nactuary. \r\n\r\n"Tell \r\nme," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone \r\nwill \r\nhave a bomb on a plane?" \r\n\r\nThe actuary looked through his tables \r\nand said, "A very small chance. \r\nMaybe one in five hundred thousand." \r\n\r\n\r\nShe nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o\r\n dds of two \r\npeople having a bomb on the same plane?" \r\n\r\nAgain \r\nhe went through his tables. \r\n\r\n"Extremely remote," he said. "About \r\none in a billion." \r\n\r\nAunt Bessie nodded and left his office. \r\n\r\n\r\nAnd from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with \r\n\r\nher.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1053, 'Aviation jokes', 'Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and \r\nnephews. However, she had \r\nrelatives all over the country.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nproblem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she \r\n\r\nhated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always \r\n\r\nworried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. \r\n\r\nShe read \r\nbooks about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess \r\n\r\ndemonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly \r\n\r\nevery time a visit was coming up. \r\n\r\nFinally, the family decided \r\nthat maybe if she saw the statistics she''d \r\nbe convinced. So they sent \r\nher to a friend of the family who was an \r\nactuary. \r\n\r\n"Tell \r\nme," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone \r\nwill \r\nhave a bomb on a plane?" \r\n\r\nThe actuary looked through his tables \r\nand said, "A very small chance. \r\nMaybe one in five hundred thousand." \r\n\r\n\r\nShe nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o\r\n dds of two \r\npeople having a bomb on the same plane?" \r\n\r\nAgain \r\nhe went through his tables. \r\n\r\n"Extremely remote," he said. "About \r\none in a billion." \r\n\r\nAunt Bessie nodded and left his office. \r\n\r\n\r\nAnd from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with \r\n\r\nher.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1054, 'Aviation jokes', 'From a Southwest Airlines employee.... \r\n"Welcome aboard Southwest \r\nFlight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, \r\ninsert the metal tab into the \r\nbuckle, and pull tight. It works just \r\nlike every other seatbelt, and if \r\nyou don''t know how to operate \r\none, you probably shouldn''t be out in \r\npublic unsupervised. In the \r\nevent of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, \r\noxygen masks will descend \r\nfrom the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the \r\nmask, and pull it over \r\nyour face. If you have a small child traveling with \r\nyou, secure your \r\nmask before assisting with theirs. If you are \r\ntraveling with two \r\nsmall children, decide now which one you love \r\nmore.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1055, 'Aviation jokes', 'According to "The Australian," an airliner \r\nrecently encountered severe \r\nvibration in flight.\r\n\r\nThe captain \r\ndecided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the \r\nseat belt \r\nsign.\r\n\r\nThe vibration stopped immediately.\r\n\r\nA passenger \r\nemerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been \r\njogging in place \r\ninside.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1056, 'Aviation jokes', 'I have a friend who is a pilot on a \r\n747.\r\n\r\nI said "Hi Jack."\r\n\r\nHe shot me.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1057, 'Aviation jokes', 'All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me \r\n\r\nto thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he \r\nwould \r\nalways take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer \r\nquestions.\r\n\r\nOne guy asked, "If our chute doesn''t open, and the \r\nreserve doesn''t \r\nopen, how long do we have until we hit the \r\nground?"\r\n\r\nOur jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and \r\nanswered, \r\n"The rest of your life."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1058, 'Aviation jokes', 'An airline captain was breaking in a very \r\n\r\npretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a \r\nstay-over in \r\nanother city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the \r\nstewardess \r\nthe best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and \r\nstay overnight.\r\n\r\nThe next morning as the pilot was preparing the \r\ncrew for the day''s \r\nroute, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. \r\nHe knew which room she \r\nwas in at the hotel and called her up \r\nwondering what happened to her. \r\nShe answered the phone, sobbing, and said \r\nshe couldn''t get out of her \r\nroom.\r\n\r\n"You can''t get out of \r\nyour room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"\r\n\r\nThe stewardess replied, \r\n"There are only three doors in here, "she \r\ncried," one is the \r\nbathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it \r\nthat says ''Do Not \r\nDisturb''!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1059, 'Aviation jokes', 'As a crowded airliner is about to \r\ntake \r\noff, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment \r\n\r\nto throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, \r\n\r\nembarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to \r\nscream \r\nfuriously and kick the seats around him.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, from \r\nthe rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of \r\nan Air Force \r\nGeneral is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. \r\nStopping the \r\nflustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, \r\ncourtly, \r\nsoft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, \r\n\r\nwhispers something into the boy''s ear.\r\n\r\nInstantly, the boy calms \r\ndown, gently takes his mother''s hand, and \r\nquietly fastens his seat \r\nbelt. All the other passengers burst into \r\nspontaneous \r\napplause.\r\n\r\nAs the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the \r\ncabin \r\nattendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she ask\r\n s \r\nquietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that \r\nlittle boy?"\r\n\r\nThe old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I \r\nshowed him my \r\npilot''s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, \r\nand explained that they \r\nentitle me to throw one passenger out the \r\nplane door on any flight I \r\nchoose."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1060, 'Aviation jokes', 'McNally was taking his first plane ride, \r\nflying over the \r\nRocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of \r\nchewing gum. "It''s \r\nto keep your ears from popping at high \r\naltitudes," she explains. \r\n\r\nWhen the plane landed McNally rushed up to \r\nher. "Miss," he said, \r\n\r\n"I''m meetin'' me wife right away. How do I \r\nget the gum out of me \r\nears?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1061, 'Aviation jokes', 'As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over \r\nArizona on a clear day, \r\nthe co-pilot was providing his passengers with \r\na running commentary \r\nabout landmarks over the PA \r\nsystem.\r\n\r\n"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a \r\n\r\nmajor tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of \r\n\r\nnickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 \r\n\r\ntons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering \r\nwhite-hot \r\ndebris for miles in every direction. The hole measures \r\nnearly a mile \r\nacross and is 570 feet deep."\r\n\r\nFrom the cabin, a \r\npassenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed \r\nthe highway!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1062, 'Aviation jokes', 'What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a \r\n\r\nmodern airliner?\r\n\r\nA Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is \r\nthere to bite the captain \r\nif he tries to touch the controls, and the \r\nco-pilot is there to feed the \r\ndog.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1063, 'Aviation jokes', 'How does the captain know the aircraft is \r\nsafely at the ramp?\r\nBoth the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1064, 'Aviation jokes', 'After the first \r\ntakeoff of the fully \r\nautomatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, \r\nreassuring voice \r\nof the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your \r\nautomatic pilot. \r\nIn my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is \r\nabsolutely \r\nimpossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, \r\n..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1065, 'Aviation jokes', 'A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a \r\nlanding at an airport \r\nthey had never been to before. The pilot \r\nlooked out the windshield, and \r\nsuddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: \r\n"Holy cow! Look how short the runway \r\nis! I''ve never seen one that \r\nshort!"\r\n\r\nThe co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you''re right! \r\nThat''s \r\nincredible! Are you sure we can make it?"\r\n"Well we \r\nbetter, we''re almost out of fuel."\r\n\r\nSo the captain got on the \r\nintercom, and notified the passengers to put \r\ntheir heads between their \r\nknees, and prepare for an emergency landing. \r\nThen he set the flaps to \r\nfull down, and slowed the plane to just over \r\nstall speed. The big \r\njumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of \r\ncontrol. The \r\npilot''s hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.\r\n\r\nThey touched \r\ndown, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge \r\nof the \r\nrunway, the tires smoking.\r\n\r\n"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the \r\n captain. "That runway was SHORT!"\r\n"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and \r\nWIDE too!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1066, 'Aviation jokes', 'A young guy in a \r\ntwo-engine fighter was \r\nflying escort for a B-52 and generally being a \r\nnuisance, acting like \r\na hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. \r\nThe hotdog \r\nsaid over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."\r\n\r\nThe \r\nveteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."\r\nThe B-52 \r\ncontinued its flight, straight and level.\r\n\r\nPerplexed, the hotdog asked, \r\n"So? What did you do?"\r\n"I just shut down two engines, kid."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1067, 'Aviation jokes', 'Little boy to airline pilot: \r\n\r\n"You''re \r\na pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." \r\n\r\nPilot: \r\n\r\n"Not if I \r\ndo it right."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1068, 'Aviation jokes', '"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your \r\n\r\nwings.."\r\n"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1069, 'Aviation jokes', '"Flight 1234, are you \r\nready to copy \r\nholding instructions?"\r\n"Center, make that request on the next \r\nfrequency...."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1070, 'Aviation jokes', 'On a flight \r\nwith EasyJet back in 1997 the \r\npilot made what can only be describes as \r\nan extremely heavy landing \r\nat Luton. It was very early in the morning \r\nand a number of \r\npassenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart\r\nfrom the noise, a number \r\nof overhead lockers dropped open and several \r\nitems of carry-on \r\nluggage were launched down the aisle.\r\n\r\nAfter slowing up, the aircraft \r\nturned off the runway and turned towards \r\nthe stand and over the PA \r\ncame "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is \r\nCaptain Smith, welcome \r\nto Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet \r\nyou''re not \r\nnow!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1071, 'Aviation jokes', 'ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? \r\n" \r\n\r\nCessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument \r\nRating." \r\n\r\nATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1072, 'Aviation jokes', 'A husband suspects his wife is having an \r\n\r\naffair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the \r\nhusband \r\njust knew when his wife said: \r\n\r\n"Honey, I''ve told you \r\nonce, I''ve told you twice, I''ve told you \r\nniner thousand times, \r\nnegative on the affair ..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1073, 'Aviation jokes', 'A small twin-prop \r\ncommuter plane was \r\nhijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who \r\nvowed to kill one \r\nof the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions. \r\nThere were \r\ntwo passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast \r\ngeneticist. \r\nThe hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they \r\nshouldn''t \r\nbe killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1 \r\n\r\nminute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are \r\n\r\nmodel organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and \r\n\r\nfinished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the \r\nhijacker in \r\ntears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist \r\nwho said, \r\n"let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important \r\n\r\ndiscipline..." but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who \r\nexclaimed "Shoot \r\nme! Shoot me!