# MySQL dump # # Database is ported from MS Access #-------------------------------------------------------- # Program Version 2.0.46 CREATE DATABASE IF NOT EXISTS `movedb`; USE `movedb`; # # Table structure for table 'JOKES_BIG' # DROP TABLE IF EXISTS `JOKES_BIG`; CREATE TABLE `JOKES_BIG` ( `Auto` INTEGER, `JokeCategory` VARCHAR(255), `JokeName` VARCHAR(255), `Joke` TEXT ) TYPE=MyISAM; # # Dumping data for table 'JOKES_BIG' # INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5318, 'Animal Jokes', 'Vampire Bat', 'A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.\"OK, follow me\" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. \"Now, do you see that tree over there?\" he asked. \"Yes, Yes, Yes!\" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. \"Good\" said the bat, \"Because I sure as hell didn\'t!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5319, 'Animal Jokes', 'Dog named Sex', 'Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him \"Rover\" or \"Spot\". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog\'s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, \"I would like to have one too!\" Then I said, \"But she is a dog!\" He said he didn\'t care what she looked like. I said, \"You don\'t understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.\" He replied, \"You must have been quite a strong boy.\" When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, \"But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.\" He said he didn\'t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, \"You don\'t understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.\" The clerk said, \"Me too!\" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. \"You don\'t understand,\" I said, \"I hoped to have Sex on TV.\" He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, \"Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.\" The Judge said, \"Me too!\" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o\'clock in the morning. I said, \"I\'m looking for Sex.\" -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I\'ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, \"What seems to be the trouble?\" I replied, \"Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn\'t live any longer so lonely.\" and the doctor said, \"Look mister, you should understand that sex isn\'t a man\'s best friend so get yourself a dog.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5320, 'Animal Jokes', 'Ant and Elephant have romance', 'An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. \"Shit!\" says the ant. \"One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5321, 'Animal Jokes', 'Difference between a cat and a dog...', 'A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5322, 'Animal Jokes', 'rabbits chased by wolf', 'Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, \"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5323, 'Animal Jokes', 'horse', 'This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5324, 'Animal Jokes', 'bear and a rabbit', 'A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says \"I will grant each of you three wishes.\"The bear says \"I wish all the bears in the forest were females.\" *poof* It\'s done.The rabbit says \"I wish for a motorcycle.\" *poof* It\'s done.The bear says \"I wish all the bears in this country were females.\" *poof* It\'s done.The rabbit says \"I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house.\" *poof* It\'s done.The bear is thinking to himself \"why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well.\" \"And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female.\" *poof* It\'s done.The rabbit says \"For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay.\" And he rides off on his motorcycle.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5325, 'Animal Jokes', 'Do Elephants Ever Forget?', 'Q: Does an elephant ever forget?A: Only if you loan him money.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5326, 'Animal Jokes', 'Elephants and Cell-Phones', 'Q: Why don\'t elephants use cellular phones?A: So the rest of the world won\'t know their plans.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5327, 'Animal Jokes', 'I\'ll have a Penguin; shaken, not stirred', 'Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic?A: Because they can\'t fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5328, 'Animal Jokes', 'A blind man in a store', 'A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, \"What are you doing?!!\" The blind man replies, \"Just looking around.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5329, 'Animal Jokes', 'There are no dogs allowed here', 'A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says \"You can\'t bring that dog in here!\" The guy, without missing a beat, says \"This is my seeing-eye dog.\" \"Oh man, \" the bartender says, \"I\'m sorry, here, the first one\'s on me.\" The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says \"You can\'t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it\'s a seeing-eye dog.\" The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says \"Hey, you can\'t bring that dog in here!\"The second man replies \"This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The bartender says, \"No, I don\'t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.\" The man pauses for a half-second and replies \"What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5330, 'Animal Jokes', 'Racoon Joke', 'Why did the raccoon cross the road? He didn\'t, he got hit by a car.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5331, 'Animal Jokes', 'Seeing Eye Dog', 'A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man\'s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog\'s head.Having watched what happened, a passerby said, \"Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!\"\"I know,\" said the blind man, \"but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5332, 'Animal Jokes', 'Got Any Grapes?', 'A ducks walks into a bar and asks, \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn\'t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, \"Got any grapes?\" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: \'\'Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!\'\' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, \'\'Got any nails?\'\' Confused, the bartenders says no. \'\'Good!\'\' says the duck. \'\'Got any grapes?\'\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5333, 'Animal Jokes', 'Grape and Elephant', 'Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?A: None. It just lets out a little wine.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5334, 'Animal Jokes', 'Legion Camel #1', 'A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert. She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won\'t budge.The woman stops and says, \"Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?\"The legionarie tells her the camel won\'t budge but she\'s welcome to try. The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel\'s testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.The captain drops his pants and says, \"Great! Do me next, I\'ve got to catch that son of a bitch!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5335, 'Animal Jokes', 'Legion Camel #2', 'A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, \"The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?\"The corporal replies, \"On Fridays, they let us use the camels.\"The lieutentent is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn\'t he.The next friday, the young lieutentent slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.The same corporal comes in to investigate. \"Lieutenent! What are you doing.\"\"Come on man,\" replied the embarrased officer, \"You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays.\"\"Yes sir,\" replied the corporal. \"But most of us just ride them into town.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5336, 'Animal Jokes', 'Legion Camel #3', 'A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, \"The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?\"The corporal replies, \"On Fridays, they let us use the camels.\"The lieutenent can\'t beleive it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn.The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp decended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenent sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, \"Let me go! Let me go!\"\"Good God man,\" said the lieutenent. \"There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What\'s your hurry?\"The corporal replied, \"I don\'t want to get stuck with an ugly one!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5337, 'Animal Jokes', 'Moles', 'A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, \"Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!\" The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, \"Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!\" The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn\'t get passed the two bigger moles.Finally giving up, he said, \"The only thing I can smell is molasses.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5338, 'Animal Jokes', 'elephant sex', 'Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?Yup, if one steps on you, you\'re screwed.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5339, 'Animal Jokes', 'King of the Jungle', 'Three animals were having a hugeargument over who was the best.The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.The second,a lion,based his claim on his strength. No animal in the forest dared to challenge him.The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any animal using his unique arsenal.As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion, and stinker!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5340, 'Animal Jokes', '2 jokes', 'What do u get if u cross bambi wit a ghost?BAMBOOWhat is a duck\'s favourite TV show?THE FEATHER FORECASTGET IT? hahaha'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5341, 'Animal Jokes', 'Chucky goes to the movies', 'An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, \"Sir, what\'s that on your shoulder?\"The old farmer said, \"That\'s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.\"\"I\'m sorry sir.\", said the ticket agent, \"We don\'t allow animals in the theater.\"The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.\"Marge\", whispered Mildred.\"What\", said Marge.\"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.\", said Mildred.\"What makes you think that\", asked Marge.\"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out\", whispered Mildred.\"Well, don\'t worry about it\", said Marge, \"At our age we\'ve seen them all.\"\"I thought so\", said Mildred, \"But this one is eating my popcorn.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5342, 'Animal Jokes', 'The three legged chicken', 'A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn\'t cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. \"Well we figure,\" said the farmer, \"that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.\" \"That\'s pretty wise,\" said the man, who then asked \"Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?\"\"I don\'t know,\" said the farmer. \"We\'ve never been able to catch one.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5343, 'Animal Jokes', 'CHICKEN', 'Q:Why didn\'t the chicken cross the road?A: because he was a \"chicken\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5344, 'Animal Jokes', 'The Bunny and the Snake', 'Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.\"Oh, my,\" said the bunny, \"I\'m terribly sorry. I didn\'t mean to hurt you. I\'ve been blind since birth, so I can\'t see where I\'m going. In fact, since I\'m also an orphan, I don\'t even know what I am.\"\"It\'s quite OK,\" replied the snake. \"Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you\'ll have that going for you.\"\"Oh, that would be wonderful\" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, \"Well, you\'re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I\'d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.\"\"Oh, thank you! Thank you,\" cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, \"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you\'ve helped me.\"So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, \"Well, you\'re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I\'d say you must be French\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5345, 'April Fools Jokes', 'i got a referal', 'I never do anything that i would get a referl in school for. So one day in 8th grade i asked one of my teachers to write me up. And he did. When i got home my mom was sleeping and my dad was in the living room. I handed him the copy that i got to take home and he read it. while he was reading it u gould see the anger building in him. Then he laughed at the end. My mom comes out of the room awhile later and reads it. While she is reading it she asks me questions like \"who was it?\" And she luaghed at the end. A this is what it said i had been cuaght by three girls writing that a teacher sucks in the girls bathroom and that i would be suspended for a couple of days and that i would have to by paint to cover it up and at the end it said that i knew that this was a april fools joke my parent were pissed before they read that i knew it was a joke'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5346, 'April Fools Jokes', 'Toilet', 'Toilet TrickHey, this party was on April Fool\'s Day, so anything goes, right? Anyway, at the party there were two bathrooms. I went to the busiest one and did my usual medicine cabinet snooping and found some Icee Hot behind the mirror. So, on my way out I smeared the toilet seat with a thin layer of gel.After I left, I got a beer but positioned myself so I could see if the next person out reacted. Yeah, baby!The heat hit this chick as she was just leaving. Her eyes popped open and she did a 180 degree turn right back into the bathroom.Good practical joke: priceless.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5347, 'April Fools Jokes', 'Daylight savings time', 'Daylight Spending TimeWhen I was in junior high school my mother played agood trick on my father. She was always an earlyriser (as in 5:00 a.m.). My father had to get up at7:00 for work. She went around the house and set allthe clocks to 9:25 or so, then ran frantically intohis room, and woke him up yelling \"John! John! Youoverslept!\" He was just about out the door before shebroke down and let him in on the joke.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5348, 'April Fools Jokes', 'Mom, I\'m pregnant!', 'One April Fools Day, when I was about 15 or 16, I told my mom I was pregnant. It was really funny to see her reaction, but I got in major trouble when I told her I was joking. Some people just don\'t appreciate a good joke...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5349, 'Bar Jokes', 'Who is Drunk?????', 'The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn\'t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you\'re RICH and you\'re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you\'re still CLEVER you know all the words.THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn\'t possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5350, 'Bar Jokes', 'Two Irish Men in A bar', 'There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah..I\'m originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?! Me too!Guy 1: I went to O\'Malley Highschool.Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?Guy 1: 1988!guy 2: Same here!A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.The bar tender replied, \" Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5351, 'Bar Jokes', 'Flush', 'A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo\'s through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, \"What\'s all the screaming about in there? You\'re scaring my customers!\" The drunk responds, \"I\'m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.\" The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You\'re sitting on the mop bucket!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5352, 'Bar Jokes', 'drunk guy and the nun', 'There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn\'t move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. \"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5353, 'Bar Jokes', 'me drunk?', 'A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn\'t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn\'t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn\'t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.\"Well, you really tied one on last night,\" she said.\"Where\'d you go?\" \"I worked late,\" he said, \"and I stopped off for a couple of beers.\"\"A couple of beers? That\'s a laugh,\" she replied, \"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?\"\"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?\"\"Well,\" she replied, \"my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5354, 'Bar Jokes', 'high tech', 'A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there\'s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn\'t need any trouble here. The guy says, \"You don\'t understand. I\'m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.\" The bartender says \"Prove it.\" The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. \"That\'s incredible!\" says the bartender. \"I would never have believed it!\" \"Yeah\", said the guy, \"I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men\'s room?\" The bartender directs him to the men\'s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn\'t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men\'s room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. \"Oh my god!\" said the bartender. \"Did they rob you? Are you hurt?\" The guy turns and says: \"No, no, I\'m ok. I\'m just waiting for a fax.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5355, 'Bar Jokes', 'beer and a box', 'A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, \"PLAY\". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said \"SING\". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some \'oldies but goodies\', then all of the current favorites.A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk \"You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!\" The drunk laughed heartily and replied \"I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?\"The bartender responded \"What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!\" \"The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend\", chuckled the drunk. \"That mouse can\'t sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5356, 'Bar Jokes', '25 signs you\'ve had too much to drink', 'Please try the following:'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5357, 'Bar Jokes', 'spit on my beer', 'One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.Frank had just bought another beer and he didn\'t want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: \"I spit in my beer.\"When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: \"I spit in your beer, too!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5358, 'Bar Jokes', '3 Vampires in Bar', 'Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,\"I\'d like a pint of blood.\" The second vampire says,\"I\'d like a pint of blood, too.\" Then the third vampire says,\"I\'d like a pint a plasma.\" Then the bartender says,\"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5359, 'Bar Jokes', 'Blowin Chunks', 'Okay a man is in a bar and he\'s gettin really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him, \"Do you wanna drink?\"And the man replies, \"Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night I was blowing Chunks all night!\"And the bartender says, \"Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk.\"Then the man says, \"No you dont understand my dog\'s name is Chunks.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5360, 'Bar Jokes', 'the knot', 'A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer. The waiter says, \"I am sorry but we can\'t serve strings here.\"The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, \"Waiter, give me a beer.\" The waiter says,\"Hey aren\'t you the string who came in here earlier.\"The string replies, \"No, I\'m a fraid knot.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5361, 'Bar Jokes', 'Who can say this sentence?', 'The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, \"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.\" So the Doberman says, \"I love liver and cheese.\" The Collie replies, \"That\'s not good enough.\" The Bulldog says, \"I hate liver and cheese.\" She says, \"That\'s not creative enough.\" Finally, the Chihuahua says, \"Liver alone . . . cheese mine.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5362, 'Bar Jokes', 'Make a horse Cry.', 'A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see\'s a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5 So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves. The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see\'s the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST $10 So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks \"How did you do that?\" The guy says \"The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5363, 'Bar Jokes', 'In And Out Of Puddles', 'A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, \"What\'s your name?\"\"Huey,\" replies the duck. \"So, how\'s your day been?\"\"Oh, I\'ve had a great day,\" replies Huey. \"I\'ve been in and out of puddles all day.\" The bartender asks the second duck, \"What\'s your name?\" \"Duey,\" replies the duck.\"So, how\'s your day been?\" \"Oh, I\'ve had a great day,\" replies Duey. \"I\'ve been in and out of puddles all day.\" The witty bartender says to the third duck, \"So I guess your name is Louie?\" The duck replies, \"No, I\'m Puddles.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5364, 'Bar Jokes', 'Body Building', 'A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, \"See there, baby? That\'s 1000 pounds of Dynamite!\" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder\'s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, \"See those, baby? That\'s 1000 pounds of dynamite!\" She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, \"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?\" She replies, \"With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5365, 'Bar Jokes', 'One Last Night', 'One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.\"What\'s the matter?\" the bartender asks. \"My wife and I got into a fight,\" explained the guy \"and now she isn\'t talking to me for a whole 31 days.\" The bartender thought about this for a while. \"But, isn\'t it a good thing that she isn\'t talking to you?\" asked the bartender. \" Yeah, except today is the last night.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5366, 'Bar Jokes', 'The Bar Basement', 'Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, \'\'If you can sit in my basement for a day I\'ll give you free beer forever.\'\' So the first man says, \'\'Easy. I can do that.\'\' But he walks out after five minutes and says, \'\'It\'s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.\'\' So the second man tries his luck, but can\'t take more than 10 minutes. Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, \'\'Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!\'\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5367, 'Bar Jokes', '12 Shots', 'A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, \"Dang, why are you drinking so fast?\" The guy says, \"You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.\" The bartender says, \"What do you have?\" The guy says, \"75 cents.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5368, 'Bar Jokes', 'Twelve Inch Pianist', 'This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.“Hey, what\'s that?” “A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.” “Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. “Ducks? I didn\'t wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!” “Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5369, 'Bar Jokes', 'The Hamster Show', 'A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing \"Tuff Enuff\" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. \"That IS amazing!\" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. \"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?\" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings \"You Ain\'t Seen Nothing Yet\" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who\'s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. \"Are you nuts?\" asks the bartender. \"You could\'ve made a fortune off that frog.\" \"Can you keep a secret?\" asks the man. \"The hamster\'s a ventriloquist.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5370, 'Bar Jokes', 'Stumpy Legged Pink Dog', 'A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, “Geez that\'s a weird dog: he\'s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn\'t have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.” 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it\'s all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?” The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5371, 'Bar Jokes', 'Furniture salesman', 'Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar comiserating. One says, \"Man! If I don\'t move some furniture this month, I\'m going to lose my ass.\"The second salesman says, \"Watch your mouth! There\'s a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m\'aam.\"The woman looks at him and says, \"That\'s OK. I\'m a hooker. If I don\'t move some ass this month, I\'m going to lose my furniture!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5372, 'Bar Jokes', 'Man in pub', 'A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, \"Who\'s in the lounge?\" The bartender replies. \"15 people playing darts.\" The man says, \"Get them a pint too.\"Then he asks, \"Who\'s upstairs?\" The bartender replies, \"150 people at the disco.\"The man says, \"Get them a drink too.\" The bartender says, \"That will be $328 please.\"The man says, \"Sorry but I haven\'t got that much money on me.\"The bartender says, \"If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.\"The man says, \"I\'ve all ready been there.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5373, 'Bar Jokes', 'the drunk contest', 'A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it\'s for. The bartender replies, \"Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.\"The man asks, \"What are the tasks?\"\"First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.Then, well, there\'s a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play.\" said the bartender.\"Damn.\" says the man.Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, \"I\'m in.\"He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he\'s out cold.The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, \"Now where\'s that lady with the blunt tooth.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5374, 'Bar Jokes', 'Walks in a bar', 'A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says \"Is this a joke?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5375, 'Bar Jokes', 'Cow Pat Lip Gloss', 'An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don\'t shine.He dropped the horse\'s tail,stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.\"Hold on there, Mister,\" said the sheriff.\"Did I just see what I think I saw?\"\"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.\"\"And that cures them?\" the Sheriff asked.\"Nope, but it keeps me from lick\'en \'em.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5376, 'Bar Jokes', 'Big 10 Inch', 'Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn\'t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..\"I sure do,\" he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.\"Wow!\" said his friend, \"where did you get that monster.\"\"I got it from my genie.\"\"You have a genie?\" he asked.\"Yes, he\'s right here in my pocket.\"\"Could I see him?\"He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, \"I\'m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?\"\"Yes I will,\" the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master\'s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, \"What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!\"He answers, \"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5377, 'Blonde Jokes', 'pillsbury dough boy', 'what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5379, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde and The Coke Machine', 'This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded\" I\'m not gonna quit until I stop winning.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5380, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Ventriloquist', 'A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he\'s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: \"I\'ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person\'s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It\'s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!\" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, \"You stay out of this, mister! I\'m talking to that little shit on your knee.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5381, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde and screen door', 'What do a blonde and a screen door have in common? The more you bang them the looser they get. What is the difference inbetween a blonde and a brick? The brick only gets layed once. What do a blonde and spaghetti have in common? The more you eat them the more they wiggle.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5382, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blond Alligator Shoes', 'Young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted to > > take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was > > very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for > > the highly prized shoes. > > > > After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle on prices\" attitude of > > one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Well then, maybe I\'ll just > > go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a > > decent price!\" > > > > The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, \"Little lady, ya\'ll just > go and give it a try, why don\'cha!\" > > The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shop- keeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky swamp water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, \"Damn, this one is barefoot, too!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5383, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blondes and Turtles', 'What do turtles and blondes have in common? If they\'re on their back, they\'re screwed!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5384, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde\'s memo to her boss', 'TO: BossFROM: BlondieRE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven\'t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: JanuarkFebruarkMakJulkI also changed all the days of each week to: SundakMondakTuesdakWednesdakThursdakFridakSaturdak We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5385, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde\'s medical exam', 'A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. \"Miss Smith,\" he said finally, \"it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5386, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde weighs baby', 'At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant\'s weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. \"That won\'t work,\" countered the woman. \"I\'m not the mother, I\'m the aunt.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5387, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde and Hairdresser', 'A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde\'s headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5388, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Blonde and the Postman', 'It was the mailman\'s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup\'s bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what\'s the dollar for?\" \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.\" He said, \"Screw him, give him a dollar.\" The blonde then said, \"The breakfast was my idea.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5389, 'Blonde Jokes', 'blonde and the bowling ball', 'Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.A2: You can\'t fit the blonde in the bowling ball.A3: There is no difference. They\'re both round and have three holes to poke.A4: You don\'t eat your bowling ball.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5390, 'Blonde Jokes', 'blonde and the washing machine', 'Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?A:Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won\'t follow you around for a week.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5391, 'Blonde Jokes', 'The three wishes', 'There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.The brunette said, \"I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.\", and poof her wish was granted.The redhead said, \"I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.\", and poof her wish was granted.Then the blond said, \"I wish my friends were here with me.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5392, 'Blonde Jokes', 'blonde q and a\'s', 'Q: What\'s a blonde\'s favorite wine? A: \"Daddy! can I go to Miami! Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you change a blonde\'s mind?A: Blow in her ear. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?A: There are some things even a blonde won\'t do.Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: What\'s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline! Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: What do UFO\'s and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Why can\'t blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: \"Mary... that\'s cute. What did you name the other one?\" Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. Q: What do blondes say after sex?A: \"Thanks, guys!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5393, 'Blonde Jokes', 'blonde kidnap', 'A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I\'ve kidnapped you.\" She then wrote a note saying, \"I\'ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.\" The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid\'s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5394, 'Blonde Jokes', 'some more blonde q & a\'s', 'Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone.Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why aren\'t blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can\'t even keep two calves together! Q: What did the blonde\'s right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They\'ve never met.Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?A: Because, that\'s where you\'re supposed to wash vegetables! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can\'t bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?A: So she wouldn\'t get Hearing Aides.Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw \"911\" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn\'t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She\'d just blow dried her hair and she didn\'t want it blown around too much. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5395, 'Blonde Jokes', 'lots some more blonde q & a\'s', 'Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: What was the blonde psychic\'s greatest achievment?A: An IN-body experience!Q: What\'s a blonde\'s favorite nursery rhyme?A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: How do you make a blonde\'s eyes light up?A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them.Q: What\'s the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don\'t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. Q: Why don\'t blondes eat Jello? A: They can\'t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don\'t blondes eat bananas? A: They can\'t find the zipper.Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.Q: Why don\'t blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth.Q: Why don\'t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?A: Cause their balls show! Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?A: It\'s the only car name they can spell. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.Q: What\'s the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduces herself. Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What\'s a blonde\'s idea of safe sex?A: Locking the car door.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5396, 'Blonde Jokes', 'blonde swimming', 'There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn\'t be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. \"What took you so long?\" inquired the Redhead.\"There were some strong currents out there! But I\'m here now! Am I the last?\" replied the Brunette.\"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere.\" They decided to wait.Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde \"What took you so long?\"\"What do you expect? You guy\'s cheated, replied the idignant blonde, \"You used your hands!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5397, 'Blonde Jokes', 'even more blonde q and a\'s', 'Q: What\'s the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. Q: What do blondes say after sex? A: \"Are you boys all in the same band?\"Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?A: Because she\'s been laid all over the country. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?A: She drops her nail-file Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde\'s ear?A: Data transfer.Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?A: A wine cellar. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?A: Peroxide. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They\'re both empty from the neck up.Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said \"DON\'T WALK\".Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?A: So she wouldn\'t wake up the sleeping pills.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5398, 'Blonde Jokes', 'last requests', 'Three women are about to be executed. One\'s a brunette, one\'s a redhead, and one\'s a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"Suddenly the brunette yells, \"Earthquake!!\" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The redhead then screams, \"Tornado!!\"Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\" The blonde shouts, \"Fire!!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5399, 'Blonde Jokes', 'Odd jobs', 'A blonde who\'s down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, \"Sure anything.\" \"Well, I\'ve been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?\" the man replies.\"I don\'t know, say $50 bucks.\" \"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started.\" He closes the door and walks back inside.His wife asks him, \"Who was at the door?\" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, \"$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more.\" \"But that\'s all she said she wanted, and anyway she\'s a dumb blonde!\"10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, \"All done.\" With a surprised look on his face, \"I can\'t believe it, you\'re already done painting the entire porch.\"\"Yes, and by the way it\'s not a porch it\'s a Ferrari.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5400, 'Blonde Jokes', 'blonde and the puzzle', 'A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, \"Can you help me when you get home?\"\"Sure,\" he replies. \"What\'s the problem?\"\"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can\'t even find the edge pieces.\" \"Look on the box,\" he said. \"There\'s always a picture of what the puzzle is.\" \"It\'s a big rooster,\" she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, \"Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5401, 'Blonde Jokes', 'cant stop with the q and a\'s', 'Q: Why couldn\'t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?A: Because she didn\'t know which one came first!Q: How can you confuse a blonde?A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?A: Alone. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A: Nothing, they never met.Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can\'t fetch a beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?A: Because the blondes couldn\'t manage it either. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?A: A Golden retriever! Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts? A: Change! Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know which day of the week it is. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won\'t follow you around for a week! Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?A: Gifted. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren\'t admitted! Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she\'s pregnant. Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?A: She threw out all the W\'s'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5402, 'Blonde Jokes', 'boat troubles', 'During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5403, 'Blonde Jokes', 'ice fishing', 'A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: \"There are no fish in there\".So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.\"How do you know there are no fish there?\" asks the blonde.So the man cooly says \"Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you\'re going to have to pay for those holes.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5404, 'Blonde Jokes', 'did you hear about...', 'Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the \"Vacant\" sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn\'t get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5405, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Love, Santa', 'Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can\'t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5406, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Poor Turkey!', 'When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. \"Come around August, now listen to me, each day you\'ll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you\'ll be thick, where once you were thin, and you\'ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you\'re warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer\'s wife, and hack off your head, Then she\'ll pluck out all your feathers so you\'re bald \'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin\' in the sink. And then comes the worst part\", he said not bluffing, \"She\'ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing\". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I\'d have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But \'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I\'m a pet in the farmer\'s wife\'s lap. I haven\'t a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... \"Christmas is coming...\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5407, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Homemade Bargain Gift', 'Here\'s a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5408, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Christmas at the Post Office', 'Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!-Johnny Carson'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5409, 'Christmas Jokes', 'The Office Christmas Party', 'What I don\'t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!-Phyllis Diller'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5410, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Believing in Santa', 'Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!