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1074, 'Aviation jokes', 'A woman called and said, "I need to fly to \r\nPepsi-Cola \r\non one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to \r\nfly to \r\nPensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, \r\nwhatever."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1075, 'Aviation jokes', 'Stewardess" \r\n"Yes, Sir?" "I want to \r\ncomplain about this airline. Every time I \r\nfly, I get the same seat, I \r\ncan''t see the in-flight movie and there are \r\nno windows blinds so I \r\ncan''t sleep." "Captain, shut up and land the \r\nplane."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1076, 'Aviation jokes', 'Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, \r\nthere was huge rush \r\nand the security guard told him, "Wait Please." \r\n\r\n\r\nTo which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1077, 'Aviation jokes', 'After an overnight flight to meet my father \r\nat \r\nhis latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at \r\nRhein-Main \r\nAir Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all \r\nunder age 11. \r\nCollecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the \r\ncramped \r\ncustoms area. A young customs official watched our \r\nentourage in disbelief, \r\n''''Ma''am,'''' he said, ''''do all these children \r\nand this luggage \r\nbelong to you?'''' \r\n\r\n''''Yes, sir,'''' my \r\nmother said with a sigh, ''''they''re all \r\nmine.'''' \r\n\r\nThe \r\ncustoms agent began his interrogation: ''''Ma''am, do you have any \r\n\r\nweapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'''' \r\n\r\n\r\n''''Sir,'''' she calmly answered, ''''if I''d had any of those items, I \r\n\r\nwould have used them by now.''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1078, 'Aviation jokes', '"I''ve never flown before, said the \r\n\r\nnervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won''t \r\n\r\nyou?\r\n"All I can say ma''am," said the pilot, "is that I''ve never left \r\n\r\nanyone up there yet!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1079, 'Banana jokes', 'How can you tell the difference between a \r\n\r\nmonster and a banana? \r\nTry picking it up. If you can''t, it''s either \r\na monster or a giant \r\nbanana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1080, 'Banana jokes', 'Why did the banana go out with the prune? \r\n\r\nBecause he couldn''t find a date.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1081, 'Banana jokes', 'Why did the banana go out with the \r\nprune? \r\n\r\nBecause he couldn''t find a date.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1082, 'Banana jokes', 'The last time I saw a face like \r\nyours I \r\nthrew it a banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1083, 'Banana jokes', 'They''re not going to grow bananas any \r\n\r\nlonger. \r\nReally? \r\nWhy not? \r\nBecause they''re long enough \r\nalready.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1084, 'Banana jokes', 'What do you do if you see a blue banana? \r\n\r\nTry to cheer it up.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1085, 'Banana jokes', 'What''s yellow and writes? \r\nA ball-point \r\nbanana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1086, 'Banana jokes', 'Teacher: What is Ba + Na2? \r\nPupil: \r\nBanana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1087, 'Banana jokes', 'What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? \r\nAn \r\nelectric banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1088, 'Banana jokes', 'What''s yellow and always points to the north? \r\n\r\nA magnetic banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1089, 'Banana jokes', 'Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing \r\n\r\nfirm? \r\nHe kept throwing the bent bananas away.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1090, 'Banana jokes', 'How did the Mother Banana \r\nspoil the Baby \r\nBanana?\r\nShe left him out in the sun too long.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1091, 'Banana jokes', 'Did you hear about the unlucky \r\nman who \r\nbought some bananas? \r\nThey were empty.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1092, 'Banana jokes', 'Why don''t bananas snore? \r\nBecause they \r\ndon''t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1093, 'Banana jokes', 'Why are \r\nyou eating a banana with the skin \r\non? \r\nOh, it''s all right. I know what''s inside.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1094, 'Banana jokes', 'What is yellow on the inside and green on the \r\n\r\noutside ?\r\nA banana dressed up as a cucumber !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1095, 'Banana jokes', 'What''s yellow and flashes? \r\nA banana with a \r\nloose connection.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1096, 'Banana jokes', 'Mother Banana: Why didn''t you go \r\nto school \r\ntoday?\r\nLittle Banana: Because I didn''t peel well.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1097, 'Banana jokes', 'What would you call two \r\nbanana skins ?\r\nA \r\npair of slippers.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1098, 'Banana jokes', 'What''s the best way to get King Kong to sit up \r\n\r\nand beg?\r\nWave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1099, 'Banana jokes', 'What did the boy banana say to the girl \r\nbanana?\r\n"You have a lot of appeal."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1100, 'Banana jokes', 'What is the easiest way to make a \r\nbanana \r\nsplit?\r\nCut it in half.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1101, 'Banana jokes', 'What is the difference between a banana and a \r\nbell?\r\nYou can only peel (peal) the banana once.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1102, 'Banana jokes', 'Why is a banana peel on the \r\nsidewalk like \r\nmusic?\r\nBecause if you don''t C sharp you''ll B flat.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1103, 'Banana jokes', 'What would you call two \r\nbananas?\r\nA pair \r\nof slippers.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1104, 'Banana jokes', 'What is long and yellow and always points \r\nnorth?\r\nA magnetic banana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1105, 'Banana jokes', 'If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana \r\n\r\nmake ?\r\nSlippers !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1106, 'Banana jokes', 'What is a ghost favorite fruit ?\r\nBoonanaa \r\n!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1107, 'Banana jokes', 'Knock knock\r\nWho''s \r\nthere?\r\nBanana.\r\nBanana who?\r\nKnock knock\r\nWho''s there?\r\nBanana.\r\nBanana \r\nwho?\r\nKnock knock \r\nWho''s there?\r\nOrange.\r\nOrange who?\r\nOrange you \r\nglad I didn''t say banana ?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1108, 'Banana jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nBanana \r\n!\r\nBanana who ?\r\nBanana split so ice creamed !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1109, 'Banana jokes', 'How can you tell the difference between a \r\n\r\nmonster and a banana?\r\nTry picking it up. If you can''t, it''s either \r\na monster or a giant \r\nbanana.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1110, 'Baby jokes', 'What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby \r\n\r\nsnake? \r\nStop crying and viper your nose.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1111, 'Baby jokes', 'What do baby pythons play with? \r\n\r\nRattle-snakes.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1112, 'Baby jokes', 'What would you get if you crossed a new-born \r\nsnake \r\nwith a basketball? \r\nA bouncing baby boa.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1113, 'Baby jokes', 'What is a baby bee? \r\nA little humbug.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1114, 'Baby jokes', 'Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal \r\n\r\nvillage? \r\nSitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1115, 'Baby jokes', 'How did the witch almost lose her baby? \r\nShe \r\ndidn''t take it far enough into the woods.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1116, 'Baby jokes', 'What are baby witches \r\ncalled? \r\n\r\nHalloweenies.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1117, 'Baby jokes', 'Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food? \r\n\r\nHe wanted something to get his teeth into.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1118, 'Baby jokes', 'Knock knock. \r\nWho''s there? \r\nUnderwear. \r\n\r\nUnderwear who? \r\nUnderwear my baby is tonight?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1119, 'Baby jokes', 'My new baby is the image of his father. \r\nNever \r\nmind. just so long as he''s healthy.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1120, 'Baby jokes', 'Fred: My mum''s having a new baby. \r\nDrew: \r\nWhat''s wrong with the old one?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1121, 'Baby jokes', 'Cry Baby - by Liza \r\nWeeping');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1122, 'Baby jokes', 'What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a \r\nlot of noise at one end \r\nand has no sense of responsibility at the \r\nother.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1123, 'Baby jokes', 'Why did you drop the \r\nbaby? \r\nWell, Mrs \r\nSmith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see \r\nif he \r\ndid.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1124, 'Baby jokes', 'It can''t go on! It can''t go on! \r\nWhat can''t \r\ngo on? \r\nThis baby''s vest ? it''s too small for me.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1125, 'Baby jokes', 'Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit''s new baby? She \r\n\r\nthought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor \r\nbecause \r\nit was a horrible yeller.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1126, 'Baby jokes', 'Mum, are the Smiths very poor people? \r\nI \r\ndon''t think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask? \r\nBecause they made such a fuss \r\nwhen their baby swallowed a coin');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1127, 'Baby jokes', 'Daddy, \r\ndaddy, can I have another glass of \r\nwater, please? \r\nBut that''s the tenth one I''ve given you tonight! \r\n\r\nYes, but the baby''s bedroom is still on fire.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1128, 'Baby jokes', 'Doctor, doctor, my \r\nbaby''s swallowed a watch! \r\n\r\nGive it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1129, 'Baby jokes', 'A \r\nscoutmaster asked one of his troop what \r\ngood deed he had done for the day. \r\n"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum \r\nhad only one dose of castor oil \r\nleft, so I let my baby brother have \r\nit."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1130, 'Baby jokes', 'Why are babies always gurgling with joy? \r\n\r\nBecause it''s a nappy time.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1131, 'Baby jokes', 'Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door? \r\n\r\nVeronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. \r\nMrs Brown: Tell her to push off. \r\n"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1132, 'Baby jokes', 'I see the baby''s nose is running \r\nagain," \r\nsaid a worried father. \r\n"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can''t \r\nyou think of anything \r\nother than horse racing?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1133, 'Baby jokes', 'A distraught mum rushed into the back \r\nyard, \r\nwhere eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old \r\n\r\nupturned tin bath with a poker. \r\n"What do you think you''re doing?" she \r\ndemanded. \r\n"I''m just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy. \r\n\r\n"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum. \r\n"Under the bath."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1134, 'Baby jokes', 'How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? \r\nYou \r\nrock-et.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1135, 'Baby jokes', 'Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby \r\n\r\nsister? \r\nI''d much rather have a jelly baby.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1136, 'Baby jokes', 'Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs \r\nBigger''s \r\nbaby? \r\nMrs Bigger''s baby, because he''s a little Bigger.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1137, 'Baby jokes', 'Do you like your \r\nnew baby sister? \r\nShe''s \r\nall right. \r\nDo you play with her? \r\nNo, and we can''t even send \r\nher back because she''s been here more than \r\n28 days.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1138, 'Baby jokes', 'Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in \r\nweight in \r\ntwo weeks by drinking elephant''s milk. \r\nWhose baby was \r\nit? \r\nThe elephant''s!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1139, 'Baby jokes', 'How do you get a paper baby? \r\nMarry an old \r\nbag.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1140, 'Baby jokes', 'What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? \r\n\r\nWhere''s Pop Corn?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1141, 'Baby jokes', 'Why is a baby like an diamond? \r\nBecause it''s \r\na dear little thing.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1142, 'Baby jokes', 'When a baby is learning to eat, \r\nshouldn''t he \r\nhave an L-plate?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1143, 'Baby jokes', 'Why did the baby monster put his father \r\nin \r\nthe freezer? \r\nBecause he wanted frozen pop.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1144, 'Baby jokes', 'Mum, is it true my baby sister came \r\nfrom \r\nHeaven? \r\nYes, that''s right. \r\nWell, I don''t blame God for chucking \r\nher out.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1145, 'Baby jokes', 'Three men were discussing at a bar about \r\n\r\ncoincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two \r\n\r\ncities" and she gave birth to twins"\r\n"That''s funny", the second man \r\nremarked, "my wife was reading ''the \r\nthree musketeers'' and she \r\ngave birth to triplets"\r\nThe third man shouted, "Good God, I have to \r\nrush home!"\r\nWhen asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I \r\nleft the \r\nhouse, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty \r\nThieves"!!!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1146, 'Baby jokes', 'What did \r\nthe Pharaohs use to keep their \r\nbabies quiet? \r\nEgyptian dummies.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1147, 'Baby jokes', 'Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the \r\ncrib?\r\nDaughter: You told me to change the baby.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1148, 'Baby jokes', 'Q: How many baby sitters \r\ndoes it take to \r\nchange a light bulb? \r\nA: None, They don''t make Pampers small enough.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1149, 'Baby jokes', 'Dewey and Odell met \r\non the Brownsville main \r\nstreet. "Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and \r\nyore wife is goin'' ta \r\nnight school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?" \r\n"Uh huh," answered \r\nOdell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican \r\nbaby, and we wanna \r\nbe able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta \r\ntalk!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1150, 'Baby jokes', 'A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, \r\n\r\n"Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I''m \r\n\r\nall polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all \r\npolar \r\nbear, and her parents are all polar bear." \r\nStill unsure the \r\nbaby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I \r\npure polar \r\nbear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I''m all \r\npolar bear, your \r\nfather is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, \r\nand his \r\nparents are all polar bear." \r\n\r\nStill not convinced the baby polar \r\nbear goes to his grandparents and \r\nasks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I \r\nall polar bear?" His grandmother \r\nanswers, "Of course you are \r\nsweetie. We''re all polar bear, your mother is \r\nall polar bear, your \r\nfather is all polar bear, and his parents are all \r\npolar bear. Why do you \r\nask sweetie?" \r\n\r\nThe baby polar bears replies, "Because I''m \r\nf****** freezing!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1151, 'Baby jokes', 'Q: \r\nWhere does a white baby go when it dies? \r\n\r\nA: Heaven \r\n\r\nQ: What does it get? \r\n\r\nA: Wings \r\n\r\nQ: \r\nWhat does it become? \r\n\r\nA: An angel \r\n\r\n\r\nQ: Where does a \r\nblack baby go when it dies? \r\n\r\nA: Heaven \r\n\r\nQ: What does it get? \r\n\r\n\r\nA: Wings \r\n\r\nQ: What does it become? \r\n\r\nA: A Bat!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1152, 'Baby jokes', 'Q: What''s brown and in a baby''s diaper? \r\nA: \r\nMichael Jackson''s hand !!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1153, 'Baby jokes', 'Q: What''s pink and red and can''t turn \r\nround \r\nin a corridor? \r\nA: A baby with a javellin through its head.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1154, 'Baby jokes', 'A family of ducks were \r\nwalking down the road \r\nwhen an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther \r\ndown the road a \r\nfamily of skunks were walking the other way when the \r\nsame \r\n18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally \r\nmet \r\neach other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the \r\nroad. \r\nWould you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have \r\n\r\nwebbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said \r\n\r\nthe duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will \r\n\r\nyou tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your \r\n\r\nwhite, & your mom''s dead, you must be O.J.''s kid"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1155, 'Baby jokes', 'Little Johnny ''s next door neighbors had a baby. \r\n\r\nUnfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. \r\n\r\nWhen \r\nthey arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little \r\n\r\nJohnny''s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny''s \r\n\r\nparents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say \r\n\r\nabout the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before \r\ngoing \r\nto the neighbors. \r\n\r\nHe said "Now, son... that poor baby \r\nwas born without any ears. I want \r\nyou to be on your best behavior \r\nand not say one word about his ears or \r\nI am really going to spank \r\nyou when we get back home." \r\n\r\n"I promise not to mention his ears at \r\nall" said Little Johnny. \r\n\r\nAt the neighbors home, Little Johnny \r\nleaned over in the crib and \r\ntouched the baby''s hand He looked at \r\nit''s mother and said "Oh What a \r\nBeautiful little baby". The mother \r\nsaid "Thank you very much, Little \r\nJohnny." \r\n\r\nHe then \r\n said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little \r\nfeet. \r\nWhy... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say \r\n\r\nthat he can see good?" \r\n\r\nThe Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his \r\ndoctor said he has 20/20 \r\nvision. \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny said "well, \r\nits a darn good thing, cause he sure \r\ncouldn''t wear glasses!!!');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1156, 'Baby jokes', 'Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys \r\n\r\nin blue?\r\nBecause they can''t dress themselves.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1157, 'Baby jokes', 'I got a letter from my sister. \r\nShe just had a \r\nbaby. But she didn''t say whether it''s a boy or girl. \r\nSo I don''t \r\nknow if I''m an uncle or an aunt.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1158, 'Baby jokes', 'Why does a mother carry \r\nher baby?\r\nThe baby \r\ncan''t carry the mother.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1159, 'Baby jokes', 'How does a baby ghost cry?\r\n"Boo-hoo! \r\nBoo-hoo!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1160, 'Baby jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a mountain and a \r\nbaby \r\n?\r\nA cry for Alp !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1161, 'Baby jokes', 'What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers \r\n?\r\nInfantry !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1162, 'Baby jokes', 'Knock Knock\r\nWho''s there !\r\nBaby !\r\nBaby \r\nwho ?\r\nBaby love, my baby love.... !');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1163, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man is in a bar having a \r\n\r\ndrink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks \r\nup \r\nthe guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off \r\nagain. This \r\ntime he picks the guy up and asks, ''''Where do you \r\nlive?'''' \r\n\r\nBeing a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts \r\nhim in the \r\nback seat, and drives him home. When they get to the \r\nguy''s house, the \r\nman helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 \r\ntimes before \r\ngetting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell \r\nand the guy''s wife \r\ncomes to the door. The man says, ''''Hello, \r\nI''ve brought your husband \r\nhome.'''' \r\n\r\nThe wife looks at the man \r\nand asks, ''''Where''s his wheel \r\nchair?''''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1164, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A Congressman was once asked \r\nabout his attitude toward whiskey. "If \r\nyou mean the demon drink \r\nthat poisons the mind, pollutes the body, \r\ndesecrates family life, and \r\ninflames sinners, then I''m against it.\r\n\r\nBut if you mean the \r\nelixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against \r\nwinter chill, the taxable \r\npotion that puts needed funds into public coffers \r\nto comfort little \r\ncrippled children, then I''m for it. This is my \r\nposition, and I \r\nwill not compromise."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1165, 'Bar \r\njokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'There was this little guy sitting \r\n\r\ninside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn''t move for a \r\n\r\nhalf-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next \r\n\r\nto him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. \r\n\r\nThe poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come \r\n\r\non man, I was just joking. Here, I''ll buy you another drink. I \r\njust \r\ncan''t stand to see a man crying." \r\n\r\n"No, it''s not that. \r\nToday is the worst day of my life. First, I \r\noverslept and was late \r\nfor an important meeting. My boss became outraged and \r\nthen fired me. \r\n\r\n\r\n"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was \r\nstolen. \r\nThe police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to \r\nreturn home, \r\nand after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I \r\nfound that I \r\nleft my whole wallet in the cab. \r\n\r\n"I got \r\n home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left \r\n\r\nhome depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about \r\n\r\nputting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1166, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A \r\ncowboy walks in to a \r\nbar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank \r\nhis beer he was \r\nabout to leave then he noticed that his horse was \r\ngone.He shouted," if \r\ni dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna \r\nhave to do what \r\ni did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his \r\nhorse was \r\nback so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked \r\nout \r\nthe window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1167, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A \r\nhotdog walks into a \r\nbar and orders a beer. \r\n\r\nThe bartender replies, "Sorry, we don''t \r\nserve food here".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1168, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'An armless man walked into a \r\n\r\nbar which is empty except for the bartender. \r\n\r\nHe ordered a \r\ndrink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he \r\nwould get \r\nthe money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the \r\n\r\nglass to his lips. \r\n\r\nThe bartender did this until the man \r\nfinished his drink. He then asked \r\nif the bartender would get a hanky \r\nfrom his pocket and wipe the foam \r\nfrom his lips. \r\n\r\nThe \r\nbartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to \r\nhave arms \r\nand have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. \r\n\r\nThe man \r\nsaid, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. \r\nBy the way, where is \r\nyour restroom?" \r\n\r\nThe bartender quickly replies -, \r\n"The \r\nclosest one is in the gas station three blocks down the \r\nstreet."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1169, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'After the Great Britain Beer \r\nFestival, in London, all the brewery \r\npresidents decided to go out \r\nfor a beer. \r\nThe guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I \r\nwould like the \r\nworld''s best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off \r\na bottle from \r\nthe shelf and gives it to him. \r\n\r\nThe guy from \r\nBudweiser says, "I''d like the best beer in the world, \r\ngive me ''The \r\nKing Of Beers'', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him \r\none. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe guy from Coors says, "I''d like the only beer made with Rocky \r\n\r\nMountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. \r\n\r\nThe guy \r\nfrom Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The \r\nbartender is \r\na little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. \r\n\r\nThe other \r\nbrewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren''t you \r\n\r\ndrinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I \r\n\r\nfigured if you guys aren''t drinking beer, neither would I."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1170, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy \r\nwalked into a bar \r\nand said \r\n"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." \r\n\r\nBut \r\nwhen it was time to pay, the guy didn''t have the money, so the \r\n\r\nbartender beat him up. \r\n\r\nThe next day the guy did the same thing, \r\nordered a beer for everyone, \r\neven the bartender, and the bartender beat \r\nhim up since the guy \r\ncouldn''t pay. \r\n\r\nThen the next day, the \r\nguy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, \r\nbartender!" \r\n\r\nThe \r\nbartender said "Why?" \r\n\r\nThe guy replyed "You''re violent when \r\nyou''re drunk!