-Charlie Viracola'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5411, 'Christmas Jokes', 'The Miracle of Christmas', 'I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5412, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Jews & Christmas', 'December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5413, 'Christmas Jokes', 'Bad Santa', 'A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5414, 'Clean Jokes', 'Motherinlaw\'s Funeral', 'A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5415, 'Clean Jokes', 'Mohammed and Douglas Adams', 'Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5416, 'Clean Jokes', 'What\'s on your back?', 'A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.The head of the tribe says to the German, \"What do you want on your back for your whipping?\"The German responds, \"I will take oil!\" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, \"What do you want on your back?\" \"I will take nothing!\" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.\"What will you take on your back?\" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, \"I\'ll take the Mexican.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5417, 'Clean Jokes', 'Jump out of the plane!', 'An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, \"We\'re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.\"The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, \"God Save The Queen,\" and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, \"Viva La France,\" and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, \"Remember the Alamo,\" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5418, 'Clean Jokes', 'irish ... light bulb joke', 'How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5419, 'Clean Jokes', 'a nerd, a nude, and a bike', 'A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, \"Where did you get such a nice bike?\"The second nerd replied, \"Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, \'Take what you want!\'\"The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, \"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn\'t have fit.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5420, 'Clean Jokes', 'Death becomes nerd', 'A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying \"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!\" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, \"You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?\" The truck driver says, \"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I\'m hauling.\" The bartender says, \"OK, truck drivers are not nerds,\" and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks, \"Why did you do that?\" The bartender said, \"Oh, don\'t worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don\'t even need a license.\" So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can\'t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, \"What\'s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.\" \"Sure,\" said the patrolman, \"But you can\'t bait \'em.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5421, 'Clean Jokes', '10 Signs Your Amish Teen\'s In Trouble', '10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.8. Shows up at barn raisings in full \"Kiss\" makeup.7. When you criticize him, he yells, \"Thou sucketh!\"6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by \"Jeb Daddy.\"5. Defiantly says, \"If I had a radio, I\'d listen to disco!.\"4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.3. Uses slang expression: \"Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain\'t listening.\"2. Was recently pulled over for \"driving under the influence of cottage cheese.\"1. He\'s wearing his big black hat backwards.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5422, 'Clean Jokes', 'You Know You\'re Out Of College When...', '1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven\'t seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You\'re not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that \"Bachelor\" is a nicer term for a jackass.14. \"Extended childhood\" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15. \"Twenty-something\" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren\'t staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don\'t raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don\'t know what time Wendy\'s closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5423, 'Clean Jokes', 'Accountants and Engineers on a Train', 'Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.\"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asks an accountant. \"Watch and you\'ll see,\" answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don\'t buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket?\" says one perplexed accountant. \"Watch and you\'ll see,\" answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5424, 'Clean Jokes', 'You know you drink too much coffee when...', '1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.2. You chew on your roommate\'s fingernails. 3. You can jump-start your car without cables. 4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it\'s not plugged in. 5. You can\'t remember your second cup. 6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug. 7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house. 8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 9. You don\'t sweat -- you percolate. 10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5425, 'Clean Jokes', 'How To Be Annoying (A Guide)', 'Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you \"like it that way.\" Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people\'s backpacks. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is \"to go.\" Set alarms for random times. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter\'s Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of \"Sweating to the Oldies\" over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: \"Do you hear that?\" \"What?\" \"Never mind, it\'s gone now.\" Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone\'s shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Drive half a block. Name your dog \"Dog.\" Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with \"That\'s what YOU think.\" Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a \"real hoot\". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don\'t want to fall off \"in case the big one comes\". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers\' brains, such as \"Feliz Navidad. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it\'s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you\'ve borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to \"interface\" with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your \"superior mental processing.\" Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant \"swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!\" Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn\'t rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about \"psychological profiles.\"Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a \"magic picture\". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you\'ll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate \"crop circles\" in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person\'s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people\'s parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5426, 'Clean Jokes', 'Top Ten Subtle Differences Between College And Hell', '10. It doesn\'t snow in Hell.9. Everyone has heard of Hell.8. It\'s more fun getting into Hell.7. You can\'t fail out of Hell.6. At least you can sleep in Hell.5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.4. People smile in Hell.3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.2. You know there are hot men in Hell.1. You wouldn\'t tell a friend to go to college.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5427, 'Clean Jokes', '45 Cool Things To Do In A College Dorm Shower Stall', '1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, \"I didn\'t know I had one of THOSE!\"2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor\'s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim \"Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.\" Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune \"It\'s a Small World After All.\"7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them \"Not to do it\" and ask them \"Not to give in to sin\". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn\'t know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage \"ditch\". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting \"Redrum! Redrum!\" in your best groggy voice.14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan \"Ohhhh, um, uh-oh\", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain \"ditch\" for all to see.15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage \"ditch\", complaining about the quality of water these days.18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of \"Old McDonald Had A Farm\", making the sound of their animal in the stall.19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don\'t tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn\'t give them the right to spread it.22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim \"Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?\"25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and -Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at peopleusing the toilet stalls.33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to thefloor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Threedays later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and errorize the school.34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon eaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans.Be cocky.35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a \"Mmm!\" sound, and thenannounce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind oftastes like head cheese.36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.37. Steal everyone\'s clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.38. Hang \"Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown\" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.40. Stare at people\'s feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout \"I\'m coming for you, Moby!\". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they\'ll pay.43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5428, 'Clean Jokes', '50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator', '1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: \"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!\"4. Whistle the first seven notes of \"It\'s a Small World\" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: \"Got enough air in there?\"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: \"Noogie patrol coming!\"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go \"plink\" at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: \"I\'ve got new socks on!\"18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: \"Oh, not now, motion sickness!\"19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter \"gotta go, gotta go\" then sigh and say \"oops!\"23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing \"Mary had a little lamb\" while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler \"Chutes away!\" whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says \"human head\" on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce \"You\'re one of THEM!\" and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say \"mmmm...tasty!\"29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers \"through\" it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask \"is that your beeper?\"34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say \"Ding!\" at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say \"I wonder what all these do\" and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your \"personal space.\"41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: \"Wanna see wha in muh mouf?\"43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: \"I must find a more suitable host body.\"46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear \"X-Ray Specs\" and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say \"I think it\'s getting larger.\"50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler \"Bad touch!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5429, 'Clean Jokes', 'Proof That Santa Doesn\'t Exist - For Nerds!', 'There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa\'s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can\'t be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth\'s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g\'s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he\'s dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5430, 'Clean Jokes', '.....olympics', 'Why isn\'t Mexico in the olympics?...Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5431, 'Clean Jokes', 'Whats the diffrence', 'whats the differance between a camera and a sock???A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5432, 'Clean Jokes', 'A Son\'s Love', 'An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.Shortly, he received this reply,\"For HEAVEN\'S SAKE Dad, don\'t dig up that garden, that\'s where I buried the Money!\"At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.His son\'s reply was: \"Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It\'s the best I could do from here.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5433, 'Clean Jokes', 'Chinese and Spielberg', 'A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he seesSteven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, \"You Chinese peoplebombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.\" The astonished Chinese man replied, \"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese\".\"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same,\" replied Spielberg.In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, \"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.\" Shocked, Spielberg replies, \"It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.\" The Chinese man, replies, \"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you\'re all the same.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5434, 'Clean Jokes', 'You\'re so dumb...', 'You\'re so dumb, you stare at an orange juice can just because it says concentrate.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5435, 'Clean Jokes', 'Bigfoot', 'Why did the runner quit the race against bigfoot?He couldn\'t face defeet!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5436, 'Clean Jokes', 'Had too much Christmas cheer?', '1. You know you have if you... notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad. 8. You hear a duck quacking, and it\'s you. 9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party\'s at your place. 12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you\'re in front of the hall mirror. 14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 17. You realize you\'re the only one under the coffee table.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5437, 'Clean Jokes', 'Final Examination', 'Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. \"Congratulations! You\'re a free man. Just tell me why didn\'t you jump?\" asked the doctor.To which the third patient answered, \"Well Doc, I can\'t swim!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5438, 'Clean Jokes', 'Did you ever wonder?', 'Can you cry under water?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?If money doesn\'t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?Why do you have to \"put your two cents in\"...but it\'s only a \"penny for your thoughts\"? Where\'s that extra penny going to?Once you\'re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?Why does a round pizza come in a square box?What did cured ham actually have?How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?Why is it that people say they \"slept like a baby\" when babies wake up like every two hours?If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They\'re going to see you naked anyway.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?Why is \"bra\" singular and \"panties\" plural?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5439, 'Clean Jokes', 'God vs Satan', 'And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald\'s, and McDonald\'s brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, \"You want fries with that?\", and Man said, \"Super size them.\"And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, \"Try my crispy fresh salad.\"And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, \"I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.\"And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.And Man gained pounds.And God said, \"You\'re running up the score, Devil.\"And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Satan saw that and said, \"It is good.\"And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...And Satan created private health insurance ....'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5440, 'Clean Jokes', 'Math', 'Why is math always sad?Because it has too many problems.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5441, 'Clean Jokes', 'The Cow and the Chicken', 'So there is a cow and a chicken. And the cow goes... Baak!Baak! LOL (why would a cow go baak!?!) LOLAnd... LOL...the chicken goes ...LOL...Moo!LOL(why would a chicken say moo!?!) ....'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5442, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Trick or Treat', 'I never actually grapsed the whole \"Trick or treat\" ultimatum.Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5443, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Surgery', 'I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they\'re out of there-Charlie Viracola'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5444, 'Comedian Jokes', 'HMO', 'My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.It\'s a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5445, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Gas Stations', 'Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5446, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Taxes', 'The IRS says they can\'t give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don\'t have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can\'t find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5447, 'Comedian Jokes', 'IRS', 'The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you\'re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.-Conan O\'Brien'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5448, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Psychic Phenomena', 'Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5449, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Protesting', 'I\'m against picketing, but I don\'t know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5450, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Escalators', 'An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an \"Escalator temporarily out of order\" sign, just \"Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.\"-Mitch Hedberg'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5451, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Environment', 'The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. \"Pollution? It\'s those damn trees.\"Jay Leno'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5452, 'Comedian Jokes', 'THe guy who invented the hokey pokey\'s funeral', 'eariler this week i went to the guy who inveted the hokey pokey\'s funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5453, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Paddy', 'I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.He told me that he walked out because the guyasked me for my name and i said\"Paddy Milligan\". He said \"How do you spell\"Milligan\"? he replied'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5454, 'Comedian Jokes', 'My Dog', 'Having a dog is great, it\'s just the \'dog people\' that freak me out. \"Oh, look at her, she\'s precious,just like Mommy.\" Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain\'t leaving the house.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5455, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Gas Station', 'Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station.This irishman came on to do a song. He stoodnext to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded.He started singing \"I\'m Still Standing\"!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5456, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Inflatable high heels', 'I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date butunfortunately she\'d popped her clogs.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5457, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Drown my troubles', 'I\'ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can\'t get my wife to go swimming!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5458, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Pray for a bike', 'When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn\'t work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5459, 'Comedian Jokes', 'Marmite Competition', 'I was in a good mood last week. I entered a competition and won a years supply of marmite.....one jar!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5460, 'Computer Jokes', 'imigration test', 'You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America? Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence. So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: \"When the phone goes \'GREEN GREEN GREEN\' I PINK it up and say \'YELLOW?\'\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5461, 'Computer Jokes', 'Computer Dictionary Part I', 'BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in \"Our daughter\'s computer cost quite a bit.\"BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can\'t get your computer to perform, as in \"You %@& computer!\"DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom \"just to look.\" EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day\'s work in 30 minutes.FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user\'s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see \"CHIPS\").HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven\'t laid a finger on since getting your computer.IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you\'ll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you\'ll never see again after buying a computer because you\'ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5462, 'Computer Jokes', 'Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore crash', 'Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they\'re in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne. God addresses Al first. \"Al, what do you believe in?\" Al replies, \"Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we\'ll all die.\" God thinks for a second and says, \"Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.\" God then addresses Bill Clinton. \"Bill, what do you believe in?\" Bill Clinton replies, \"Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people\'s pain, but not inhaling.\" God thinks for a second and says, \"Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.\" God then addresses Bill Gates. \"Bill Gates, what do you believe in?\" Bill Gates said, \"I believe you\'re in my chair.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5463, 'Computer Jokes', 'Tech Glossary', '486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.State-of-the-art: Any computer you can\'t afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple\'s new Macs that make you say \'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \'gooey\') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5464, 'Computer Jokes', 'If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer', 'If you messed up your life, you could press \"Ctrl, Alt, Delete\" and start all over!To get your daily exercise, just click on \"run\"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.Hit \"any key\" to continue life when ready.To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.When you loose your car keys, click on find.\"Help\" with the chores is just a click away.Auto insurance wouldn\'t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.And, we could click on \"SEND NOW\" and a Pizza would be on it\'s way to you.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5465, 'Computer Jokes', 'Addicted To Computers', 'Ten ways to know that you\'re addicted to your computer:- 10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL. 9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse. 8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family. 7) Your computer is your ONLY friend. 6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex. 5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I\'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL). 4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers. 3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM. 2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated. 1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5466, 'Computer Jokes', 'Colombian computer joke', 'Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5467, 'Computer Jokes', 'Now thats lazy!', 'My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5468, 'Computer Jokes', 'Program Manager', 'A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.\"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you.\"The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, \"I\'d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.\"\"It is done\", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.The software engineer thinks a moment and says, \"I\'d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.\"\"It is done\", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, \"I\'d like those two back in the office after lunch.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5469, 'Computer Jokes', 'Things You Don\'t Want Your System Admin To Say', 'Things You Don\'t Want Your Sysadmin To Say1. Uh-oh...2. Oh S***!3. What the heck?!?4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)5. That\'s SOOOOO bizarre.6. Wow!! Look at this...7. Hey!! The Suns don\'t do this.8. Terminated?!?9. What software license?!?10. Well, it\'s doing SOMETHING...11. Wow...that seemed fast...12. I got a better job at Lockheed...13. Management says...14. Sorry, the new equipment didn\'t get budgeted.15. What do you mean that wasn\'t a copy?16. It didn\'t do that a minute ago...17. Where\'s the GUI on this thing?18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...19. Where\'s the DIR command?20. The drive ate the tape but that\'s OK, I brought my screwdriver.21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there\'s LOTS of free space.22. What\'s this \"any\" key I\'m supposed to press?23. Do you smell something?24. What\'s that grinding sound?25. I have never seen it do THAT before...26. I don\'t think it should be doing that...27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...28. You might as well all go home early today...29. My leave starts tomorrow.30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...32. Why is my \"rm -R *\" taking so long?\"33. Hmmm, curious...34. Well, MY files were backed up.35. What do you mean you needed that directory?36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?38. I didn\'t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?40. We\'re standardizing on AIX.41. Wonder what THIS command does?42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5470, 'Computer Jokes', 'Computer Crashed', 'My computer crashed and died today And I thought, \"oh well what the hey\" Now I\'d have time to clean my house And see if I still had a spouseIt started out with weird frustrations Combined with mild heart palpitations And then my ankles began to swell Withdrawal symptoms from no AOLChills ran up and down my spine Oh, God I had to get on-line To greet my buds and check my mail I began to feel helpless and frailThen I remembered the Good Guy\'s Store And all those computers by the door I\'d go there and when alone With no one looking I\'d sign-onI stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem soundI was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to poundThen I typed my password, and the computer said, \"Goodbye\" And that\'s what I kept hearing each time that I would try. This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fixI ...slowly... typed... my... password... then...I... stood....and...waited The darned thing said , \"Goodbye\" again and I got real frustrated That\'s when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking screamWhen I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think I asked the data entry cop, if he\'d get me a drink Now I\'m sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5471, 'Computer Jokes', 'Microsoft ad space', 'Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. \"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a \"general protection fault\" or \"illegal operation\" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it,\" said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5472, 'Computer Jokes', 'Internet Test', 'Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you\'re addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict\'s Reality Test.Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny.b) Bill Gates IV.c) Mozilla and Dotcom. What\'s a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.c) Something you plug into a modem. Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!c) I had a wonderful day :-) You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:a) Visit the washroom.b) Raid the fridge.c) Check your E-mail. What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.b) Hulking stars of the WWF.c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.b) Never read E-mail titled \"Good Times\".c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it.b) Check out the Yellow Pages.c) Go to Yahoo! When you don\'t understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer.b) Call the manufacturer\'s toll-free number.c) Visit the manufacturer\'s Web site and look for the FAQ. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I\'m Jane!b) Hi, I\'m a Taurus on the cusp.c) Hi, I\'m a 5\'10\" hot blonde with a super bod. When you\'re interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself.b) What\'s your star sign?c) What\'s your Profile? If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What\'s your E-mail address?c) Let\'s chat Private. When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can.b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.c) I mailbomb all spammers! When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don\'t need another mug coaster.b) Great! I\'ll reformat and use it for backups.c) Great! I\'ll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper.b) Open Eudora.c) Ask: What\'s a letter? Is it like E-mail? Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing.b) Underline and double-strike.c) Bold and italic. You correct errors using:a) An eraser.b) White-out.c) Backspace or delete. You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith.b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.b) Take it to the photocopier.c) Check your Sent Mail folder.SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each \"a\" response, five for each \"b\" and 10 for each \"c\".If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you\'re living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn\'t read this far.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5473, 'Computer Jokes', 'If Operating Systems Were Beers', 'DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it\'s no longer available.Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a \"light\" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that \"you don\'t need to know.\" A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.Windows 3.1 Beer: The world\'s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer\'s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won\'t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.Windows 95 Beer: You can\'t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it\'s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer\'s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer\'s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer\'s - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an \"industrial strength\" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn\'t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn\'t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you\'re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians\' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5474, 'Computer Jokes', 'TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM', 'TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM 9.9999973251 It\'s a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug8.9999163362 It\'s the new math 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don\'t Need to Know What\'s Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We\'re Looking for a Few Good Flaws0.9999999998 The Errata Inside'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5475, 'Computer Jokes', '50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB', '1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream \"Oh my God! They\'ve found me!\" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can\'t get the darn thing to work. After he/she\'s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it\'s set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the \"Smurfs\" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don\'t know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don\'t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say \"Just in case...\" mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they\'re crazy while typing.14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, \"Oops, I forgot.\" 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray \"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,\" and scream \"YES!\" when it finishes. 17. \"DISK FIGHT!!!\" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you\'re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing \"The Lion Sleeps Tonight\" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2\" disc drive, when it doesn\'t work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it\'s all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor\'s keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout \"You will all perish in flames!!!\" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer\'s mouse. 35. Borrow someone else\'s keyboard by reaching over, saying \"Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?\", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn\'t affected). Then look at your neighbor\'s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: \"Does *your* delete key work?\" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you\'ve deleted about a page of your neighbor\'s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: \"Well, whaddya know? I\'ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn\'t deleting! Ha!\" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer\'s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say \"You did that?\" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell \"COVEEEEERRRRRR!\" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. \"Oh, good. It worked this time,\" and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who\'s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you\'ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you\'re a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it\'s the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn\'t work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim \"You\'re such a marvel!!\", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout \"Armageddon is here!!!!!\", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, \"Give me that computer or you\'ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week\". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5476, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Parrrot boy & daddy', 'There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up withred,green,& yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, \"Hey, old man, what are you lookin\'at,eh? Didn\'t you doanything strange when you were a teenager?\" \"Well, yeah,\" the old man answered. \"Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can\'t help but think that maybe you\'re my son.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5477, 'Dirty Jokes', 'The old mans bird', 'Theres an old man laying on the beach nakedand a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that.the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing aroundit is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around himhe asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you wentto sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5478, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Dirty minds', 'Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5479, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Blonde & KFC (Kentucy Fried Chicken)', 'What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5480, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Reload.', 'A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn\'t want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, \"So that\'s how you guys load those things!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5481, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Little Carrie likes to screw', 'It\'s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He\'s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl\'s father answers and invites him in. \"Carrie\'s not ready yet. Why don\'t you have a seat?\"Carrie\'s father asks Bobby what they\'re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.\"Why don\'t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!\" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie\'s dad to repeat himself.\"Yeah,\" says Carrie\'s father, \"Carrie really likes to screw; she\'ll screw all night if we let her!\"A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she\'s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, \"Dad, it\'s called the twist!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5482, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Abstinence', 'Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. \"Can of PAINT!\" exclaimed the minister. \"Yeah,\" said the newlywed man. \"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.lust took over.\" The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.\"That\'s okay,\" said the man. \"We\'re not welcome in Home Depot either.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5483, 'Dirty Jokes', 'College Rules', 'On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?\" One student asked, \"How much for a season pass?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5484, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Foot Tall', 'A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, \"What\'s in the bag?\" The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?\" The man says, \"I don\'t know. Rub the lamp and see.\" So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, \"You may have one wish.\"The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, \"Your wish is granted,\" and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says, \"I didn\'t wish for a million ducks.\" The man replies, \"Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5485, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Sunday School', 'Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\" When Mary didn\'t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty !\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\", but Mary didn\'t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I\'ll break it in half!\" The Teacher fainted.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5486, 'Dirty Jokes', 'That IS The Only Difference', 'What\'s the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5487, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Hired Help', 'A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, \"Who is this?\" \"This is the maid,\" answers the woman. \"We don\'t have a maid,\" says the man. The woman says, \"I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.\" The man says, \"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?\" The woman replies, \"She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband.\" The man is fuming and says to the maid, \"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?\" The maid says, \"What will I have to do?\" The man tells her, \"I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she\'s with.\" The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone \"What do I do with the bodies?\" The man says, \"Throw them in the swimming pool.\" Puzzled, the maid answers, \"But you don\'t have a pool.\" A long pause and the man says, \"Is this 567-5309?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5488, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Pre-Nuptial Agreements', 'A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. \"I\'ll only marry you under three conditions.\" she said.\"Anything, anything,\" said the ambassador.\"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.\"Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, \"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!\" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.\"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.\" The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, \"Yes, yes, I build, I build!\" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. \"Finally,\" she said. \"I\'ll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool.\"A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, \"Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5489, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Three Nuns', 'Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, \"I was cleaning in Father\'s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!\"\"What did you do?\" the other nuns asked.\"Well, of course I threw them in the trash,\" she replied.The second nun said, \"Well, I can top that. I was in Father\'s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!\"\"Oh my!\" gasped the other nuns. \"What did you do?\" they asked.\"I poked holes in all of them!\" she replied.The third nun fainted.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5490, 'Dirty Jokes', '101 Things Not To Say During Sex', 'But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor\'s closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let\'s turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you\'re as good looking when I\'m sober... Holding a banana) It\'s just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you\'re on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You\'re good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don\'t know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn\'t work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It\'s nice being in bed with a woman I don\'t have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You\'re almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you\'re just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They\'re not cracker crumbs, it\'s just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn\'t even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You\'ll still vote for me, won\'t you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I\'ll tell you who I\'m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you\'re fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don\'t you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen \"Fatal Attraction\"? Sorry about the name tags, I\'m not very good with names. Don\'t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn\'t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don\'t worry, my dog\'s really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don\'t do toes! You could at least ACT like you\'re enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I\'ll bet you didn\'t know I work for \"The Enquirer\". So that\'s why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I\'ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend\'s turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I\'m only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be \"almost there\"? You mean you\'re NOT my blind date?