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1171, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy comes \r\nwalking into \r\na bar with a turtle in his hand. \r\n\r\nThe turtle''s one eye is black \r\nand blue, two of his legs are bandaged, \r\nand his whole shell is \r\ntaped together with duct tape. \r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at the guy and \r\nasks: \r\n"What''s wrong with your turtle?" \r\n\r\n"Not a thing," the \r\nman responds, this beat up turtle is faster than \r\nyour dog!" \r\n"Not \r\na chance!", replies the barkeep. \r\n\r\n"Okay then, says the guy... \r\nyou take your dog and let him stand at one \r\nend of the bar. Then go \r\nand stand at the other end of the room and call \r\nyour dog. I''ll bet \r\nyou $500 that before your dog reaches you, my \r\nturtle will be there." \r\n\r\n\r\nSo the bartender, thinking it''s an easy $500, agrees. \r\nThe \r\nbartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of \r\n\r\nthree calls his dog. \r\n\r\nSuddenly the guy picks up his turtle and \r\nthrows it across the room, \r\nnarrowly missing the bartender, and\r\n  smashing into the wall and says - \r\n\r\n"I WIN... Told you it''ll \r\nbe there before your dog!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1172, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man in a bar \r\nsees a \r\nfriend at a table, drinking by himself. \r\nApproaching the friend he \r\ncomments, "You look terrible. What''s the \r\nproblem?" \r\n\r\n"My mother \r\ndied in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." \r\n\r\n"Gee, that''s \r\ntough," he replied. \r\n\r\n"Then in July," the friend continued, "My \r\nfather died, leaving me \r\n$50,000." \r\n\r\n"Wow. Two parents gone in \r\ntwo months. No wonder you''re depressed." \r\n\r\n"And last month my aunt \r\ndied, and left me $15,000." \r\n\r\n"Three close family members lost in \r\nthree months? How sad." \r\n\r\n"Then this month," continued, the \r\nfriend, "nothing!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1173, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Sign seen in a bar: \r\n\r\n\r\n"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1174, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A Texan walks \r\ninto a pub \r\nin Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He \r\nsays, \r\n"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I''ll give $500 \r\n\r\nAmerican dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness \r\n\r\nback-to-back." \r\n\r\nThe room is quiet and no one takes up the \r\nTexan''s offer. One man even \r\nleaves. Thirty minutes later the same \r\ngentleman who left shows back up \r\nand taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is \r\nyour bet still good?", asks \r\nthe Irishman. \r\n\r\nThe Texan says \r\nyes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of \r\nGuinness. \r\nImmediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses \r\ndrinking them \r\nall back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan \r\nsits in \r\namazement. \r\n\r\nThe Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If \r\nya don''t mind me \r\naskin'', where did you go for that 30 minutes you \r\nwere gone?". \r\n\r\nThe Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to\r\n  the pub down the street to \r\nsee if I could do it first".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1175, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A cop is staking out a bar \r\nfor drunk \r\ndrivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the \r\nbar, trip on \r\nthe curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. \r\n\r\nWhen he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the \r\n\r\nkey in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and \r\ndrives \r\noff. \r\n\r\nWhen he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting \r\nfor him, pulls him over, \r\nand gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test \r\nshows he has a blood \r\nalcohol level of 0.0. \r\n\r\nThe cop says, \r\n''How is this possible?'' The guy says,''Tonight I''m the \r\ndesignated \r\ndecoy.''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1176, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a bar on \r\nthe top floor of a \r\nskyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After \r\ntaking a drink he sees \r\nthe guy next to him go over to the window \r\nand jump out! \r\n"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out \r\nthe window!" \r\n\r\nThe bartender does nothing. \r\n\r\nSo the man \r\ntakes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, \r\norders \r\nanother drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. \r\n\r\n"Jesus! He \r\njust jumped again!" \r\n\r\nThe bartender ignores the man. \r\n\r\nSo \r\nthe man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders \r\n\r\nanother drink. \r\n\r\n"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a \r\nfloatie drink, if you \r\ndrink it in a certain amount of time, you can \r\nfloat." \r\n\r\nSo the guy quickly orders a ''floatie'' drink. He takes it \r\nfrom the \r\nbartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window \r\nand...SPLAT! Right \r\non the sidewalk! \r\n\r\nThe Bartender then say\r\n s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk \r\nwhen you''re \r\ndrunk."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1177, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A drunk is refused a drink \r\nin a bar, so he \r\nundertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. \r\n\r\nHe gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that \r\ncat \r\ncoming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I''d see \r\nfour!" \r\n\r\nThe bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he \r\nresponds, \r\n"You''re drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the \r\nalcohol away, \r\n"That cat isn''t coming in, it''s going out!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1178, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', '"I was married 3 times" \r\n\r\nexplained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I''ll \r\n\r\nnever marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms \r\nand my \r\n3rd wife died of a fractured skull." \r\n\r\n"That''s a \r\nshame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" \r\n\r\n"She wouldn''t eat \r\nthe mushrooms!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1179, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man comes in to the room \r\nand \r\nsays to his wife, "I''m going to the pub. Get your coat on." \r\n\r\nThe wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, \r\n\r\n"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe husband replies, "No - I''m turning the heating off.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1180, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks \r\ninto a bar \r\nand orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this \r\nover and \r\nover again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and \r\n\r\nafter drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have \r\n\r\na picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then \r\n\r\ni''ll go home."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1181, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A herd of buffalo can move \r\nonly as fast as the slowest \r\nbuffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it \r\nis the slowest and weakest \r\nones at the back that are killed first. \r\nThis natural selection is good for \r\nthe herd as a whole because the \r\ngeneral speed and health of the whole \r\ngroup keeps improving by the \r\nregular culling of the weakest members. \r\n\r\nIn much the same way \r\nthe human brain can only operate as fast as the \r\nslowest brain cells. \r\nExcessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills \r\nbrain cells, but \r\nnaturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells \r\nfirst. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain \r\n\r\ncells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. \r\n\r\n\r\nThat''s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1182, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man drinking \r\nat the \r\nbar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink. \r\nThe \r\nbartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too \r\n\r\nmuch to drink. \r\nThe man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I \r\nhave been \r\ndrinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had \r\ntoo much ...so how \r\nthe hell do you know?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1183, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The husband was not home at \r\n\r\nhis usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later \r\nand \r\nlater. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front \r\ndoor, and \r\nas she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her \r\nhusband, drunk as a \r\nskunk, trying to navigate the stairs. \r\n"Do you \r\nrealize what time it is?" she asked. \r\n\r\nHe answered, "Don''t get \r\nexcited. I''m late because I bought something \r\nfor the house." \r\n\r\n\r\nImmediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to \r\n\r\nmeet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" \r\n\r\n\r\nHis answer was, "A round of drinks!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1184, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy walks into a bar and \r\n\r\norders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. \r\n\r\nAs he''s drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how \r\n\r\nbad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his \r\n\r\nexpensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I \r\nSPIT IN \r\nTHIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. \r\n\r\nWhen he comes \r\nback about 15 minutes later, there''s another 3x5 note \r\ncard next to \r\nhis beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1185, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'McPherson walked \r\ninto a \r\nbar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the \r\n\r\nolives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and \r\n\r\nall the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. \r\n"S''cuse \r\nme," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what \r\nMcPherson \r\nhad done. "What was that all about?" \r\n\r\n"Nothing," said the \r\nIrishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of \r\nolives."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1186, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A group of loud and rowdy \r\ndrunks were making a racket in the \r\nstreet. It was the wee small hours \r\nof the morning and the lady of the \r\nhouse flung open a window and \r\nshouted at them to keep quiet.\r\n\r\n"Is this where Frank lives?" one of \r\nthe drunks asked.\r\n\r\n"Yes, it is," the woman replied.\r\n\r\n"Well \r\nthen," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the \r\nrest \r\nof us can go home?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1187, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a bar with \r\na piece of \r\nasphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a \r\ndrink for me and \r\none for the road?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1188, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Two ladies are in a bar and \r\n\r\nthe first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots". \r\n\r\n\r\nSo the second lady says "I don''t know?" \r\n\r\nSo the first lady \r\nsays, " all the good ones are taken and the ones \r\nthat are left are \r\nhandicap!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1189, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Remember, an alcoholic & a \r\ndrunk are not \r\nthe same thing at all.\r\nThe alcoholic has to attend \r\nmeetings.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1190, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Contrary to what people say, \r\n\r\nyou can indeed drink to relax.\r\nOf course sometimes, you get so \r\ncalm, you can''t move.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1191, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Ever hear the \r\nexpression \r\n"hard drinker" ? Never made much sense\r\nto me, drinking''s one of the \r\neasiest things in the world to do.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1192, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A \r\nSkeleton walks into a \r\nbar, asks for a beer... and a mop.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1193, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A snail goes into a bar and \r\n\r\norders a beer. \r\n\r\nThe barman says ''Sorry we don''t serve \r\nsnails'' and throws him out. \r\n\r\nA couple of weeks later the snail goes \r\ninto the bar again and says... \r\n''What did you do that for!''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1194, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy walks into a bar with \r\na dog under \r\nhis arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the \r\ndog can talk \r\nand that he has $100 he''s willing to bet anyone who \r\nsays he can''t. \r\n\r\nThe bartender quickly takes the bet and the \r\nowner looks at the dog and \r\nasks, "What''s the thing on top of this \r\nbuilding which keeps the rain \r\nfrom coming inside?" \r\nThe dog answers \r\n"ROOF." \r\nThe bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I''m not paying." \r\n\r\n\r\nThe dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I''ll ask \r\nhim \r\nsomething else." \r\n\r\nThe bartender agrees and the owner \r\nturns to the dog and asks, "Who was \r\nthe greatest ballplayer of all \r\ntime?" \r\nThe dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." \r\n\r\nWith that the \r\nbartender picks them both up and throws them out the \r\ndoor. \r\n\r\nAs \r\nthey bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, \r\n\r\n"DiMaggio?