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5491, 'Dirty Jokes', 'May September Marriage', 'A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.\"Really?\" said the doctor. \"You\'re healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?\"The old man says, \"OK, doc. I\'ll think about it.\" Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.\"Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.\"The doctor nods knowlingly and says, \"So you took my advice and took in a boarder?\"The old man winked and said, \"Yep. And she\'s pregnant too!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5492, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Starch in your Shorts', 'Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. \"You\'ll never get that worm back in his hole,\" said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.\"Billy! You\'re a genius,\" exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. \"Grampa,\" said the boy, \"You already gave me a dollar.\"\"No,\" replied grampa, \"That dollar\'s from grandma!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5493, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Old Beach Babe', 'Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, \"Do you still get horny?\"The other replies, \"Oh sure I do.\" The first old lady asks, \"What do you do about it?\" The second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\" After a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5494, 'Dirty Jokes', 'The Hundred Nuns', 'One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, \"There was a man in the convent last night.\" 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.The head nun goes on, \"We found a condom in the garden.\" Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goeshee hee hee.The head nun continues \"There was a hole in that condom.\" 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5495, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Speed Limit', 'What\'s the speed limit of sex?68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5496, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Speaking of Sex', 'A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex. Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw. Wife: \"That\'s strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5497, 'Dirty Jokes', 'wooo mama!', 'One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, \"Sure son, but don\'t look up and don\'t look down.\"So they\'re taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, \"Woo mama! What are those?\"She says, \"Those are my headlights.\" The kid says \"Ahh.\"Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, \"Woo mama! What is that?\" and she replies back with, \"That is my garage.\" The kid says \"Ahh.\"The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he\'s scrubbing himself with the soap,he drops it. When he picks it up he says, \"Woo daddy! What is that?\" The father replies back, \"That\'s my limousine.\"That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, \"Sure, just don\'t look under the covers.\"Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says \"Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5498, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Girl\'s School', 'The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. \"I don\'t understand why you girls can\'t understand the male sex organ. You\'ve had it pounded into you all semester!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5499, 'Dirty Jokes', 'The 3 holes', 'A guy\'s car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.He asks the man at the counter, \"Do you have any rooms available?\"The man at the counter says, \"Yeah, but don\'t stick your dick in the 3 holes.\"\"OK.\" The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,\"Ahh,that feels good!\" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,\"Ahh,that feels even better!\" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,\"OUCH!!My dick!!\"He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, \"You stuck your dick in the three holes didn\'t you?\"He said, \"Yeah, how did you know? \"The man at the counter said, \"Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5500, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Cucumber&pickle', 'A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation. The pickle said to the cucumber, \"I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar.\"The cucumber said to the pickle, \"Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad.\"The penis walks by and overhears them and says, \"I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5501, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Whats a Australian Kiss..', 'What\'s an Australian kiss?The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5502, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Nun on the Bus', 'A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. \"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I\'ve ever seen and I must have sex with you.\" he says. \"I\'m sorry but I\'ve given my body to God.\" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says \"I know a way you can get her in the sack.\" The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he\'s going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says \"Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.\" She replies \"Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.\" The guy figures this isn\'t a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, \"Surprise I\'m the guy on the bus.\" With that the nun turns around and says, \"Surprise I\'m the bus driver.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5503, 'Dirty Jokes', 'Old man\'s sperm cup', 'There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife\'s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife\'s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn\'t get the lid off of the specimen cup.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5504, 'Doctor Jokes', 'College Physics', 'A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.\"Why do we have to learn this stuff?\" the frustrated student blurted out.\"To save lives,\" the professor responded before continuing the lecture.A few minutes later the student spoke up again. \"So how does physics save lives?\"The professor stared at the student without saying a word. \"Physics saves lives,\" he finally continued, \"because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5505, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Different Kinds of Doctors', 'There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:General Practitioners know nothing and do little.Surgeons know little and do everything.Internists know everything and do nothing.Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it\'s usually too late.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5506, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Pete', 'Pete was sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a 6-foot-tall cockroach standing on his doorstep. The cockroach punched Pete between the eyes and scampered off.The next evening, Pete was sitting at home wen the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. This time, he hit Pete in the stomach and karate chopped him on the back before running away.The third evening, Pete as again sitting at home when he heard the doorbell. He answered the door and for the third time the cockroach was there. It leapt at him and managed to stab him several times before running off.The gravely injured Pete was barely able to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He stopped by Pete\'s hospital room and asked him what happened. Pete explained about the 6-foot-tall cockroach\'s attacks, culminating in the near-fatal stabbing.The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment and said, \"Yes, there\'s a nasty bug going around!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5507, 'Doctor Jokes', 'How to Argue the Price of a Screw', 'A well known, rich business man\'s wife broke her hip. The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the business man a bill for $5,000 for his services. The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor responded to the letter with the following:1 Screw: $1.00Knowing how to put it in: $4,999Total: $5,000The business man never argued.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5508, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Professional Courtesy?', 'A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, \"Hi there handsome. How ya doing?\"She then wiggled her backside and walked off.\"Who was that?\" demanded the doctor\'s wife.\"Er- just a woman I met professionally.\" stammered the doctor.\"Oh yeah?\" his wife snarled. \"In whose profession? Yours or hers?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5509, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Diseases', 'The doctor took Dan into the room and said, \"Dan, I have some good news and some bad news.\"\"Oh, no. Give me the good news, I guess,\" Dan replied.\"They\'re going to name a disease after you.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5510, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Dentist', 'Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, \"Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.\" The woman replies, \"Yes. Now, we’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5511, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Waiting Room', 'I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, \"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!\"The man replied, \"How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.\" The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.Mr. Smith stood up and said, \"Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.\"The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, \"I think I need a breath of fresh air.\" The man continued, \"I work for 7-UP.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5512, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Deodorant', 'A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don’t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, \"Push up bottom to use.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5513, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Birth Control', 'An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, \"I’d like to have some birth control pills.\" Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, \"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?\" The woman responded, \"They help me sleep better.\" The doctor thought some more and continued, \"How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?\" The woman said, \"I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5514, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Jelly', 'I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, \"So how’s your breakfast this morning?\" \"It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,\" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled \"KY Jelly.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5515, 'Doctor Jokes', 'College', 'It is recounted that at King’s College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year’s rounds by teaching \"a singularly important principle of medicine.\" He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. \"Diabetes,\" he said, \"is a Greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic...\"By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.\"Now,\" said the Registrar grinning, \"you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation.\"We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. \"You see,\" the registrar said continuing triumphantly, \"I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5516, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Why did the nurse go to art school?', 'Why did the nurse go to art school?Answer: To learn how to draw blood!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5517, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 1', 'A man comes into the ER and yells; \"My wife\'s going to have her baby in the cab!\" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady\'s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5518, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 2', 'At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient\'s anterior chest wall. \"Big breaths,\" I instructed. \"Yes, they used to be,\" remorse the patient.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5519, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 3', 'One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a \"massive internal fart.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5520, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 4', 'I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, \"Cover your right eye with your hand.\" He read the 20/20 line perfectly. \"Now your left.\" Again, a flawless read. \"Now both,\" I requested. There was silence. He couldn\'t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5521, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 5', 'While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, \"How long have you been bedridden?\" After a look of complete confusion she answered... \"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5522, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 6', 'I was caring for a woman and asked, \"So how\'s your breakfast this morning?\" \"It\'s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can\'t seem to get used to the taste\" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled \"KY Jelly.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5523, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 7', 'A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, \"Keep off the grass.\" Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient\'s dressing, which said, \"Sorry, had to mow the lawn.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5524, 'Doctor Jokes', 'Doctor\'s Notes 8', 'A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, \"I\'m sorry. Was I tickling you?\" She replied, \"No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5525, 'Free Jokes', 'The student and the teacher', 'This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC\'S first so he started saying them\" A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z and the teacher said that\'s great but where\'s the P at he said it\'s running down my leg!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5526, 'Free Jokes', 'Blind Pilots', 'Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots\' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they\'re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, \"You know, Bob, one of these days, they\'re going to scream too late, and we\'re all gonna die. . .\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5527, 'Free Jokes', 'Fire Truck', 'A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman\'s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says \"Hey little girl. What are you doing?\" The little girl says \"I\'m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!\" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. \"Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!\" the fireman says. \"Thanks mister\" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. \"Little girl\", says the fireman, \"I don\'t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog\'s neck I think you could go faster.\" The little girl says, \"You\'re probably right mister, but then I wouldn\'t have a siren!\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5528, 'Free Jokes', 'Mirror cross the road', 'Why did the mirror cross the road?To see itself!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5529, 'Funny Jokes', 'Today is my daughter\'s 18th birthday...', 'I\'m so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, \"Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother\'s house and tell her that this is the last check she\'s ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that\'s on her face.\" So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, \"Now what did she have to say?\" \"She told me to tell you that you ain\'t my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5530, 'Funny Jokes', 'Underwear is Important!', 'Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5531, 'Funny Jokes', 'Top 10 Reasons Why Hurricane Season is Like Christmas', 'Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven\'t been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for \"specials\" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don\'t normally buy ... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ... 1. At some point you know you\'re going to have a tree in your house!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5532, 'Funny Jokes', 'How to Get A Good Night Sleep', 'By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. \"You\'ve got to have a room somewhere\" he pleaded.\" -- Or just a bed - I don\'t care where.\" \"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,\" admitted the manager,\" and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I\'m not sure it\'d be worth it to you.\" \"No problem,\" the tired travelers assured him. \"I\'ll take it.\" The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. \"How\'d you sleep?\" asked the manager. \"Never better.\" The manager was impressed. \"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?\" \"Nope, I shut him up in no time\" said Dave. \"How\'d you manage that?\" asked the manager. \"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,\" Dave explained.\" I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, \'Goodnight, beautiful,\' and he sat up all night watching me.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5533, 'Funny Jokes', 'Welfare', 'A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, \"Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I\'d really rather have a job.\" The social worker behind the counter says, \"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You\'ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he\'ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You\'ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You\'ll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.\" The guy says, \"You\'re bullshitting me!\" The social worker says, \"Yeah, well, you started it.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5534, 'Funny Jokes', 'Do you like my new jacket?', 'Do you like my new jacket?It\'s great. Shame your body doesn\'t suit it, though.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5535, 'Funny Jokes', 'never forget a face', 'I never forget a face!But in your case I\'ll make an exception!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5536, 'Funny Jokes', 'face like a million dollars', 'You\'ve a face like a million dollars.All green and wrinkled!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5537, 'Funny Jokes', 'trip from beauty parlor', 'I\'ve just come back from the beauty parlor!What a pity it was closed!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5538, 'Funny Jokes', 'pretty little head', 'She has a pretty little head-- for a head, it\'s pretty little.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5539, 'Funny Jokes', 'yesterday\'s coffee', 'She\'s like yesterday\'s coffee -- a little weak in the bean.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5540, 'Funny Jokes', 'own mind', 'He says he has a mind of his own. He\'s welcome to it-- who else would want it?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5541, 'Funny Jokes', 'bone specialist', 'He should study to be a bone specialist -- he has the head for it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5542, 'Funny Jokes', 'his mind', 'He has one of those mighty minds -- mighty empty. He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5543, 'Funny Jokes', 'insults part 1', 'He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light. He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap. There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally. His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood. The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains. If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM! He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister. A traffic judge asked him, \"Have you ever been up before me?\" And he said, \"I don\'t know, what time do you get up?\" Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn\'t help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women. He\'s never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn\'t know what to feed them. He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers. He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese! He won\'t let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis. The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was. When a beggar asked him, \"Do you have a quarter for a sandwich?\" he said \"Let\'s see the sandwich.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5544, 'Funny Jokes', 'insults part 2', 'He\'s so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat. He\'s never slept with his wife. He says it isn\'t honorable to sleep with a married woman. He\'s so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a British T.V. station. He\'s so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are appointed by the Pope. He lost his dog, but he won\'t put an ad in the newspaper. He says it\'s no use -- his dog can\'t read. He still hasn\'t bought an electric toothbrush. He doesn\'t know if his teeth are AC or DC. He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard someone say, \"Let\'s grab his seat when he gets off.\" He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said, \"What a glutton for punishment, that guy!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5545, 'Funny Jokes', 'Fireplace', 'You\'re so poor that when I went to your house I stepped on a match and your mom said, \"Oh! who turned off the fireplace\"!!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5546, 'Funny Jokes', 'family vehicle', 'your family is so poor.......... the family vehicle is a skateboard.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5547, 'Funny Jokes', 'What\'s that thing on your Neck?', 'Oh my God!!! What\'s that big ugly thing on your neck?! Oh, it\'s just your head.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5548, 'Funny Jokes', 'Whoa! Shut your mouth!!!', 'Your breath is so bad that when you talk your teeth duck.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5549, 'Funny Jokes', 'you are so stupid...', 'You are so stupid that you flunked special-ed'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5550, 'Funny Jokes', 'Moving', 'I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5551, 'Funny Jokes', 'Your Family Is So Poor', 'Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5552, 'Funny Jokes', 'Your Dad\'s Like Cement', 'You dad\'s like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5553, 'Funny Jokes', 'Knock, Knock... George Washington', 'Knock, knock! Who\'s there? George Washington! George Washington who? George Washington who? Didn\'t you learn anything in history class?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5554, 'Funny Jokes', 'Yo Family Is So Poor...', 'Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped on a roachand your whole family came out singing, \"Clap your hands, stomp your feet, thank the Lord that we got meat!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5555, 'Funny Jokes', 'You\'re so stupid... Police', 'You\'re so stupid that when police tell you that you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5556, 'Funny Jokes', 'grammar correction', 'A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, \"So, where y\'all from?\" The Wisconsin girl said, \"From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.\" The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, \"So, where y\'all from, bitch?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5557, 'Golf Jokes', 'Church Sunday', 'Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. \"You know,\" said the first friend, \"I can always tell who the golfers are in church.\"\"How\'s that?\" asked his friend.\"It\'s easy,\" he said. \"Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5558, 'Golf Jokes', 'The Politically Correct Country Club', 'Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politcally correct?Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they\'re stroke-challenged!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5559, 'Golf Jokes', 'LOFT', 'Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, \"What did I do wrong?\"The pro replied, \"Loft.\"The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.The pro again answered, \"Loft.\"The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, \"What did I do wrong?\"Again, \"Loft.\"As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.\"All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?\"The pro shook his head and said, \"Lack of Friggin\' Talent!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5560, 'Golf Jokes', 'Definitions', 'Amateur golfer: someone who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging and once again after swinging.Oxymoron: an easy par three.A hack: when your divot flies further than your ball.Bad golfer: someone who can take strokes off his game only with an eraser.Duffer: the only guy in the world who has an unplayable lie when he tees up.Mexican hat dance: lots of spike marks around the hole.In jail: deep in the trees with no shot out.Worm burner: a shot going a long way on the ground.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5561, 'Golf Jokes', 'The Golfer vs. The Fisherman', 'Q: What\'s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?A: When a golfer lies he doesn\'t have to bring anything home to prove it!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5562, 'Golf Jokes', 'Four worst words', 'Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf?A: It\'s still your turn!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5563, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Disorder in the Court!', 'These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. __________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ________________________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you\'ve forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can\'t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, \"Where am I, Cathy?\" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn\'t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn\'t know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. __________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5564, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'A man and his Alligator', 'A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, \"Does this bar serve lawyers?\"\"Of course we do,\" replied the bartender.\"Great,\" said the man, \"I\'d like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5565, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'My dad\'s a Lawyer', 'Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. \"My name is Billy. What\'s yours?\" asked the first boy. \"Tommy,\" replied the second. \"My Daddy\'s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?\" asked Billy. Tommy replied, \"My Daddy\'s a lawyer.\" \"Honest?\" asked Billy. \"No, just the regular kind\", replied Tommy.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5566, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer in a car wreck', 'One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver\'s side door with him standing right there. \"NOOO!\" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, \"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!\" he exclaimed.\"You\'re a lawyer aren\'t you?\" asked the policeman. \"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!\" the lawyer asked.\"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn\'t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?\" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, \"MY ROLEX!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5567, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Old dying lawyer', 'A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven. Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic. \"The old fool,\" she thought, \"I knew I should have left them in the basement!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5568, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyers and sperm', 'What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?They both have a one in a million chance of being human.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5569, 'Lawyer Jokes', '5000 dead lawyers', 'What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A good start!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5570, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'dying woman needs brain', 'A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, \"What type of brain do you want?\" \"What type?\" the woman asked. \"Yes,\" replied the doctor. \"There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on. \"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer\'s brain? Ever since I was a little girl I\'ve dreamed of being a trial attorney.\" \"That\'s $250,000,\" the doctor replied. \"Why so much?\" the woman asked. \"That\'s over four times what a surgeon\'s brain costs.\" \"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?\" the doctor replied.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5571, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Dead lawyer\'s grave', 'A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl\'s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, \"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?\" \"Of course not, dear.\" replied the mother, \"Why would you think that?\" \"The tombstone back there said, \'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.\'\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5572, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'billy\'s father is a lawyer', 'A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. \"Tim, you be first,\" she said. \"What does your mother do all day?\" Tim stood up and proudly said, \"She\'s a doctor.\" \"That\'s wonderful. How about you, Amie?\" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, \"My father is a mailman.\" \"Thank you, Amie,\" said the teacher. \"What about your father, Billy?\" Billy proudly stood up and announced, \"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.\" The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy\'s house and rang the bell. Billy\'s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy\'s father said, \"I\'m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5573, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer vs Physician', 'A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:\"Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5574, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'a thief and his lawyer', 'Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.\"Your honor,\" he said, \"I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.\"\"Why ?\" asked the judge. \"He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?\"\"Well, your honor,\" replied Carlson, \"I didn\'t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5575, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'half of everything', 'Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.A genie pops out. He says, \"I will grant you each one wish, but there\'s a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.\"The first guy says, \"I want a million dollars.\" The genie says, \"Are you sure?\" He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.The second guy says \"I want a new car.\" The genie says, \"A lawyer is getting two new cars then.\" The guy says, \"Oh well. I want my car.\" *poof* He has a new porche.The third guy says, \"I want to be beaten half to death.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5576, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer Means...', 'What\'s the definition of lawyer? The larval form of a politician.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5577, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Have a Drink', 'Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.It\'s impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they\'ll be there in 20 minutes.It\'s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.\"Aren\'t you going to have a drink?\" the doctor asked.\"AFTER the police get here,\" replies the lawyer.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5578, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Two lawyers walking through the woods', 'Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, \"Are you crazy? You\'ll never be able to outrun that bear!\"\"I don\'t have to,\" the first lawyer replied. \"I only have to outrun you.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5579, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer Statue', 'One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, \"No refunds\". The guy shook his head, and said, \"No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5580, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'The Godfather', 'The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.The Godfather asked the accountant, \"Where\'s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?\"The accountant didn\'t answer.The Godfather asked again, \"Where\'s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?\"The attorney interrupted, \"Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.\"The Godfather said, \"Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.\"The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.The accountant signed back, \"I don\'t know what you\'re talking about.\"The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, \"He doesn\'t know what you\'re talking about.\"The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, \"Ask him again where the @#!* money is!\"The attorney signed to the accountant, \"He wants to know where it is!\"The accountant signed back, \"Okay! Okay! The money\'s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!\"The Godfather asked, \"Well, what did he say?\"The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, \"He said that you don\'t have the guts to pull the trigger.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5581, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Cement', 'Q: What do u have when their is a lawyer up to his neck in cement?A: not enough cement'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5582, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Catfish vs. Lawyer', 'Q: What\'s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?A: Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5583, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Attack Dog', 'A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.\"He looks like he\'d be a pretty good attack dog,\" said the buyer.\"Well, he\'s not bad,\" replied the owner, \"but I have something better in mind for you.\"They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.\"Ah,\" said the buyer, \"This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.\"\"Well, no.\" said the owner. \"I have something better in mind for you.\"The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.\"This is the dog I had in mind for you,\" said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted. \"You\'re joking!\" he exclaimed.\"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn\'t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he\'s just lying there, licking his butt!\"\"I know, I know,\" said the owner. \"But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he\'s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5584, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer Sky Diving', 'What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?Skeet.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5585, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'So cold', 'It was so cold last week I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5586, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer\'s Birthday Gift', 'What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?Briefs!! ha!ha!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5587, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Can\'t take it with you', 'Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he\'ll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin ..... wrote out a check for $15,000 ... laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5588, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Lawyer, police man, doctor', '3 dudes die a lawyer, police man, and a doctorat the pearly gates the police man walks up 2 saint peter and says \"I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I getinto heaven?\"Saint Peter: \"um sorry we\'re sorta having a party so no\"the doctor walks up 2 saint peter and says\"I have saved many lives and helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?\"Saint Peter: \"nope we\'re kinda busy right now\"the lawyer walks up and says \"I\'ve sued many people, can I get into heaven?\"Saint Peter: \"sure come on in! join the party!\"the police man and the doctor walk up to saint peter and ask \"why\'d he get in and not us?\"Saint Peter: \"we dont get many of his kind around here.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5589, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'Brain Store', 'A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.\"How much does it cost for engineer brain?\"\"Three dollars an ounce.\"\"How much does it cost for programmer brain?\"\"Four dollars an ounce.\"\"How much for lawyer brain?\"\"$1,000 an ounce.\"\"Why is lawyer brain so much more?\"\"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5590, 'Lawyer Jokes', 'How Lawyers Do It', 'Lawyers do it with appeal.Lawyers do it confidentially.Lawyers do it on a trial basis.Lawyers do it until justice prevails.Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5591, 'Men Jokes', '82 year old man', 'An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5592, 'Men Jokes', 'If Men made the Rules', '1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 2. If you don\'t want to dress like Victoria\'s Secret, girls, don\'t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad orangry, we meant the other way.4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 5. Let us ogle. If we don\'t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 6. Don\'t rub the lamp if you don\'t want the genie to come out. 7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.9. Christopher Columbus didn\'t need directions and neither do we. 10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.11. When we\'re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying \"This is our exit\" is not necessary.12. Don\'t fake it. We\'d rather be ineffective than deceived.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5593, 'Men Jokes', 'The 2 P\'s', 'What\'s the difference between a penis and a prick?A penis gives hours of fun, and a prick owns the penis.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5594, 'Men Jokes', 'Women vs. Dogs', 'Q: What\'s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?A: If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5595, 'Men Jokes', 'New scientific element : MAN', 'Element Name: MANSymbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5596, 'Men Jokes', 'Ears lookin at you!', 'A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, \"This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?\" The guy says, \"Well damn! You got no ears man!\" So the boss yells, \"Get out!\" The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, \"This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?\" The guy says, \"That\'s easy, you got no ears!\" So the boss says, \"Get out!\" As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, \"The boss has no ears so don\'t say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it.\" So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, \"This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?\" The guy says, \"Your wearing contacts!\"And the boss says, \"Yeah, how did you know?\" So the guy replies, \"Well darn, you can\'t wear glasses cause you ain\'t got no ears.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5597, 'Men Jokes', 'About last night', 'After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. \"Louise,\" he moaned, \"Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?\"\"Even worse,\" she assured him in her most scornful tone. \"You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.\" \"He\'s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!\" \"You did. All over his suit,\" Louise informed him. \"And he fired you.\" \"Well, screw him,\" said John. \"I did, said Louise, \"You\'re back at work on Monday.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5598, 'Men Jokes', 'Men and blondes', 'Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5599, 'Men Jokes', 'Men at 35..', 'A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5600, 'Men Jokes', 'Black widow spiders', 'Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5601, 'Men Jokes', 'men chasing women', 'Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5602, 'Men Jokes', 'what men hear when women speak', 'What a woman says: \"This place is a mess C\'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you\'ll have no clothes to wear, if we don\'t do laundry right now!\"What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C\'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5603, 'Men Jokes', 'why', 'Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?Because if they all went it would be hell!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5604, 'Men Jokes', '50-50 relationship', 'What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5605, 'Men Jokes', 'blonde', 'Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?So men can understand them!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5606, 'Men Jokes', 'sperm', 'Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?Because men won\'t stop for directions!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5607, 'Men Jokes', 'Men say the smartest things when...', 'Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with \"A woman once told me...\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5608, 'Men Jokes', 'Sewage, Oh no', 'When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home\'s sewage tank by mistake.The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was thebest laugh he\'d ever had.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5609, 'Men Jokes', '60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy', '1. I\'ve smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it\'s cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don\'t we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It\'s more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there\'s a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4\'\' bigger. 