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1195, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'At the end of the night a \r\nman leaves the bar. \r\nOutside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and \r\nslaps her in the face. \r\nThen he punches her in the stomach and knocks \r\nher over. \r\n\r\nHe proceeds to kick her several times and when he''s \r\ndone he bends down \r\nto her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you \r\nBatman?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1196, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'An Indian, \r\na Rabbi, the \r\nPope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar \r\ntogether and \r\nsit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, \r\n"What is \r\nthis... some kind of joke?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1197, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', '"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what''s a \r\n\r\n''Breathalyzer''?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next \r\nbarstool. \r\n\r\n"Well, I''d have to say that it''s a bag that tells you \r\nwhen you''ve \r\ndrunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Ah hell, whaddya know? I''ve been married to one of those for \r\n\r\nyears!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1198, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A pirate was talking to a \r\n\r\n"land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any \r\n\r\nself-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of \r\nhis \r\nhands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to \r\nfind out how \r\nthe pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, \r\n"How did you \r\nloose your leg?" \r\n\r\nThe pirate responded, "I lost \r\nme leg in a battle off the coast of \r\nJamaica!" His new acquaintance \r\nwas still curious so he asked, "What about \r\nyou hand. Did you lose \r\nit at the same time?" \r\n\r\n"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to \r\nthe sharks off the Florida \r\nKeys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I \r\nnotice you also have an eye \r\npatch. How did you lose your eye?" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew \r\n\r\nover and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How \r\ncould a \r\nlittle seagull crap make you loose your eye?" \r\n\r\nTh\r\n e pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1199, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Last New \r\nYear''s Eve, \r\none woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it \r\nwas time to \r\nget ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every \r\nhusband to be \r\nstanding next to the one person who made his life worth living. \r\n\r\n\r\nIt was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1200, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Two \r\nmen who are out \r\nwalking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to \r\nthe other, "Boy \r\nit sure is hot today. I''d really like to go into the \r\nbar and get a \r\nbeer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets \r\nAllowed," and I \r\ncan''t leave Fido alone on the street." \r\n\r\nThe other man replies, \r\n"No problem, just stand by the door and watch \r\nme, and you''ll be \r\nhaving that beer real soon!" The second man reaches \r\ninto his pocket \r\nand puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks \r\ninto the bar. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can''t bring \r\nthat dog \r\nin here!" The man says, "But I''m blind, and this is my \r\nseeing-eye \r\ndog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks \r\nhis beer and \r\nleaves. \r\n\r\nThe first man then puts on dark \r\nsunglasses and goes into the bar. The \r\nbartender looks up and says, "Hey \r\nbuddy, you can''t bring that dog in \r\nhere!" The man says, "But \r\n I''m blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!" \r\n\r\nThe bartender \r\nsays, "Oh really? I''ve never heard of a Chihuahua \r\nseeing-eye dog!" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they \r\ngave me \r\na Chihuahua?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1201, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy walks into a bar \r\ncarrying a pair of jumper \r\ncables. He sets ''em down on the bar. And then \r\nthe bartender said "Now dont \r\nyou start anything!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1202, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man stumbles up to the \r\nonly other patron in \r\na bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. \r\n\r\n\r\n''Why, of course,'' comes the reply.\r\nThe first man then asks, \r\n''Where are you from?''\r\n\r\n''I''m from Ireland,'' replies the second \r\nman.\r\n\r\nThe first man responds by saying, ''You don''t say. I''m \r\nfrom Ireland \r\ntoo. Let''s have another round to Ireland.''\r\n\r\n''Of \r\ncourse,'' replies the second man.\r\nCurious, the first man then asks, \r\n''Where in Ireland are you from?''\r\n\r\n''Dublin,'' comes the \r\nreply.\r\n''I can''t believe it,'' says the first man, ''I''m from Dublin too. \r\n\r\nLet''s have another drink to Dublin.''\r\n\r\n''Of course,'' \r\nreplies the second man.\r\n\r\nCuriosity again strikes and the first man \r\nasks, ''What school did you \r\ngo to?''\r\n\r\n''St Mary''s,'' replies the \r\nsecond man, ''I graduated in 1962.''\r\n\r\n''This is unbelievable,'' \r\nthe first man says. ''I went to St Mary''s \r\nand I graduated in \r\n 1962 too.''\r\n\r\nAbout that time, one of the regulars comes in and \r\nsits down at the bar. \r\n\r\n''What''s been going on?'' he asks the \r\nbarman.\r\n\r\n''Nothing much,'' replies the barman. ''The O''Malley twins \r\nare drunk \r\nagain.''');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1203, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A number twelve walks into a \r\n\r\nbar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.\r\n\r\n"Sorry I can''t \r\nserve you," states the barman.\r\n\r\n"Why not?!" asks the number \r\ntwelve with anger showing in its voice.\r\n\r\n"You''re under 18," replies \r\nthe barman.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1204, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a \r\n\r\nDoberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a \r\ngreat-looking \r\nfemale Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver \r\nand \r\ncheese in a sentence can have me." \r\n\r\nSo the Doberman \r\nsays, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, \r\n"That''s not good \r\nenough." \r\n\r\nThe Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, \r\n"That''s not \r\ncreative enough." \r\n\r\nFinally, the Chihuahua says, \r\n"Liver alone . . . cheese mine."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1205, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A \r\nserious drunk walked \r\ninto a bar and, after staring for some time at the \r\nonly woman seated \r\nat the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She \r\njumped up and \r\nslapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, \r\n"I''m \r\nsorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." \r\n\r\n\r\n"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she \r\n\r\nscreamed. \r\n\r\n"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1206, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Two guys \r\nwere in a bar, \r\nand they were both watching the television when the news \r\ncame on. \r\nIt showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously \r\n\r\nsuicidal. "I''ll bet you $10 he''ll jump," said the first guy. "Bet \r\nyou \r\n$10 he won''t," said the second guy.\r\n\r\nThen, the guy on the \r\ntelevision closed his eyes and threw himself off \r\nthe bridge. The second guy \r\nhands the first guy the money.\r\n\r\n"I can''t take your money," said \r\nthe first guy. "I cheated you. The \r\nsame story was on the five \r\no''clock news." "No, no. Take it," said \r\nthe second guy. "I saw the five \r\no''clock news too. I just didn''t think \r\nthe guy was dumb enough to \r\njump again!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1207, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'John was sitting outside his \r\n\r\nlocal pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good \r\n\r\nabout himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts \r\n\r\ndecrying the evils of drink. \r\n\r\n"You should be ashamed of \r\nyourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! \r\nAlcohol is the blood of the \r\ndevil!" \r\n\r\nNow John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the \r\noffensive. \r\n\r\n"How do you know this, Sister?" \r\n\r\n"My Mother \r\nSuperior told me so."\r\n\r\n"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How \r\ncan you be sure that what \r\nyou are saying is right?" \r\n\r\n"Don''t \r\nbe ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" \r\n\r\n\r\n"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it \r\n\r\nis evil I will give up drink for life" \r\n\r\n"How could I, a Nun, \r\nsit outside this public house drinking?!" \r\n\r\n"I''ll get the barman \r\nto put it in a teacup for you, then no one will \r\never know."\r\r\n \n\r\nThe Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he \r\n\r\nlowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka \r\nin a \r\nteacup?"\r\n\r\n"Oh no! It''s not that Nun again is it?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1208, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A neutron walks into a bar. \r\n\r\n"I''d like a beer" he says.\r\nThe bartender promptly serves up a \r\nbeer. \r\n"How much will that be?" asks the neutron. \r\n"For you?" \r\nreplies the bartender, "no charge"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1209, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A circus owner \r\nwalked \r\ninto a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little \r\n\r\nshow. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. \r\n\r\nThe circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck \r\nfrom \r\nits owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for \r\n$10,000 \r\nfor the duck and the pot.\r\n\r\nThree days later the circus \r\nowner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your \r\nduck is a ripoff! I put \r\nhim on the pot before a whole audience, and he \r\ndidn''t dance a \r\nsingle step!" \r\n\r\n"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember \r\nto light the \r\ncandle under the pot?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1210, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a bar, and \r\nas he makes his \r\nway to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone \r\nin the bar. As he \r\nfinishes with each group of people, they all get \r\nup and leave and go stand \r\noutside the window, looking in. Finally, \r\nthe bar is empty except for \r\nthis guy and the bartender. The man \r\nwalks up to the counter, and says to \r\nthe bartender, "I bet you $1,000 \r\nthat I can spray beer from my mouth \r\ninto a shot glass from thirty \r\nfeet away, and not get any outside the \r\nglass."\r\n\r\nThe bartender \r\nthinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his \r\n$1,000, so he \r\nagrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty \r\nfeet, \r\nand the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He \r\n\r\ndoesn''t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender \r\n\r\nlooks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, \r\nhuh?"\r\n\r\nThe man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the \r\r\n nwindow $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over \r\nthe \r\nbar."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1211, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man who smelled like a \r\ndistillery flopped on a subway seat \r\nnext to a priest. The man''s tie \r\nwas stained, his face was plastered with \r\nred lipstick, and a half \r\nempty bottle of gin was sticking out of his \r\ntorn coat pocket. He \r\nopened his newspaper and began reading. After a few \r\nminutes, the \r\ndisheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, \r\nfather, what causes \r\narthritis?" \r\n\r\n"Mister, it''s caused by loose living, being with \r\ncheap, wicked women, \r\ntoo much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow \r\nman." \r\n\r\n"Well I''ll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his \r\npaper. \r\n\r\nThe priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man \r\nand \r\napologized. "I''m very sorry. I didn''t mean to come on so \r\nstrong. How long \r\ndid you have arthritis?" \r\n\r\n"I don''t have it \r\nfather. I was just reading here that the Pope \r\ndoes."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1212, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a bar and \r\nsays, "Bartender, give me two shots." \r\nBartender says, "You want them \r\nboth now or one at a time?" The guy \r\nsays," Oh, I want them both \r\nnow. One''s for me and one''s for this \r\nlittle guy here," and he pulls \r\na tiny three inch man out of his pocket.\r\n\r\nThe bartender asks "He \r\ncan drink?" \r\n\r\n"Oh, sure. He can drink." \r\n\r\nSo the bartender \r\npours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks \r\nit all up. \r\n\r\n\r\n"That''s amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can \r\nhe \r\nwalk?" \r\n\r\nThe man flicks a quarter down to the end of the \r\nbar and says, "Hey, \r\nJake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to \r\nthe end of the bar and \r\npicks up the quarter. Then he runs back down \r\nand gives it to the man.