13. It\'s ok, we\'ll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there\'s an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it\'ll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn\'t know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won\'t take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don\'t we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn\'t know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it\'s hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I\'ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It\'s a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you\'re supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where\'s the rest of it?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5610, 'Men Jokes', 'Men Are Like Toilets..', 'Men are like toilets -- either they\'re taken, or full of crap!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5611, 'Men Jokes', 'Men Don\'t Like Safe Sex', 'What is a man\'s idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5612, 'Men Jokes', 'Computer Diagnosis', 'One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. \"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.\" Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: \"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.\" Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: \"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren\'t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don\'t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5613, 'Men Jokes', 'what would happen if your dog\'s...', 'Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog\'s name was Mypenis?- Mypenis ate my homework.- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!- Sorry I\'m late. I was playing with Mypenis.- I\'m sorry, Officer. I didn\'t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.- Mypenis doesn\'t come when I call it.- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.- I love giving Mypenis a bath.- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won\'t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.- Mypenis got out last night. I think he\'s sleeping with the lady next door.- If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.- Help! I can\'t find Mypenis!- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!- Watch it or you\'ll step on Mypenis.- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.- Stop kicking Mypenis.- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.- Mypenis is truly man\'s best friend.- Beware of Mypenis. He\'s carrying a disease.- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.- There\'s nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.- I\'ve trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.- Sorry I\'m late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5614, 'Men Jokes', 'All Aboard', 'A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son said, \"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we\'re going down the tracks.\"The horrified mother went in and told her son, \"We don\'t use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.\"Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, \"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.\"She hears the little boy continue, \"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.\"As the mother began to smile, the child added, \"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5615, 'Men Jokes', 'Gonna Get Lucky', 'A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.\"Well,\" he said, \"I\'ve been seeing this girl for a while and she\'s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight\'s \"the night\".\"We\'re having dinner with her parents, and then we\'re going out. And I\'ve got a feeling I\'m gonna get lucky after that. Once she\'s had me, she\'ll want me all the time, so you\'d better give me the 12 pack.\"The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.The girl leans over and says, \"You never told me that you were such a religious person.\"He leans over to her and says, \"You never told me that your father was a pharmacist.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5616, 'Men Jokes', 'seconds to live', 'Man walks into the Doctors office. \"I have the results of your test and I\'m afraid your going to die\" Says the Doctor. The Man asks \"How long do I have to live?\" \"Ten\", replies the Doctor. \"What the hell does that mean\", the Man asks. \"Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?\" The Doctor Replies \"Nine\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5617, 'Men Jokes', 'Friends', 'Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5618, 'Men Jokes', 'The Wrong Way', 'As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife\'s voice urgently warning him, \"Herman, I just heard on the news that there\'s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!\"\"It\'s not just one car,\" said Herman, \"It\'s hundreds of them!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5619, 'Political Jokes', 'Presidential Debate Drinking Game', 'Since I couldn’t find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush. Part A – Either Candidate Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says….. a. Iran b. Iraq c. North Korea d. Afghanistan e. Sudan f. Libya g. Axis of Evil h. Gay Marriage i. United Nations j. Tax Cuts Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says…… a. Saddam Hussein b. Osama Bin Ladden c. Al Qaeda d. September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center e. WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction f. Homeland Security g. Nuclear Proliferation h. If either candidate doesn’t answer the question given to them i. If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light) Part B – George W. Bush Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If George W. Bush says….. a. Uhhh….. b. If George Bush stutters c. Florida d. Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq e. Tony Blair f. Dick Cheney g. Terrorist or Terrorism Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush…… a. Miss-pronounces “nuclear” b. Mentions a John Kerry “Flip Flop” c. Mentions anything else about John Kerry’s voting record d. Says “War on Terra” e. Says “Evil-Doers” f. Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks g. Commits a “Bushism” – meaning he says something that doesn’t make any sense Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush a. Chokes on a pretzel Part C – John Kerry Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If John Kerry says….. a. [Any Number] Billion Dollars b. Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry c. Four More Years d. Anything about the economy e. No Child Left Behind f. Last Resort g. Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq h. John Edwards Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry…… a. Mentions “Mission Accomplished” b. Mentions anything about Vietnam c. Mentions anything about Purple Hearts d. Mentions anything about George W. Bush’s service in the National Guard e. Mentions anything about Bush administration “misjudgments” f. Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5620, 'Political Jokes', 'Made in Canada', 'President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!\" the American President cried, \"My people\'s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!\"\"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be \'appy to do anyt\'ing wit\'in der power to \'help you,\" replied the Prime Minister.\"I do need your help,\" said Clinton. \"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?\"\"Certainment! I get right on it!\" said Chretien.\"Oh, and one more small favor, please?\" said Clinton.\"Oui?\"\"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10\" long and 4\" in diameter?\" said Clinton.\"No problem,\" replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.\"I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send \'dem to Hamerica.\"\"Consider it done,\" said the President of Trojan.\"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10\" long and 4\" in diameter.\"\"Easily done. Anything else?\"\"Yah,\" said the Prime Minister, \"an\' print \'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM\' on each one.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5621, 'Political Jokes', 'Iraqi tv-guide', 'Iraqi TV Guide MONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld8:30 Mad About Everything9:00 Suddenly Sanctions9:30 Allah McBealTUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it\'s Right9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things9:30 Iraq\'s Funniest Public Execution BloopersWEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy9:00 Just Shoot Me9:30 VeilwatchTHURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H9:00 Veronica\'s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses9:30 My Two BaghdadsFRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things9:00 Achmed\'s Creek9:30 No-witness News'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5622, 'Political Jokes', 'Russian War College', 'At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, \"Will we have to fight a World War Three?\" \"Yes, comrades, looks like you will,\" answers the general. \"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?\" another officer asks. \"The likelihood is that it will be China.\" The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, \"But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?\" \"Well,\" replies the general, \"Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time.\" \"But sir,\" asks the panicky officer, \"Do we have enough Jews\"?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5623, 'Political Jokes', 'Taliban Tank', 'How do you stop a taliban tank ?Shoot the Guy Pushing it'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5624, 'Political Jokes', 'George W. Bush at a press conference', 'A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: \"Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father.\"\"That notion is ridiculous!\" mocked George Jr. \"It doesn\'t matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5625, 'Political Jokes', 'Campaign Slogans for George W', '1. I\'ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3. I\'ll finish what Bill started -- the interns.4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 7. New penal plan: I won\'t use mine!8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5626, 'Political Jokes', 'George W - College Days', 'George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.\"Dubya,\" said his PR guy, \"We\'ve got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college.\"\"It\'s true,\" replied Bush, \"but it isn\'t my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5627, 'Political Jokes', 'Abortion Bill', 'Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill? Ah thought ah paid it!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5628, 'Political Jokes', 'Hillary and Bill at baseball game', 'Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President\'s cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, \"No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5629, 'Political Jokes', 'Family Jewels', 'Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman. The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off. At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles. Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams\' but were unable to reattach them.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5630, 'Political Jokes', '50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...', '50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You\'re Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, \"Doesn\'t that sound a lot like a B-52?\" Ask him if he\'s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan\'s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino\'s pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven\'t seen \"Sex and the City\" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD\'s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he\'ll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about \"spots\". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you\'ll get to, \"kick his ass every day for eternity.\" Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as \"Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden.\" Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it\'s lovely what he\'s done with his cave, but that it\'d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter\'s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn\'t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you\'ve ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik\'s Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, \"tsk, tsk\" if there\'s dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he\'s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the \"Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd\" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, \"Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!\" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who\'s having a baby on \"Friends.\" Warn him that you\'re \"in a New York state of mind.\" Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they\'ve ever thought of modeling. Ask him, \"Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?\" just in case he\'ll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a \"noogie\" or a \"wedgie.\" If there\'s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a \"swirlie\".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your \"holy lands\" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him \"clubbing\" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, \"Shalom!\"copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5631, 'Political Jokes', 'Bush\'s Tragedy', 'One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word \"tragedy.\" \"Well,\" one girl replied, \"If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!\" The President smiled at the little girl and said, \"No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?\" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, \"I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!\" The President shook his head and said, \"No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn\'t anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?\" A small girl raised her hand and said, \"Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!\" \"Very good,\" he said. \"And what was your reason for that answer?\" \"Well,\" she said, \"It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5632, 'Political Jokes', 'Things Found Only In America', '1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won\'t miss a call from someone we didn\'t want to talk to in the first place.8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.9. Only in America...... do we use the word \'politics\' to describe the process so well: Poli\' in Latin meaning \'many\' and \'tics\' meaning \'bloodsucking creatures\'.10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5633, 'Political Jokes', 'Genie and the Taliban', 'Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. \"I will give each of you one wish. That\'s three wishes total,\" saidthe genie. The Canadian said, \"I\'m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.\" With a blink of the genie\'s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, \"I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.\" Again, with a blink of the genie\'s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. George W. Bush, said, \"I\'m very curious, please tell me more about this wall.\" The Genie explains, \"Well, it\'s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it\'s virtually impenetrable.\" George W. Bush says, \"Fill it with water.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5634, 'Political Jokes', 'What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.\'s', 'Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.\'s? A. Drool.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5635, 'Political Jokes', 'Clinton and the Beer Cans', 'Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, \"There\'s one thing I want you to know. There\'s a box under my bed, and I don\'t want you to look in it until I die.\" Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, \"Well, those are for all the times I\'ve cheated on you.\" Hillary said, \"Well, that\'s not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all.\" She was about to leave, but then she said, \"Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?\" Bill replied, \"That\'s for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5636, 'Political Jokes', 'The 10 Commandments in Ebonics', '1. I be God. Don\' be dissin me. 2. Don\' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don\' be callin me for no reason - homey don\' play dat.4. Y\'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don\' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don\' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don\' be liftin no goods. 9. Don\' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don\' be eyein\' ya homie\'s crib, ride, or nothin.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5637, 'Political Jokes', 'Jesus\'s Ethnicity', 'Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:1. He went into his father\'s business.2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.Proof That Jesus Was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was bilingual.3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.Proof That Jesus Was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion and finallyProof that Jesus Was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn\'t get a fair trial.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5638, 'Political Jokes', 'I want to become a politician', 'I want to become a politician when I grow up so I\'ve made a list of skills I want to aquire, butI\'ve only come up with one: Lying.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5639, 'Political Jokes', 'Weapons of Mass Destruction', 'A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:\"Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?\"Pres says: \"You think we\'re stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5640, 'Political Jokes', 'Stupid Funny Quotes', '\"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.\" --President Gerald Ford \"My fellow astronauts...\"--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. \"Capital punishment is our society\'s recognition of the sanctity of human life.\"--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. \"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.\"--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President \"I stand by all the misstatements.\"--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes \"Gerald Ford was a Communist\"--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say \'Congressman\'. \"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.\"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. \"We found the term \'killing\' too broad.\"--State Department spokesperson on why the word \'killing\' was replaced with \'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life\' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 \"This is a great day for France!\"--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle\'s funeral \"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected.\"--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood \"It\'s not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host.\"--James Baker, televangelist. \"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.\"--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. \"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.\"--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. \"What he does on his own time is up to him.\"--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. \"Facts are stupid things.\"--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5641, 'Political Jokes', '140 Million Iraqis and 1 Blonde', 'President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the barman, \"Isn\'t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?\"The barman says, \"Yep, that\'s them.\"So the guy walks over and says, \"Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?\"Bush says, \"We\'re planning WW III \".And the guy says, \"Really? What\'s going to happen?\"Bush says, \"Well, we\'re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.\"The guy exclaimed, \"A blonde with big tits?\"\"Why kill a blonde with big tits?\"Bush turns to Powell and says, \"See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5642, 'Political Jokes', 'Lying Politicians', 'A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer\'s field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they all dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren\'t, but you know how them politicians lie.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5643, 'Political Jokes', 'New Ruling', 'The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmasseason.This isn\'t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation\'s capitol.There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5644, 'Political Jokes', 'Chief wants beer!', 'An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender, \"Me want Lager!\"The bartender says, \"Sure, Chief, coming right up.\" He then serves the Indian atall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, \"Me want beer!\"The bartender says, \"Whoa there Chief, we\'re still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that allabout, anyway?\" he asked.The Indian explained, \"Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, thencome back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind.....\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5645, 'Political Jokes', 'Osama Bin Laden joke', 'Why did Osama Bin Laden killwife number 37?Because he looked up her dressand saw bush...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5646, 'Political Jokes', 'Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig', 'One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate. \"What happened?!\" asked Bill. \"I ran over a pig,\" replied his driver. Bill Clinton looked horrified. \"Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their\'s.\" So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours. Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been. \"Do you know how long you\'ve been gone?! What happened up there?\" he asked. The limo driver, happily confused, replied, \"Those people up there threw me a huge party.\" Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, \"What? Why?\" The limo driver started up his car and answered, \"I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5647, 'Practical Jokes', 'football fan to rescue', 'Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog\'s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. \"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,\" he starts writing in his notebook. \"But I\'m not a Giants fan,\" the little hero replied.\"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.\" said the reporter and starts again. \"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack\" he continued writing in his notebook. \"I\'m not a Jets fan either,\" the boy said. \"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?\" the reporter asked. \"I\'m a Cowboys fan,\" the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, \"Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5648, 'Practical Jokes', 'Jock vs. Nerd', 'Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?$ Michael Jordan having \"retired,\" with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.$ If he goes to see a movie, it\'ll cost him $7.00, but he\'ll make $18,550 while he\'s there.$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he\'ll make $618 while boiling it.$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.$ He\'ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.$ He\'ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you \'d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.$ He\'ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he\'ll pull in about $5600.$ This year, he\'ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.Amazing isn\'t it? However...$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he\'ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5649, 'Practical Jokes', 'Gorilla Golf', 'A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. \"Is anyone interested in a little wager?\" he said, flashing some large bills around. \"I\'ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!\" Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, \"I gotta see this!\" he said. \"You know, what? I\'ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.\" When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. \"That\'s incredible!\" he exclaimed. \"How did you train him to hit the ball like that!\" There\'s no need for me to tee off. I couldn\'t beat him with a stick. Here\'s your money.\" As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, \"Oh, by the way, how does he putt?\" The trainer responded, \"Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5650, 'Practical Jokes', 'baseball heaven?', 'There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, \"Do you think there\'s baseball in heaven?\" Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, \"I dunno, Abe, but let\'s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven.\" They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, \"Sol... Sol....\" Sol responded, \"Abe! Is that you?\" \"Yes it is Sol,\" whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, \"So, is there baseball in heaven?\" \"Well,\" Abe said, \"I got good news and I got bad news.\" \"Gimme the good news first,\" said Sol. Abe said, \"Well... there is baseball in heaven.\" Sol said, \"That\'s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?\" Abe sighed and whispered, \"You\'re pitching on Friday.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5651, 'Practical Jokes', 'baseball vs law', 'What is the difference between baseball and law?In baseball, if you\'re caught stealing, you\'re out.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5652, 'Practical Jokes', 'Top 10 - Baseball is better than sex', 'TOP 10 REASONS BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 9. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK 8. YOU HAVE A COACH TO TELL YOU WHEN TO ADVANCE 7. WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, YOU ALWAYS GET RELIEVED 6. IF YOU STRIKE OUT ONCE, YOU STILL HAVE AT LEAST 2 MORE TIMES TO GET A HIT 5. UP TO 4 PEOPLE CAN SCORE AT ONCE 4. POP UPS ARE FREQUENT 3. 30,000 PEOPLE CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 2. AFTER 7 INNINGS, YOU GET TO STRETCH 1. YOU CAN GET A HOMERUN WITHOUT ANY FOREPLAY'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5653, 'Practical Jokes', 'NCAA ballers to change a lightbulb?', 'How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5654, 'Practical Jokes', 'Top 10 - Basketball vs Sex', 'TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY 9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT 7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO \"TAKE IT TO THE HOLE\"6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE 4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO 3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS 2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS 1. THERE\'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5655, 'Practical Jokes', 'Top 10- Hockey vs. Sex', 'TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS 9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD 8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE 7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR 6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS 5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON 3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK 1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5656, 'Practical Jokes', 'Top 10 - Soccer vs. Sex', 'TOP 10 REASONS SOCCER IS BETTER THAN SEX...10. BALLS ARE ALWAYS CHECKED FOR FIRMNESS 9. PERIODS ONLY LAST 45 MINUTES8. PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE7. SOCCER IS A LEGAL PROFESSION 6. PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT CAN BE WASHED AND REUSED 5. SIZE DOESN\'T MATTER 4. IF YOU GET TOO ROUGH YOU GET A RED CARD 3. YOU CAN SCORE USING YOUR HEAD OR YOUR FEET 2. LASTS A FULL 90 MINUTES1. YOU CAN JUGGLE YOUR BALLS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5657, 'Practical Jokes', 'Canadian Baseball', 'Q: What do you call a Canadian Baseball team?A: Foreigners.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5658, 'Practical Jokes', '10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty', '1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft\'s all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can\'t get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I\'ve got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5659, 'Practical Jokes', 'Turkey Football', 'The pro football team had just finished theirdaily practice session when a large turkey camestrutting onto the field.While the players gazed in amazement, the turkeywalked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caughtpass after pass and ran right through the defensiveline.When the turkey returned to the sidelines, thecoach shouted, \"You\'re terrific!!! Sign up forthe season, and I\'ll see to it that you get ahuge bonus.\"\"Forget the bonus,\" the turkey said, \"All I wantto know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5660, 'Practical Jokes', 'Sacramento Kings Fan or Lakers Fan?', 'A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she\'s a BIG Lakers fan.She\'s really excited about it and asks the kids if they\'re Lakers fans too.Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they\'re Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.The teacher looks at Josh and says, \"Josh, you\'re not a Lakers fan?\"He says, \"Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!\" She says, \"Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?\"Josh says, \"Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I\'m a Sacrmento Kings fan.\"The teacher\'s not real happy. She\'s a little hot under the collar. She says, \"Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!\"Josh says, \"Then I\'d be a Laker fan!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5661, 'Practical Jokes', 'Hockey', 'Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell.Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn\'t mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn\'t mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty.Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out \"Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5662, 'Practical Jokes', 'Inventing golf', 'Along time ago two Scottsmen are in a pub.One scottsman says, \"I\'m going to invent a game.\" The second man asks, \"What do you have to do?\" The first man says, \"You have to get a ball in a hole.\"The second man asks, \"So it\'s like billiards?\"The first man says, \"No, its going to be much farther away.\"The second man asks \"So, it\'s somthing like bowling?\"The first man says, \"No, it\'s going to be played on grass, and it\'s going to twist and turn.\"So the second man asks, \"So it\'s kind of like croquet?\"The first man says, \"NO, I\'m going to put in tall grass, and water, and sand, and trees, just to piss you off!\"So the second man asks, \"So you do this once?\"The first man replies, \"NO, you do it EIGHTEEN TIMES!!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5663, 'Practical Jokes', 'Cockroach killing', 'my wife is too afraid of cockroaches,one fine day i heard scream of my wife.she saw a cockroach and was screaming. i asked her totake the killing spray and to spray on the cockroach.she took the spray and turned to me and said,\"THIS SPRAY IS ONLY TO KILL THE MUSQUITOS,\" andhow can it works for the cockroach,I said to her. \"Don\'t show the lable to the cockroach\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5664, 'Practical Jokes', 'Cross country race', 'During my college days there was a competitionfor cross country race that was around 8 kms.to my surprise i found my best friend JHON whowas too lazy and never use to take part in anycompetition came first in that race. when he reachedthe finishing line, me and my friends went towish him. I told him \"Jhon u made it and u provedthat u can win the race too.\" but Jhon insteadshouted at me and said \" WHO LET THE DOG BESIDE ME\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5665, 'Practical Jokes', 'Slow Bicycle race', 'During my college days i went to participateslow bicycle race competetion, I came first in the competetion, when i went to claim mytrophy, my principal kicked me out from hisoffice saying that the trophy goes to theperson who came in the last, because itsSLOW BICYCLE RACE.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5666, 'Practical Jokes', 'Read This!', 'Isn\'t it fnuny taht yuo cna sitll raed tihs massege enve touhgh ist speelld inocretcly?OLL! :p'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5667, 'Practical Jokes', 'R.A.P.', 'R.A.P.:RetardsAttemptingPoetry'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5668, 'Redneck Jokes', 'Star spangled banner', 'you might be a red neck if you think the last words to the star spangled banner is \"gentlemen start your engines\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5669, 'Redneck Jokes', 'Redneck\'s last words', 'What are the last words that a redneck usually says before he dies?\"Hey ya\'ll. Watch this!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5670, 'Redneck Jokes', 'Redneck house', 'You might be a redneck if your house still has the \"WIDE LOAD\" sign still on it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5671, 'Redneck Jokes', 'Still in the family', 'You might be a redneck if you\'ve been married three timesand still have the same in-laws.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5672, 'Redneck Jokes', 'Redneck centerpeice', 'You might be a redneck if the centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5673, 'Redneck Jokes', 'House explosion', 'You might be a redneck if you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it\'s wheels.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5674, 'Redneck Jokes', 'Star bangled banner', 'You might be a redneck if you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are \"Gentlemen, start your engines.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5675, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... rich relative', 'Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5676, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... in bed', 'You\'ve ever used lard in bed.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5677, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... meat', 'You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d\'oeuvre.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5678, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... shirts', 'You own more then three shirts with the sleeves cut off.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5679, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... girlfriend', 'You\'ve ever spray painted your girlfriend\'s name on an overpass.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5680, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... bowling', 'You\'ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5681, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... highschool', 'Your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5317, 'Animal Jokes', 'The 2 Hunters', 'These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn\'t know what to do, so he called 911. When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead and all of a sudden the person heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said ok he\'s dead for sure.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5682, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... reunion', 'The highlight of your family reunion was your sister\'s nude dancing debut.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5683, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... christman', 'You\'ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5684, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if... possum', 'There is a stuffed \'possum mounted anywhere in your home.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5685, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...beer', 'You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5686, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...goal', 'Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5687, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...jeans', 'You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather then hem them.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5688, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...car race', 'You go to a stock car race and don\'t need a program.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5689, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...ID', 'Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5690, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...prom', 'Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5691, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...cars', 'Less than half the cars you own run.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5692, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...sideburns', 'You grow your sideburns longer and fuller because it looks so good on your sister.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5693, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...mama', 'Your mother does not remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5694, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...car color', 'The primary color of your car is \"Bond-Q.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5695, 'Redneck Jokes', 'You might be a redneck if...deer head', 'Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5696, 'Sex Jokes', 'TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX', '10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don\'t have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It\'s O.K. when the person you\'re with fantasizes you\'re someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you\'ll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don\'t like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn\'t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5697, 'Sex Jokes', '10 Husbands, Still a Virgin?', 'A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I\'m still a virgin.\" \"What?\" said the puzzled groom. \"How can that be if you\'ve been married ten times?\" \"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he\'d look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn\'t get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn\'t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn\'t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I\'ve married you, I\'m really excited!\" \"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\" \"You\'re a lawyer. This time I know I\'m gonna get screwed!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5698, 'Sex Jokes', 'Sex Education', 'A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, \"Business trip or vacation?\"She turned, smiled, and said, \"Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.\"He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, \"What\'s your business role at this convention?\"\"Lecturer,\" she responded. \"I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality.\" \"Really,\" he said. \"What myths arethose?\"\"Well,\" she explained. \"One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it\'s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.\" \"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.\"Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. \"I\'m sorry\", she said. \"I shouldn\'t really be discussing this with you. I don\'t even know your name.\"\"Tonto,\" the man said. \"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5699, 'Sex Jokes', 'The Priest', 'Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?A: He wanted to get boys pants \"half\" off!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5700, 'Sex Jokes', 'Don\'t ask any questions', 'A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, \"Dude,thank goodness you showed up!\" \"I\'m starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.\"The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, \"Dude, don\'t ask any questions, just sell it to em.\" The friend said, \"Ok\". So the guy left.A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, \"I want a vibrator. What do you have?\" The friend said, \"We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.\" The lady said, \"I\'ll take a little red one to carry in my bag.\" He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, \"I would like a vibrator, what do you have?\" The friend replied, \"Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, \"Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?\" The friend said, \"Well, I\'ll sell it to ya if you want,\" so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, \"Thanks Dude, you\'re a life saver. So did you sell anything?\" The friend said, \"Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5701, 'Sex Jokes', 'Getting Down Under', 'An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. \"What happened?\" she asks. \"I\'ve never been with a woman,\" he says. \"But if it\'s anything like screwing a kangaroo I\'m gonna need all the room I can get!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5702, 'Sex Jokes', 'Two Nuns', 'There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It\'s logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It\'s not working.SL: Of course it\'s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I\'ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn\'t follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn\'t it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5703, 'Sex Jokes', 'It\'s Dark In Here', 'A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, \"It\'s dark in here, isn\'t it?\"\"Yes it is,\" the man replies.\"You wanna buy a baseball?\" the little boy asks.\"No thanks,\" the man replies.\"I think you do want to buy a baseball,\" the little extortionist continues.\"OK. How much?\" the man replies after considering the position he was in.\"Twenty-five dollars,\" the little boy replies.\"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!\" the man repeats. \"That\'s awful expensive\", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.\"It\'s dark in here, isn\'t it?\" the boy starts off.\"Yes it is,\" replies the man.\"Wanna buy a baseball glove?\" the little boy asks.\"OK. How much?\" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.\"Fifty dollars,\" the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy\'s father says, \"Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we\'ll play some catch.\"\"I can\'t. I sold them,\" replies the little boy.\"How much did you get for them?\" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.\"Seventy-five dollars,\" the little boy says.\"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That\'s thievery! I\'m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,\"the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says \"It\'s dark in here, isn\'t it?\"\"Don\'t you start that crap in here,\" the priest says.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5704, 'Sex Jokes', 'Marketing that Makes Sense', 'Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, \"I\'m fantastic in bed.\" That\'s Direct Marketing.You\'re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, \"He\'s fantastic in bed.