\r\n\r\nThe bartender is in total shock. \r\n"That''s amazing" he says, "what \r\nelse can he do? Does he talk?" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w\r\n e \r\nwere in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor''s \r\npowers!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1213, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A good samaritan was walking \r\n\r\nhome late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. \r\n\r\nWanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". \r\n"Would \r\nyou like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the \r\n\r\nsecond floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" \r\n"Yep".\r\n\r\nThen the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn''t want \r\nto \r\nface the man''s irate and tired wife because she may think he \r\nwas the \r\none who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he \r\ncame to and \r\nshoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, \r\nwhen he went \r\nback outside, there was another drunk. So he asked \r\nthat drunk "Do you \r\nlive here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you \r\nupstairs?" \r\n"Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the \r\nfirst drunk. Then \r\nwent back downstairs.\r\n\r\nWhere, to his \r\nsurprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to \r\nhim. But b\r\n efore he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman \r\nand \r\ncried "Please officer, protect me from this man.\r\n\r\nHe''s been doing \r\nnothing all night long but taking me upstairs and \r\nthrowing me down \r\nthe elevator shaft!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1214, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'John & Jessica were on their \r\nway \r\nhome from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the \r\npolice. The \r\nofficer told John that he was stopped because his tail \r\nlight was burned \r\nout. John said, "I''m very sorry officer, I didn''t \r\nrealize it was \r\nout, I''ll get it fixed right away."\r\n\r\nJust then \r\nJessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two \r\ndays \r\nago to get that light fixed." \r\n\r\nSo the officer asked for John''s \r\nlicense and after looking at it said, \r\n"Sir your license has expired." \r\n\r\n\r\nAnd again John apologized and mentioned that he didn''t realize \r\nthat it \r\nhad expired and would take care of it first thing in the \r\nmorning. \r\n\r\nJessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent \r\nyou a letter \r\ntelling you that your license had expired." \r\n\r\n\r\nWell by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him \r\n\r\nin front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice,\r\n  "Jessica, \r\nwill you shut up!" \r\n\r\nThe officer then leaned over \r\ntoward Jessica and asked. "Does your \r\nhusband always talk to you \r\nlike that?"\r\n\r\nJessica replied, "only when he''s drunk."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1215, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A seal walks into a bar \r\n\r\nand asks the bartender for a drink.\r\n\r\nThe bartender asks the seal, \r\n"What''s your pleasure?"\r\n\r\nThe seal replies, "Anything but \r\nCanadian Club."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1216, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'John Smith lived in \r\n\r\nStaten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the \r\n\r\nferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and \r\n\r\nfound there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a \r\n\r\nnearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.\r\n\r\nWhen he \r\ngot back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet \r\nfrom \r\nthe dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for \r\n\r\ndinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the \r\nboat.\r\n\r\n"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck \r\n\r\nhand.\r\n\r\n"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn''t you wait? \r\nWe were \r\njust pulling in!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1217, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Yesterday, scientists in the \r\nUnited States \r\nrevealed that beer contains small traces of female \r\nhormones.\r\n\r\nTo prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve \r\npints of beer \r\nand observed that 100% of them started talking \r\nnonsense and couldn''t \r\ndrive.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1218, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Three vampires walk into a \r\n\r\nbar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the \r\nfirst \r\nvampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I \r\nvould like \r\nsome blood."\r\n\r\nThe waitress turns to the second vampire \r\nand asks what he would like. \r\nThe vampire responds, "I vould like \r\nsome blood."\r\n\r\nThe waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what \r\nhe would like. \r\nThe vampire responds, "I vould like some \r\nplasma."\r\n\r\nThe waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order \r\n\r\ncorrect. You want two bloods and a blood light?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1219, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a pub \r\n\r\nand sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog \r\n\r\nbite?"\r\n\r\n"No."\r\n\r\nA few minutes later the dog takes a huge \r\nchunk out of his leg.\r\n\r\n"I thought you said your dog didn''t bite!" \r\nthe man says indignantly.\r\n\r\n"That''s not my dog."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1220, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A golf club walks into a \r\nlocal bar and asks \r\nthe barman for a pint of beer.\r\n\r\nThe barman \r\nrefuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.\r\n\r\n"You''ll be \r\ndriving later," replies the bartender.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1221, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A motorway walks \r\ninto a \r\npub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. \r\nHe \r\njust sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. \r\n\r\nThe motorway \r\nsees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the \r\nbar and ducks \r\ndown so it won''t see him. The barman looks down at him \r\nand says, \r\n"What''s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You''ve got \r\nsix \r\nlanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of \r\n\r\ntarmac? \r\n\r\nThe motorway replies, "You don''t know him like I do. \r\nHe''s a \r\ncyclepath."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1222, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The bartender asks the guy \r\nsitting at the bar, "What''ll you \r\nhave?" The guy answers, "A scotch, \r\nplease." The bartender hands him \r\nthe drink, and says "That''ll be \r\nfive dollars," to which the guy \r\nreplies, "What are you talking \r\nabout? I don''t owe you anything for this."\r\n\r\nA lawyer, sitting nearby \r\nand overhearing the conversation, then says to \r\nthe bartender, "You \r\nknow, he''s got you there. In the original offer, \r\nwhich constitutes \r\na binding contract upon acceptance, there was no \r\nstipulation of \r\nremuneration."\r\n\r\nThe bartender was not impressed, but says to the \r\nguy, "Okay, you beat \r\nme for a drink. But don''t ever let me catch you \r\nin here again."\r\n\r\nThe next day, same guy walks into the bar. \r\nBartender says, "What the \r\nheck are you doing in here? I can''t believe \r\nyou''ve got the audacity to \r\ncome back!" \r\n\r\nThe guy says, "What \r\nare you talking about? I''ve never been in this \r\nplace in my l\r\n ife!" The bartender replies, "I''m very sorry, but this is \r\n\r\nuncanny. You must have a double."\r\n\r\nTo which the guy replies, "Thank you. \r\nMake it a scotch."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1223, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A brain walks into a bar and \r\n\r\nsays, "I''ll have a pint of beer please."\r\n\r\nThe barman looks \r\nat him and says "Sorry, I can''t serve you."\r\n\r\n"Why not?" askes the \r\nbrain.\r\n\r\n"You''re already out of your head."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1224, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'One night, this guy come \r\ninto a \r\nbar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for \r\nanother. After \r\na couple more drinks, the bartender gets \r\nworried.\r\n\r\n"What''s the matter?" the bartender asks.\r\n\r\n"My wife and I got into \r\na fight," explained the guy "and now she \r\nisn''t talking to me for a \r\nwhole 31 days." \r\n\r\nThe bartender thought about this for a while. \r\n"But, isn''t it a good \r\nthing that she isn''t talking to you?" asked \r\nthe bartender.\r\n\r\n"Yeah, except today is the last night."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1225, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man had been out in the \r\n\r\nback woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn''t \r\n\r\nsmell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for \r\na few \r\nbeers.\r\n\r\nIn the bar, he saw the local jock of the \r\ntown''s football team. He was \r\nbragging about his girlfriend and how she \r\nwas lucky to have him for a \r\nboyfriend.\r\n\r\nThe lumberjack, after \r\ndrinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, \r\n"Buddy, if she went \r\nout with me, she''d never go out with you ever \r\nagain."\r\n\r\nTo \r\nwhich the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, \r\n\r\nshe''d never go out with ANYONE ever again."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1226, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A regular at Bob''s Bar \r\n\r\ncame in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that \r\n\r\nappeared extremely painful.\r\n\r\n"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. \r\n"Who gave those beauties to you?"\r\n\r\n"Nobody gave them to me," said \r\nSam. "I had to fight like crazy for \r\nboth of them."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1227, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a bar and \r\nhas a couple of beers. Once \r\nhe is donem the bartender tells him he \r\nowes $9.00.\r\n\r\n"But I paid, don''t you remember?" says the customer. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that \r\nthe \r\nbartender can''t keep track of whether his customers have paid. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls \r\nthe same \r\nstunt.\r\n\r\nThe barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, \r\nI''ll take your word for \r\nit." \r\n\r\nSoon the customer goes into the \r\nstreet, sees an old friend, and tells \r\nhim how to get free drinks. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls \r\nwhen, \r\nsuddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny \r\nthing \r\nhappened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither \r\npaid and both \r\nclaimed that they did. The next guy who tries\r\n  that is going to get \r\npunched right in the nose." \r\n\r\n"Don''t \r\nbother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. \r\n"Just \r\ngive me my change and I''ll be on my way."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1228, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'It seems a gentleman had too \r\n\r\nmuch alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a \r\n\r\nstate trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn''t walk a \r\nstraight \r\nline any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out \r\na ticket \r\nand had just given it to the driver before an accident in \r\nthe opposite \r\nlane took his attention to more important \r\nmatters.\r\n\r\nThe inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn''t coming \r\nback to \r\nhim, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the \r\nmorning by a \r\nknock at the door, created by two more state \r\ntroopers.\r\n\r\n"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he \r\nwas.\r\n\r\n"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the \r\n\r\ninfluence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.\r\n\r\n"And what did \r\nyou do then," the troopers asked." The man replied \r\nthat he drove his \r\ncar home and went to bed.\r\n\r\n"Where is your car now?" the t\r\n roopers enquired. The man answered that \r\nit was in the \r\ngarage.\r\n\r\n"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," \r\n\r\nand opened the garage.\r\n\r\nInside the garage was the state \r\ntroopers car.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1229, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The drunk was \r\n\r\nfloundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into \r\n\r\na friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"\r\n\r\n"A \r\nmongoose."\r\n\r\n"What for?"\r\n\r\n"Well, you know how drunk I can get. \r\nWhen I get drunk I see snakes, \r\nand I''m scared to death of snakes. \r\nThat''s why I got this mongoose, for \r\nprotection." \r\n\r\n"But," \r\nthe friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." \r\n\r\n\r\n"That''s okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of \r\nthe \r\nbox, "So is the mongoose."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1230, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man drinks a shot of \r\nwhiskey every \r\nnight before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him \r\nto quit; she \r\ngets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the \r\nother with \r\nwhiskey.