\" That\'s Advertising.You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, \"Hi, I\'m fantastic in bed.\" That\'s Telemarketing.You\'re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, \"By the way, I\'m fantastic in bed.\" That\'s Public Relations.You\'re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you\'re fantastic in bed.\" That\'s Brand Recognition.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5705, 'Sex Jokes', 'Doggie Fashion', 'It has been studied and determined that the most often usedSexual position for married couples is the doggie position.The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5706, 'Sex Jokes', 'Valentine\'s Day Gift', 'A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine\'s Day.As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.The young man mailed his Valentine\'s Day gift with the following note:\"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.\"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Just think how many times I\'ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you\'ll wear them Friday night for me.Love,Honey Bearp.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5707, 'Sex Jokes', '10 Catholic Priests', 'One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and standin a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5708, 'Sex Jokes', 'How To Satisfy...', 'HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5709, 'Sex Jokes', 'Realistically and Hypothetically....', 'A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.His dad said, \"Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.He went and asked and came back and said, \"She said yes\".\"Well\", said the dad, \"Go ask your sister the same question.\"He did and came back and said, \"She said yes.\"And the dad said, \"Now go ask your brother the same thing.\"He did and came back and said, \"He said yes too!\"And the dad said, \"Well hypothetically we\'re sitting on three million dollars, realistically we\'re living with 2 whores and a fag!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5710, 'Sex Jokes', 'Call In Sick...', 'Bob calls in to his job:\"Hey, boss I\'m not coming to work today. I\'m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I\'m not coming into work.\"The boss says:\"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.\"2 hours later Bob calls:\"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I\'ll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5711, 'Sex Jokes', 'The Crystal Glass Bowl', 'Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.\"Sister,\" he asked, \"I wonder if you could tell me about this?\" (pointing to the crystal bowl)\"Oh, yes,\" she replied, \"Isn\'t it wonderful?\"\"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven\'t had a cold all winter!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5712, 'Sex Jokes', '3 Viagra Pills', 'A guy goes to his doctor and says,\"Doc, I have a problem.\"\"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.\"\"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.\"The doctor says, \"You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.\"The man says, \"You have a deal Doc.\"Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, \"What happened\"?The man answered, \"Nobody showed up!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5713, 'Sex Jokes', 'Chinese Proverbs', 'Passionate kiss like spider\'s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.Man with one chopstick go hungry.Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.War not determine who right, war determine who left.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.Man who drive like hell bound to get there.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man\'s well often catches crabs.Man who farts in church sits in own pew.Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5714, 'Sex Jokes', 'Condom', 'Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, \"That\'s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?\" \"It\'s a condom,\" The first lady replies. \"Well, where can you buy those?\" the second lady asks.\"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies.\" the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. \"Do you guys sell those condom things?\" she asks the pharmacist. \"Why yes we do,\" the pharmacist says a little confused, \"Do you know what size you need?\"So the lady says, \"Well it\'s got to fit a Camel.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5715, 'Sex Jokes', 'The Medical Convention', 'At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads toanother and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doc says, \"I bet you are a surgeon.\"She confirms, and asks how he knew.\"Easy, he said, you\'re always washing your hands.\"\"That\'s very clever!\" she says, \"I bet you\'re an anesthesiologist.\"\"Wow, how did you guess?\" he asked.\"I didn\'t feel a thing!\" she replied.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5716, 'Sex Jokes', 'The Coincidence', 'A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.He turned to her and said, \"This is a special day, I\'m celebrating.\"\"What a coincidence,\" said the woman, \"I\'m celebrating, too\". She clinked glasses with him and asked, \"What are you celebrating?\"\"I\'m a chicken farmer,\" he replied. \"For years all my hens were infertile, but today they\'refinally fertile.\"\"What a coincidence, the woman said. \"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I\'mpregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?\" she asked.\"I switched cocks,\" he replied.\"What a coincidence,\" she said.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5717, 'Sex Jokes', 'Escaped Prisoner', 'A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he\'s in there, the husband tells his wife, \"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn\'t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don\'t resist, don\'t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he\'ll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you.\"To which the wife responds, \"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, too.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5718, 'Sex Jokes', 'The Costume Party', 'A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he\'d had fun. He told her he hadn\'t. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, \"The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5719, 'Sex Jokes', 'Three Brothers', 'There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they\'d heard last night was. He replied, \"Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.\"The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, \"Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.\"Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, \"Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5720, 'Sex Jokes', 'The Cruise', 'A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine\'s and three condoms.Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, \"I\'ll take it,\" and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine\'s and two more condoms.The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, \"Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5721, 'Sex Jokes', 'The sneeze', 'A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.The man isn\'t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, \"Three times you\'ve sneezed and three times you\'ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?\"The woman replies, \"I\'m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.\"The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, \"I\'ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?\"The woman looks at him and says, \"Pepper.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5722, 'Sex Jokes', 'HITTING BOTTOM', 'TWO MEN SITTING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER IN A BAR.THE 1ST MAN IS AN AVERAGE SIZE GUY WEIGHINGABOUT 170 LBS.THE 2ND MAN IS A HUGE FAT GUY WEIGHING ABOUT375 LBS.THE 2ND GUY ASKS THE 1ST GUY. \"WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, DO YOU ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM?\"THE 1ST GUY REPLIES, \"IT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN,HOW ABOUT YOU?\"THE 2ND GUY REPLIES, \"I ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM, NOMATTER WHO I\'M WITH.\"OF COURSE YOU CAN\'T HELP BUT TO HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU \"MASH IT FLAT\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5723, 'Sex Jokes', 'REALLY FUNNY!!', 'Look in the mirror!!!!!!!1'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5724, 'Travel Jokes', 'Whatever you want it to be', 'Q. What do you call the temperature between two west virginians?A. Relative Humidity'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5725, 'Travel Jokes', 'New Driver\'s License', 'Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. \"I\'ll bet you\'re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,\" says the beaming boy to his father. \"Nope,\" comes dad\'s reply, \"I\'m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive,just like you\'ve been doing to me all these years.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5726, 'Travel Jokes', 'Lady Sunbathing', 'A Lady was on a business trip. Since she was so tense from all the meetings, she decided she would go to the roof of the hotel she was staying in and sunbathe to help her relax. She went to the top of the hotel, stripped down, and layed face down on the roof. After about an hour of sunbathing, she heard someone come on the roof. It was the manager of the hotel. He said, \" Excuse me, miss, but do you mind sunbathing somewhere else? \" \"Why?\", asked the lady. \" I\'m on top of the hotel...nobody can see me!\" \" True\", the man replied, \" But you are lying on the sunroof above the dining room.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5727, 'Travel Jokes', 'Ocean Joke', 'What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?Nothing, it just waved.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5728, 'Travel Jokes', 'Car Acronyms', 'AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic InfluenceAlways Unsafe Designs ImplementedAll Un-informed Drivers InsultedAll Unnecessary Devices Installed BMWBig Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICKBig Ugly Indestructable Car Killer CHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGEDumb Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FORDFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFast Only Rolling Downhill GMGeneral Maintenance GMCGarage Man\'s Companion HONDAHad One Never Did AgainHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else. Hated Old Noisy Damaged AutoHYUNDAIHope You Understand Nothing\'s Driveable And Inexpensive? MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILEOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick\'s Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile Back TOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object VWVirtually Worthless'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5729, 'Travel Jokes', 'Glazed', 'A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, \"Sir, I couldn\'t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?\" The man gets really indignant and says, \"Officer, I couldn\'t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5730, 'Travel Jokes', 'Clinton Vacation', 'Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary\'s high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, \"Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.\" She smirked and replied, \"No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5731, 'Travel Jokes', 'Far East', 'Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn\'t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. \"What do you wish for yourself?\" \"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.\" \"Okay, that shall be granted to you.\" Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller\'s mother-in-law\'s turn. \"What do you wish for yourself?\" \"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.\" \"Okay, that shall be granted to you.\" The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. \"What do you wish for yourself?\" \"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?\" \"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.\" \"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.\" The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, \"Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?\" \"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5732, 'Travel Jokes', 'Bad Motel', '1.The \"complimentary\" paper tells you that President Kennedy has died.2.The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it. 3.The \"magic fingers vibration\" is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic. 4.There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow 5.The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes. 6.You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it. 7.There\'s a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers. 8.The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you. 9.The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with roseanne on it. 10.The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5733, 'Travel Jokes', 'Haircut before Trip', 'A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, \"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It\'s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You\'re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?\"\"We\'re taking TWA,\" was the reply. \"We got a great rate!\"\"TWA?\" exclaimed the barber. \"That\'s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they\'re always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?\"\"We\'ll be at the downtown International Marriott.\"\"That dump! That\'s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they\'re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?\"\"We\'re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.\"\"That\'s rich,\" laughed the barber. \"You and a million other people trying to see him. He\'ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You\'re going to need it.\"A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.\"It was wonderful,\" explained the man, \"not only were we on time in one of TWA\'s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They\'d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it\'s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!\"\"Well,\" muttered the barber, \"I know you didn\'t get to see the pope.\"\"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I\'d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.\"\"Really?\" asked the Barber. \"What\'d he say?\"He said, \"Where\'d you get the lousy haircut?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5734, 'Travel Jokes', 'David Beckham', 'whats the best way to travel to the moon?transform yourself into a ball and get davidBeckham to take a penalty!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5735, 'Women Jokes', 'Road Hazard', 'Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, \"I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.\" After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, \"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!\"Mildred turned to her and said, \"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5736, 'Women Jokes', 'Rights', 'George: Sam u wanna hear a jokeSam: sureGeorge: Womens Rights'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5737, 'Women Jokes', 'True Love', 'A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women\'s husband\'s funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. \"Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone.\" \"All gone?\", the friend asks, shocked. \"Yes\", said the widow.\"I don\'t understand\", says the friend. \"How did you already go through $10,000?\"\"Well, it is really not as bad as you think.\" says the widow.\"I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone.\"Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says \"That must have been a huge stone for $3000!\"The widow answers: \"Yeah, it was 3 carats!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5738, 'Women Jokes', 'New scientific element: WOMAN', 'Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don\'t even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5739, 'Women Jokes', 'picking up a woman in a laundromat', 'Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can\'t even afford a washing machine, will never be able to support you.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5740, 'Women Jokes', 'women and small feet', 'Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5741, 'Women Jokes', 'Woman saying something smart', 'How do you know when a woman\'s about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with \"A man one told me ....\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5742, 'Women Jokes', 'I haven\'t spoken in months', 'I haven\'t spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don\'t like to interrupt her.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5743, 'Women Jokes', '8 things women won\'t say', '8. What do you mean today\'s our anniversary? 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I\'d rather just watch TV.6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big! 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I\'m tired of being \'just friends\' 4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3. Aww, don\'t stop for directions, I\'m sure you\'ll be able to figure out how to get there. 2. I don\'t care if it\'s on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.1. Hey, pull my finger!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5744, 'Women Jokes', 'dishwasher breaks down', 'What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down? Kick her in the butt!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5745, 'Women Jokes', 'womens monthly pain', 'Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5746, 'Women Jokes', 'Marriage and Cheating', 'Marriage was invented because it\'s only so much fun to cheat at cards.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5747, 'Women Jokes', '3 women went out drinking', '3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, \"I drove my car into a ditch.\"The second woman said, \"I blew chunks.\"The third woman said, \"I burned down my house.\" After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, \"I guess I won,\" and the second woman said, \"You don\'t understand, Chunks is my dog.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5748, 'Women Jokes', 'Ed Zachary Disease', 'A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, \"OK, take off all your crose.\"The woman did as she was told.\"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.\" Again,The woman did as she was instructed.Dr. Chang then said, \"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.\" So she did..Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, \"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.\"Worried, the woman asked anxiously, \"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?\"Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, \"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5749, 'Women Jokes', 'She-Devil', 'There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, \'\'You don\'t scare me I am married to your sister!\'\'\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5750, 'Women Jokes', 'The Pharmacist', 'Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, \"It\'s the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.\"Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, \"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I\'ll be damned if I didn\'t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.\"The pharmacist continues, \"It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5751, 'Women Jokes', 'Tight Skirt', 'One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn\'t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn\'t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn\'t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don\'t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma\'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5752, 'Women Jokes', 'Six Most Important Men in a Woman\'s Life', 'THE DOCTOR because he says \"Take your clothes off.\"THE DENTIST because he says \"Open wide.\"THE HAIR DRESSER because he says \"Do you want them teased or blown?\"THE MILKMAN because he says \"Do you want it in the back or in the front?\"THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says \"Once it\'s in you\'ll love it.\"THE BANKER because he says \"If you take it out too soon, you\'ll lose interest.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5753, 'Women Jokes', 'The Devout Catholic Woman', 'Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, \"At last they\'re finally together.\" A guy sitting in the front row says, \"Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?\" \"I mean her legs!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5754, 'Women Jokes', 'Top 10 Things Only Women Understand', '10) Cats\' facial expressions.9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8) Why bean sprouts aren\'t just weeds.7) “Fat” clothes.6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3) Eyelash curlers.2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.1) Other women.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5755, 'Women Jokes', 'Bad drivers.', 'Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5756, 'Women Jokes', 'Why did the woman cross the road?', 'Why did the women cross the road?Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5757, 'Women Jokes', '10 things men know', '10 things men know about women:-------------------------------1:2:3:4:5:6:7:8:9:10: They have tits'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5758, 'Women Jokes', 'likable', 'I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:Acts like her! Looks like her! Smells like her!So i took her home my father doesn\'t like her!?!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5759, 'Women Jokes', 'Mistakes', 'Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5760, 'Women Jokes', 'A Florida Genie', 'A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.The genie said, \"OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I\'m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!\"The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, \"I\'ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I\'m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?\"The genie laughed and said, \"That\'s impossible!!!Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish.\"The man said, \"OK, I\'ll try to think of a really good wish.\" Finally, he said, \"I\'ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don\'t care and that I\'m insensitive.So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they\'re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they\'re crying, know what they really want when they say \"nothing,\", know how to make them truly happy.\"The genie said, \"Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5761, 'Women Jokes', 'Breast Awareness', 'Finally, something other than smiley faces....Perfect breasts(o)(o)Fake silicone breasts( + )( + )Perky breasts(*)(*)Big nipple breasts(@)(@)A cupso oD cups{ O }{ O }Wonder bra breasts(oYo)Cold breasts( ^ )( ^ )Lopsided breasts(o)(O)Pierced Breasts(Q)(O)Hanging Tassels Breasts(p)(p)Against The Shower Door Breasts( )( )Android Breasts| o | | o |Martha Stewart\'s Breasts($)($)OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5762, 'Women Jokes', 'Birthday Girl', 'Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, \"I don\'t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I\'m stumped.\"His buddy said, \"I have an idea, why don\'t you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She\'ll probably be thrilled.\"So that\'s what Joe did.The next day at the bar, his buddy said, \"Well, did you take my suggestion?\"\"Yes, I did,\" said Joe.\"Did she like it?\" His buddy asked.\"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, \"I\'ll be back in an hour!!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5763, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mama so fat.. tripped', 'Yo mamma\'s so fat, she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5764, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mama so fat... George Washington', 'Yo Mama is so fat, when she sits on a quarter she squeezes a booger out of George Washington\'s nose.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5765, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mama so ugly.. taco bell..', 'Yo mama\'s so ugly, she\'s like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5766, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so stupid', 'Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5767, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so ugly... blind..', 'Yo mama\'s so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5768, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so old... tits', 'Yo mama so old, I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5769, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so fat.. cereal..', 'Yo mama is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5770, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so fat.. band..', 'Yo Mama is so fat, that when she dances, the band skips!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5771, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so fat.. disease', 'Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 18 years to live.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5772, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so fat.. cereal', 'Yo mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5773, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so fat.. drivers license', 'Yo mama is so fat that her driver\'s license says, \"Picture continued on other side.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5774, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama is so fat... driveway', 'Yo mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5775, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama is so fat.. neck', 'Yo mama is so fat, that the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5776, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mama so fat, when.. ran away', 'Yo mama\'s so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5777, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mama in an elevator', 'Yo mama\'s so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5778, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama is so fat.. shovel', 'Yo mama\'s so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5779, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama is so fat.. lost', 'Yo mama\'s so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5780, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama is so fat... restaurant', 'Yo mama\'s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn\'t get a menu, she gets an estimate.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5781, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so stupid.. juice', 'Yo\' mama is so stupid she tried to make apple juice out of grapes!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5782, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama so stupid.. . refund', 'Yo\' mama so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5783, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mama is so fat.....website', 'Yo mama is so fat her ass formed it\'s own website.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5784, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'your mama is so fat', 'Yo mama is so fat she uses her underwear for bungy jumping.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5785, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mamma so fat... elevater', 'Yo mamma is so fat, she went in the elevator, and when she pressed up, it went down.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5786, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mamma so fat', 'Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5787, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mamma is so ugly... onion', 'Yo mamma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5788, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mamas so stupid...gumball', 'Yo mamas so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5789, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'Yo mamas so fat ... skittles', 'Yo mamas so fat she sat on Saturn and skittles started falling out'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5790, 'Yo Mama Jokes', 'yo mama\'s teeth', 'yo mama\'s teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings, \"i got sunshine on a cloudy day\".....'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5812, 'Animal World', 'How To Give Your Cat a Pill', 'How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, \"That\'s a nice kitty.\" Drop pill into its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat\'s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat\'s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won\'t be able to see what you\'re doing. That\'s just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7. If you\'re a woman, have a good cry. If you\'re a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who\'s the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, \"Who\'s the boss here, anyway?\" Open cat\'s mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!9. This isn\'t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat\'s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat\'s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat\'s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It\'s done.17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat\'s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirins and lie down.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5813, 'Animal World', 'Man and wife at the zoo', 'It\'s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She\'s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he\'s just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, \"Now, tell him you have a headache.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5814, 'Animal World', 'Hungry Snake', 'Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then hehappened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beerdown his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5815, 'Animal World', 'A veterinarian surgeon...', 'A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. \"Is this the vet?\" asked an elderly lady\'s voice.\"Yes, it is\", replied the vet, \"Is this an emergency?\"\"Well, sort of\", said the elderly lady, \"there\'s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can\'t get to sleep. What can I do about it?\" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied \"Open the window and tell them they\'re wanted on the phone\"\"Really?\" said the elderly lady, \"Will that will that stop them?\"\"Should do,\" said the vet, \"- IT STOPPED ME!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5816, 'Animal World', 'Tarzania', 'What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?\"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance\"What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglassesin the distance?Nothing. He doesn\'t recognize them.What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?\"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5817, 'Animal World', 'Tarzania II', 'What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?An elephant is grey.What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?\"Look! A herd of plums in the distance\" (Jane is colorblind)'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5818, 'Animal World', 'Elephants', 'How do you get four elephants into a Mini?Two in the front, two in the back.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5819, 'Animal World', 'Elephants II', 'What game do four elephants in a mini play?Squash'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5820, 'Animal World', 'Elephants III', 'How do you get an elephant into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Insert elephant.3. Close door.How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Remove elephant.3. Insert giraffe.4. Close door.How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?The door won\'t close.How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?There\'ll be one waiting outside in the Mini.How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?By the footprints in the butter.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5821, 'Animal World', 'Elephants IV', 'How do you get an elephant out of the water?Wet.How do you get two elephants out of the water?One by one.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5822, 'Animal World', 'Elephants V', 'Why do elephants live in herds?To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5823, 'Animal World', 'Elephants VI', 'How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him \"lunch\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5824, 'Animal World', 'Elephants VII', 'What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?Swim for it...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5825, 'Animal World', 'Elephants VIII', 'What has two grey legs and two brown legs?An elephant with diarrhea.What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?Lots of room!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5826, 'Animal World', 'Elephants IX', 'Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook ElephantThe English book - Elephants I have shot on SafariThe Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better ElephantsThe Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper ElephantsThe Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of MoneyThe Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish PeopleThe German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.The Icelandic book - Defrosting an ElephantThe Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His ElephantsThe Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5827, 'Animal World', 'How to Catch a White Elephant', 'How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian JensenGo to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you amuffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant willbe happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants likemuffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin(with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffinwithout rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant findsout that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5828, 'Animal World', 'The best book on elephants', 'The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants.The British submited a dry historical account \"The Elephant and the British Empire.\"The French submited a text \"The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account.\"The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled \"An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant\'s Ear.\"The Americans submited an article from \"Money\" magazine: \"Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s\"Green-Peace submited a counter-entry \"Elephants -- they\'re better than People\"The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled \"The superiority of the Soviet Elephant\"And submited a poem \"The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.\"But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier \"We have no Elephants but wouldn\'t you want to buy a Honda instead\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5829, 'Animal World', 'Top 15 Household Pet Dishes', 'Top 15 Household Pet Dishes15> Angelfish Cake14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye13> Chow Chow Mein12> Bran Muffy11> Eggs BenjiDict10> Yorkieshire pudding 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7> Shrimp Cockatiel 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1> I\'ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5830, 'Animal World', 'A miserable rooster', 'A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, \"What the hell is that all about?\"The farmer says, \"We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain\'t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5831, 'Animal World', 'A horse and a rabbit', 'A horse and a rabbit A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into amud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get thefarmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm butthe farmer can\'t be found. He drives the farmer\'s Mercedes back to themud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws theother end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the carforward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadowagain and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to thehorse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, \"I think I can stand over the hole!\" So he stretchedover the width of the hole and said, \"Grab for my dick and pullyourself up.\" And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don\'t need aMercedes!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5832, 'Animal World', 'A dog walks into a butcher shop...', 'A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it\'shis turn to be waited on.A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today.The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, \"How many pounds?\" The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,\"Anything else?\" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, \"How many?\" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops.The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog\'s neck.The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a housewhere it began to scratch the door to be let in.As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, \"That\'s areally smart dog you have there.\"\"He\'s not really all that smart,\" the owner replied.\"This is the second time this week he forgot his key.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5833, 'Animal World', 'Punishment that fits the crime', 'Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is apoodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks \"why are you here?\"The schnauzer responds, \"I\'m 17 years old. I don\'t see or hear very well.I\'ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I\'m too old and sickso he brought me here to be put to sleep.\"The schnauzer asks the poodle \"why are you here?\"The poodle responds, \"I\'ve not been myself lately. I\'ve been especially highstrung. I\'ve been barking all the time, I\'ve been snapping at people and Ieven bit one of the neighbor\'s kids. Nobody knows why this has beenhappening. My owner says he can\'t risk me biting somebody else so he broughtme here to be put to sleep.\"The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.The great Dane responds: \"My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterdayshe was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took overand the next thing I know I\'m on top of her doing the doggie thing. Icouldn\'t help myself. \"The poodle asks: \"so she brought you here to put to sleep?\"\"Oh, no...., I\'m just here to get my nails trimmed.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5834, 'Animal World', 'Pray hard', 'A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, \"Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing.\" \"What do they say?\" the priest inquired. \"They say, \'Hi, we\'re prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?\" \"That\'s obscene!\" the priest exclaimed, \"I can see why youare embarrassed.\" He thought a minute and then said, \"You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrotswhom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them inthe cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrotsto praise and worship. I\'m sure your parrots will stop sayingthat...that phrase in no time.\" \"Thank you,\" the womanresponded, \"this may very well be the solution.\" The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest\'shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed outin unison, \"Hi, we\'re prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?\"There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, \"Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5835, 'Animal World', 'A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...', 'A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said \"I wish you could talk.\" The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. \"You can understand what I\'m saying?\" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.\"Well, did you see this?\"\"Yes,\" motioned the monkey.\"What happened?\"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.\"They were drinking?\" asked the officer.\"Yes.\"\"What else?\"The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.\"They were smoking marijuana?\"\"Yes.\"\"What else?\"The monkey motioned \"Screwing.\"\"They were screwing, too?\" asked the astounded officer.\"Yes.\" \"Now wait, you\'re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.\"\"Yes.\"\"What were you doing during all this?\"\"Driving\" motioned the monkey.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5836, 'Animal World', 'A little girl was out with her Grandmother...', 'A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. \"What are they doing, Grandma?\" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, \"The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.\" They\'re just like people, aren\'t they Grandma?\" said the little one. \"How do you mean?\" asked the Grandma. \"Offer someone a helping hand,\" said the little girl, \"and they fuck you everytime!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5837, 'Animal World', 'German Shepard on Golf Course', 'German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5838, 'Animal World', 'Footless Parrot', 'Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he\'s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters \"I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?\" The parrot says \"With my prick, you dummy.\" The guy is startled and says \"You certainly talk well for a parrot.\" The parrot says \"Of course, I\'m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.\" The guy says \"Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.\" The parrot says \"There\'s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I\'ll bet he\'ll sell me.\" The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A\'s won, the Giant\'s lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says \"Come in and shut the door.\" The guy says \"What\'s up?\" The parrot says \"I don\'t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.\" The guy says \"Oh, A momentary flight of passion.\" The parrot says \"Then he fondled her breasts.\" The guy says \"He did??!\" The parrot says \"Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.\" The guy says \"My God, what happened next???!!!\" The parrot says \"I don\'t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5839, 'Animal World', 'A dangerous job', 'This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. \"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?\" the service guy asks. \"Boy,\" is the man\'s response. \"Oh yeah, I can do it. I\'ll be right there,\" says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: \"Now, I\'m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla\'s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.\" The man asks, \"What do I do with the shotgun?\" The service guy replies, \"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5840, 'Animal World', 'THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS', 'THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5841, 'Animal World', 'There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle...', 'There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant\'s tail, really hard.Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.\"Why did you do that?\" the giraffe asks.\"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,\" the elephant replied.\"Wow! You must have a good memory!\" exclaimed the giraffe.\"Yep!\" said the elephant. \"I\'ve got Turtle-Recall.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5842, 'Animal World', 'A robber was robbing a house...', 'A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. \"Jesus is watching you!\" \"who\'s there?\" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. \"What\'s your name,\" the robber asked. \"Cocodora\" said the parrot. \"Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora\" said the robber. \"The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus\", said the parrot.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5843, 'Animal World', 'Three mice are sitting in a bar talking...', 'Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, \"I play with mouse traps for fun. I\'ll run into one on purpose and as it\'s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.\" And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, \"That\'s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut \'em up, and snort \'em just for the fun of it.\" And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, \"Where the hell are you going?\" The third mouse stops and replies, \"I\'m going home to fuck the cat.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5844, 'Animal World', 'A blind man is standing at the corner...', 'A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, \"Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?\" \"Yes, I\'m trying to break him of this dreadful habit\", replies the blind man. \"Well, it\'s none of my business,\" says the onlooker, \"but you\'re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!\" To which the blind fellow chuckles, \"Oh I\'m not rewarding him. I\'m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5845, 'Animal World', 'One night a man heard howls coming from his basement...', 'One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse\'s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. \"Don\'t be afraid, darling,\" said the man. \"Wait until I tell you about this.\" \"Get out of here!\" cried his wife. \"And take that sex maniac with you!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5846, 'Animal World', 'Wife comes home to find the old man...', 'Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. \"My God Henry\", she screams, \"I know you\'ve had other woman but this time you\'ve gone too far!\" \"You may be right\" he says, \"I think I\'m stuck.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5847, 'Animal World', 'A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar...', 'A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. \"Get a load of her\" said the mouse, \"what a babe!\" \"Well, why not try your luck?\" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they\'re out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, \"What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?\" The mouse replied, \"Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I\'ve never had a night like it!\" \"But how come you look like you\'re so exhausted?\" asked the lion. \"Well\" said the mouse, \"between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5848, 'Animal World', 'Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?', 'Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn\'t stop as fast.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5849, 'Animal World', 'A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. \"Listen,\" he says...', 'A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. \"Listen,\" he says to the bartender. \"If i show you the most amazing thing you\'ve ever seen, is my beer on the house?\" \"We\'ll See,\" says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. \"Impressive,\" says the bartender, \"but i\'ll need to see more.\" \"Hold on,\" says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings \"Old Man River.\" A patron jups up from mhis table and shouts \"Thats\'s Absolutely incredible! I\'ll give you $100 right now for the frog.\" \"Sold,\" says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. \"It\'s none of my business,\" says the bartender, \"but you just gave away a fortune.\" \"Not really,\" says the guy. \"The hamster is also a ventriloquist.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5850, 'Animal World', 'What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg?', 'What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ? 1) You only get laid once. 2) You only get eaten once. 3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water. 4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5851, 'Animal World', 'Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole...', 'Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. \"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How\'s the tractor selling business these days?\" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. \"John,\" he said, shaking his head, \"I don\'t know what it is. I can\'t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I\'ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I\'ll lose that dealership for good.\" \"Well,\" John said, taking the barstool next to him, \"If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this....\" \"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol\' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol\' Bes starts a slappin\' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol\' Bessy\'s tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.\" \"I didn\'t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an\' tie Bessy\'s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.\" \"Well by this time, Bessy\'s about livid, and she doesn\'t want any part of it, so she let\'s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn\'t about to give in to this ol\' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy\'s left leg to the other side of the stall.\" Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, \"Well, did you finally get to milk her?\" \"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I\'ll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I\'ll BUY a tractor from ya....!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5852, 'Animal World', 'Laboratory Rabbit Freedom', 'Laboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. \'Wow, this is great,\' he thought. It wasn\'t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. \'Hey,\' he called. \'I\'m a rabbit from the laboratory and I\'ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? \'Yes. Come and join us,\' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. \'What else do you wild rabbits do?\' he asked. \'Well,\' one of them said. \'You see that field there? It\'s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.\' This, he couldn\'t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, \'What else do you do?\' \'You see that field there? It\'s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.\' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. \'Is there anything else you guys do?\' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. \'There\'s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,\' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. \'They\'re girls. We poke them. Go and try it.\' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. \'That was fantastic,\' he panted. \'So are you going to live with us then?\' one of them asked. \'I\'m sorry, I had a great time but I can\'t.\' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. \'Why? We thought you liked it here.\' \'I do,\' our friend replied. \'But I must get back to the laboratory. I\'m dying for a cigarette.\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5853, 'Animal World', 'A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus...', 'A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says \"I\'ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN\'T play\' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus\' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it\'s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, \' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I\'ll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus\' owner comes over and says \'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, \'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it\'s pajamas off, I\'m gonna screw it!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5854, 'Animal World', 'Want some chicken?', 'Want some chicken? A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer \"What\'s up with these chickens?\" The farmer said \"Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I\'m going to be a millionaire.\" The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said \"Don\'t know, haven\'t caught one yet.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5855, 'Animal World', 'A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow...', 'A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can\'t be found. So he drives the farmer\'s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, \"I think I can stand over the hole!\" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, \"Grab for my \'thingy\' and pull yourself up.\" And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don\'t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5856, 'Animal World', 'With best intentions', 'As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified \"No dogs.\" Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn\'t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. \"How is everything?\" asked Chuck. \"We\'re moving\" replied the man. \"This is a sick neighborhood.\" \"Why? What happened?\" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: \"Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5857, 'Animal World', 'Excerpts from the rural life', 'A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says \"Ok, old fellow, time to retire.\" The old rooster says \"You can\'t handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!\" The young rooster replies, \"Now, don\'t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.\" The old rooster says, \"Aw, c\'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won\'t bother you.\" The young rooster says, \"Scram! Beat it! You\'re washed up! I\'m taking over!\" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, \"I\'ll tell you what, young fellow, I\'ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.\" The young rooster says, \"You know I\'m going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I\'m even going to give you a head start.\" They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck \"Go!\" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what\'s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says \"Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5858, 'Animal World', 'A man in a state of excessive inebriation...', 'A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn\'t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.\"That\'s fantastic\", the man said. \"Hasn\'t he scored three bulls?\"The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.\"Yes, sir!\", he announced to the crowd. \"This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!\"\"I don\'t want any bloody glasses\", the drunk replied. \"Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5859, 'Animal World', 'Almost no diffenrence', '\"What\'s the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine,\" the society matron asked the zookeeper.\"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.\"This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager\'s office. The zoo manager said, \"Ma\'am, I apologize for my staff\'s unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5860, 'Animal World', 'You know why a dog licks his ass?', 'You know why a dog licks his ass?Because he knows in five minutes he\'ll be licking your face.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5861, 'Animal World', 'The talking dog', 'A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. \"This is a talking dog,\" hesaid. \"And you can have him for five dollars.\" The neighbour said, \"Who doyou think you\'re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain\'t no suchanimal.\"Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. \"Please buy me, Sir,\" hepleaded. \"This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog inAmerica. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated tentimes.\"\"Hey!\" said the neighbour. \"He can talk. Why do you want to sell him forjust five dollars?\" \"Because,\" said the seller, \"I\'m getting tired of allhis lies.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5862, 'Animal World', 'Beware of dog!', 'Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.He asked the store manager, \"Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof?\"\"Yep, that\'s him,\" he replied.The stranger couldn\'t help but be amused. \"That certainly doesn\'t look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?\"\"Because\", the owner replied, \"before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5863, 'Animal World', 'This man goes into the doctor with his...', 'This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state,really bad now.Doctor: \"What happened to you?\"He says: \"I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!\"Doctor: \"But I don\'t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow andcouldn\'t cause that much damage!\"He says \"Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5864, 'Animal World', 'A woman was thinking about finding a pet...', 'A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home.She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn\'t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot.She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn\'t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.The owner looked at her and said, \"Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff.\"The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway.The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.She hung the bird\'s cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, \"New house, new madam.\"The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thoughtthat\'s not so bad.A couple hours later, the woman\'s two teenage daughters returnedfrom school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them andsaid, \"New house, new madam, new whores.\"The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but thanbegan to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, thewoman\'s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him andsaid, \"New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5865, 'Animal World', 'A duck walks into a general store...', 'A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,\"Gotany fresh fruit?\"\"No.\"\"Got any fresh vegetables?\"\"No. We have only canned and dry goods.\"The next day, the duck returns.\"Got any fresh fruit?\"\"No.\"\"Got any fresh vegetables?\"\"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I\'ll nail your flippers to the floor.\"On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,\"Got any nails?\"\"No.\"\"Got any fresh fruit?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5866, 'Animal World', 'Two guys go hunting...', 'Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe hashunted all his life.When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry tosit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears ablood-curdling scream.He rushes back to Jerry and yells, \"I thought I told you to bequiet!\"Jerry says, \"Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawledover me, I didn\'t make a sound. When that bear was breathing downmy neck, I didn\'t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawledup my pants leg and said, \'Should we take them with us or eat themhere?\' I couldn\'t keep quiet any more!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5867, 'Animal World', 'How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?', 'How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?Pick him up and start sucking his dick.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5868, 'Animal World', 'A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years...', 'A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he\'s been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died.The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female.\"No! I\'m not doing it anymore!\" says the farmer. \"And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5869, 'Animal World', 'What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?', 'What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?\"Dam\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5870, 'Animal World', 'Where do you find a no legged dog?', 'Where do you find a no legged dog?Right where you left him.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5871, 'Animal World', 'Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?', 'Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?So it doesn\'t explode when you fuck it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5872, 'Animal World', 'A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog...', 'A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & aroundhis head.The druggist says \"May I help you?\" The blind man replies \"No thank you, I\'m just lookingaround.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5873, 'Animal World', 'A New York boy was being led through the swamps...', 'A New York boy was being led through the swamps ofLouisiana by his cousin. \"Is it true that an alligator won\'tattack you if you carry a flashlight?\"The cousin smirked and replied, \"Depends on how fast yacarry the flashlight.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5874, 'Animal World', 'Good business', 'Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. Hesurpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to himafter an encounter with a porcupine.After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, hereturned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.\"Fifteen dollars, Ma\'am,\" he answered.\"Why that\'s simply outrageous!\" she stormed. \"That\'s what\'s wrong withyou Maine people, you\'re always trying to over charge summer visitors.Whatever do you do in the winter, when we\'re not being gypped here?\"\"Raise porcupines, Ma\'am.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5875, 'Animal World', 'If I have a rooster and you have a donkey...', 'If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bitesoff my roosters feet, what do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5876, 'Animal World', 'What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?', 'What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? Gee, we really do taste like chicken.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5877, 'Animal World', 'What is the difference between a dog and a fox?', 'What is the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight beers.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5878, 'Animal World', 'How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?', 'How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?Moooo-ooo-ooo'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5879, 'Animal World', 'One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost...', 'One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.He had not eaten anything during this period and wasfamished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple ofpark rangers happen to find him at that moment, andarrested him for killing an endangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn\'t eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.In the judges closing statement he asked the man, \"Iwould like you to tell me something before I let you go.I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.What did it taste like?\" The man answered, \"Well,it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and aspotted owl.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5880, 'Animal World', 'Why do elephants have 4 feet?', 'Why do elephants have 4 feet? -Because 4 inches isn\'t enough.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5881, 'Animal World', 'Two men were walking along the street when...', 'Two men were walking along the street when they cameupon a dog licking his dick.One man said, \"I sure wish I could do that.\" The other replied, \"You can, but you\'re probably goingto have to pet him first.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5882, 'Animal World', 'Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts...', 'Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of theirherd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,\"I hear they\'re doing this to women in Chicago!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5883, 'Animal World', 'Have you ever smelled moth balls?', 'Have you ever smelled moth balls? - How did you get their little legs apart?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5884, 'Animal World', 'What has two legs and bleeds?', 'What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5885, 'Animal World', 'What does an elephant use as a vibrator?', 'What does an elephant use as a vibrator? An epilectic.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5886, 'Animal World', 'Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?', 'Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ? - Because it was dead. Why did the baby fall out of the tree ? - Because it was stapled to the monkey.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5887, 'Animal World', 'Why does a cow wear a bell?', 'Why does a cow wear a bell?Because his horns are broke!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5888, 'Animal World', 'How do you catch a polar bear?', 'How do you catch a polar bear?Answer: First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.Sent by Ediie'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5889, 'Animal World', 'Snake joke', 'First snake:I hope I\'m not poisonous.Second snake:Why?First snake:Because I bit my lip!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5890, 'Animal World', 'Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cats Urine', 'This is, like, so dumb...Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat\'s Urine 1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession. 2.Solemnly intone the word \"no\" every time the cat approaches the beaker. 3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5891, 'Animal World', 'A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo...', 'A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.They are standing in front of the big silverback gorillas cage, when one woman makes agesture that the gorilla interprets as aninvitation. He grabs her yanks her over thefence and takes her to his nest in the pen.There he ravishhes her and makes passionatelove to her for about 2 hours till he istranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks\" Are you hurt?\" She replies. Of Course I\'m hurt, He hasn\'tcalled! He hasn\'t written!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5892, 'Animal World', 'A gruesome murder', 'A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker barin the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, \"Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outsideto the parking meter?\"A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his bodyhair growing out through the seams, turned slowly onhis stool, looked down at the quivering little manand said, \"It\'s my dog. Why?\"\"Well,\" squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,\"I believe my dog just killed it, sir.\"\"What?\" roared the big man in disbelief. \"What in thehell kind of dog do you have?\"\"Sir,\" answered the little man, \"It\'s a four week oldpuppy.\"\"Bull!\" roared the biker, \"How could your puppy kill myDoberman?\"\"It appears that he choked on it, sir.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5893, 'Animal World', 'There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam...', 'There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, andyoung George was pretty excited.\"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?\" asked George.\"George, relax. Here is how it works. We\'ll wait until they\'re lined upat the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a niceorderly fashion.\" said Sam.\"Okay, I can do that.\" George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Samsaid and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few moreinstructions.\"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I\'ll start at one end andyou can start at the other. We\'ll meet in the middle\" said Sam.\"OK, OK, let\'s go!\" said George.\"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals willlet us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?\"said Sam.\"Sure\" says George.Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at oneend and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember\'s Sam\'sinstructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure tosay - \"Thank you ma\'am, thank you ma\'am, thank you ma\'am, thank you ma\'am,thank you ma\'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma\'am.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5894, 'Animal World', 'What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?', 'What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks funny!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5895, 'Animal World', 'Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?', 'Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? He got 16 months.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5896, 'Animal World', 'The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order...', 'The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: \"I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.\"He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: \"I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.\"Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. \"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,\" he typed. \"Please send us two of them.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5897, 'Animal World', 'Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?', 'Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet? They step on you and you\'re screwedSent by D.L.Chapin'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5898, 'Animal World', 'Bying a horse', 'This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend\"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buya horse, I\'m sending him over.\"The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male orfemale horse.\"A female horth,\" the midget replies.So the owner shows him one.\"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?\" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse s mouth.\"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?\"So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.\"Ok, what about the earsth?\"Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget onemore time and shows the ears.\"OK, finally, I d like to see her twat,\" said the midget.With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head upthe horse\'s twat, then pulled him out.Shaking his head, the midget says, \"perhapth I should rephrase.I\'d like to see her run!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5899, 'Animal World', 'There were two guys walking down the street...', 'There were two guys walking down the streetand they saw a dog licking his nuts.One of the guys said. \"Man I wish I could do that\".Then the other guy said, \"Man that dog will bite you!\"!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5900, 'Animal World', 'Why do gorillas have big noses?', 'Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5901, 'Animal World', 'How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style', 'How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager StyleSenior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based onthe assumption that elephants are just like field mice, butwith deeper voices. Sent by Alex'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5902, 'Animal World', 'How to Hunt Elephants -- QA Style', 'How to Hunt Elephants -- QA StyleQuality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and lookfor mistakes the other hunters made when they were packingthe jeep.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5903, 'Animal World', 'How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style', 'How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales StyleSalespeople don\'t hunt elephants but spend their timeselling elephants they haven\'t caught, for delivery twodays before the season opens. Software salespeople ship thefirst thing they catch and write up an invoice for anelephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint themgray and sell them as \"desktop elephants.\"Sent by Alex'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5904, 'Animal World', 'On preparing to return home from an out of town trip...', 'On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppyonboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of hispants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shakingand quivering. \'Are you OK, sir?\' asked the stew? \'Yes, I\'m fine.\' said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.. \'Are you sure you\'re alright sir?\' \'Yes.\' said the man, \'but I have a confession to make. I didn\'t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.\' \'Whats wrong?\' asked the stew, \'Is he not house broken?\' \'No, that\'s not the problem. The problem is he\'s not weaned yet!\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5905, 'Animal World', 'Two neighbors had been fighting each other...', 'Two neighbors had been fighting each other fornigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane andteaches it to use the bathroom in Bill\'s yard.For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use thebathroom in Bill\'s yard. After about a year and ahalf of Bob\'s cow crapping in Bill\'s yard; beingignored all the while, a semi pulls up in frontof Bill\'s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what\'s in the18-wheeler. \'My new pet elephant,\' Bill replies solemly.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5906, 'Animal World', 'There were two cats that enjoyed running together...', 'There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three.The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a hugeriver. The cats took a large run up and leapt asfar as they could. Which cat drowned? Un-deux-trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq)'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5907, 'Animal World', 'Pet owners', 'There\'s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guywith a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinschersays to the guy with a Chihuahua, \'Let\'s go over tothat restaurant and get something to eat.\' The guy with the Chihuahua says, \'We can\'t go in there.We\'ve got dogs with us.\' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \'Just follow my lead.\' They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the DobermanPinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walkin. A guy at the door says, \'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.\' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \'You don\'t understand.This is my seeing-eye dog.\' The guy at the door says, \'A Doberman Pinscher?\' He says, \'Yes,they\'re using them now, they\'re very good.\' The guy at the door says, \'Come on in.\' The guy with the Chihuahua figures, \'What the hell,\' so he putson a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, \'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.\' The guy with the Chihuahua says, \'You don\'t understand. This ismy seeing-eye dog.\' The guy at the door says, \'A Chihuahua?\' The guy with the Chihuahua says, \'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5908, 'Animal World', 'What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?', 'What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?\"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5909, 'Animal World', 'There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river...', 'There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lioncame by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, \"Howfunny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?\"After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbedthe lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course,and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring,he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good timeto be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he hadto think of something quick because he wasn\'t going to outrun the lion.Just then the gorilla saw a hunter\'s tent and ducked inside to hide.The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter\'sshirt and hat, and started to read the paper.A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunterreading the paper, said, \"Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?\"From behind the paper The gorilla answered, \"You mean the one thatscrewed the lion in the ass?\"Flabergasted, the lion said, \"Holy Shit! It\'s in the paper already?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5910, 'Animal World', 'An elephant...', 'An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, \"How do you breathe out of that thing?\"Sent by abu dahbi'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5911, 'Animal World', 'A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot...', 'A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for hisbirthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitudedue to the influence of its former owner, who is now adeceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and downat everything it sees. One day the man comes home with agorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing theparrot says is \" Hey bitch how much for a handjob\". Shetakes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out thedoor. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.The parrot opens up with,\"I\'ll suck that crusty coin-slotcrack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you losethat over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle thosedroopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack thatleaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threatfrom his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands nomore. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it intothe freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kickingfrom the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silencepasses by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.The bird calmly perches on his finger. \"Have you learnedyour lesson?\", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is\"I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuckhappened to the chicken?Sent by Rob'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5912, 'Animal World', 'How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?', 'Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A. Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5913, 'Animal World', 'A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...', 'A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he noticesthat the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stopsat the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets abig dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he\'s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, \"It looks like you blew a seal.\" \"No, no,\" the penguin replies, \"it\'s just ice cream.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5914, 'Animal World', 'What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?', 'What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?A Cock that can stay up all night!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5915, 'Animal World', 'At an auction', 'During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placeda winning bid told the auctioneer, \"I\'m paying a fortunefor that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say hedoes.\"\"I guarantee it, madam,\" replied the auctioneer. \"Who doyou think was bidding against you?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5916, 'Animal World', 'Some cows view each day as the last roundup...', 'Some cows view each day as the last roundup,others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunityto eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5917, 'Animal World', 'Persistency Act', 'A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and noone is there. He looks all around and he finally sees alittle snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up andthrows it across the street into a field.Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on hisdoor. He opens it up and no one is there.He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snailsitting on the doormat.The snail looks up and says, \"What the hell was that allabout?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5918, 'Animal World', 'What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?', 'Here\'s a sad one...Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5919, 'Animal World', 'A man takes his dog for a walk in the park...', 'A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he\'s there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, \"Man, I sure wish I could do that.\" The dog owner says, \"Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5920, 'Animal World', 'Stuttering animal', 'Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that aninteresting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no otheranimal in the world does this.Johnny\'s hand shoots up. \"Not correct, Miss!\" he says.\"Please explain, Johnny,\" replies the teacher.\"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours\' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went \"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!\", and before he could say \"FUCK OFF!\", the dog ate him!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5921, 'Animal World', 'My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of...', 'My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult timeachieving an orgasm.The Dr said \"which position do you use?\"\"Doggy style,\" said dumb shit.\"why don\'t you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see ifthat works any better.\" said the Dr.\"We\'ve tryed that\" he said, \"but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5922, 'Animal World', 'What\'s the worst thing about washing your cat?', 'Q: What\'s the worst thing about washing your cat?A: Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5923, 'Animal World', 'I think Rover is getting a bit old...', '\"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.\"\"Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you\'re right, I\'ll getthe shovel and clean it up!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5924, 'Animal World', 'An irresolvable problem', 'A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.\"Have you always been that way?\" asked the podiatrist.\"No,\" she said, not until recently. \"I\'ve been fucking a lot doggie style.\"\"Well,\" said the podiatrist, \"you are going to have to stop.\"\"I can\'t,\" she replied, \"that\'s the only way my German Shepherd fucks.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5925, 'Animal World', 'Why does a dog lick his balls?', 'Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can\'t make a fist.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5926, 'Animal World', 'Why do dogs stick their noses in women\'s crotches?', 'Why do dogs stick their noses in women\'s crotches?Because they can.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5927, 'Animal World', 'What\'s brown and crispy on the outside...', 'What\'s brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside? A cockroach.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5928, 'Animal World', 'A man running a little behind schedule arrives...', 'A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,\"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I\'m amazed!\"\"Yes, I\'m amazed also,\" came the reply. \"He hated the book.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5929, 'Animal World', 'What came first, the chicken or the egg?', 'What came first, the chicken or the egg? - I\'d have to say it was the rooster!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5930, 'Animal World', 'A horse walks into a bar...', 'A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: \"So, why the long face?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5931, 'Animal World', 'How do you make a cat drink?', 'How do you make a cat drink?1 cat2 lemonsVodkaMix then serve'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5932, 'Animal World', 'An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing...', 'An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.\"That way,\" he said, \"You get an extra day out of them between drinks.\"As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel\'s balls.The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days\' extra water.\"Doesn\'t that hurt?\" asked a tourist.\"Nah,\" replied the bloke. \"Only if you get your fingers caught!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5933, 'Animal World', 'Nice, but rough', 'An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horseflykept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.It was far out of reach.A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.\"Oh, thank you!\" said the elephant.\"My, pleasure ma\'am.\" said the sparrow.\"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there\'s anything I can ever do for you, don\'thesitate to ask.\"The sparrow said, \"Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuckan elephant.\"\"Be my guest!\", said the elephant.So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the treesabove, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.\"OUCH!\", said the elephant.Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, \"Am I hurting you, dear?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5934, 'Animal World', 'An ant and an elephant share a night of romance...', 'An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the antwakes up and the elephant is dead. \"Damn\", says the ant, \"one nightof passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5935, 'Animal World', 'A fair warning', 'Tourist guide at zoo: \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, thelargest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don\'t stand near the elephant\'s backside.... Madam, PLEASE don\'t stand near the elephant\'s backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5936, 'Animal World', 'There were two cows in a paddock...', 'There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said \"Moo.\"And the second cow said \"That\'s funny, I was just about to say that.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5937, 'Animal World', 'Two cows were talking in the field one day...', 'Two cows were talking in the field one day.First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that\'s going around?Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you\'re a penguin, doesn\'t it?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5938, 'Animal World', 'What\'s green and has wheels?', 'What\'s green and has wheels?A FrogI lied about the wheels'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5939, 'Animal World', 'I like monkeys', 'This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestlingDate: 1999/03/04Author: briang68g@gearthlink.netI like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Ithought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided notto look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.I herded them into my room. They didn\'t adapt very well to their newenvironment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at highspeeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectaclelost its novelty halfway into its third hour.Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, theyall died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta\' dropped dead. Kinda\' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn\'t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn\'t work. It got stuck. Then Ihad one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn\'t want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn\'t all go bad.I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had toextinguish the fire.Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn\'t improving.I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use thebathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was notallowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn\'t take that one either. I didn\'t bother asking about the frozen ones.I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. Myfriends didn\'t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in thegenitals.I like monkeys.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5940, 'Animal World', 'A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly...', 'A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: \"Hey dear, I think it\'s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5941, 'Animal World', 'Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly...', 'Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.One eagle says to the other, \"Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?\" The other replies, \"Yeah. You\'d move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5942, 'Animal World', 'Why did the cactus cross the road?', 'Why did the cactus cross the road?It was stuck to the dumb chickenSent by Robbie'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5943, 'Animal World', 'A man took his Rottweiler to the vet...', 'A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said \"My dog\'s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?\" \"Well,\" said the vet, \"lets have a look at him.\" So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. \"Hmm,\" says the vet, \"I\'m going to have to put him down\" \"Just because he\'s cross-eyed?\" says the man. \"No, because he\'s heavy,\" says the vet.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5944, 'Animal World', 'A talking horse', 'A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and beganto boast about his past. \"Yes sir, I\'m a fine horse. I\'ve run in 25 racesand won over Ł5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.\"The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found thehorse\'s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.\"Oh, you don\'t want that horse,\" said the farmer.\"Yes I do,\" said the salesman, \"and I\'ll give you Ł10,000 for the horse.\"Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, \"He\'s yours.\"While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, \"By the way, whywouldn\'t I want your horse?\"\"Because,\" said the farmer, \"he\'s a liar - he hasn\'t won a race in hislife.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5945, 'Animal World', 'The essential difference', 'One day the zoo-keeper noticed that \"Cheech\" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin\'s Origin of Species.In surprise he asked the ape, \"Why are you reading both those books\"?\"Well,\" said the orang-utang, \"I just wanted to know if I was my brother\'skeeper or my keeper\'s brother.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5946, 'Animal World', 'A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel...', 'A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. \"That\'s strange,\" said the fox. \"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree.\" \"Listen, bud,\" replied the boy squirrel. \"Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5947, 'Animal World', 'A German shepherd went to a Western Union office...', 'A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out ablank form and wrote, \"Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof.\"The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, \"There areonly nine words here. You could send another \'woof\' for thesame price.\"The dog replied \"What, and ruin the punchline?!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5948, 'Animal World', 'Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?', 'Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?It rips off your arm, then runs for help.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5949, 'Animal World', 'A lusty camel', 'A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says \"For Christ\'s sake, what do you want now?\" The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5950, 'Animal World', 'A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them...', 'A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. \"What\'s your name?\" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers \"My name\'s Huey and I\'m having a great day going in and out of puddles.\" She goes up to the second dog and asks \"What\'s your name?\" The dog replies \"My name\'s Duey and I\'m having a great day going in and out of puddles.\" She turns to the third dog and says \"I suppose you\'re going to tell me your names Luey and you\'re having a great day going in and out of puddles.\" The dog replies \"No, I\'m having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5951, 'Animal World', 'An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft...', 'An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: \"Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot..\"The eagle says \"what do you want?\"The mouse asks how high up they are.The eagle thinks for a moment and then says \"ohh about 5,000 ft.\"The mouse then replies \"You wouldn\'t be shittin me now would ya??\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5952, 'Animal World', 'What are 3 problems about being an egg?', 'What are 3 problems about being an egg?You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your faceis your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5953, 'Animal World', 'What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together?', 'Q: What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together?A: Bullshit'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5954, 'Animal World', 'What is grey and comes in quarts?', 'What is grey and comes in quarts?An Elephant.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5955, 'Animal World', 'There was once a wide mouth frog...', 'There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn\'t know what to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she said, \"COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?\" The Cow said, \"I feed my babies milk.\" She went on to the horse. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, \"HORSE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?\" \"I feed my babies hay.\" said the horse. Finally she came to a snake. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, \"SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?\" The snake said, \"I feed my babies wide mouth frogs.\" So the frog said, with her mouth really small, \"Oh, is that so.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5956, 'Animal World', 'One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole...', 'One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeinghim there, decides to investigate.\"Whatcha doin?\" he asked. Mongo replies, \"My goldfish died and I\'m burying him.\"\"That\'s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain\'t it?\" asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, \"That\'s because he\'s inside your fuckin\' cat!\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5957, 'Animal World', 'Did you hear about the blind skunk...', 'Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5958, 'Animal World', 'What do chain saws and monkeys have in common?', 'What do chain saws and monkeys have in common?They both fuck up trees!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5959, 'Animal World', 'What did the elephant say to the naked man?', 'What did the elephant say to the naked man?That\'s cute, but can it pick up peanuts!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5960, 'Animal World', 'What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?', 'What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?Fake an orgasm.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5961, 'Animal World', 'What\'s the difference between a bull and a cow?', 'What\'s the difference between a bull and a cow?A bull smiles when you milk it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5962, 'Animal World', 'A Duck walks into a bar...', 'A Duck walks into a bar. Duck: You got any bread?Barman: No, sorry, we don\'t have any bread[After a few minutes]Duck: You got any bread?Barman: Look, we don\'t have any bread[In a little while]Duck: You got any bread?Barman: We don\'t have any F*****g bread![Some time later]Duck: Got any bread?Barman: If you ask me if I\'ve got any F*****g bread once more I\'m gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar..................Duck: You got any nails?Barman: NO!Duck: You got any bread? Sent by Duncan'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5963, 'Animal World', 'A man takes his sick dog to the vet...', 'A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog ontothe the operating table, looks down and says \"Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!\"The man looks at the vet and says \"The dog can\'t speak\".The vet says to the man \"I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead!!!Sent by Peter'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5964, 'Animal World', 'It\'s so easy to milk a cow...', 'It\'s so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5965, 'Animal World', 'What has four legs and eight arms?', 'Q: What has four legs and eight arms?A: A pit-bull terrier at a children\'s play area.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5966, 'Animal World', 'Two male flies are buzzing around...', 'Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for goodlooking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on apile of cow shit and dives down toward her.\"Pardon me\" he asks, turning on his best charm,\"...but is this stool taken?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5967, 'Animal World', 'A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot...', 'A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. \"This one\'s $5,000 and the other is$10,000.\" the clerk said. \"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?\" \"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.\" \"And the other?\" said the customer. \"This one can sing Wagner\'s entire Ring cycle. There\'s another one inthe back room for $30,000.\" \"Holy moly! What does that one do?\" \"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him \'Maestro\'.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5968, 'Animal World', 'Two goldfish are in a tank...', 'Two goldfish are in a tank.One said to the other:\'Do you know how to drive this thing?\'Sent by Claire'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5969, 'Animal World', 'Two guys were out hunting, but they weren\'t...', 'Two guys were out hunting, but they weren\'t getting any ducks. \"What do you think the problem is?\" one man asked his companion. \"I dunno,\" came the reply, \"Maybe we aren\'t throwing the dog up high enough.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5970, 'Animal World', 'What do you do with a dog with no legs?', 'What do you do with a dog with no legs?Take it for a drag.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5971, 'Animal World', 'For all animal lovers out there', 'For all animal lovers out there:How do you make a cat go \'woof\'? Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. and...How do you make a dog go \'miaow\'? Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5972, 'Animal World', 'What has two legs, spots, and bleeds?', 'What has two legs, spots, and bleeds? Half a cheetah.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5973, 'Animal World', 'A farmer comes home with a lively young bull...', 'A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bullshave fallen on sad days. He\'s letting them hang around for oldtimes\' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one ofthe old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,\"Why are you doing that?\"The old bull answers, \"I don\'t want him to think I\'m one of these cows!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5974, 'Animal World', 'A boy and girl octopus out on a date...', 'A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in arm in arm...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5975, 'Animal World', 'Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other...', 'Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says \"Do you know how to drive this thing?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5976, 'Animal World', 'What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?', 'What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?A headbanger'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5977, 'Animal World', 'What do you call a dog with no legs?', 'What do you call a dog with no legs?Hehe...it doen\'t matter, it\'s not going to come anyway!Sent by Melissa'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5978, 'Animal World', 'What does a lion call a antelope?', 'What does a lion call a antelope?Fast food.Sent by jessica'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5979, 'Animal World', 'Dog washing', 'A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the localgrocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly,asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.\"Nope, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I\'m going to wash my dog!\"\"But you shouldn\'t use this to wash your dog. It\'s verypowerful and if you wash your dog in this, he\'ll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him.\"But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergentto the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer stilltried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy somecandy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said sadly.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he wassorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to usethat detergent on your dog!\"\"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don\'t think it was the detergentthat killed him.\"\"Oh? What was it then?\"\"I think it was the spin cycle!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5980, 'Animal World', 'Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie...', 'Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. \"You know, it\'s not your fault that the dog died. He\'s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.\" Susie, still crying, said \"What would God want with a dead dog?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5981, 'Animal World', 'What do you call a sleeping bull?', 'What do you call a sleeping bull?A bulldozer'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5982, 'Animal World', 'What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?', 'What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?The wrong answer.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5983, 'Animal World', 'A little old lady buys a pair of parrots...', 'A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn\'t get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot\'s neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father\'s collar, wolf whistles, and says, \"I see she caught you at it, too.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5984, 'Animal World', 'What do you get if you sleep under a cow?', 'What do you get if you sleep under a cow?A PAT on the head.Sent by Jimmy'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5985, 'Animal World', 'What does an elephant keep up its trunk?', 'What does an elephant keep up its trunk?A Yard \'n\' half o\' snot!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5986, 'Animal World', 'I\'ve never understood why women love cats...', 'I\'ve never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don\'t listen,they don\'t come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep. In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5987, 'Animal World', 'What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?', 'What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?Sparky'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5988, 'Animal World', 'There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through...', 'There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, \"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5989, 'Animal World', 'Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?', 'Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?Scared the hell out of the dog.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5990, 'Animal World', 'Why\'d the monkey fall outta the tree?', 'Why\'d the monkey fall outta the tree? \'cause he was dead...Why\'d the other monkey fall outta the tree? \'cause he was dead too...Why\'d the third monkey fall outta the tree?peer pressure...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5991, 'Animal World', 'Why does an elephant have four feet?', 'Why does an elephant have four feet?Because it would look silly with six inches.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5992, 'Animal World', 'What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito...', 'What is the last thing to go through the mindof a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?It\'s ass.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5993, 'Animal World', 'What\'s the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?', 'What\'s the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5994, 'Animal World', 'What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?', 'What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?SparkySent by Shawn'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5995, 'Animal World', 'Perfect customer', 'A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.He wrote, \"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?\"An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, \"I\'ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I\'ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I\'ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I\'ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you\'re welcome to stay here, too.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5996, 'Animal World', 'A Second Opinion', 'A Second OpinionA man runs into the vet\'s office carrying his dog, screaming forhelp. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has himput his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines thestill, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that hisdog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and notwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and putsthe cat down next to the dog\'s body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog\'s body andfinally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man andsays, \"I\'m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.\"The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.The vet looks at the man and says, \"I\'m sorry, but the lab thinksyour dog is dead too.\"The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet andasks how much he owes. The vet answers, \"$650.\"\"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?\" exclaimed the man....\"Well,\" the vet replies, \"I would only have charged you $50 formy initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scanand lab tests.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5997, 'Animal World', 'This is what should happen to ALL CATS!', 'This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!HOW TO WASH THE CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.CAUTION:Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power \"Wash\" and \"Rinse\", which I have found to be quite effective.6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.Sincerely,THE DOG'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5998, 'Animal World', 'The Insensitive Gorilla', 'A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in frontof the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture thatthe gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. \"Are you hurt?\"she asks.She replies, \"Of course I\'m hurt! He hasn\'t called! He hasn\'t written!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (5999, 'Animal World', 'What\'s the difference between a duck and a cow?', 'What\'s the difference between a duck and a cow? They both swim, except for the cow.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6000, 'Animal World', 'The story with the moral', 'In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was ahot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, \"Gosh! If I go down threeinches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.\"There was a fish in the water thinking, \"Gosh! If that fly goes down threeinches I can eat him.\"There was a bear on the shore thinking, \"Gosh! If that fly goes down threeinches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him.\"It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. \"Gosh!\" he thought, \"If that fly goesdown three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will exposehimself and grab for the fish. I\'ll shoot the bear and then have a properlunch.\"You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but Ican tell you there was more.A wee mouse by the hunter\'s foot was thinking, \"Gosh! If that fly goes downthree inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs forthat fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.\"A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as wasfashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,\"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for thatfly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots thatbear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch.\"The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for thecooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabsthe fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheesesandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat fallsinto the water and drowns.The moral of the story is....Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there\'s a pussy in trouble.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6001, 'Animal World', 'Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?', 'A double whammy:Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?So they can hide in cherry trees.What\'s the loudest noise in the jungle?A Monkey eating cherries.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6002, 'Animal World', 'What\'s the biggest drawback in the jungle?', 'What\'s the biggest drawback in the jungle?The Elephants foreskin.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6003, 'Animal World', 'How do you catch an elephant?', 'How do you catch an elephant?First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take aloadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goesto take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6004, 'Animal World', 'An old lady owned two monkeys...', 'An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,so she took them to the taxodermist.\"So you want them mounted?\" asked the taxidermist.To which she replied: \"No. Holding hands will do just fine.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6005, 'Animal World', 'Why don\'t oysters give to charity?', 'Why don\'t oysters give to charity?Because they\'re shellfish.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6006, 'Animal World', 'What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?', 'What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?Diarrhoea!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6007, 'At Work', 'Proffessional Acquantance', 'A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical duringintermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.She smiled and gushed, \"Well, hello there Doc.\" and kept right on going.After a moment\'s pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, \"Don\'t worry dear, that\'s just a young lady I knowprofessionally.\"Without missing a beat, his wife asked, \"Hers or Yours ?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6008, 'At Work', 'Returning from her vacation...', 'Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. \"But you just had two weeks off,\" said the boss. \"Why didn\'t you get married then ?\" \"What and ruin my vacation ?\" she whined.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6009, 'At Work', 'Not so fast!', 'Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, \"Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6010, 'At Work', 'Why I Fired My Secretary', 'Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,\"I\'m another year older,\" but decided to make the best of it. So I showered andshaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, \"Happy birthday, dear.\" All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn\'t say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, \"Oh well,she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and theywill sing \'Happy Birthday\' and have a nice gift for me.\" There I sat, enjoyingmy coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,yelling, \"Give me a slice of toast! I\'m late! Where is my coat? I\'m going tomiss the bus!\" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a cheerful \"Happy birthday, boss.\" She then asked if she could get me somecoffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, \"Sinceit\'s your birthday, why don\'t we have lunch together?\" Thinking it would makeme feel better, I said, \"That\'s a good idea.\" So we locked up the office, andsince it was my birthday, I said, \"Why don\'t we drive out of town and havelunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?\" So we drove out oftown and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and anice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, \"Why don\'twe go to my place, and I will fix you another martini.\" It sounded like a goodidea, since we didn\'t have much to do in the office. So we went to herapartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, \"If youwill excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,\" and sheleft the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a bigbirthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat withnothing on but my socks.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6011, 'At Work', 'The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver...', 'The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, \"Free bus to the hotel Astor!\" On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, \"Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor,\" until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.\"Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6012, 'At Work', 'Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning...', 'Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn\'t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. \"Boss\", he said, \"The pill actually worked!\"\"That\'s all fine\" said the boss, \"But where were you yesterday?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6013, 'At Work', 'God Meets Bureaucracy', 'God Meets BureaucracyIn the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was facedwith a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impactstatement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but wasstymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing atthe hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the firstplace. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, \"Let there be light.\" Officials immediately demanded toknow how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What aboutthermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ballof fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assumingthat no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain abuilding permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half thetime. God agreed and said he would call the light \"Day\" and the darkness\"Night.\" Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.God said, \"Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed.\"The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, \"Let watersbring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly overthe earth.\" Officials pointed out this would require approval from theDepartment of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation andthe Audubongelic Society.Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in sixdays. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review theapplication and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...At this point God created Hell.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6014, 'At Work', 'Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.', '\"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.\"THIS MEANS:1. He doesn\'t feel the way he usually does.2. He is not in complete control of his hands.3. His emotions are shattered.4. His skin is numb.5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.8. He is in an isolation tank.9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn\'t come up with an actual illness to fake.10. He is feeling others.:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick GassJenSch@aol.com'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6015, 'At Work', 'The boss called one of his employees into the office...', 'The boss called one of his employees into the office. \"Rob,\" he said, \"you\'ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it\'s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?\" \"Thanks,\" said the employee. \"Thanks?\" the boss replied.a \"Is that all you can say?\" \"I suppose not,\" the employee said. \"Thanks, Dad.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6016, 'At Work', 'A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day...', 'A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I\'m a college graduate.\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I\'m sorry. I didn\'t know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom, I\'ll show you how.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6017, 'At Work', 'Smart decision', 'Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, \"When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I\'d better run too!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6018, 'At Work', 'A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste...', 'A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers\' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That\'s lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that?s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can\'t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I\'m not. I claiming for lead poisoning.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6019, 'At Work', 'I am looking for a job as a consultant...', 'Job Applicant: \"I\'m looking for a job as a consultant.\"Employer: \"I\'m sorry, we already have enough cosultants.\"Applicant: \"That\'s ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.\"Employer: \"More than we can use already.\"Applicant: As he is getting desperate, \"I\'m not proud, I can dopaperwork, I\'ll be a clerk, If you have too many, I\'ll start as a janitor.\"Employer: \"It just doesn\'t seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.\"Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, \"work for you I\'d have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!\"Employer: \"Well, you didn\'t say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6020, 'At Work', 'Understanding Your Paycheck', 'Understanding Your PaycheckGROSS PAY: $1222.02INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX 12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX 2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA\'AM TAX PARKING FEE 0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS. 2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL 0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON\'TS CASH ADVANCES 4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT 7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING 10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83MISC169.24TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6021, 'At Work', 'So my sister, a natural blond...', 'So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6022, 'At Work', 'A man was being interviewed for a job...', 'A man was being interviewed for a job. \"Were you in the service?\" ask the interviewer. \"Yes, I was a marine,\" responded the applicant. \"Did you see any active duty?\" \"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.\" \"May I ask what happened?\" \"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.\" \"You\'re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.\" \"When does everyone else start? I don\'t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.\" \"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6023, 'At Work', 'Rejection Letter Reject', 'Rejection Letter RejectEver wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Well here\'s a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.\'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,[Your name here]'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6024, 'At Work', 'Retire Aged Personell Early', 'Retire Aged Personell EarlyTO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEESFROM GOVERNING BOREDDATE 22 APR 19861. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we mustdrastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,thus permitting management to focus its abuse on youngeremployees who represent our future.2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by theend of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will begiven the opportunity to work other jobs within the system atgreatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program iscalled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may applyfor a new re- employment eligibility service. This service willbe called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination). Current regulations state that employees may onlybe RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT asmany times as management deems appropriate.4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements,he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of RetiredPersons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plansince the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED bymanagement. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for ImmediateDisplacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,one should only request this service once.5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects bysigning up for additional training. It is now and always has beenthe policy of management to ensure all employees are well trainedthrough our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have givenour employees more SHIT than any other organization in thecountry. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enoughSHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management isespecially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT youcan stand.6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, onlyupper-management and their selected brown-noses will be givenraises and exempt status from the above programs. Yu Bien Haad MCCCD GOVERNING BOREDP.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaudthe HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;heck, we couldn\'t have paid anyone to make up a better report!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6025, 'At Work', 'How Shit Happens', 'How Shit HappensIn the Beginning was The PlanAnd then came the AssumptionsAnd the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substanceAnd the darkness was upon the face of the WorkersAnd the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying\"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.\"And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,\"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.\"And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,\"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.\"And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,\"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.\"And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,\"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.\"And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,\"It promotes growth and is very powerful.\"And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,\"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular.\"And the President looked upon The Plan,And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.And this is how Shit Happens.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6026, 'At Work', 'Tactfullness', 'The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company\'s complaint department to ask for help.\"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.\", said the nun.\"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.\", said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, \"I think the term they actually use is \'fucking shovel\'\".'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6027, 'At Work', 'Reaching the end of a job interview...', 'Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person askeda young engineer fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were youlooking for?\"The engineer said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, dependingon the benefits package.\"The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, companymatching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leasedevery 2 years - say, a red Corvette?\"The Engineer sat up straight and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\"And the interviewer replied, \"Yeah, but you started it.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6028, 'At Work', 'Why you should learn to use algebra . . .', 'Why you should learn to use algebra . . . After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can bereached of the secret to wealth and success.Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we\'ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardlessof the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for thereader.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6029, 'At Work', 'Not that my wife is the jealous type or anything, but one day at work...', 'Not that my wife\'s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, \"Oh, Mrs. Moore, I\'m so happy to meet you. I\'m your husband\'s new secretary.\"Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, \"OH ? Really ? Were you ???\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6030, 'At Work', 'A customer sent an order to a distributor...', 'A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount ofgoods totaling a great deal of money.The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn\'t been paid. Thecollections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, \"We can\'tship your new order until you pay for the last one.\"The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,\"Please cancel the order. We can\'t wait that long.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6031, 'At Work', 'Two Italian construction workers...', 'Two Italian construction workers were in the field on anextremely hot day working.. the one says to the other \"heyhow come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?\"pointing to the supervisor. The other says, \"I don\'t know, go ask him.\" So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says \"Hey, how comewe do all a da work and you get all a da money?\" The supervisor says \"Intelligence\". Guido says \"what is this intelligence?\" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says \"Hita myhand as hard as you can!\" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays \"That\'s intelligence\". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says \"Hey what did he say?\" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says \"hita my hand as hard as you can. . .\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6032, 'At Work', 'Some things never change', 'I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.She said, \"Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week.\"I told her I\'d give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, \"With pleasure, it\'ll be $600 a week.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6033, 'At Work', 'Wrong floor', 'Two accountants were discussing a colleague\'s interest in one of the firm\'s new secretaries. \"I just don\'t get it.\" said one. \"She\'s an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.\"That may be true,\" replied the other, \"but I don\'t think that\'s the floor he\'s getting off on.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6034, 'At Work', 'A middle manager is called into his bosses office...', 'A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by thenext Monday. \"Downsizing.\"He\'s really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and itdoesn\'t seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying tofigure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jillstanding at the water cooler. He says to himself, \"Okay it\'s going to beone of them.\"He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He\'sin a quandary. It\'s Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have tothink about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack andJill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.\"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don\'t look so good. Is everythingokay?\"He looks at her and says \"To be honest, I\'m having a tough time here. Ican\'t decide if I should lay you or Jack off.\"And she looks at him and says \"Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggestyou jack off.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6035, 'At Work', 'Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Are Not', 'Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren\'t I need you to whip it out by 5:00! Mind if I use your laptop? Put this in my box before you leave. I want it on my desk now! Hmm.. I think I\'m out of fluid. My equipment\'s so old, it takes forever to finish! It\'s an entry level position. When do you think you\'ll be getting off today? It\'s not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6036, 'At Work', 'Saving the situation', 'After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, \"What the hell happened?\" \"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,\" replied the wife. \"Piss on him,\" answered the husband. \"You did,\" said the wife, \"and he fired you.\" \"Well, fuck him,\" said the husband. \"I did, and you go back to work in the morning.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6037, 'At Work', 'Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary...', 'Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, \"Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.