\r\n\r\nAfter getting him to the table that had \r\nthe glasses, she brings his \r\nbait box. She says "I want you to see \r\nthis." She puts a worm in the \r\nwater it, and it swims \r\naround.\r\n\r\nShe puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then \r\n\r\nsays, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have \r\nto \r\nsay about this experiment?"\r\n\r\nHe responds by saying: "If I \r\ndrink whiskey, I won''t get worms!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1231, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A \r\nman walks into a bar \r\nand orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets \r\nit down. While he \r\nis looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and \r\nsteals the pint \r\nof beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.\r\n\r\nThe man \r\nasks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the \r\npiano \r\nplayer. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you \r\nknow \r\nyour monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum \r\n\r\nit, I''ll play it."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1232, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Every night, after dinner, a \r\nman took off for \r\nthe local tavern. He spent the whole evening \r\nthere, and arrived home very \r\ndrunk around midnight each night. \r\n\r\n\r\nHe always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the \r\n\r\ndoor opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and \r\nlet \r\nhim in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for \r\nhis \r\nconstant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, \r\nHarry \r\ncontinued his nightly routine. \r\n\r\nOne day, the wife was \r\ntalking to a friend about her husband''s \r\nbehavior, and was \r\nparticularly distraught by it all. \r\n\r\nThe friend listened to her, and then \r\nsaid, "Why don''t you treat him a \r\nlittle differently, when he comes \r\nhome? Instead of berating him, why \r\ndon''t you give him some loving \r\nwords, and welcome him home with a kiss? \r\nHe then might change his \r\nways." \r\n\r\nThe wife thought that might be a good idea. \r\n\r\n\r\n That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, \r\nhe \r\narrived home, in his usual condition.\r\n\r\nHis wife heard him \r\nat the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the \r\ndoor, and let \r\nHarry in.\r\n\r\nThis time, instead of berating him, as she had always \r\ndone, she took \r\nhis arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him \r\ndown in an easy \r\nchair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his \r\nshoes off. Then she \r\nwent behind him, and started to cuddle him a \r\nlittle. After a little \r\nwhile, she said to him, "It''s pretty late, \r\ndear. I think we had better go \r\nupstairs to bed, now, don''t you \r\nthink?"\r\n\r\nAt that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we \r\nmight as \r\nwell. I''ll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife \r\nwhen I get home \r\nanyway!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1233, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A small balding man storms \r\n\r\ninto a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest \r\nwhiskey \r\nyou got. I''m so mad, I can''t even see straight." The \r\nbartender, \r\nnoticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours \r\nhim a double \r\nof Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and \r\nsays, "Gimme \r\nanother one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, \r\n"Now, before I \r\ngive you this, why don''t you let off a little steam \r\nand tell me why \r\nyou''re so upset?"\r\n\r\nSo, the man begins his \r\ntale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next \r\ndoor, when this gorgeous \r\nblonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at \r\nthe bar. I thought, \r\n"Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it \r\nwas kind of a \r\nfantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the \r\nblonde leans \r\nover and asks if I''d like to come back to her hotel to \r\nhave dinner \r\nand talk for a while. I couldn''t believe this was happening, \r\n r\nand I hadn''t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my \r\n\r\nhead yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. \r\nThis \r\nseemed just too good to be true."\r\n\r\nHe continued, "She \r\ntook me down the street here to a nice hotel and up \r\nto her room. She \r\nsaid to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be \r\nready to go down \r\nto the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I \r\nput my feet \r\nup and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and \r\nsomeone \r\nstarts fumbling with the door."\r\n\r\n"The blonde says, ''Oh my god, \r\nit''s my boyfriend. He must have lost \r\nhis wrestling match tonight, \r\nhe''s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!''"\r\n\r\n"So, I opened the closet, \r\nbut I figured that was probably the first \r\nplace he would look, so I \r\ndidn''t hide there. Then I looked under the \r\nbed, but no, I figured \r\nhe''s bound to look there, too. By now, I could \r\nhear the key in the \r\nlock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out \r\nand wa\r\n s hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn''t see \r\n\r\nme."\r\n\r\nThe bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit \r\nfrustrated \r\nat this point."\r\n\r\n"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy \r\nfinally get the door open and he yells \r\nout, ''Who you been with now, \r\nyou witch?'' The girl says, ''Nobody, \r\nhoney, now calm \r\ndown.''"\r\n\r\nWell, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door \r\noff \r\nthe closet and throw it across the room. I''m thinking, ''Boy, \r\nI''m \r\nglad I didn''t hide in there.'' Then I hear him lift up the bed \r\nand throw \r\nit across the room. Good thing I didn''t hide under there \r\neither. Then \r\nI heard him say, ''What''s that over there by the \r\nwindow?'' I think, \r\n''Oh God, I''m dead meat now.'' \r\n\r\nBut, the \r\nblonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince \r\nhim to \r\nstop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I \r\nhear \r\nwater running for a long time; I figure maybe he''s gonna take a \r\n \r\nbath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher \r\nof \r\nscalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I \r\nmean, look \r\nat this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and \r\nshoulders!"\r\n\r\nThe bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten \r\nme mad for sure." \r\n"No, that didn''t really bother me. Next, the guy \r\nstarts slamming the \r\nwindow shut over and over on my hands. I mean, \r\nlook at my fingers. \r\nThey''re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto \r\nthis glass."\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at the guy''s hands and says, \r\n"Yeah, buddy, I can \r\nunderstand why you are so upset."\r\n\r\n"No, \r\nthat wasn''t what really got me so angry though."\r\n\r\nThe bartender \r\nthen asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally \r\nmake you \r\nanger?"\r\n\r\n"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and \r\nlooked \r\ndown--I was only about six inches off the ground."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1234, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A fellow decides to \r\ntake \r\noff early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes \r\n\r\nat three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After \r\n\r\nleaving the bar, he returns home on foot.\r\n\r\nWhen he enters his \r\nhouse, he doesn''t want to wake anyone, so he takes \r\noff his shoes and \r\nstarts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the \r\nstairs though, he \r\nfalls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That \r\nwouldn''t \r\nhave been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint \r\nbottles in \r\nhis back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his \r\n\r\nback terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn''t know he was \r\nhurt.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he \r\n\r\nchecked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was \r\ncut up \r\nterribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under \r\nthe \r\ncircumstances, and he went to bed. \r\n\r\nThe next morn\r\n ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he \r\nwas \r\nhunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when \r\nhis \r\nwife came into the bedroom. \r\n\r\n"Well, you really tied one on last \r\nnight," she said. "Where''d you \r\ngo?" \r\n\r\n"I worked late," he \r\nsaid, "and I stopped off for a couple of \r\nbeers." \r\n\r\n"A couple of \r\nbeers? That''s a laugh," she replied. "You got \r\nplastered last \r\nnight. Where did you go?" \r\n\r\n"What makes you so sure I got drunk last \r\nnight, anyway?" \r\n\r\n"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when \r\nI got up this \r\nmorning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the \r\nmirror."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1235, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man had \r\nbeen drinking \r\nat the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his \r\n\r\ngirlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it \r\nwas so \r\ncold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw \r\n\r\nthe man''s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The \r\n\r\nbartender shook his head and walked back inside.\r\n\r\nHe told the \r\ndrunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on \r\nhis \r\ngirlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy \r\nand his \r\ngirlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar \r\nlaughing.\r\n\r\n"What''s so funny?" the bartender asked.\r\n\r\n"That stupid Dave!" the \r\nfellow chortled, "He''s so drunk, he thinks \r\nhe''s me!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1236, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'I walked into a bar the \r\nother day and ordered a double.\r\n\r\nThe bartender brought out a guy who \r\nlooked just like me.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1237, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Two men \r\nwalked into a \r\nbar.\r\n\r\nYou would think at least one of them would have ducked.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1238, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Two cartons of yogurt walk \r\n\r\ninto a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to \r\nthem, \r\n"We don''t serve your kind in here." \r\n\r\nOne of the \r\nyogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We''re cultured \r\n\r\nindividuals."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1239, 'Bar \r\njokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A drunken man was wondering around the \r\nparking lot of \r\na bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the \r\nroofs of the cars. \r\n\r\nThe manager comes out of the bar and stops the \r\nguy. "What the heck are \r\nyou doing?" he asks the drunk. \r\n\r\n\r\n"I''m looking for my car, and I can''t find it." \r\n\r\n"So how does \r\nfeeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. \r\n\r\n"Well," the drunk \r\nreplied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren \r\non the roof!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1240, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Barty and Dunny met in a pub \r\nand discussed the illness \r\nof a friend named Hogan. \r\n\r\n"Poor \r\nMicheal Hogan! Faith, I''m afraid he''s goin'' to die." \r\n\r\n"Shure, \r\nan'' why would he be dyin''?" asked the other. \r\n\r\n"Ah, he''s gotten \r\nso thin. You''re thin enough, and I''m thin -- but \r\nby my soul, \r\nMicheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put \r\ntogether."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1241, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The local District Judge had \r\ngiven the defendant a lecture on the evils \r\nof drink. But in view of \r\nthe fact that this was the first time the man \r\nhad been drunk and \r\nincapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten \r\nshillings costs. \r\n\r\n\r\n"Now don''t let me ever see your face again," said the Justice \r\n\r\nsternly as the defendant turned to go. \r\n\r\n"I''m afraid I \r\ncan''t promise that, sir," said the released man. \r\n\r\n"And why not?" \r\n\r\n\r\n"Because I''m the barman at your regular pub!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1242, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Monahan stumbled \r\ninto a \r\nsaloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall \r\nis \r\na penguin?" \r\n\r\n"About two and a half feet." \r\n\r\n"Thank God!" \r\ncried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1243, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', '"Didja hear the news?" \r\n\r\nasked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife \r\n\r\nleft him!" \r\n\r\n"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1244, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The Lone Ranger and Tonto \r\n\r\nwalked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few \r\n\r\nminutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big \r\nwhite \r\nhorse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, \r\nand said, \r\n"I do. Why?" \r\n\r\nThe cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger \r\nand said, "I just thought you \r\nwould like to know that your horse is \r\njust about dead outside!!" The Lone \r\nRanger and Tonto rushed outside \r\nand, sure enough, Silver was about dead \r\nfrom heat exhaustion. The \r\nLone Ranger got him some water and made him \r\ndrink it, and soon \r\nSilver was starting to feel a little better. \r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger turned \r\nto Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run \r\naround Silver and see \r\nif you can create enough of a breeze to make him \r\nstart to feel \r\nbetter." \r\n\r\nTonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles \r\naround \r\nSilver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lon\r\n e Ranger returned to \r\nthe bar to finish his drink. \r\n\r\nA few \r\nminutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, \r\n"Who \r\nowns that big white horse outside?" \r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger stands \r\nagain and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him \r\nthis time?" \r\n\r\nThe \r\ncowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to \r\n\r\nknow............ you left your Injun running!!!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1245, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a Kansas \r\nbar \r\nwith his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs \r\n\r\nallowed in the bar." "Oh please?," begs the customer.\r\n\r\nYou see, \r\nyou''re playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big \r\nfan of \r\nthe Royals." "You''re trying to tell me that this here dog is a \r\n\r\nBASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. \r\n"No \r\nanimals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don''t \r\n\r\nlike baseball!"\r\n\r\nJust then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes \r\nwild. He jumps up on the \r\nbar and hops around in circles on his hind \r\nlegs. Then he does the same \r\non his front legs! The bartender is \r\nastounded. "That is the most\r\namazing thing I''ve ever seen! Who ever \r\nthought a DOG could like \r\nbaseball?! I''m curious though....if he gets \r\nthat excited when the Royals get \r\na hit, what does he do when they \r\nget a home run?"\r\n\r\n"I don''t know," confesses the owner, "I\r\n ''ve only had him for five \r\nyears."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1246, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'The local bar was so sure \r\nthat its bartender was the \r\nstrongest man around that they offered a \r\nstanding $1000 bet. The bartender \r\nwould squeeze a lemon until all \r\nthe juice ran into a glass, and hand the \r\nlemon to a patron. Anyone \r\nwho could squeeze one more drop of juice out \r\nwould win the money. \r\n\r\n\r\nMany people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, \r\netc.) \r\nbut nobody could do it. \r\n\r\nOne day this scrawny little man \r\ncame into the bar, wearing thick \r\nglasses and a polyester suit, and \r\nsaid in a tiny squeaky voice " I''d like \r\nto try the bet" \r\n\r\n\r\nAfter the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a \r\n\r\nlemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind \r\n\r\nto the little man. \r\n\r\nBut the crowd''s laughter turned to \r\ntotal silence as the man clenched \r\nhis fist around the lemon and six \r\ndrops fell into the glass!! \r\n\r\nAs the crowd cheered, the bartend\r\n er paid the $1000, and asked the \r\nlittle man "what do you do for a \r\nliving? Are you a lumberjack, a \r\nweight-lifter, or what?" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1247, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Q: What did \r\nthe \r\nbartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? \r\n\r\nA: Ok \r\nyou 2, dont start anything');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1248, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'It was Halloween and three \r\n\r\nvampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will \r\nyou \r\nhave?" the bartender asked. \r\n\r\n"I''ll have a glass of \r\nblood," the first replied. \r\n"I''ll have a glass of blood, too, please," \r\nsaid the second. \r\n"I''ll have a glass of plasma," said the third. \r\n\r\n"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That''ll be two \r\n\r\nbloods and a blood light?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1249, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Twenty-four hours in a \r\nday... twenty-four \r\nbeers in a case... coincidence?');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1250, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'One day a drunk walked into \r\na bar and \r\nordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured \r\nthe rest on the \r\nbartender. \r\nThe bartender got angry, grabbed the \r\ndrunk by the collar, pulled him \r\nclose to his face, and asked, \r\n\r\n"Why did you do that?" \r\nThe drunk said very apologetically, "I am so \r\nvery sorry sir. Please \r\nforgive me. I can''t help it. It''s an \r\nillness I can''t get rid of. I am \r\nso ashamed of it. How can I make it up \r\nto you?" \r\nThe bartender answered, \r\n"Haven''t you seen anyone \r\nabout this problem?" \r\nThe drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe \r\nI will." \r\nThe bartender said, "Don''t come back until you do get \r\nhelp," and the \r\ndrunk left. \r\nAbout three months later the drunk came \r\nback to the same bar, ordered \r\nanother gin and tonic, drank half of \r\nit, and poured the rest of it on \r\nthe bartender. \r\nThe bartender \r\nshouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until \r\nyou got\r\n  help!" \r\nThe drunk replied, "I did. Now I don''t feel ashamed."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1251, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A guy walks \r\ninto a \r\ntavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man \r\nplaying \r\nthe piano, so he asked the bartender, "What''s that all \r\n\r\nabout?"\r\n\r\nThe bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy \r\nasked \r\nthe bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get \r\nyour \r\ndrink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one \r\nwish."\r\n\r\n"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and \r\n\r\nrubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You \r\nhave \r\none wish."\r\n\r\nThe guy thought about it and then wished for \r\na million bucks. A cloud \r\nof smoke filled the room, and then both \r\nthe genie and the guy \r\ndisappeared. In a few minutes, the guy \r\nreappeared back in the bar with a million \r\nducks all around him.\r\n\r\nThe \r\nguy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn''t want \r\na \r\nmillion ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a\r\n  \r\ntwelve-inch Pianist?"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1252, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A rather attractive woman \r\ngoes up to the bar in a \r\nquiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to \r\nthe bartender who comes \r\nover immediately.\r\n\r\nWhen he arrives, \r\nshe seductively signals that he should bring his face \r\nclose to hers. \r\nWhen he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard \r\nwhich is \r\nfull and bushy.\r\n\r\n"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking \r\nhis face with both \r\nhands.\r\n\r\n"Actually, no," he \r\nreplied.\r\n\r\n"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running \r\n\r\nher hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.\r\n\r\n"I''m afraid I \r\ncan''t," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. \r\n"Is there \r\nanything I can do?"\r\n\r\n"Yes there is. I need you to give him a \r\nmessage," she continues \r\nhuskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth \r\nand allowing him to suck \r\nthem gently. "Tell him that there is no \r\ntoilet paper in the ladies \r\nroom."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1253, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Recently scientists revealed \r\n\r\nthat beer contains small traces of female hormones.\r\n\r\nTo prove \r\ntheir theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of \r\nbeer \r\neach. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained \r\n\r\nweight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and \r\n\r\ncouldn''t drive.\r\n\r\nNo further testing is planned.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1254, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A man walks into a bar and \r\nasks for \r\nsix shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What''s \r\nwrong?"\r\n\r\n"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the \r\nman.\r\n\r\nThe next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six \r\nshots of \r\nvodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.\r\n\r\n"I found out \r\nmy younger brother is gay," replied the man.\r\n\r\nThe night after \r\nthat, the man walked into the bar again and asked for \r\nsix shots of \r\nvodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" \r\nasked the \r\nbartender.\r\n\r\nThe man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1255, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A Texan bought a round of \r\n\r\ndrinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a \r\n\r\ntypical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later \r\nhe returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him \r\nand asked, \r\n"Aren''t you the father of the typical Texas baby that \r\nweighed twenty \r\npounds at birth?"\r\n\r\n"Yup, shore am!"\r\n\r\n"How much does he \r\nweigh now?"\r\n\r\nThe proud father answered, "Ten pounds."\r\n\r\nThe \r\nbartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty \r\npounds."\r\n\r\nThe proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1256, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'Old man \r\nO''Malley had \r\nworked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just \r\nwasn''t \r\npaying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over \r\ninto the \r\nbeer vat and drowned.\r\n\r\nThe foreman thought it should be his job \r\nto inform the Widow O''Malley \r\nof her old man''s death. He showed up \r\nat the front door and rang the \r\nbell. When she came to the door, he \r\nsaid, "I''m sorry to tell you, but \r\nyour poor husband passed away at \r\nwork today when he fell into the vat \r\nand drowned."\r\n\r\nShe wept \r\nand covered her face with her apron and after a time, between \r\nsobs, \r\nshe asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"\r\n\r\n"Knowing Brian O''Malley as \r\nwell as I did, I don''t think so," said \r\nthe foreman, "He got out \r\nthree times to go to the men''s room."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1257, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'A \r\nrather confident man \r\nwalks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very \r\nattractive woman. \r\nHe gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his \r\nwatch for a \r\nmoment.\r\n\r\nThe woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running \r\nlate?"\r\n\r\n"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art \r\nwatch and I \r\nwas just testing it."\r\n\r\nThe intrigued woman says, "A \r\nstate-of-the-art watch? What''s so \r\nspecial about it?"\r\n\r\n"It \r\nuses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he \r\nexplains.\r\n\r\n"What''s it telling you now?" she asked.\r\n\r\n"Well, it says you''re not \r\nwearing any panties." he said.\r\n\r\nThe woman giggles and replies, \r\n"Well it must be broken then because I \r\nam wearing panties!"\r\n\r\nThe \r\nman explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1258, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', '"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what''s a \r\n\r\n''Breathalyzer''?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next \r\nbarstool.\r\n\r\n"Well, I''d have to say that it''s a bag that tells you when \r\nyou''ve \r\ndrunk way too much," answered the equally wasted \r\ngent.\r\n\r\n"Ah hell, whaddya know? I''ve been married to one of those for \r\n\r\nyears!"');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1259, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: consumption of \r\nalcohol may make you think you are \r\nwhispering when you are not.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1260, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: consumption of \r\nalcohol may cause you to \r\nroll over in the morning and see something \r\nreally scary (whose species \r\nand or name you can''t remember).');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1261, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: consumption of \r\nalcohol may \r\nlead you to believe you are invisible.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1262, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: consumption of \r\n\r\nalcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1263, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: Consumption of \r\n\r\nalcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small \r\n(and \r\nsometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally \r\n\r\ndisappear.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1264, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: consumption of \r\nalcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the \r\nworld. Proceed with \r\ncaution.');
INSERT INTO `new_jokes` VALUES (1265, 'Bar jokes, beer, booze and fun!', 'WARNING: consumption of \r\nalcohol may create \r\nthe illusion that you are tougher, han