\" He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. \"By the way Miss Smith,\" he said, \"When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?\" \"Why no sir,\" she replied, \"All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6038, 'At Work', 'After working together for a while...', 'After working together for a while, Dick and Jane\'s office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, \"If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!\" To which Jane replies \"If I\'d known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6039, 'At Work', 'Bank Teller', 'Bank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, \"I want to open a fucking checking account\". \"Please sir\", she replies, \"we can\'t have language like that in here.\" \"Why the Fuck not?\" he asked. \"Sir,\" Came her retort, \"I must ask you to refrain from swearing.\" \"I don\'t give a shit what you want,\" he answers, \"I just want to open a fucking checking account.\" With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. \"Shit yes\", came the reply, \"I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account.\" The branch manager says, \"I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6040, 'At Work', 'The crusty old managing partner finally passed away...', 'The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. \"I\'m sorry, he\'s dead,\" was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: \"I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6041, 'At Work', 'A very modest lady applied for a job...', 'A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made \"Tickle me Elmo dolls\". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn\'t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, \"Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6042, 'At Work', 'Calling in Sick....', 'Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner\'s Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife\'s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. \"Ed!\" she hearkened. \"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.\" \"You know where the button is.\" I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). \"Reset it yourself!\" \"I am scared!\" She pleaded. \"What if it starts going and sucks me in?\" Pause. \"C\'mon, it\'ll only take a second.\" No logical assurance about how a disposal can\'t start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from \"Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,\" a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I\'d have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn\'t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (\"Buttons\" aka \"the Grater\") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a \"fight or flight\" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the \"flight\" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. \"What\'s the matter, cat got your tongue?\" If they had only known.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6043, 'At Work', 'As the end of the day drew near...', 'As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. \"Do you know what time we quit around here ?\" he asked.\"Sure !\" the girl nervously giggled. \"Whenever somebody knocks on the door.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6044, 'At Work', 'Equally qualified', 'Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, \"Thank you for your interest, but we\'ve decided to give the American the job.\"Murphy: \"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!\"Manager: \"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.\"Murphy: \"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?\"Manager: \"Simple. The American put down on question # 5, \'I don\'t know.\' You put down \'Neither do I.\'\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6045, 'At Work', 'The most painful part', 'A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, \"How is it that you know so much about baseball?\"She says, \"Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.\"The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. \"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?\"\"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.\"\"Was it when they cut off your balls?\"\"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.\"\"What was the most painful part?\"\"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6046, 'At Work', 'The Yuppette had risen to executive level...', 'The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers.\"Now that\'s entirely false.\" she cried. \"I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6047, 'At Work', 'A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him...', 'A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.\"I\'ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,\" he announced. \"Will the laziest man please put his hand up.\"Nine hands went up.\"Why didn\'t you put your hand up?\" he asked the tenth man.\"Too much trouble,\" came the reply.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6048, 'At Work', 'Three envelopes', 'A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. \"Open these if you run up against a problem you don\'t think you can solve,\" he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits\'s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, \"Blame your predecessor.\" The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, \"Reorganize.\" This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, \"Prepare three envelopes.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6049, 'At Work', 'Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve...', 'Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don\'t want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can\'t they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don\'t want them to know it.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6050, 'At Work', 'Time to quit', 'As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. \"Do youknow what time we quit around here ?\" he asked.\"Sure !\" the girl nervously giggled. \"Whenever somebody knocks on the door.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6051, 'At Work', 'Does anyone know what would happen if the earth...', 'Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster thanit does today ??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6052, 'At Work', 'When the staff goes out after work, they talk about...', 'When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.Top management discusses golf.Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6053, 'At Work', 'There are thousands of sex phone lines for men...', 'There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can justgo to work.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6054, 'At Work', 'It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president...', 'It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back ofhis leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.\"And just where have you been until this hour?\" demanded hiswife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.\"Down at the office,\" he replied, \"working like a dog.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6055, 'At Work', 'Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding...', 'Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve\'s body, Bob and Jeff realize they\'ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he\'s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. \"So did you tell her?\" asks Jeff. \"Yep\", replies Bob. \"Say, where did you get the six-pack?\" Bob informs Jeff. \"She gave it to me.\"\"WHAT??\" exclaims Jeff, \"you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??\" \"Sure,\" Bob says. \"WHY?\" asks Jeff. \"Well,\" Bob continues, \"when she answered the door, I asked her, \'are you Steve\'s widow?\' \'Widow?\', she said, \'no, no, you\'re mistaken, I\'m not a widow!\' So I said: \"I\'ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!\'\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6056, 'At Work', 'Several weeks after a young man had been hired...', 'Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director\'s office. \"What is the meaning of this?\" the director asked. \"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you\'ve ever held.\"\"Well,\" the young man replied \"in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6057, 'At Work', 'Advisor on sexual matters', 'The drinker announced to the bartender, \"It seems I\'ve been informally named advisor on \'Sexual Matters\' at my company.\"\"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you\'ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?\"\"I\'m not sure yet,\" he answered. \"During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they\'d let me know.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6058, 'At Work', 'When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher...', 'When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, \"I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There\'s only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of theprincipal.\"\"Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?\"\"I\'ll explain it, \" he continued, \"as soon as you\'ve undressed.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6059, 'At Work', 'Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one...', 'Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, \'Whoa, God! I\'m on workman\'s comp!\''); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6060, 'At Work', 'A man was interviewing for a sales representative...', 'A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate wouldhave been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcertingmannerism. He kept winking.\"Look here, I\'d like to give you the job, you\'ve got good referencesand experience. The trouble is this trick you\'ve got of winking all thetime, it might put our customers off.\"\"No worries.\" the candidate replied. \"All I\'ve got to do to get rid ofit is to take a couple of aspirins.\"So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled tosee dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy dutyvarieties and every known brand of standard condom.\"Here we are.\" said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winkingstopped at once.\"Thats all very well but we couldn\'t hire a man who was going to bewomanising all over his territory.\"\"Oh I wouldn\'t dream of it, I\'m happily married.\"\"Then how do you account for all of these things?\"\"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask fora packet of aspirins?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6061, 'At Work', 'Jon starts working in a lumber camp...', 'Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, \"We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.\"Jon says, \"Why not Thursday?\"The boss says, \"Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6062, 'At Work', 'Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad...', 'Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.\"I need someone with an accounting degree,\" the man said. \"But mainly, I\'m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.\"\"Excuse me?\" the accountant said.\"I worry about a lot of things,\" the man said. \"But I don\'t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.\"\"I see,\" the accountant said. \"And how much does the job pay?\"\"I\'ll start you at eighty thousand.\"\"Eighty thousand dollars!\" the accountant exclaimed. \"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?\"\"That,\" the owner said, \"is your first worry.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6063, 'At Work', 'It had taken him several months, but the executive...', 'It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the backof his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.\"And just where have you been until this hour?\" demanded his wife,when the wayward husband finally arrived home.\"Down at the office,\" he replied, \"working like a dog.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6064, 'At Work', 'NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE', 'NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGEIt has been brought to our attention that some individuals have beenusing foul language during the execution of their duties. Due tocomplaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type oflanguage will no longer be tolerated.We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properlyexpress their feelings when communicating with other employees. Withthis in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list ofcode phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue inan effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitivebrethren.Old Phrase New Phrase1. No fucking way I\'m fairly sure that this is not feasible2. Your fucking joking Really3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project5. I don\'t have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem7. Eat shit and die You don\'t say8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don\'t say, Sir9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you10. He\'s a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive11. That\'s fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe12. You haven\'t got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today14. What sort of fucker are you You\'re new here aren\'t you?15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go16. You\'re a fucking wanker You\'re my manager and I respect you17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn\'t there that day18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour20. Fuck off I\'ll look into that and get back to you'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6065, 'At Work', 'Brain or muscles?', 'The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.\"Why don\'t you put your money where your mouth is,\" he said. \"I will bet a week\'s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won\'t be able to wheel back.\"\"You\'re on, old man,\" the braggart replied. \"Let\'s see what you got.\"The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, \"All right. Get in.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6066, 'At Work', 'It\'s not a big deal, but it feels good', 'A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: \"Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She\'s got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it\'s not a big deal but it feels good.\"The next day when they come home his wife asks, \"How was your day?\"The man says: \"Fantastic! It\'s not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it\'s not a big deal but it really feels good!\"The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, \"And what happened today in your office, honey?\"She says, \"Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it\'s not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6067, 'At Work', 'Latex factory', 'A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottlenipples. The machine makes a loud \"hiss-pop\" noise. \"The hiss is the rubberbeing injected into the mold,\" explains the guide. \"The popping sound isthe needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.\"Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms aremanufactured. The machine makes a \"Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop\" noise. \"Waita minute!\" says the man taking the tour. \"I understand what the \'hiss,hiss,\' is, but what\'s that \'pop\' every so often?\"\"Oh, it\'s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,\" says theguide. \"It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.\"\"Well, that can\'t be good for the condoms!\"\"Yeah, but it\'s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6068, 'At Work', 'A bus station is where a bus stops...', 'A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where atrain stops. On my desk, I have a work station...'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6069, 'At Work', 'The organization is like a tree full of monkeys...', 'The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on differentlimbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6070, 'At Work', 'Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls...', 'Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girlsin the office had removed their clothes and were lying on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid downthe girl on her right hissed, \"Turn over, Mary - this is a stock up, not an office party!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6071, 'At Work', 'Duties will be the same', 'As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer\'s stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah.The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, \"Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment.\"The girl sighed and said, \"Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6072, 'At Work', 'What does it mean when the flag at the...', 'What does it mean when the flag at thePost Office is flying at half mast? They\'re hiring.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6073, 'At Work', 'A responsible applicant', 'Employer to applicant: \"In this job we need someone who is responsible.\" Applicant: \"I\'m the one you want. On my last job, every timeanything went wrong, they said I was responsible.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6074, 'At Work', 'A small analogy', 'Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.It\'s done on a very high level.There\'s a lot of stomping and screaming involved.And it takes two years to get any results.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6075, 'At Work', 'The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss...', 'The external organs of a body were fighting over who should be boss.The brain said, \"I should be boss, since I control what the person thinks.\" The hands said, \"I should be boss because I do almost everything for the person.\"The legs declared, \"I shuld be boss since I carry the body and all the weight is on me.\"So they went on, each stating their qualities and uses.Then the Asshole spoke up, \"I think I should be boss, because..\"He had not finished when everyone else started laughing at him. \"You, an asshole, be the boss? You gotta be kidding!\"The asshole was very unhappy, and he closed himself up.The body soon suffered a terrible constipation, and the organs could not take it anymore. \"Ok, ok, you\'re the boss!\" they gavein. So the asshole became the boss of the body.The moral of the story: You don\'t need brains to be a boss, you just need to be an asshole.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6076, 'At Work', 'When does a person decide to become an accountant?', 'Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?A: When he realises he doesn\'t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6077, 'At Work', 'A suitable transplant', 'A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,\"Can I help? Have you lost something?\"\"No,\" says one of the doctors. \"We\'re about to do a heart transplant onan accountant and we\'re looking for a suitable stone.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6078, 'At Work', 'Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English...', 'Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: \"Miss Symthe, I really don\'t know how we\'re going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we\'re going to try.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6079, 'At Work', 'Some professions', 'Some professionsA psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.A professor is one who talks in someone else\'s sleep.A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6080, 'At Work', 'Sleep well', 'Life Insurance Agent:Don\'t let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6081, 'At Work', 'A succession of generations', 'The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, \"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I\'ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.\" The apprentice did just as he told. Now he\'s the village blacksmith.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6082, 'At Work', 'A man goes to his bank manager and says...', 'A man goes to his bank manager and says \"I\'d like to start a small business how do I go about it?\"The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies \"Buy a big one and wait\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6083, 'At Work', 'The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired', 'The Perverse Guide To Getting HiredChapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises theessence of your being to a potential employer. You must graba personnel director\'s attention with your sheer, overpoweringwonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom ofher parakeet\'s cage. Write a boring resume and you might as wellrun down now and join the other unemployed grads behind theappliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton tolive in. To grab an employer\'s jaded eye you must create the writtenequivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter\'sorange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experimentwith striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing yourname in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says\"Check ME out! I\'m no shrinking violet!\" Sprinkle a bit of yourmost sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add agood lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don\'t forget yourpicture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10glossies from Glamour Shots on top. Now that you\'ve achieved that visceral \"oomph\", it\'s time topolish the contents to bring out or even invent your positivequalities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform anyqualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into asaleable skill. Let\'s look at some examples of putting the best\"spin\" on a job seeker\'s skills:\"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee\'s.\" A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?Describe yourself as a \"Grill Co-ordinator\", or perhaps a\"Culinary Technician\".\"I subbed in for my nephew\'s paper route one weekend.\" Ah! So you were previously employed in \"CommunicationServices!\" Describe yourself as a \"Journalism Representative.\"\"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetosand watching Charlie\'s Angels reruns.\" You can transform the pathetic into the energetic byreferring to yourself as a \"Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.\"Let them know how much time you\'ve wisely invested in \"PopularDrama Studies.\"\"I worked in telemarketing.\" Die you scumbag.\"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass outin a puddle of my own urine.\" I see! An \"Alternative Hygiene Researcher\" who throwshimself into his work! Always remember to use active, \"can-do\" language in yourresume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms aspossible: 1) Excellence (can\'t get enough of this one!) 2) Goal-oriented 3) Forward-thinking 4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals) 5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.Chapter 2 - The Interview So now you\'ve got that big chance to shine in person. Onceagain, you\'ve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consideryour apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave alasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, availablein classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of yourprofessional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, andconsider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, somake sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jumpright in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here\'ssome suggestions for opening lines:\"The voices told me I\'m perfect for this job.\"\"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.\"\"Maybe you can\'t tell, but I\'m not wearing any underwear.\"\"Let\'s make this fast, I\'m late for my medication.\"\"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.\"\"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot theirStarship.\"\"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?\"\"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,it will be your last!\" Now that you\'ve made a big impression, make sure you\'ll haveplenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Considerhandcuffing yourself to the interviewer\'s desk, or perhaps smearsuper-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting \"Wonder twinpowers, activate!\" Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. Agratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp newdollar in the closing handshake while saying \"Guess Mr.Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)\"And certainly don\'t forget the follow-up! Unless a restrainingorder has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hourthereafter to remind them of your sincerity.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6084, 'At Work', 'BOSSES & TECHNOLOGY', 'BOSSES & TECHNOLOGYBoss: \"My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?\"Dilbert: \"Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it toreboot.\"Boss: \"Oh, that\'s right.\"Wally: \"I wonder if he\'ll ever realise we gave him an \"Etch-A-Sketch.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6085, 'At Work', 'Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time...', 'Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. \"What\'s the story this time, Jones?\" he asked sarcastically. \"Let\'s hear a good excuse for a change.\"Jones sighed, \"Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit\'s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson\'s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.\"\"You\'ll have to do better than that, Jones,\" said the boss, obviously disappointed. \"No woman can get ready in ten minutes.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6086, 'At Work', 'Doing the job right', 'Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6087, 'At Work', 'Your hair smells nice', 'A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor\'s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, \"What\'s wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?\"The woman replies, \"He\'s a midget.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6088, 'At Work', 'How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?', 'Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We\'ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burnout, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make thebulbs work smarter, not harder.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6089, 'At Work', 'How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?', 'How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6090, 'At Work', 'Work Environment', 'Work Environment: (Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION(Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6091, 'At Work', 'How do you know if your secretary?s having a bad day?', 'How do you know if your secretary?s having a bad day?Her tampon is behind her ear and she can\'t find her pencil'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6092, 'At Work', 'The company president called the chief security guard...', 'The company president called the chief security guard into his office. \"Chuck, we\'ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don\'tbelong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.\" Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, \"I\'m sorry, Sir. I won\'t\' do it again.\" The company president said, \"I\'m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.\" Chuck\'s face lit up. \"Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6093, 'At Work', 'How do you tell if you\'re making love to a nurse...', 'Q: How do you tell if you\'re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: \"This won\'t hurt a bit.\" A schoolteacher says, \"We\'re going to have to do this over and overagain until we get it right.\" An airline stewardess says, \"Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breathnormally.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6094, 'At Work', 'Did you hear about the welfare doll?', 'Did you hear about the welfare doll?You wind it up and it doesn\'t work.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6095, 'At Work', 'What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?', 'What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6096, 'At Work', 'Telegram received from ex-employee', 'Telegram received from ex-employee:\"Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6097, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard I', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard INever walk down the hall without a document in yourhands. People with documents in their hands look likehardworking employees heading for important meetings. Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they\'re heading for thecafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look likethey\'re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure youcarry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generatingthe false impression that you work longer hours than you do.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6098, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard II', 'Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,it looks like \"work\" to the casual observer. You can send andreceive personal e-mail, calculate your finances andgenerally have a blast without doing anything remotelyrelated to work. These aren\'t exactly the societal benefitsthat the proponents of the computer revolution would like totalk about but they\'re not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence isto claim you\'re teaching yourself to use new software, thussaving valuable training dollars.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6099, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard III', 'Messy desk. Top management can get away with a cleandesk. For the rest of us, it looks like you\'re not workinghard enough. Build huge piles of documents around yourworkspace. To the observer, last year\'s work looks the sameas today\'s work; it\'s volume that counts. Pile them high andwide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, burythe document you\'ll need halfway down in an existing stackand rummage for it when he/she arrives.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6100, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard IV', 'Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don\'t call you just because they want to giveyou something for nothing - they call because they want YOUto do work for THEM. That\'s no way to live. Screen all yourcalls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mailmessage for you and it sounds like impending work, respondduring lunch hour when you know they\'re not there - it lookslike you\'re hardworking and conscientious even though you\'rebeing a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the methodof screening incoming calls and then returning calls whennobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that thecaller will give up or look for a solution that doesn\'tinvolve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can everhear is: \"Ignore my last message. I took care of it\". If yourvoice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it canhold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way todo that is to never erase any incoming messages. If thattakes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callerswill hear a recorded message that says, \"Sorry, this mailboxis full\" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee inhigh demand.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6101, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard V', 'Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to GeorgeCostanza, one should also always try to look impatientand annoyed to give your bosses the impression thatyou are always busy.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6102, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard VI', 'Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could readmagazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read buthave no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walkpast the boss\' room on your way out. Send important emailsat unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and duringpublic holidays.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6103, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard VII', 'Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6104, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard VIII', 'Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6105, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard IX', 'Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines andpick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely whenin conversation with bosses. Remember: They don\'t have tounderstand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6106, 'At Work', 'George Costanza\'s Tips for Working Hard X', 'MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON\'T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6107, 'At Work', 'A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing...', 'A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potentialemployee\'s application and notices that the man has neverworked in retail before.He says to the man, \"For a man with no experience, you arecertainly asking for a high wage.\"\"Well Sir,\" the applicant replies, \"the work is so much harderwhen you don\'t know what you\'redoing!\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6108, 'At Work', 'The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina...', 'The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.They received this short and simple explantion: \"The bag ain\'t full yet.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6109, 'At Work', 'Mrs. Jones is having her house painted...', 'Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comeshome from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, \"You wanna see wheremy husband put his hand last night?\" He sighs and says, \"Look, lady, I got a tough day\'s work aheadof me. Why don\'t you just make us a cup of tea?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6110, 'At Work', 'The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring...', 'The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.Then he called for the second man, \"Jim Johnson!\" Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.\"He looks like he cantake care of any situation,\" thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.Turning to Johnson, he said, \"Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that\'s an important asset for the job as cashier.However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education.\"Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,\"Where did you get your financial education?\"\"Oh,\" replied Jim -- \"Yale.\"\"That\'s very good ... excellent. You\'re hired!\"\"Now that you\'re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?\"Jim answered \"I don\'t care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6111, 'At Work', 'Tough sell', 'Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. \"I certainly don\'t want to frighten you into a decision,\"he announced, standing up to leave ... \"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6112, 'At Work', 'A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has...', 'A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just takento work. The little girl asks, \"I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?\" Feeling his wife\'s gaze upon him, the man explains, \"Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like youwouldn\'t believe, she knows the computer system and is veryefficient.\" \"Oh,\" says the little girl, \"I thought it was because she closedher eyes when you lay her down on the couch.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6113, 'At Work', 'The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day...', 'The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.The boss called her into his office and said, \"Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that\'s over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, \" Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?\" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,....\"My lawyer.\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6114, 'At Work', 'Corporate Christmas', '***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI\'m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi\'s Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We\'ll have a small bandplaying traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don\'t besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone\'s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 2RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday\'s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now onwe\'re calling it our \"Holiday Party.\" The same policy applies to employeeswho are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas treepresent. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music foryour enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family,Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 3RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymousrequesting a non-drinking table ... You didn\'t sign your name. I\'m happyto accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,\"AA Only\"; you wouldn\'t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handlethis? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange areallowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money andexecutives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 7RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking duringdaylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how aluncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees\'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi\'s can hold off on serving your meal until the endof the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else packageeverything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,I\'ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not haveto sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will beflower arrangement for the Gay men\'s table. To the person askingpermission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will havebooster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for thoseon a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest forthose people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be freshfruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply \"No Sugar\"desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 8RE: Holiday PartySo, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi\'s prohibit theburning of sage by our \"earth-based Goddess-worshiping\" employees, butwe\'ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band\'sbreaks. Okay???Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 9RE: HolidayParty People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEOdress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of \"Santa\" does happen tobe \"Satan,\" there is no evil connotation to our own \"little man in a redsuit.\" It\'s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or familyfeuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine\'s Day.Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed theirmind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will geta notification in the mail sent to your home.============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All #&$**@ EmployeesDATE: December 10RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday PartyI have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change youraddress now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address willbe allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I willhave you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!Vegetarians!?!?!? I\'ve had it with you people!!! We\'re going to keep thisparty at Luigi\'s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you cansit quietly at the table furthest from the \"grill of death,\" as you soquaintly put it, and you\'ll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Includinghydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoesscream when you slice them. I\'ve heard them scream. I\'m hearing themscream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunkand die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!============================================FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 14RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI\'m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recoveryfrom her stress-related illness and I\'ll continue to forward your cards toher at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancelour Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off withfull pay.Happy Holidays!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6115, 'At Work', 'Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together...', 'Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, \"Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.\"\"What happened?\" asks Birnbaum.Goldstein moans, \"My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!\"\"You think you had a bad week?\" responds Birnbaum. \"My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!\"\"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?\" asks Goldstein. \"It was identical!\"\"You shmuck!\" replies Birnbaum. \"I manufacture men\'s garments...\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6116, 'At Work', 'What marketing is', 'Now I understand what marketing is:You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: \"I am very good in bed\". That is Direct Marketing.You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: \"That guy over there is very good in bed\". That is Advertising.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: \"I am very good in bed\". That is Telemarketing .You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: \"Do you remember how good I am in bed?\" That is Customer Relationship Management. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: \"I am very good in bed\". That is Public Relations.You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: \"I heard you are very good in bed\". That is BRANDING!!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6117, 'At Work', 'Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went...', 'Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Tester: Let\'s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?Paddy: Six.Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven!Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Paddy : I\'ve already got one rabbit at home!'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6118, 'At Work', 'The Perfect Worker', 'The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the reportsent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numberedlines.'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6119, 'At Work', 'New Lumberjack', 'A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked ashard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three treesin a day.His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybehis chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was workingfine.The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, \"What\'s that noise?\"'); INSERT INTO `JOKES_BIG` VALUES (6120, 'At Work', 'Welfare office', 'A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, \"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, \"Your timing is amazing. We\'ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You\'ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits